Well, to be more specific, I gave up on recapping the past two episodes. I watched. Of course I watched. I never don’t watch. I even took notes. Copious notes. But the Olympic Games had my attention and time and that was that.
I know this is old news, but the twins need their own reality spin-off show. It might be like nails on a chalkboard, but come on! Their dynamic with one another is amazing. “You called me a slut four times.” Also I figured out the way to tell them apart is that one does that weird thing where she over-plucks her eyebrows so each one just looks like half an eyebrow.
Beyond that, let’s just quickly highlight the Best Of episodes 2 and 3 in Tweets and hashtags:
- During the rhythmic gymnastics competition, Nick called his participation “the most absurd thing he has ever done in his life.” #ironic
- It’s embarrassing that Ashley and JP and a former Olympic gymnast judged the competition. #moneywasgood?
- I think the Kalon/Lindzi pairing has the potential to actually be a nice thing, but how will he ever explain himself out of his comment: “The girls look terrible. Shopping and gymnastics: what else do you have to do in your life?” #youdontmeanthat
- The way Donna was eating a banana. #thatsall
- I like Stagliano but it’s weird he frenched it out on that one group date with Donna to “fulfill her fantasy”. #stayclassybacheloryoda
- There’s much that can be written about how krazykakes Chris is every episode, but I definitely have to mention during that derby car date with Blakeley et al, he did in fact say “if David gets the rose, someone’s gonna die.” #luckilydaviddidnotgettherose
- I know people hate on the fact that Jamie sometimes wears fingerless gloves, but I don’t really mind quirky. It’s her horrifyingly low self-esteem, astounding delusion and constant wearing of fake eyelashes that gets me going. #justsayin
- You know that Hot Sludge Funday challenge from last week? #ijustwantedtotypehotsludgefunday
- We never get any sense of who Nick is but notable things from last week include the fact that Tony referred to him as “Captain Protein Powder” and, even better, when Donna was moping around at the cocktail party, freaking that her minutes left in the douse were numbered, Nick quickly dove in for an emergency make-out sesh. #quickthinking
- After Reid’s scheming last week, a very offended Jaclyn made a big toast with everyone saying “everyone needs to be more honest in how they play the game.” #whatthehellareyoutalkingabout
Starting Monday morning, I was feeling a tremendous emptiness about the Olympics being over. Mike Fleiss threw salt in my wound when the voiceover at the outset of the episode said: “Now that the summer games are over, let the games continue on the Bachelor Pad. Seriously?
After “last night’s” elimination, David, the last (and most likable) fan standing, tells us the four power couples left in the house are:
Chris and Blakely
Kalon and Lindzi
Rachel and Michael
Ed and Jaclyn (who drunkenly tells Ed he’s a winner, not a loser and that Reid is a Dummy McStupid and also thinks she will find love with Ed)
I am disappointed they’re being referred to as ‘power couples’ because I actually disagree that the strength of some of these decision-makers is even half of what it was in the heyday of David Good or Michelle Money.
Jamie is so dense she is thought bubbling about having no partner or anyone on her side and how sad it is, while David is literally telling her he has her back and is on her side. She did the same thing when her original parter Ryan was so loyal and even managed to source sushi for a private picnic date on her 26th birthday, but still Jamie (self-admittedly) has to go for the chase. But in this context chase = felony stalking.
Chris Harrison interrupts the after party with some questionnaires on clipboards. I have hopes for this (nastiness! verbal barbs! cruelty!) but the hopes are dashed pretty quickly.
Bachelor Pad Game Show Mash-Up
Round 1 is Love and Romance Trivia and it’s a painfully boring and non-controversial collection of questions as stupid as identifying the location for an airport and trying to remember what Bachelor cast member was on which season. The turd my 1 year-old left in the bathtub this evening could have written more interesting trivia questions.
Round 2 is Who Said That? and finally I think this is going to get good. I vaguely remember from the past two seasons that at least three people will have their psyches murdered (is that a thing?) and four other people will become mortal enemies.
Well, it’s not so. I don’t know why Chris Harrison and his posse wussed out (in all seriousness, maybe incentivizing suicide on national tv was keeping him up at night), but the questions are a bunch of true softballs. Save one. For some reason – I have no idea what it is – the producers decide to allow just one soul-crushing zinger through and that’s a dig at how Blakeley has accomplished nothing in her life. Now, here’s the thing: Blakeley may be aggressive and use her natural and purchased physical talents to her seedy advantage in life, but I have no idea why that makes her fair game for a comment as insulting, unfounded and mean-spirited as how little she has accomplished in life. The show is classist that way- bizarrely, I know. But still. Blakeley switched from cocktail waitressing to waxing because she wants to improve her lot and being snobby about that is elitist. I hope Captain Protein Powder doesn’t need his chest and nether regions manscaped anytime soon. Oh wait, he will. Jerk.
The other big drama is that Chris is excitedly cheering every time Sarah does well even though he is supposed to want Blakeley or Jamie to win. Only a loser as loserish as Chris would do something so overt to show he’s a loser. Loser.
Finally, I did laugh when it was revealed that Chris once said Ed is back on The Bachelor because “he doesn’t want to be forgotten because his season was 20 years ago.” For two reasons: (1) because obviously Chris would never do such a thing (oh but my money is we see him in 2015 on this same franchise) and (2) Ed, in good-natured fashion, protests that Michael Stagliano was also on his past season. True dat, Ed. It’s just that there is an unwritten rule that if you’re kind of tool, we’ll make fun of you for being a reality tv fame whore who keeps trying to re-live the glory years, but if you’re awesome and infinitely likable, like Michael Stagliano, we will keep welcoming you back. Them’s the breaks.
Erica would make the worst parent because she eats her hair? I don’t even get that. It’s not funny and makes no sense. Has this show plummeted so far that Erica chewing her hair is the only Erica plot-point we can manage to eke out this episode? Ugh.
Jaclyn wins the competition.
“I can seriously taste the $250,000 at this point.”
Ewwww. Do you know how unsanitary money is?!
Now it’s the guys turn. Blakeley says she’s slept with 9 guys but she “totally lied on this question.” Obvi. Sarah got it on on top of a car in a parking lot. Obvi. Jamie would like to sleep with Chris, not his current partner, because he’s so hot. Obvi (well, not the Chris is hot part).
Jamie also said Jaclyn is the most fake because she lies and manipulates constantly. 4 girls total called Jaclyn out for this one, but for some reason it raises Jaclyn’s ire only for Jamie. Blakeley said Jamie is the most annoying in the house because she’s all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason. By “every guy”, Blakeley means Chris. And the spinning thing – well, that would annoy me too.
Ed wins the rose. “Miracles do happen.”
David and Rachel each have a point against them. Hmm, I wonder which guy will go home this week. No I don’t.
Kalon soothes Jamie because “when you put a dog down, you rub its head.” Kalon needs his own spin-off show too.
Chris doesn’t like the emotionality of Jamie and Blakeley. “I feel like I’m in Junior High right now.” I wish he had actually said that quote while the producers streamed footage behind him of his highly emotional and volatile outbursts on Emily’s season.
Choose the Guy Who You Think is the Best Catch date with Jaclyn and Ed
Strategy-wise Jaclyn doesn’t want to take anyone already coupled up. And thinks Ed “is also a great catch”. I would be shocked if Ed could go for a girl like Jaclyn after once upon a time loving a girl like Jillian, but then again Ed and Jaclyn probably deserve each other more. That was not a compliment.
Dodger Stadium. Whoa, that’s cool. Quick trivia: Which season did we also see Dodger Stadium on?
They get uniforms in the daytime and all of a sudden it’s pitch black at night. Where did the time go? What are you not showing us, producers? They hit the ball around and have fun. They do seem to have genuine compatibility but I am still skeptical. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t feel warm and fuzzy when they’re around each other. I know forgiveness is divine but I am still mad Jaclyn called Shawntel “dumpster trash” on Ben F’s season. I’m just going to hang on to this grudge.
Back at the house Sarah is OUTRAGED that Ed hooked up with her one day, then Jaclyn the next, and now Jaclyn thinks she can claim him. Sarah is totally not outraged, however, that Ed hooked up with two different girls two nights in a row. Girl on girl crime is always my least favorite.
Finally, something interesting happens: Jaclyn receives a card that says, because Ed has his own rose, she has to give a rose to another guy back at the house so he can go on his own date with someone.
But before we can find out who it is, we cut back to the house where Blakeley is unloading to Rachel (who hates her, remember?) and I swear Rachel is picking her nose while Blakeley is talking. I guess because the cameras are 24/7 it’s easy to forget they’re there. But like elephants, fame whores never really forget.
All the while Chris is telling us how terrible it is to be partners with Blakeley and how she’s like “my stupid ex-girlfriend” (did I hear that wrong?): “When she goes to bed, Chris can have some funnnnn!” He says this in the third person. Yep. He goes and finds Jamie, who he also can’t stand, because something like he knows where to kiss girls that sweat him in strategic parts of the house. Meaning: I guess he gives girls what they want where no one else can see them.
Back in Dodger Stadium, while Ed and Jaclyn are trying to decide what guy to give the rose to, Ed talks about how much he trusts Chris and how he loves Chris. Figures.
Then the Kisscam compels Ed and Jaclyn to kiss and then fireworks go off. Literally, not figuratively.
Let’s talk about Jamie for the love. Jamie officially has the most bizarre self-esteem ever. She is so gorgeous. But she has no idea how annoying she is and what a turn-off she is. Worse, she has absolutely no ability to read people correctly. No matter how blatant they are. And she engages in long streams-of-consciousness out loud that actually come off as though she is having conversations with herself. Like her limited appearance on Ben’s season, seeing Jamie on camera ensures something cringe-worthy will be taking place. The latest: In the boom boom room she is trying to find out if Chris is really into her and asks him specifically like 400 times if he is. Instead of relying in part on contextual clues like most human beings, Jamie just operates by the little-practiced philosophy that if you badger someone into false acquiescence, somehow it will make it true. I will hand it to Chris (as much as it pains me to hand anything to him)- even though Jamie doesn’t hear it, he is answering honestly: “I am very attracted to you” is his answer.
Can you imagine that a guy with such bad character thought he was good enough for Emily Maynard? She must be laughing herself silly watching these episodes that she even let Chris get all the way to hometown dates. The rule on the regular Bachelor/ette from this day forward should be there is no proposal until the star first gets to see their remaining choices conduct themselves on a season of the Bachelor Pad. As Cyndi Lauper would say: I see your true colors shining through.
Jaclyn hands out her rose to Chris. I would normally be so profoundly disappointed by that decision, but in the end let history show that perhaps what happens next will be the beginning of the delicious downfall of Chris Bukowski. Chris pulls a honey badger. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t give an eff. He chooses Sarah for the date. Jamie looks perplexed. Blakeley needs a private chat. Chris won’t even promise Blakeley they are partners until the end. Then Jamie goes for her private chat and convinces herself that the only reason Chris didn’t invite her is because he doesn’t want to hurt Blakeley’s feelings and he likes Jamie too much and it would have been hurtful. She thinks Chris did it for strategy. Jamie is officially the most delusional person alive. I have no idea how she has gotten this far in life. Probably with a lot of avoidable heartache.
Are You Ready for Some Action date with Chris and Sarah
Remember how into Ed Sarah was? She has been sweating him from Day One. She did it with him. She panicked when she let Reid convince her to vote Ed off. She went on a tirade about how she was going to battle it out with Jaclyn for Ed’s
love jiggly bits. But now one minute into a car ride on a date with Chris and all of a sudden Sarah is into Chris big time. She has instantaneously decided that she is no longer in love with Ed, even though she was talking about that incessantly for days. These people are all terrible whores.
They are going to film an action movie. Dumb, boring and stupid and I start washing dishes.
They are all over each other and love kissing. But Chris has no rose to give her. Instead, Chris Harrison comes to the house and tells Ed he still gets to give out the rose he got for winning the game show challenge. I am loving this little bonus this week of a slightly different order to things.
Chris gives Sarah at dinner a stupid speech trying to reassure her that she will be safe, even though he has no rose to give out. You can tell Chris has been dying for the past year to get to be the one to give a rose speech and now that he has his moment, he has no actual rose. But for this horndog couple, a strawberry on a fork will suffice.
Back at the house Ed gives the rose to Rachel. I think maybe it’s because Rachel had a point against her and she is part of The Alliance. It’s the least controversial thing to happen all episode so it’s nice.
Blakeley and Jamie continue their battle royale over Chris (started when they went on that dumb prom date with David) while they do not, of course, realize that all the while Chris and Sarah are humping in a hot tub somewhere so it’s the most superfluous convo ever. I think they will both feel like a-holes watching this season back.
Chris goes rogue and gets a hotel room with Sarah. The camera crew follows them down the hotel hallways so I can’t tell if this was a producer-sanctioned move or not.
Chris and Sarah walk of shame back in to the mansion in the morning in their same clothes. Sarah has a full face of new make-up though so I mean, come on producers. At least let her truly skank out. Oh, here are some questions I have:
- What if one of them wore contacts? What would happen in a spontaneous overnight in a hotel?
- How did Chris know to pack condoms?
- Didn’t it gross them out not to have toothbrushes?
- Were they allowed to watch hotel tv? In the mansion, you have to forego all outside media.
David is most on the chopping block because he is the only one with a vote against him (because Rachel got the rose). He asks Jaclyn who else she would be willing to vote off besides him and she says Nick so David tries to work the room into voting for Nick. I wish he had a chance of success because Nick is so painfully boring and David is so likable and I would rather see more of him than Captain Protein Powder.
G bless Michael Stagliano. He walks right up to Chris, who is trying to orchestrate some last-minute switch for the guys to vote Blakeley off even though she is in their Alliance and not the obvious choice of Jamie, and says “Bro, sorry I’m not voting for Blakeley.” I like Michael’s recapping btw because he really is like the sage of the house and I think he does provide a breath of fresh air on his assessments.
Kalon is being mysterious as to whether he is voting for Blakeley or Jamie. Kalon says the only person he would never lie to is Lindzi. Kalon is making Chris and Ed sweat. No one knows who to believe. Kalon is fun to watch in this game. He is reminding me a little of Richard Hatch winning the first season of Survivor. In the end, what we all really want to see is someone who masterfully plays the game- deceit and all.
The producers try to make it all suspenseful, but David and Jamie get the boot.
The only awesomeness is that Chris’s “two best friends in the house lied to [me]”. Best friends and Bachelor Pad are mutually exclusive. Jamie is crazy and needs to go home. And go straight to her therapist’s office.
I am sorry to see David go. It would have been interesting to have a fan in it for longer. Producers screwed that up from the beginning by not matching the numbers on alumni vs. fans. Good night, sweet David. “Leaving the house is the saddest thing I’ll ever do.” “This may have been the greatest four weeks of my life.” Oh David.
Sad Jamie: “Just reminds me you can really trust no one.” Um, no, you just can’t trust the terrible guys you insist on choosing. Ryan and David both sweated you and you barely gave them the time of day.
Random thought: do you think people who go to school for music get psyched when they get the job to write the dramatic scores for the Bachelor?
Kalon and Lindzi and Michael and Rachel are falling in love. And someone makes “Bachelor Pad History.” Whatever that is.
Wait, my DVR cut off. I WANT MORE OF MICHAEL’S RAP.
So I’ll be away next week again and I may even forget to blog. But keep your comments coming anyway. No matter what, I always watch. This show is my priority right after keeping my kids alive and eating at least one bag of popcorn a day.