Tag Archives: twins

bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens



I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.


Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?


I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?


Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading


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bachelor ben h week 4: dim city

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Except when I do.

How was the Democratic debate? Wouldn’t know.

Week 4! Chris Harrison enters the Mansion and shares with the ladies that they’re headed to Las Vegas to meet Ben, and that’s where they will find the first date card. The twins speak at the same time about how they were born and raised there. A bunch of people shout “Viva Las Vegas!” Odds they know what ‘viva’ means?

Cut to the women walk through the lobby of The Aria resort and casino and 90% of them are in jeans and a white shirt. Not sure why, but yeah.

You Set My Heart On Fire date with JoJo

(FYI- Olivia: “Ben is my piece. I’m zen with Ben.”)

JoJo’s hair on fleek! Her nail polish shade on fleek! Ben H mentions having a glass of champagne and JoJo says “I looooooove that” spookily just like Saturday Night Live’s Bachelor spoof this past weekend.

Ben and JoJo wait for a helicopter and kiss in the helicopter gusts while all the other women watch from above. Then they take a helicopter ride and then – are you ready for it – they just end up in a nondescript hotel room. Frickin helicopter ride in Vegas and your ultimate destination is the same as an upscale Marriott in Cleveland.

JoJo shares she ended her 1 1/2 year relationship 5 months ago. She is vague about whether she was cheated on or whether she was dating a married man, but either way it made her insecure because that person wasn’t “giving his all”. Wait, this was the big past bombshell she was nervous about? Their whole conversation is way edited and I have no idea what’s actually going on between them, but JoJo gets a rose. Now likely something will happen outside on the roof involving either fireworks or a private concert. Oh, fireworks. Short, cliche, non-informative edited date concludes.

Show Me What You Got group date with Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia- maybe someone else?

Olivia refers to herself in the third person as The Frontrunner.

The women enter the Terry Fator theater. Caila just said she grew up watching Terry Fator on tv. For real??? Whomever Terry Fator is tells all the women that basically they have to be in a talent competition audition, opening that night in front of 1200 for Terry Fator’s show. The twins are psyched because their mom made them study dance when they were younger. So they do an Irish River Dance. Jubilee plays the cello. JUBILEE PLAYS THE CELLO. Continue reading


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bachelor ben h: the episode with Ice Cube (?)

(I’m going to close my eyes and just go back to Straight Outta Compton and Boyz N the Hood.)


This happened.

I see Ben H’s no kissing rule was just for Night 1.

Gratuitous shot of Ben at The Four Seasons pulling his pants on up and over his underwear bulge. This show is at least about equal opportunity exploitation. Also, why is he staying at The Four Seasons?

Let’s Learn How to Love group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

Lace is glad she gets to redeem herself because the drunken fool on display Night 1 is “not her.” Oh but it is! That was you drinking, amirite?

The ladies take the limo to “Bachelor High” and Ben H wants the date to be goofy and fun, so as to relieve any stress. “High school is where I have some of my fondest memories.” Shocking.

Chris Harrison’s nerdy school outfit is actually super dope. Jackie: “I was never Homecoming Queen in high school.” I feel like never is a weird word choice. How many opportunities do you get? One, right? So grammatically it should be “I was not Homecoming Queen…” Get it together!

The women actually get composition books and basically engage in a school-themed obstacle course replete with science experiments (volcanoes), lunch class (bobbing for apples), geography (find/don’t find Indiana on a map), gym (basketball free throw), and hurdle competition to become Homecoming Queen. Mandy wins and gets a tiara, letter jacket and a sash and then they take a victory lap in a convertible.

Incidentally, Ben says in reference to placing Indiana on a map: It’s not like I’m asking them to place Indonesia on a map. Except, hello, Indonesia would be hella easier! It’s surrounded by water and has one million teeny trailing off islands and is in South Asia. You have a 50-50 chance of guessing Indonesia right. Indiana is hard! It’s one of those states somewhere between the coasts with zero water features or a memorable shape. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h: he actually seems like a nice guy


Very anti-eye contact.

The fun thing about saying Ben with an H is to differentiate him from Ben What’s His Name who was also once The Bachelor and pretended to own a vineyard and picked that terrible model and I think is now on Tinder or something.

I have to leave my house for a flight at 4:45am, so I am pretty psyched about it being the boringest night ever for the series: Limo Night. We can fantasize that one day they will arrive in stretch hummers or just dope tricked-out vintage cars or a party bus. But for now, it’s straight up 1991 at The Mansion.

(Did you know Ben H is a “devout Christian”? I mean zero editorially about this, just making sure we’re all in the loop together.)

Some words/phrases we hear in the opening montage: Epic. Heart wide open. Ready to meet my wife. Fall for. Dream come true. Picture a future. Confident this love is real. Not a question in my mind. Can picture being down on one knee. / Crying. Fifty shades of crazy. I don’t know if I can do this.

Note: Chris Harrison calls this season “exciting”, not “Most Dramatic Ever.”

Ben’s background: From Warsaw, Indiana. 26 years-old. Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball. So even though he lives in Denver, a metropolis, we see Ben H shooting hoops against a charming red barn. Was QB of the football team and some other stuff. Parents verrry attractive, happily married and live by the water with a boat and are wearing short-sleeves. SO NOT IN WARSAW, INDIANA. (Take a hint, Chris Soules’ entire family.)

We see Ben H enter the mansion from a sports car and “three of America’s favorite Bachelors” are there to greet him: Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, Chris Soules. Wait, are those faves? Jason is definitely my fave BECAUSE HE’S SHORT. I sweat that mmmm hmmmm. Yup. Sean: whatever. Chris: failed, so why are you giving advice? They’re calling the women “girls.” I can’t remember- are we cool wit dat? (Jason Mesnick just had bad armpit sweat.)

So right before limos, Chris Harrison says to us “It’s hard to believe, but the limos are about to arrive.” Is it hard to believe? This is Season 19.

Right after limos, Ben H calls his parents on speaker. Swoony swoonola.

The cast / girls / young ladies / you guys:

Lauren B, 25. Beach is her happy place. From Portland. Is a flight attendant. Lives in SoCal now. First out of limo. Brought Ben H a wings pin and made a “take off” pun. Ben H really likes her. ROSE.

Caila, software sales rep in Boston. Met ex on a plane. Dumped him when saw Ben H come out of the limo on Kaitlyn’s season. Um. Also, she ran out of limo into Ben H’s arms. They later talk about how they both sell software. ROSE.

Jubilee, 24, war veteran who had joined army at 18. Lives in Ft Lauderdale. Gorgeous and has an upper boob tattoo and a front thigh tattoo. Ben likes her low-cut white dress out of the limo. Also, Jubilee’s a** doesn’t need spanx. It’s Pippa Middleton caliber. ROSE. Continue reading


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bachelor pad 3 episode 1 recap: i’m only watching because stagliano is there

Chris Harrison, this is really your job.

So I’m a hypocrite. I generally can’t stand these career reality vets like Beth on Real World and now Erica Rose on Bachelor Pad. And yet – like much of America – I totally dig every single thing about Michael Stagliano (even the way he gets too obsessed with girls too fast) and so he is hopefully going to redeem this turd of a season for me. I hope I’m wrong, but so far I care so little about any particular outcome (money, hook-ups, etc) that I was leaving the screen for lengthy periods of time to do household chores. And I hate chores. But I guess that’s how bored I was.

Chris Harrison tells us from the water-soaked driveway of the Mansion that this year’s contestants vying for $250K are some of “the most memorable and controversial people of seasons past”. I so beg to differ (Tony, really? Nate, who? Sarah, seriously? Ryan? Don’t care). But then the producerz switch it up and throw 6/7 “super fans” into the mix. I am actually grateful for the new blood.

The turd burglars in order of limo appearance:

Chris Bukowski: So in love with Emily Maynard 5 minutes ago that he is grateful to be in the mansion, which is part of history, to have his heart mended with multiple sexcapades.

Lindzi Cox: I can’t help it, I love me some Lindzi. She has that fab huskyish voice and despite her waaaay too much eye make-up, she is so adorbs. She is hilar when she reminds us that “I’m the girl that lost to Courtney.” That would definitely make anyone feel like a huge loser. It’s like losing to a stinking pile of horse poo dressed in a tarantula costume. What I loved about Lindzi always during Ben’s season was she was one of the only girls that stayed above the fray. It’s always cool to see the few hold-outs who never trash anyone, stay well-liked and go far. I am nervous she lets this part of her character go though since she makes it pretty clear at the outset she HATES Blakeley. Also, she crushes on Kalon. I would think it’s crazy but they are both pure breeds, so you know how that goes.

Ed Swiderski: So I mean, I like Ed in theory. He’s cute, ridiculous and doesn’t give many f*cks. But I can’t forgive him for duping Jillian and personifying the great failure of the Bachelor(ette) franchise. First of all, he makes a point to say how blondes are his type and his thing. Then he mentions he was nowhere near ready to get married when he proposed to Jillian. Infidelity, blah blah blah, whatever. It pisses me off more that he allowed an ending that season knowing it wasn’t with good intentions when someone could have made it far who was. And worse, Jillian is just a cool, likable chick. And she’s still defending him! Anyway, I will try to get on board with Ed since I like his pink jacket Night 1. Such a charicature.

Nick Peterson: Was boring on Ashley’s season so I expect him to be boring now. No idea how he made the cut (lots of other people said No).

Rachel “bangs” Trueheart: I have always been so smitten with Rachel’s bangs that I want to be behind her 100%. But I am already disappointed. Turns out, she’s kind of a mean girl (eg Blakeley). Which is doubly sucky since it appears Michael Stagliano is going to set his head-over-heels honing device squarely on Rachel. And Michael seems like he needs to love on a nice girl. Even if Holly Durst broke his heart for Blake, she was at least the kind of girl who was well-liked and never shit-talked. I just don’t want Michael to slum it now.

Sarah Newlon: I have no idea why or how this chick got on. She reminds us that she was the girl who couldn’t tell Brad Womack from his twin, and that pretty much tells me everything I need to know. She also spends a lot of time being angry with people she doesn’t know and is part of the small crew of people horribly offended that any super fans are on the show. (More on that later.)

Ryan Hoag: Apparently his claim to fame is that he’s a virgin. I have no idea why people admit that on this show. It does not make you desirable, it freaks people out. No one wants that pressure, ok? I am grateful he adds a miniscule shred of diversity to the cast.

Reid Rosenthal: I had sort of forgotten about Reid but his Philly accent and calm and good-guy demeanor are a welcome sight/sound for me. I don’t remember his ninja-style surprise proposal during Jillian’s season (that happened?) and I am bummed for him his teammate Paige goes home Night 1, but I am looking forward to him trying to make Ed’s life hell. It’s always refreshing when there is more dude drama than chick shit.

Jaclyn Swartz: Jaclyn wants to bait me. She wants to be a divisive, polarizing figure and she is trading on her “love me or hate me I don’t care” routine. For that reason alone, I am not going to give in. I’m not going to trash talk her because it’s what she wants. Don’t let the hyena trick you! So here are just the facts: Jaclyn was the girl who called Shawntel dumpster trash on Ben’s season. Jaclyn pretends to be friends with Blakeley and Rachel but hates both of them. Jaclyn has nothing nice to say about anyone and gets wasted Night 1 and teams up with an equally-trashed Ed. Jaclyn is very impressed she has a college degree and says it’s why her career will go farther than Blakeley’s waxing career. No one has informed Jaclyn that a high school degree is as valuable as expired jarred spaghetti sauce. Which, to be fair, is possibly more valuable because if you scrape off the fuzz at the top and heat the remaining sauce up, no one is the wiser. I have never done that though. Continue reading


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