Nothing like a recap a week late on the day the new episode airs, but my reality tv blogging OCD compels me to post it. I didn’t want anyone to worry that maybe I didn’t think this was the most awesome season of the most awesome tv franchise ever. Because I don’t not think that. I mean, I do. You know what I mean.
Since the episode is old news, I think it best to just quickly summarize what we know about the “contestants” in order of show narratives and entrances and tomfoolery:
Justin “Rated R”: “R” is for “Revenge” according to himself. Or for “Reality Star”, as he also declares. I am going to piss him off and call him Justin from now on.
Jackie: Cute NY brunette artisty-type. Is scared of Michelle Money. Is anyone not?
Michelle Money: She says, “Watch out, there will be fireworks.” Michelle is one of those gorgeous people who decides to use her looks for evil, rather than good. Or so I think she is e-v-i-l until the montage where she loves her kid and her beloved father is dying of Stage 4 colon cancer. But also, if your dad was dying, why would you spend all your time filming in LA? I need some time to mull over how I really feel about Michelle, mmkay.
Gia: Needs to get a life as she is the only repeat Pad-er. I get that she is eye candy for viewers but I mean, all these girls can rock a bikini. Wes cheated on her with Vienna (How does that happen? How does one choose bologna over steak?). Gia hates Vienna and says “all she cares about is getting famous.” Because that’s totally NOT what Gia cares about. Gia, get a job!
Vienna: I love the opening shot of her getting a spray tan. At least she watches her exposure to UV rays. And that may be the only nice thing I say about her this whole season. Oh and her peach dress with her bosomy boob job is so quintessentially that part of Florida. Questions to dissect this season: Why is she mad at Gia if she stole Gia’s ex? and Why is she to terrified of Jake?
Kasey: Still speaks with a weird, guttural monotone. Has been dating Vienna for six months. Still says the words “heart” and “protect” waaaaaaay too much. Drinking game! Also, Kasey informs us he has gained 30 lbs of solid muscle. Foreshadowing. You can tell he is in turmoil about whether to accept Jake’s peacemaking overtures or not- but I have to give him credit for my new favorite thing to say about someone: “I am mentally beating him up.” Also, loves Vienna more than peanut butter cookies.
Stupid Jake: Jake also needs to get a job. That opening scene of him doing sky tricks in a plane has got to be a hoax. There is something creepy about him when he is explaining to Jackie on their date why Vienna and him broke up. How about that little girl who cried for happiness when she saw him on the sidewalk?! I hope at some point we get a better explanation for why Jake gives the rose to Vienna. The strategy is still suspect to me and in sadder news, has left Gia “heartbroken.”
Erica: Every time there has to be one blast from the past that none of us actually remember. This time around it’s some girl with a trust fund who was on the Prince season. Erica speaks in a horrendous monotone (“Jake, we’re both from Texas. Yay.”) and it distracts the hell out of me. Also, she is weird and annoying and boring. Also, what was with her see-through dress at the rose ceremony? And when she declares “thanks, boys” and then dramatically sniffs the rose?
Graham: How many smokin’ hot guys are that into charity? I ask of you. Where can I find his clothing line?
Ella: Wants to win the $ for a house for her son, Ethan. Also, her mother was murdered. Take that, everyone else whose parents died prematurely in such a boring fashion! Also, she said the harness competition thing was “more painful than childbirth.” Which means she was on an epidural then.
Holly: Michael Stagliano was the love of her life but she broke it off. And also became a brunette. And also crushes on Blake the moment she meets him. At one point, out of sorts that her ex is on the show, she says: “This isn’t normal. It’s not normal to live with your ex after you break up.” Because the rest of the scenario is normal?
Michael Stagliano: is broken-hearted over Holly.
Blake: Turns out he is a bit of a Lothario and a cad. How can he also be a dentist, amirite?
Ames: I think hooks up with Jackie pretty quickly. I so want Ames to find true love. Because he is his brilliant Ivy League-educated self, he knows better than to actually pair up with Jackie for competitions. His Ivy League-educated self also can’t help but wear light khakis and a navy blazer to the rose ceremony. I love me some Amesy.
Alli: I just remember her being bigger during Brad’s season and less fashionable. She may not understand, but she did sort of try and play both sides so if that’s why they sent her home, whatevsies.
Crazy Melissa: Kindof mute this episode but I can’t wait for her to get her crazy on.
Kurt: I still feel so bad about his dad’s taxidermy collection. He also still gets bright red with sunburn. Hopefully he is still a nice boy on this not-very-nice show.
William: Still a doofus, still cute and funny, still inappropriate. He doesn’t care that he was lamely the first one down from the harness competition since he was just happy to be straddled by Gia in her bikini.
Best conversation of the episode:
Kasey (in a harness): I can’t feel my limbs any longer. Or my pelvis.
Vienna (clinging to him in her Florida trash bikini): Don’t let me go.
Kasey: I just lost feeling in my torso.
Vienna: Hold on to me no matter what.
Kasey: Does “no matter what” include blood loss?
Vienna: All I care about is beating Jake.
Kasey: My vision is now blurry.
Vienna: You swore you would never let me down.
Kasey: I just lost three fingers from loss of circulation.
Vienna: You promised you would protect me.
Kasey: The Gangrene has now taken my left arm.
Vienna: Keep holding me.
Kasey: I left a copy of my will with my mother.
Vienna: We have to beat Jake.
Kasey: I am dying. Goodbye forever.
Vienna: You dick. Way to choose feeling in your extremities over a delusional plan for vengeance I have.
After Jake gives Vienna the rose, she is trembling and shaking and channeling the still unexplained fright and revulsion she has for Jake. This makes her lunge towards Kasey and, after verbally raping him earlier for daring to not win the very painful harness competition, now whisper “I am going to marry you and have your babies” and then proceeds to hump his bones in the sex room at the house. Thus making Jake’s rose the most disturbing aphrodisiac in Bachelor Pad history.