bachelor pad 3 finale: an emotional banana sandwich

Blakeley’s words, not mine. Moving on-

You might think what bothers me about this photo is how staged it looks or how humongous my arms look or just overall how I look like a fleshy, 80 year-old gnocchi roller but you would be wrong. So, very, wrong. The only thing that bothers me about this photo is that you can’t see the matching t-shirts we’re wearing:

Alright, so any possible commentary that can be made on Monday’s night The Most Amazing Finale of Any Bachelor Franchise-Related Season Ever can be divided into only two categories:

1. The Ending
2. Everything that Should Have Been Discussed In The Episode that Was Not

It’s what I want to do, and yet I feel compelled to start from the beginning.

The show generally opens will an introduction of each person from the house so the audience can cheer. Lindzi is way too tan and my hope and prayer is that it is natural (like she just got back from the Bahamas) and not spray. No one cheered for Jamie at all! At all. She is a kook for sure, but that’s harsh. She’s just Krazy, not Mean.  Yikes. I am sure it was just her bizarro outfit a la Forever 21 earrings that are so 2010 and the weird bedazzled Native American-like headpiece that Paris Hilton kept trying to unsuccessfully bring into fashion and worst of all: the mysterious markings at the outer lower corner of each eye that if I didn’t know Jamie better, would think were tattooed tears for all the brothers she shanked. But I do know Jamie, and therefore I know it was just another unfortunate life decision to do some weird make-up application in a life overflowing with very bad decisions.

Also, Erica Rose looks better than usual. And my gosh is my jury out on her. Some days I love her dry delivery and blunt tongue and almost-stoned way of being a trust find baby. Other days I find her a vile has-been. But she does look better than usual. Which isn’t necessarily a compliment.

We learn Lindzi and Kalon are “still going”. But then Erica Rose – never one to miss an opportunity to stoke the long burning fires of her feud with Kalon – drops the bomb that Kalon has still been seen around town with some other ladiez. Kalon doesn’t deny it and Lindzi can’t think of a response fast enough and Erica Rose just seems generally pleased. Which, to be honest, she often seems on these shows.

Michael in the Hot Seat

There is some scene recapping of Michael’s sometime glory as supposed puppetmaster of the house and the game.

Oh snap. The producers show a clip never aired during the season where Michael tells Erica Rose he likes dating Rachel in the house but can’t see dating her out of the house. Because it turns out after the house, Michael dissed Rachel because “she was falling in love and [he] wasn’t feeling it”. Michael used to be such a good guy and so I am surprised he can’t be a little more forthcoming with the details about how exactly he went from being obsessed with her (which yes, we all witnessed) to totally over it. Jaclyn is all defensive of Rachel which means we know they’re not mortal enemies anymore even though Rachel didn’t bring Jaclyn into the final four. One outstanding question down.

Jaclyn in the Hot Seat

Jaclyn gets to re-live two awesome things via clip montage: (1) her unrequited love for Ed; and (2) her betrayal when her in-love best friend Rachel did not pick her to go the finals. Forgive and never forget, says Jaclyn. Jaclyn also says, incidentally, she controlled the game, not Michael. I can’t disagree. It’s highly possible. Jaclyn has really toyed with my emotions this season. Is her true persona the skank that lit into Shawntel on Ben’s season or is it the loyal friend, fun girl and decent game player from BP3? We’ll never know, until she’s back for BP4.

Blakeley in the Hot Seat

Blakeley’s kind of awesome. In my recollection she has never made one gratuitously mean comment about anyone. She might come off like a promiscuous tarantula but in the same way you can hold and pet a tarantula. She’s soft and fuzzy, ya know?

Her and Tony holding hands is the sweetest thing about this episode. I need to retract my negativity towards Tony from Emily’s season. He strikes me as a good guy. I know they get made fun of for stereotypical WT things, but I don;t buy that classist shit. Blakeley and Tony have never come off as dumb or naive or any less fierce and competitive than the rest of the forgettable middle class yokels that populated the season. I don’t think for one second their proposal will last even a couple months, but the falling in love part was totally genuine and super sweet to witness.

Chris Harrison called Blakeley an “honorable woman” and I think that’s really nice of him to point out and totally true. I am tearing a little bit when Blakeley waxes on about Tony. (Did you get that word play? That was awesome! I’m awesome!)

Tony gets up on stage and announces they’re moving in together in Portland, Oregon. And then he proposes! I am sure he did it that way because they got a free Neil Lane ring out of the deal, but I do wish Blakeley had been actually looking at him a little more. Whatever. You know they went back to the hotel and did it like 10 times. With props.

bachelor pad 3 episode 4 recap: it might be a bad sign that i forgot to recap episodes 2 and 3

So artsy the way it looks like she’s slapping Jaclyn upside the head.

Well, to be more specific, I gave up on recapping the past two episodes. I watched. Of course I watched. I never don’t watch. I even took notes. Copious notes. But the Olympic Games had my attention and time and that was that.

I know this is old news, but the twins need their own reality spin-off show. It might be like nails on a chalkboard, but come on! Their dynamic with one another is amazing. “You called me a slut four times.” Also I figured out the way to tell them apart is that one does that weird thing where she over-plucks her eyebrows so each one just looks like half an eyebrow.

Beyond that, let’s just quickly highlight the Best Of episodes 2 and 3 in Tweets and hashtags:

• During the rhythmic gymnastics competition, Nick called his participation “the most absurd thing he has ever done in his life.” #ironic
• It’s embarrassing that Ashley and JP and a former Olympic gymnast judged the competition. #moneywasgood?
• I think the Kalon/Lindzi pairing has the potential to actually be a nice thing, but how will he ever explain himself out of his comment: “The girls look terrible. Shopping and gymnastics: what else do you have to do in your life?” #youdontmeanthat
• The way Donna was eating a banana. #thatsall
• I like Stagliano but it’s weird he frenched it out on that one group date with Donna to “fulfill her fantasy”. #stayclassybacheloryoda
• There’s much that can be written about how krazykakes Chris is every episode, but I definitely have to mention during that derby car date with Blakeley et al, he did in fact say “if David gets the rose, someone’s gonna die.” #luckilydaviddidnotgettherose
• I know people hate on the fact that Jamie sometimes wears fingerless gloves, but I don’t really mind quirky. It’s her horrifyingly low self-esteem, astounding delusion and constant wearing of fake eyelashes that gets me going. #justsayin
• You know that Hot Sludge Funday challenge from last week? #ijustwantedtotypehotsludgefunday
• We never get any sense of who Nick is but notable things from last week include the fact that Tony referred to him as “Captain Protein Powder” and, even better, when Donna was moping around at the cocktail party, freaking that her minutes left in the douse were numbered, Nick quickly dove in for an emergency make-out sesh. #quickthinking
• After Reid’s scheming last week, a very offended Jaclyn made a big toast with everyone saying “everyone needs to be more honest in how they play the game.” #whatthehellareyoutalkingabout

Starting Monday morning, I was feeling a tremendous emptiness about the Olympics being over. Mike Fleiss threw salt in my wound when the voiceover at the outset of the episode said: “Now that the summer games are over, let the games continue on the Bachelor Pad. Seriously?

After “last night’s” elimination, David, the last (and most likable) fan standing, tells us the four power couples left in the house are:

Chris and Blakely
Kalon and Lindzi
Rachel and Michael
Ed and Jaclyn (who drunkenly tells Ed he’s a winner, not a loser and that Reid is a Dummy McStupid and also thinks she will find love with Ed)

I am disappointed they’re being referred to as ‘power couples’ because I actually disagree that the strength of some of these decision-makers is even half of what it was in the heyday of David Good or Michelle Money.

Jamie is so dense she is thought bubbling about having no partner or anyone on her side and how sad it is, while David is literally telling her he has her back and is on her side. She did the same thing when her original parter Ryan was so loyal and even managed to source sushi for a private picnic date on her 26th birthday, but still Jamie (self-admittedly) has to go for the chase. But in this context chase = felony stalking.

bachelor pad 3 episode 1 recap: i’m only watching because stagliano is there

Chris Harrison, this is really your job.

So I’m a hypocrite. I generally can’t stand these career reality vets like Beth on Real World and now Erica Rose on Bachelor Pad. And yet – like much of America – I totally dig every single thing about Michael Stagliano (even the way he gets too obsessed with girls too fast) and so he is hopefully going to redeem this turd of a season for me. I hope I’m wrong, but so far I care so little about any particular outcome (money, hook-ups, etc) that I was leaving the screen for lengthy periods of time to do household chores. And I hate chores. But I guess that’s how bored I was.

Chris Harrison tells us from the water-soaked driveway of the Mansion that this year’s contestants vying for $250K are some of “the most memorable and controversial people of seasons past”. I so beg to differ (Tony, really? Nate, who? Sarah, seriously? Ryan? Don’t care). But then the producerz switch it up and throw 6/7 “super fans” into the mix. I am actually grateful for the new blood.

The turd burglars in order of limo appearance:

Chris Bukowski: So in love with Emily Maynard 5 minutes ago that he is grateful to be in the mansion, which is part of history, to have his heart mended with multiple sexcapades.

Lindzi Cox: I can’t help it, I love me some Lindzi. She has that fab huskyish voice and despite her waaaay too much eye make-up, she is so adorbs. She is hilar when she reminds us that “I’m the girl that lost to Courtney.” That would definitely make anyone feel like a huge loser. It’s like losing to a stinking pile of horse poo dressed in a tarantula costume. What I loved about Lindzi always during Ben’s season was she was one of the only girls that stayed above the fray. It’s always cool to see the few hold-outs who never trash anyone, stay well-liked and go far. I am nervous she lets this part of her character go though since she makes it pretty clear at the outset she HATES Blakeley. Also, she crushes on Kalon. I would think it’s crazy but they are both pure breeds, so you know how that goes.

Ed Swiderski: So I mean, I like Ed in theory. He’s cute, ridiculous and doesn’t give many f*cks. But I can’t forgive him for duping Jillian and personifying the great failure of the Bachelor(ette) franchise. First of all, he makes a point to say how blondes are his type and his thing. Then he mentions he was nowhere near ready to get married when he proposed to Jillian. Infidelity, blah blah blah, whatever. It pisses me off more that he allowed an ending that season knowing it wasn’t with good intentions when someone could have made it far who was. And worse, Jillian is just a cool, likable chick. And she’s still defending him! Anyway, I will try to get on board with Ed since I like his pink jacket Night 1. Such a charicature.

Nick Peterson: Was boring on Ashley’s season so I expect him to be boring now. No idea how he made the cut (lots of other people said No).

Rachel “bangs” Trueheart: I have always been so smitten with Rachel’s bangs that I want to be behind her 100%. But I am already disappointed. Turns out, she’s kind of a mean girl (eg Blakeley). Which is doubly sucky since it appears Michael Stagliano is going to set his head-over-heels honing device squarely on Rachel. And Michael seems like he needs to love on a nice girl. Even if Holly Durst broke his heart for Blake, she was at least the kind of girl who was well-liked and never shit-talked. I just don’t want Michael to slum it now.

Sarah Newlon: I have no idea why or how this chick got on. She reminds us that she was the girl who couldn’t tell Brad Womack from his twin, and that pretty much tells me everything I need to know. She also spends a lot of time being angry with people she doesn’t know and is part of the small crew of people horribly offended that any super fans are on the show. (More on that later.)

Ryan Hoag: Apparently his claim to fame is that he’s a virgin. I have no idea why people admit that on this show. It does not make you desirable, it freaks people out. No one wants that pressure, ok? I am grateful he adds a miniscule shred of diversity to the cast.

Reid Rosenthal: I had sort of forgotten about Reid but his Philly accent and calm and good-guy demeanor are a welcome sight/sound for me. I don’t remember his ninja-style surprise proposal during Jillian’s season (that happened?) and I am bummed for him his teammate Paige goes home Night 1, but I am looking forward to him trying to make Ed’s life hell. It’s always refreshing when there is more dude drama than chick shit.

Jaclyn Swartz: Jaclyn wants to bait me. She wants to be a divisive, polarizing figure and she is trading on her “love me or hate me I don’t care” routine. For that reason alone, I am not going to give in. I’m not going to trash talk her because it’s what she wants. Don’t let the hyena trick you! So here are just the facts: Jaclyn was the girl who called Shawntel dumpster trash on Ben’s season. Jaclyn pretends to be friends with Blakeley and Rachel but hates both of them. Jaclyn has nothing nice to say about anyone and gets wasted Night 1 and teams up with an equally-trashed Ed. Jaclyn is very impressed she has a college degree and says it’s why her career will go farther than Blakeley’s waxing career. No one has informed Jaclyn that a high school degree is as valuable as expired jarred spaghetti sauce. Which, to be fair, is possibly more valuable because if you scrape off the fuzz at the top and heat the remaining sauce up, no one is the wiser. I have never done that though.

bachelorette emily episode MTA recap: baggage claim for me too, kalon

So, I’m sending this post from St. Lucia. I know, it’s a hard life. Well, it is hard sometimes, isn’t it? Race car drivers die untimely deaths, reality tv show hosts divorce, lots of people get veneers and some people just have their girl radar permanently broken.

I always like these studio recap/chat episodes – along with the Bachelor Pad – because we get to see a less edited version of these people. And less edited, Emily still presents very well. I have no idea how she still manages to come across bright, quick, kind, witty, classy, caring and strong-willed AND freakishly beautiful, but she does. This franchise will be worse when she is finally off its roster of rotating has-beens.

Anyway. Sit down time with Chris Harrison! After some “never before seen footage” which involves some fairly charming bleeped-out cussing (I’m Southern, too) from Emily, Chris sets us up for the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad. Is anyone else not surprised it looks AH-Mazing?! I could not be more excited. In fact, I think it’s fairly obvious to everyone – ABC included – that this vehicle should be the real meal ticket in the family. Besides the conniving and physical challenges, LOTS of couples are formed on the show. For fairy tales, Bachelor Pad is where it’s at. If fairy tales involved hot tubs, condoms and/or the withdrawal method. But anyway, let’s mention a few things:

• Looks like there is an altercation between the Chi-town boyz, Ed and Chris
• I am actually SUPER happy there is a spelling bee. That’s not weird, right?
• Chris sheds his aw-shucks-I’m-a-good-guy persona, and apparently gets with stripper Blakely, lap dancing Jamie and a third girl before it all ends
• Stagliano and Rachel with the Bangs get together??!! Wow. Ok.
• Lindzi and Kalon? That’s just weird.
• Boy drama. I.cannot.wait.

Chris Harrison welcomes the men from Emily’s season along with the obligatory clapping popularity contest when each name is called. A lot of people get very few claps or boos. But then it’s Sean’s turn. Swoon. I forgot how freaking cute he is.

Kalon in the Hot Seat: I love when people accuse him of being there for the “glitz and glamor”. It’s so glitzy when they’re all in the house farting and waxing their chests.

Ryan in the Hot Seat: I have a new take on Ryan. He is hilarious and so entertaining to watch. I love him. He is so unapologetic and borderline-clueless, that it makes him charming. No wonder even Emily got briefly roped in. Ryan still to this day is reaffirming his appreciation of who God blessed him to be. He also journals, hates being a bachelor in Augusta, Georgia and may or may not one day lead the largest megachurch in the South.

Chris in the Hot Seat: Young, emotional, was in love blah blah blah. Don’t care because we know he whores it out on Bachelor Pad starting in one week.

Sean in the Hot Seat: I am reminded Emily was sobbing after she sent Sean home. Duh. Sean is still so stand up and so gracious and so perfect.

Emily: Says all the right things and is classy enough to throw Sean a really nice compliment and also to admit she should have given Doug a rose the night he told her Kalon was calling Ricki baggage. Doug seems like a nicer, more normal guy now and I’m relieved. Also, apparently Emily follows Kalon on Twitter. But don’t worry, he doesn’t take social media seriously. Sorry for not being sorry, 99%.

Proof that Emily picks no one next week

• At the end of the interview with Emily, Chris Harrison says: “Normally I would ask how things are going, but I’m not going to… watch this Sunday.”
• The finale is on a Sunday with Bachelor Pad premiering on Monday. ABC wants viewers in their coveted spot to watch something good, instead of something that is an anticlimactic let-down.
• Previews where Chris Harrison says “Will Emily choose Arie or Jef or will her dreams come crashing down?”
• The scene where Emily is crying and saying, “I don’t know how to start the conversations” (emphasis on the plural) and Chris Harrison responding that she probably feels like she’s betraying both of them.
• For the first time ever, the ATFR show is live. Hmmm.

It wouldn’t be a surprise at all if she pulls a Brad I since she has a kid and fly-by-night proposals are not usually the best idea where offspring are concerned. But still, I am bummed because Jef and Arie are both likable and intriguing in their own ways. Since they’re best friends anyway, maybe we can have a spin-off bromance show to add to the grown franchise family.

Even though it doesn’t matter, let’s consider the recap previews of the two remaining men for next week

Arie’s is first and just shows a lot of kissing. Arie says “Emily is the love of my life” which makes me wonder what was going on before that arm tattoo he got.

Jef, who is “literally too cool” for Emily apparently makes her laugh, brings her out of her shell and gets her like no one else does. And on the Prague date, she fell hard for him.. That awesome All Saints dress sitting on the lookout in Utah and the look on her face when Jef is reading her his love letter makes me wish it was him for the win so bad.

Jef: I feel like we’ll have a love that makes the story books jealous.

I guess that makes me a story book.

Peace out peeps. I look forward to watching the finale in St Lucia. Maybe I’ll watch the entire Bachelor Pad season from a yacht docked near St Tropez. Maybe the next season of The Bachelorette will star a married mom of two kids. Dream big, you guys.

bachelor pad season two finale recap: erica for next bachelorette!

Here I am on US soil and I can’t even manage to get this blog out in a timely fashion. Worse- I missed the first half hour of the show. I’ve also come to the realization that I can’t handle this franchise with commercial interruptions. I feel like this obsession of mine merits two hours of precious time I will never get back. But certainly not three. And during the commercials, I was so lost. I stared forlornly at the mute button on the remote. Look, January 2 I will be back in Greenwich Mean Time watching this baby on iTunes or slingbox. As a proper junkie should. IJS.

But speaking of January 2… it’s a long way off. So I am compelling myself to do this one last post for awhile and think I will try and condense this recap to some mere questions:

1. Am I alone in thinking it unfair that a crucial elimination result should have hinged on arbitrary, subjective and non-expert analysis? (By past Bachelors and Bachelorettes, no less. Hi Jason!) A competition for money seems like one which merits only challenges with clearly defined rules and a transparent system which results in only one obvious winner.
2. Are Kirk and Ella together?
3. How cool was that when Kasey went to sulk in a gutter after Vienna accused him of yapping too much while trying to campaign for Michael and Holly to pick them to stay in the Final Four?! And I mean cool because it is the only time I have ever seen a non-glamorous inch of the “Mansion”.
4. Why did Graham say – when freaking out that Mike Stag might have the audacity to pick Kasey and Vienna for the final four over him and Michelle – that this show “is about relationships, not money”? Did no one explain the show to him?
5. Should Vienna feel bad that the rose ceremony was “the most important night of Kasey’s life”?

bachelor pad season two episode 5 recap: teeth

Apparently a horrible person.

This show is painfully boring without Jake, without Melissa, without Gia… I can see why the producers try so hard to manipulate things. You know things have gotten bad when the only storyline available for an entire episode is All About Blake. Blake is about as controversial as a flying squirrel.

The episode opens with everyone tired from the rose ceremony where Krazycakes Melissa left, but Chris Harrison comes in to drop the bombshell that each person needs to find a partner because now couples have to play the game and get kicked off or win together as a couple. And they have been advised to get to know each other. Cue the-

Nearlywed Game

I have to pause and say how fascinating it is (did I actually use the word fascinating) that people get a second chance at the viewing audience’s impression of them when doing this show. Michelle Money, for example, was a devious and conniving and mean vixen on the Brad Womack Deux season. Now on Bachelor Pad she is nice, friends with everyone, somewhat chaste and incredulous at others’ boorish behavior. So which is the real Michelle?

Now the dumbo questions of the dumbo game:

1. How many dates before making whoopie? Who goes on 22 or 32 dates before having sex? I call Michelle and Holly liars.
2. What animal would you be? Blake and Ericka practiced that one. Go team.
3. What do your exes miss? Vienna’s teeth- according to Kasey.
4. What quality drove the ex crazy?
5. If your partner could have sex with someone else in this house? Michael wants to punch Blake in his perfect dentist teeth. Can we just all accept this is the teeth season? They feature very prominently.
6. Least favorite person in the house? Everyone says Blake. I wish I knew better what he did to so alienate everyone? It can’t be that he played Melissa, right? No one liked her, right? I am so confused.
7. How many people has your partner had sex with?
8. Worst sense of fashion in the house?
9. Most likely to cheat?
10. How old when partner lost virginity? GRAHAM WAS 7?! Nope, it turns out Michelle and Graham have an answering strategy. S m a r t.
11. Who is most irritating person in the house?
12. Who in house is their secret crush?

Graham and Michelle win. I wanted Blake and Ericka to win because I was impressed how much they knew just from legitimately studying. I also just like watching Ericka so drastically veering from having strategically sound ideas and an irreverent sense of humor to being bat shit crazy.

bachelor pad season two episode 4 recap: hurricane melissa gets downgraded to a tropical storm

It feels so disorienting to watch Bachelor Pad on US soil, when it airs. The commercials are what’s throwing me off. They’re breaking up the flow of crazy and schemin’.

I was highly anticipating this episode. I mean, when have the producers ever, in the glorious “history” of this franchise, ended an episode with a cliffhanger? They’re up to something by beginning the episode with the rose ceremony from last week. Jake makes a little speech about how everyone needs to take out the power couples and then yet again blows smoke up Vienna and Kasey’s asses. Vienna and Kasey meanwhile will obviously use their favorite aphrodisiac to make a BEELINE to the boom boom room.

KICK ROCKS. It’s Kasey’s favorite expression. He is filled with expressions. Actually, that’s just sort of everything on earth I can think of to say about Kasey. He is filled with expressions.

Anyway, so now I am annoyed. Because there is nothing dramatic about the rose ceremony where Jake exits and makes a little useless speech that merited saving it for another week. Yet another example of how the producers of this show grossly miscalculatewhat its viewers find riveting.

Also a fail: Chris Harrison’s grey t-shirt and pink button-down combo.

Kissing Contest challenge

Michelle Money is not doing the kissing contest because she wants to be a good example to her 6 year-old at home. Hopefully her 6 year-old will aspire instead to emulate the time her mom dry humped and tongue-raped Brad in a string bikini on the beach during a Sports Illustrated photo shoot.

Blake is excited to have his first kiss with Holly. The doctor is in. He said it, not me.

William is thoughtful and just gives Holly a peck since Michael is there. The other guys follow suit.

Michael gets a shit-eating grin after he kisses Holly but then lives a nightmare (his words) watching Blake and his “motion of the ocean.” Blake just did it up with all the girls. He had a baby-making kiss with Ella (her words). Look, he is in it to win it.

Erica reminds us for the umpteenth time she maintains her lips with injections. Every six months, in case you were wondering. I wonder if the makers of Restylane are psyched she is the unofficial spokesperson.

There is so much serious music drama with Holly and Blake doing it up in the kissing contest.

Ella and Blake get a majority of the votes. Ella’s got great lips. Blake’s got really white teeth. Everybody’s happy.

For now.

bachelor pad season two episode 3 recap: kasey sings again. i swear.

I swear I'll donate all my winnings to charity.

“Power couples” as a term makes super crabby.

Let’s begin.

I like that something that is pissing Melissa off is the opening scene. Melissa is a joy to watch. You know why? Because let’s be honest: her brand of bat-shit psycho is just a very outward and intense manifestation of the little strain we all have in us. She’s that girl- the one you like having tangentially included in your wider group of friends because it makes you look so reasonable and chillaxed in comparison.

Also, she looks skeletal. Also, she will be humiliated when she sees the episode later and sees that she was cataloguing Blake’s whereabouts throughout the house for 8 hours. Oh no, you have to be self-aware to be able to experience humiliation.

Blake, who despite flirtingly on the verge of being sent home one of these days, continues to be the house’s most prolific and impressive poet: “Melissa is a live wire waiting to zap someone… and I’m covered in water.”

Right before the challenge, Jake informs us he is blessed with mental durability, physical strength and problem-solving so he needs a challenge that falls into one of those three categories. But what if the challenge falls in the category of humility? How would Jake fare? Oh wait, he ALSO has timing and technique from DWTS. And humility. Do. Not. Forget. Humility.

Synchronized Swimming challenge

Vienna is giddy with excitement as she was on the swim team in high school and was a dancer on the cheerleader squad. Look, I was on the swim team in 8th grade and you don’t see me bragging about it. Never mind that only three people joined so we all made the team by default. My point is, I know me a little something about swim teams, and I don’t think said coaches would take kindly to their sport being compared with synchronized swimming. Not that I have anything but love for the sport. Confession: I love synchronized swimming. I have tickets for it at the London Olympics 2012, bizitches!

Speaking of coaches, I wonder how much synchronized swimming coaches get paid.

Princess Erica never learned to dive. I never learned to flip-turn. Life is unfair. But cheer up because the outfits the girls get to wear are pretty sweet. I am sensing a new whore-tastic Halloween costume opportunity. I just have to quickly get rid of my THREE HUNDRED stretch marks.

I know this whole show is a farce, a sham, a pile of poo poo – but I still expect some measure of fairness. And it does not strike me as fair that 2 out of 3 of the judges for this competition know nothing about synchronized swimming, but worse are former cast members of the franchise who already know some of the people in the house and have strong, sometimes negative opinions. (See David’s blog for a semi-regular skewering of Jake, as they were on the Jillian season together). I demand objectivity in my trash tv!!

bachelor pad season two episode 2 recap: good people lose and bad people go to the ‘boom boom room’

I can't believe I am a feminist.

The episode unfolds with someone yammering on about “the most shocking exit in Bachelor Pad history.” I am still so annoyed when this show is referred to in a historical context. I am about to put all bad feelings aside and then Kasey’s voice comes through. My mother-in-law and I both cringe. Will someone please finally unravel the mystery of why he speaks the way he does?

Target on Your Back competition

It wouldn’t be a summer season of Bachelor Pad unless there was at least one competition where the contestants have an opportunity to degrade, humiliate and destroy the self-esteem of fellow housemates. This is the day. The barely-clad men and women line up separately with targets painted on their backs and get the privilege of experiencing a true double whammy of degradation: physical pain from being shot with a paint ball and the physical pain being overshadowed by the emotional pain of knowing someone is stabbing you in the back with said paint ball because they hate you.

Who are you least attracted to?

Who least deserves the money?

Who do you want to go home this week?

Who is the dumbest?

The competition leaves me with some fairly significant questions.

1. How can Michael Stagliano be the least attractive male? He is hot and awesome and the best man ever to grace this franchise (tie with Cape Cod Chris).
2. Why do all the girls want Jake to go home? Why are people buying into the Vienna propaganda? On Jake’s season of The Bachelor, Vienna was universally hated and vilified by the other girls- especially Ali, who went on as a fan favorite to be in The Bachelorette. By the transitive property, this means to me that women strongly dislike Vienna (ditto) and yet all the girls in this house are under her spell. So what am I missing?
3. If the way to win this competition is just to hit the most bullseyes, then that means it doesn’t matter who you hit, it just matters that you hit a target. If that is the case then after Princess Erica has been repeatedly humiliated as the “least attractive woman in the house”, why couldn’t the last few guys just hurl paint balls at someone else and put her out of her misery?

Two stand out moments: First, when Kasey brags that he played baseball his whole life but then misses the target. Second, Erica’s way of dealing with seriously compromised self-worth over her looks is to express total shock since “Ella is less attractive” than her. Way to keep it classy, Princess.

And in what is now a recurring theme on the show, Jake’s failures make Vienna and Kasey super horny. Which isn’t incredibly disturbing at all. When Jake lost the bulls eye competition, Kasey said it made him want to go with Vienna to the “boom boom room.”  There are no words.

bachelor pad season two episode 1 recap: i dare you to find better tv

I want to forget this image for the rest of my life.

Nothing like a recap a week late on the day the new episode airs, but my reality tv blogging OCD compels me to post it. I didn’t want anyone to worry that maybe I didn’t think this was the most awesome season of the most awesome tv franchise ever. Because I don’t not think that. I mean, I do. You know what I mean.

Since the episode is old news, I think it best to just quickly summarize what we know about the “contestants” in order of show narratives and entrances and tomfoolery:

Justin “Rated R”: “R” is for “Revenge” according to himself. Or for “Reality Star”, as he also declares. I am going to piss him off and call him Justin from now on.

Jackie: Cute NY brunette artisty-type. Is scared of Michelle Money. Is anyone not?

Michelle Money: She says, “Watch out, there will be fireworks.” Michelle is one of those gorgeous people who decides to use her looks for evil, rather than good. Or so I think she is e-v-i-l until the montage where she loves her kid and her beloved father is dying of Stage 4 colon cancer. But also, if your dad was dying, why would you spend all your time filming in LA? I need some time to mull over how I really feel about Michelle, mmkay.

Gia: Needs to get a life as she is the only repeat Pad-er. I get that she is eye candy for viewers but I mean, all these girls can rock a bikini. Wes cheated on her with Vienna (How does that happen? How does one choose bologna over steak?). Gia hates Vienna and says “all she cares about is getting famous.” Because that’s totally NOT what Gia cares about. Gia, get a job!

Vienna: I love the opening shot of her getting a spray tan. At least she watches her exposure to UV rays. And that may be the only nice thing I say about her this whole season. Oh and her peach dress with her bosomy boob job is so quintessentially that part of Florida. Questions to dissect this season: Why is she mad at Gia if she stole Gia’s ex? and Why is she to terrified of Jake?

Kasey: Still speaks with a weird, guttural monotone. Has been dating Vienna for six months. Still says the words “heart” and “protect” waaaaaaay too much. Drinking game! Also, Kasey informs us he has gained 30 lbs of solid muscle. Foreshadowing. You can tell he is in turmoil about whether to accept Jake’s peacemaking overtures or not- but I have to give him credit for my new favorite thing to say about someone: “I am mentally beating him up.” Also, loves Vienna more than peanut butter cookies.