“Power couples” as a term makes super crabby.
I like that something that is pissing Melissa off is the opening scene. Melissa is a joy to watch. You know why? Because let’s be honest: her brand of bat-shit psycho is just a very outward and intense manifestation of the little strain we all have in us. She’s that girl- the one you like having tangentially included in your wider group of friends because it makes you look so reasonable and chillaxed in comparison.
Also, she looks skeletal. Also, she will be humiliated when she sees the episode later and sees that she was cataloguing Blake’s whereabouts throughout the house for 8 hours. Oh no, you have to be self-aware to be able to experience humiliation.
Blake, who despite flirtingly on the verge of being sent home one of these days, continues to be the house’s most prolific and impressive poet: “Melissa is a live wire waiting to zap someone… and I’m covered in water.”
Right before the challenge, Jake informs us he is blessed with mental durability, physical strength and problem-solving so he needs a challenge that falls into one of those three categories. But what if the challenge falls in the category of humility? How would Jake fare? Oh wait, he ALSO has timing and technique from DWTS. And humility. Do. Not. Forget. Humility.
Synchronized Swimming challenge
Vienna is giddy with excitement as she was on the swim team in high school and was a dancer on the cheerleader squad. Look, I was on the swim team in 8th grade and you don’t see me bragging about it. Never mind that only three people joined so we all made the team by default. My point is, I know me a little something about swim teams, and I don’t think said coaches would take kindly to their sport being compared with synchronized swimming. Not that I have anything but love for the sport. Confession: I love synchronized swimming. I have tickets for it at the London Olympics 2012, bizitches!
Speaking of coaches, I wonder how much synchronized swimming coaches get paid.
Princess Erica never learned to dive. I never learned to flip-turn. Life is unfair. But cheer up because the outfits the girls get to wear are pretty sweet. I am sensing a new whore-tastic Halloween costume opportunity. I just have to quickly get rid of my THREE HUNDRED stretch marks.
I know this whole show is a farce, a sham, a pile of poo poo – but I still expect some measure of fairness. And it does not strike me as fair that 2 out of 3 of the judges for this competition know nothing about synchronized swimming, but worse are former cast members of the franchise who already know some of the people in the house and have strong, sometimes negative opinions. (See David’s blog for a semi-regular skewering of Jake, as they were on the Jillian season together). I demand objectivity in my trash tv!!
Why is Kirk always sunburnt? Every season. Oh, Kirky.
Jake has a big package. Apparently. He is also the only pale guy in the lineup which makes me feel bad like its proof he is always lurking in the house while everyone else is outside having fun, being fake friends.
And it’s Mike Stag for the guy win, which seems anticlimactic since he’s a dance choreographer. Michelle takes it for the ladiez for showmanship and razzle dazzle. Vienna feels cheated because [she] worked [her] butt off.
Vienna and Kasey are upset because they’ve had no time alone. Not counting the boom boom room, I guess. Vienna and Kasey are combusting. Kasey is badmouthing his fame whore of a girlfriend, although I am pretty sure he started this particular row about her being “nice” to Jake. Vienna accuses Kasey of not protecting her. Did someone mention the word P R O T E C T??????? Don’t you dare question Kasey’s protecting prowess. EVER. Or else he will sing to you.
Michelle’s vineyard date
(I feel lost without the play-on-words name of the date. Just sayin’.)
Graham, Kasey and Blake are the chosen ones. I think it’s because they are in Michelle’s alliance or something.
“Melissa is a very good friend of mine.” – Michelle Money.
TWO CRAZIES = BFF 4-EVA.
Michelle gives Blake advice to undo the damage he caused Michelle. I am reading between the lines and Michelle’s serious expression and vague advice, and I think Michelle is essentially recommending Blake prostitute himself. (Even though we find out later that Blake thinks Melissa is a “shrew of a bitch.” The poet strikes again!)
Michelle has a crush on Graham. I observe he doesn’t make eye contact. And he’s not good at sharing. This is like DeAnna season redux. Kissing to the rescue. And cue the rose. “Graham is one of the best guys I have ever known.” says Michelle. I wonder what it means to have a character endorsement from Michelle.
Michael’s Every Rose Has its Thorn date
Vienna, Ella and Holly get chosen because Mike is a stand-up guy and wants Vienna and Ella to have a chance to leave the house and because he is still madly in love with Holly. Meanwhile, Holly doesn’t want Mike to ask her on the date. Needs distance, she says. But you know this poor, romantic soul will always go with his heart.
Cutiepie Mike bans strategy-talk from the date while Vienna complains incessantly. About the helmet, sun, heat, pollution, smell. Which impresses Ella little. Here is a rhetorical question: what are the redeeming attributes of Vienna?
And poor Holly. She is emotion-ed out and wants to break it to Michael that they might not be meant to be. Except her way of rejecting him is inexplicably to ask Michael if he misses her. And then says that Michael feels like her home.
BRET MICHAELS??? Thank god. Reality tv has not been the same since he was on hiatus from clogging up the VH1 docket. I sorta dug his little serenade though. I quickly looked around the room for someone to slow-dance with at the 7th-grade dance, but all I could find was my husband and I know better than to make eye contact with him during a viewing of anything-Bachelor.
back at the mansion
Blake re-commits his energy to whoring himself out for Melissa’s support.
Kasey: People don’t realize the inner struggles that I deal with on a day-to-day basis. NB this show tapes for one week total. Also, Kasey’s brain adapts well.
Jake is trying to rally the misfits to pick off Kasey. And speaking of, why is William mute this series?
I would never accuse Jake of being a genius (or jenius) but why he is the first person to really promote the obvious that you should try and vote out the strongest people/pairs? Or he might be a genius (or martyr) for making out with Erica to save himself? Don’t worry, Erica maintains her lips with injections every few months.
I feel bad Vienna and Kasey have to celebrate their SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY in the house. Everyone knows how important a six-month anniversary is. I think the traditional material for that one is tattoo ink. Seeing Vienna’s heart hurt makes Kasey’s heart hurt. Vienna blurts out she doesn’t want an engagement ring. But she is excited for a promise ring. I think. That whole sequence was very strange. But even though Kasey’s heart feels defeated, the bling goes on Vienna’s finger.
All of the sudden
HE SINGS. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Lyrics include: “I gave you a promise, and put it on your finger… and you are mine forever.” Kasey singing about putting a ring on Vienna’s finger immediately after he actually puts a ring on her finger reminds me that Kasey’s songs (flashback to Ali) are often factual accountings of immediately-occurred life events. I think there is a karaoke drinking game in there somewhere. Here, I will take a stab at my own little melody, and I encourage you to do the same.
I wrote a blog post… about Bachelor Pad… and then drank milk directly from the container when no one was looking.
Auto-tune that shit, yo.
Also, my husband categorically refuses to watch this show but actually turned to me while Kasey was singing and said, “Why is he singing? That’s embarrassing.”
Day of rose ceremony
Jake is right on the money that people need to start thinking about the money, and not a bunch of other jacked-up nonsense.
Change-up this week is that every single person gets to vote for one guy to be voted off.
I hate that I like Vienna’s off-the-shoulder aqua dress.
I am finally digging some of the strategy. Jake and Erica launch a campaign to get a 7-person majority to vote Kasey off. To accomplish this, Erica has to convince Kirk (aka the most rational and astute person in the house. Watch the quiet ones!), chat up Blake, appease Melissa, etc.
When Kasey made everyone cheers to loyalty to him, I finally see why the blogosphere refers to him as The Godfather. But then when they get wind of the little plan to try and turn the tide, Vienna and Kasey march around letting people have it via nonsensical verbal daggers.
How did the dumb Princess get so temporarily smart? Erica is killing it this episode with her scheming and wit! Although I actually think her restylaned-lips don’t look as hot as she thinks.
WHY does Jake make some weird little speech to Kasey about how one of them are going home? He just can never give up an opportunity to have an awkward chat with Kasey and/or Vienna.
I laugh when the guys hug Michelle when she hands them a rose. As though she personally chose them to stay.
THE CLOSEST VOTE EVER ON BACHELOR PAD (according to Chris Harrison) and Kirk the sunburnt swing vote obviously blew it. Kasey lives another day.
The credits cue immediately and there are no previews for next week so something must have gone down immediately after this announcement that is so good and juicy it needs to be edited in later, or so inappropriate it can’t shown. But I admit it, I bite. I am almost tempted to go read a spoiler… Kasey.
Not one person can actually think these little scenes with The Mask to be humorous, right?