Tag Archives: emily

bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens

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Won.

I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.

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Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?

CAILA

I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?

LAUREN

Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 5: morning breath, day breath and Teen Mom

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It’s all fun and games until your entire family is brutally murdered in Haiti AND you win a cooking competition but still get dumped by The Bachelor.

I am very relieved ABC’s update on the Iowa caucuses barely interrupted my regularly-scheduled Bachelor viewing. No one cares about the dumb election.

VIVA LA MEXICO! Supposedly.

Emily: “Now that my sister’s not here, I feel like I have nothing holding me back.” I feel like that came out wrong?

The girls say they have never seen anything like this hotel suite. (Except the dope one you had in Vegas and that mansion in LA….)

Olivia is wearing a cross necklace in the opening scene so maybe she is finally getting it? Becca’s going to start bringing the Bible on group dates just to compete.

Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket date with Amanda

(What are the statistical odds that no one has ever read a date card that had their own name on it?)

Ooh Ben H comes in at 4:20am to wake up Amanda for the date. FOUR TWENTY, HOMES!! Hahaha did I seem like a cool drug user just then?

I love these times when the girls all have stank breath and retainers. Do you think the room smells like farts? When Ben said, “Whose weave is this?” I thought he said “weed.” Also, I tried to google the difference between a weave and an extension, because I am hoping the words aren’t racist, but I don’t feel more educated.

I call bullshit. Amanda woke up in FULL MAKE-UP. Her producer was nice and tipped her off to be ready. Because a professional esthetician would never, ever, ever go to bed with a full face of make-up.

Ben and Amanda go on a hot air balloon. And of course, because it’s Mexico City, the sky is full on smog. The look not that into it but try for the cameras. Then they picnic somewhere. And Ben says cheers to the fact that they will be “talking life” later. So then they go talk life at a hotel and Amanda gets real about her ex-husband, the father of her daughters, and his double life with a second cell phone and exes and online dating. The fact that women who look like Amanda get cheated on (or Eva Longoria, let’s be honest) proves what I learned about Why Men Cheat 20 years ago by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. Spoiler Alert: it’s not because they let themselves go. Date rose to single mom Amanda with the Joey Lauren Adams voice. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 4: dim city

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Except when I do.

How was the Democratic debate? Wouldn’t know.

Week 4! Chris Harrison enters the Mansion and shares with the ladies that they’re headed to Las Vegas to meet Ben, and that’s where they will find the first date card. The twins speak at the same time about how they were born and raised there. A bunch of people shout “Viva Las Vegas!” Odds they know what ‘viva’ means?

Cut to the women walk through the lobby of The Aria resort and casino and 90% of them are in jeans and a white shirt. Not sure why, but yeah.

You Set My Heart On Fire date with JoJo

(FYI- Olivia: “Ben is my piece. I’m zen with Ben.”)

JoJo’s hair on fleek! Her nail polish shade on fleek! Ben H mentions having a glass of champagne and JoJo says “I looooooove that” spookily just like Saturday Night Live’s Bachelor spoof this past weekend.

Ben and JoJo wait for a helicopter and kiss in the helicopter gusts while all the other women watch from above. Then they take a helicopter ride and then – are you ready for it – they just end up in a nondescript hotel room. Frickin helicopter ride in Vegas and your ultimate destination is the same as an upscale Marriott in Cleveland.

JoJo shares she ended her 1 1/2 year relationship 5 months ago. She is vague about whether she was cheated on or whether she was dating a married man, but either way it made her insecure because that person wasn’t “giving his all”. Wait, this was the big past bombshell she was nervous about? Their whole conversation is way edited and I have no idea what’s actually going on between them, but JoJo gets a rose. Now likely something will happen outside on the roof involving either fireworks or a private concert. Oh, fireworks. Short, cliche, non-informative edited date concludes.

Show Me What You Got group date with Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia- maybe someone else?

Olivia refers to herself in the third person as The Frontrunner.

The women enter the Terry Fator theater. Caila just said she grew up watching Terry Fator on tv. For real??? Whomever Terry Fator is tells all the women that basically they have to be in a talent competition audition, opening that night in front of 1200 for Terry Fator’s show. The twins are psyched because their mom made them study dance when they were younger. So they do an Irish River Dance. Jubilee plays the cello. JUBILEE PLAYS THE CELLO. Continue reading

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bachelorette emily finale and ATFR recap: closure for everyone

Officially the worst proposal set ever in the history of proposals.

Like Arie and his bubble envelope-encased journal, I need closure. That’s why – even at 4 days overdue – I am posting this final recap. I’m not a quitter. Well, yes I am. I quit many things. But not this blog, dammit. Anyway, we arrived back from St Lucia this morning. If I can mention again that it was paradise, I will. There is nothing like watching two episodes of the Bachelorette and one episode of Bachelor Pad with a yacht-filled Caribbean Sea and palm trees as background. It takes the sting out of the darker side of this franchise. Which, while we’re on the subject, I would like to mention:

  1. Chris Harrison looking straight into the teleprompter and dispassionately stating that their hearts go out to the victims of the Aurora, Colorado movie theater shooting massacre and a vague admonition that we need to all do what we can (?) followed by exclaiming “BACK TO THE MOST ANTICIPATED TELEVISION EVENT OF THE SUMMER!” first gave me vertigo and then made me very, very, very ashamed to contribute in any way to the financial success of this program. I needed a shower, to be quite honest.
  2. What in Hell (yep, I capitalized it. It was that bad.) was with the proposal set? You’re shooting on location in Curacao and the past 90 years of this show we have been treated to tropical blue water-backed proposal scenes but this time you decide to switch it up and build a proposal stage bedecked with ugly potted plants in front of Shantytown? No seriously, did you see the janky houses behind the proposal stage? I kept waiting for a strung-out drug addict or streetwalker to emerge. I was shocked Hipster King of Confidence didn’t grab Emily by one arm and high-tail her to a more fitting proposal locale. That whole scene almost ruined it for me.

But on to the good stuff! Chris Harrison baits us at the outset with promises of “dramatic television”, “surprising and emotional finale” and “shocking secrets.” I can’t wait.

Emily’s family

Mom, Dad, brother Ernie (my sympathies) and his fiance (blonde- shockingly) are there waiting for Jef. I totally love Jef. I would have crushed on him through 13 years of public school and passed notes to my friends about him, but I don’t think his outfit conveys the right message to the parents. He is wearing a white tee and white sneaks and it’s a little juvenile for the occasion. But no matter, Jef’s a success.

Mom Suzy (who is aging very well) approves and eventually Bro Ernie does too. At first, distracting poker face with that way he talks only out of the bottom left side of his mouth doesn’t give anything away. We’re worried no one will live up to the ghost of Ricky (wow, he had the whole family smitten, huh?) but then even Ernie caves. Emily and Jef celebrate by doing lots of necking.

Later that day or the next day or in a parallel universe, it’s Arie’s turn. I’m grateful that Emily is now wearing a more island-appropriate ensemble- more maxi dress and tropical print. Emily tells Arie “I missed you” and says she is so excited to introduce him because she’s so crazy about him.

I know this is discussed every season, but it’s always a little crazy to think that even at the very end it could be plausible someone is so into two people. The only reason I think it is possible is because the situations are so removed from reality and the final people are so removed from reality that it must really trick out your head and heart. I imagine it’s like if you paid all my bills, babysat my kids, redesigned my body and then poured a really high-end Shiraz down my throat. And then you said: do you want crème brûlée or german chocolate cake for dessert? And I would be like: Both. I want both. I really, really, really want both.

So Arie, ever the gentleman charmer, brings a box of all the roses Emily has given him as a gift for her parents. It’s definitely unique and thoughtful and frankly, bold. But I guess if she doesn’t choose him, he wouldn’t want the roses anyway. Ernie, however, is not so taken with the roses. He flat out accuses Arie of being smooth and practiced with the ladies. I am not sure that’s a fair insult. It’s not like a guy is going to make it this far with a girl like Emily Maynard being all nervous and dorky and insecure. Frankenernie, don’t be so angry you can only talk out of 25% of your mouth. Continue reading

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bachelorette emily episode MTA recap: baggage claim for me too, kalon

So, I’m sending this post from St. Lucia. I know, it’s a hard life. Well, it is hard sometimes, isn’t it? Race car drivers die untimely deaths, reality tv show hosts divorce, lots of people get veneers and some people just have their girl radar permanently broken.

I always like these studio recap/chat episodes – along with the Bachelor Pad – because we get to see a less edited version of these people. And less edited, Emily still presents very well. I have no idea how she still manages to come across bright, quick, kind, witty, classy, caring and strong-willed AND freakishly beautiful, but she does. This franchise will be worse when she is finally off its roster of rotating has-beens.

Anyway. Sit down time with Chris Harrison! After some “never before seen footage” which involves some fairly charming bleeped-out cussing (I’m Southern, too) from Emily, Chris sets us up for the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad. Is anyone else not surprised it looks AH-Mazing?! I could not be more excited. In fact, I think it’s fairly obvious to everyone – ABC included – that this vehicle should be the real meal ticket in the family. Besides the conniving and physical challenges, LOTS of couples are formed on the show. For fairy tales, Bachelor Pad is where it’s at. If fairy tales involved hot tubs, condoms and/or the withdrawal method. But anyway, let’s mention a few things:

  • Looks like there is an altercation between the Chi-town boyz, Ed and Chris
  • I am actually SUPER happy there is a spelling bee. That’s not weird, right?
  • Chris sheds his aw-shucks-I’m-a-good-guy persona, and apparently gets with stripper Blakely, lap dancing Jamie and a third girl before it all ends
  • Stagliano and Rachel with the Bangs get together??!! Wow. Ok.
  • Lindzi and Kalon? That’s just weird.
  • Boy drama. I.cannot.wait.

Chris Harrison welcomes the men from Emily’s season along with the obligatory clapping popularity contest when each name is called. A lot of people get very few claps or boos. But then it’s Sean’s turn. Swoon. I forgot how freaking cute he is.

Kalon in the Hot Seat: I love when people accuse him of being there for the “glitz and glamor”. It’s so glitzy when they’re all in the house farting and waxing their chests.

Ryan in the Hot Seat: I have a new take on Ryan. He is hilarious and so entertaining to watch. I love him. He is so unapologetic and borderline-clueless, that it makes him charming. No wonder even Emily got briefly roped in. Ryan still to this day is reaffirming his appreciation of who God blessed him to be. He also journals, hates being a bachelor in Augusta, Georgia and may or may not one day lead the largest megachurch in the South.

Chris in the Hot Seat: Young, emotional, was in love blah blah blah. Don’t care because we know he whores it out on Bachelor Pad starting in one week.

Sean in the Hot Seat: I am reminded Emily was sobbing after she sent Sean home. Duh. Sean is still so stand up and so gracious and so perfect.

Emily: Says all the right things and is classy enough to throw Sean a really nice compliment and also to admit she should have given Doug a rose the night he told her Kalon was calling Ricki baggage. Doug seems like a nicer, more normal guy now and I’m relieved. Also, apparently Emily follows Kalon on Twitter. But don’t worry, he doesn’t take social media seriously. Sorry for not being sorry, 99%.

Proof that Emily picks no one next week

  • At the end of the interview with Emily, Chris Harrison says: “Normally I would ask how things are going, but I’m not going to… watch this Sunday.”
  • The finale is on a Sunday with Bachelor Pad premiering on Monday. ABC wants viewers in their coveted spot to watch something good, instead of something that is an anticlimactic let-down.
  • Previews where Chris Harrison says “Will Emily choose Arie or Jef or will her dreams come crashing down?”
  • The scene where Emily is crying and saying, “I don’t know how to start the conversations” (emphasis on the plural) and Chris Harrison responding that she probably feels like she’s betraying both of them.
  • For the first time ever, the ATFR show is live. Hmmm.

It wouldn’t be a surprise at all if she pulls a Brad I since she has a kid and fly-by-night proposals are not usually the best idea where offspring are concerned. But still, I am bummed because Jef and Arie are both likable and intriguing in their own ways. Since they’re best friends anyway, maybe we can have a spin-off bromance show to add to the grown franchise family.

Even though it doesn’t matter, let’s consider the recap previews of the two remaining men for next week

Arie’s is first and just shows a lot of kissing. Arie says “Emily is the love of my life” which makes me wonder what was going on before that arm tattoo he got.

Jef, who is “literally too cool” for Emily apparently makes her laugh, brings her out of her shell and gets her like no one else does. And on the Prague date, she fell hard for him.. That awesome All Saints dress sitting on the lookout in Utah and the look on her face when Jef is reading her his love letter makes me wish it was him for the win so bad.

Jef: I feel like we’ll have a love that makes the story books jealous.

I guess that makes me a story book.

Peace out peeps. I look forward to watching the finale in St Lucia. Maybe I’ll watch the entire Bachelor Pad season from a yacht docked near St Tropez. Maybe the next season of The Bachelorette will star a married mom of two kids. Dream big, you guys.

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bachelorette emily episode 9 recap: starting to be curacao how this will end up

Um

The beginning voiceover recap as Emily boats into Curacao is annoying and boring BUT her royal blue maxi dress is the bomb and of course the island is major eye candy. After rain-drenched castles and too many sparkly dresses, both are a welcome sight for me.

I think the order of the recaps and dates is always important and this one from Emily goes: Sean, Jef “and then there’s Arie.”

Emily has WAY too much eye make-up for a Caribbean island. That’s always a pet peeve of mine.

Emily is busy writing in the sand: “Emily + ?” and then a strategically-placed wave by the production team comes and wipes the question mark away. I don’t know what this means actually. Does it mean she ends up alone? It could be foreshadowing for next week’s previews.

Sean

NO HE IS NOT WEARING A VERY-DEEP V ROYAL BLUE TEE WITH ROYAL BLUE ESPADRILLES. And pink shorts. It makes me want to die. I already know he’s a goner because he gets the first overnight date and the person with the first overnight date always gets cut- but just in case this outfit nails the coffin shut.

Emily, on the other hand, is wearing a cool blue/white sort of but not really tie-dye shirt with an open back. I really like it.

They go to their own private island on a helicopter. Helicopter! She had this date with Brad, right? Their beach convo is so boring and awful. Sean squints in the sun a lot as usual. They talk about Sean and his ex’s relationship of three years. She wasn’t the one. They’re buddies. Emily seems really concerned about whether Sean can man up and say I Love You or not. She he says:

I’m crazy about you… um, I forgot what I was going to say. I saw some snorkel stuff in a bag.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of undeniable heat on the date so it’s all kind of a foregone conclusion but they have dinner on the beach that they don’t eat later anyway. Emily has a cool deep-cut patterned beach dress and Sean is wearing yet another boring v-neck – this time white. He is being so sweet and talking about how his dad is the best role model and then he reads this perfect letter to Ricki about how he will always love her and she will be his daughter and her mom makes him so happy. It’s actually a very beautiful sentiment to go along with Sean’s perfect handwriting. Emily, on the other hand, is not acting like he’s The One. Her eyes and pursed lips betray her. If the love of your life just read that letter, you might become a puddle of tears. She says something curious then, like: “Ricki will always treasure this letter.” Um, no, not true at all. Can you imagine keeping a letter forever written from a strange man you never meet about how he loves you?

Because the girls on this show never seem to know how to honestly reject a man (aka: “You’re just not the one”), Emily as usual just continues to say Sean is the “perfect man”. Death knell. Sean: “I have fallen in love with you.” Not to be nitpicky to a man about to get his heart crushed, but I feel like it wasn’t that courageous to say it in the past tense.

They kiss and OH MY GOSH REWIND AND WATCH SEAN’S LEFT ARM DURING THE KISS. I am laughing so hard out loud.

Emily gives Sean the fantasy suite card and he sort of plays the good Christian Southern boy and says he would be happy for the opportunity to stay up and “talk”. They talk go in the hot tub and then soon after she boots him out because staying over is not in line with the values she wants to set for her daughter. Later with the other men I realize this whole routine of hers is very staged (I know, so crazy for something to be staged on this show). She wants to be all coy and invite the men for a night and then she wants to be able to deliver the speech later about they have to go because she needs to be a role model to her daughter. I commend the sentiment but then why invite the guys in the first place? It feels like a trap or test, or worse a dramatic way that Emily can show off she is so virtuous. Whatever it is, I don’t love it. Continue reading

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bachelorette emily episode 8 recap: will kensington share her play house with ricki?

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Oh holy, the previews make this look better than your run-of-the-mill hometown dates.

A limo brings Emily home from cold, rainy, boring Europe in the dark. She has a reunion with Ricki. I honestly cry for a second. More than a few. Thank goodness for Emily as Bachelorette because it’s really nice seeing a parent on this show. No time for bullshit. Or less time at least.

Emily then recaps the four remaining guys. I always think order on this show is important. So her recap is: Chris (I forget what she says), Jef (unique, adventure), Arie (fun and excitement, so attracted to him, bad boy edge, first kiss was perfect, guys like Arie are really hard to find, would adore me forever) and Sean (makes me feel safe, life would be great).

I like how after tucking Ricki into bed, Emily is checking the windows and locking the door. THERE IS STILL A DANGEROUS CAMERA CREW IN YOUR HOUSE!

Chicago hometown date with Chris

When they greet they’re not very handsy so I don’t know. I feel like Chris is always very nervous and awkward which I guess is nice because it’s very real. But geez, he’s a nervous nelly. Chris is real Chicago because his family is Polish and he is first generation American. I kind of hope they will eat some kielbasa and pierogi or something, but maybe that’s just because now it’s what I’m hungry for now. Chris gives the lowdown on his close-knit family and reveals he’s a momma’s boy. Also, what’s the point of going to a Polish restaurant if you’re just ordering beers. Kielbasa now, damnit!

Off to Hanover Park. The family squeals and Emily stays more calm and sticks her hand out to shake. Hmm. I feel bad the family got one of those ugly flower arrangements for the dining room table that people think work on camera. Dad has a chat alone with Emily. She wants to know if Chris is ready to inherit a 6 year-old. I feel like Dad really doesn’t answer. Mom tells Chris to get out there and kick ass and fight for Emily. Chris says he has the best mom in the whole world. Cue my waterworks, again! Big Sis Renee asks Emily not to drag it out if Chris isn’t the one. It’s so nice of her to be so protective, but clearly she doesn’t know how ABC production works.

Chris holds Emily in front of the exit vehicle and tells Emily he is in love with her. The way she kisses him and looks at him and uses her hand, I think she may reciprocate. Emily is beguiling that way. Sometimes you can tell how she feels, sometimes you can’t. But why use your hands during the kiss if you’re going to boot the guy? I digress. Chris surprises Emily with a party full of loved ones and Polish music and dancing. That’s cute. I was thinking before the whole date was a little boring. So way to step it up, Chris.

St. George, Utah hometown date with Jef

If I didn’t already have a big enough crush on Jef, he takes Emily to his family’s property, Holmstead Ranch, by National Forest in St. George. I have actually been to St. George for a wedding, and it does really look this ridiculous. Oh crap, I want to marry Jef now. The cute couple gets into some dune buggy Jeep thing. Then they stop go clay pigeon shooting. Jef is a “little bit country” which is good for Emily and her West Va hood rat thing. Emily is coy about using the gun but then nails the clay pigeons each and every time. I am sure nothing was edited. The two of them get so hot for each other while each handling a gun. I feel like a voyeur in a weird fetish room but the whole thing is cute anyway.

Re the parents: “They’re in South Carolina doing charity work.” Jef is not fooling anyone. They are converting a bunch of people to LDS. Emily is nervous because Jef broke up with an ex when his parents didn’t like her. And Ricki is proof Emily has had premarital sex. Sigh. Continue reading

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