bachelor pad 3 episode 4 recap: it might be a bad sign that i forgot to recap episodes 2 and 3

So artsy the way it looks like she’s slapping Jaclyn upside the head.

Well, to be more specific, I gave up on recapping the past two episodes. I watched. Of course I watched. I never don’t watch. I even took notes. Copious notes. But the Olympic Games had my attention and time and that was that.

I know this is old news, but the twins need their own reality spin-off show. It might be like nails on a chalkboard, but come on! Their dynamic with one another is amazing. “You called me a slut four times.” Also I figured out the way to tell them apart is that one does that weird thing where she over-plucks her eyebrows so each one just looks like half an eyebrow.

Beyond that, let’s just quickly highlight the Best Of episodes 2 and 3 in Tweets and hashtags:

• During the rhythmic gymnastics competition, Nick called his participation “the most absurd thing he has ever done in his life.” #ironic
• It’s embarrassing that Ashley and JP and a former Olympic gymnast judged the competition. #moneywasgood?
• I think the Kalon/Lindzi pairing has the potential to actually be a nice thing, but how will he ever explain himself out of his comment: “The girls look terrible. Shopping and gymnastics: what else do you have to do in your life?” #youdontmeanthat
• The way Donna was eating a banana. #thatsall
• I like Stagliano but it’s weird he frenched it out on that one group date with Donna to “fulfill her fantasy”. #stayclassybacheloryoda
• There’s much that can be written about how krazykakes Chris is every episode, but I definitely have to mention during that derby car date with Blakeley et al, he did in fact say “if David gets the rose, someone’s gonna die.” #luckilydaviddidnotgettherose
• I know people hate on the fact that Jamie sometimes wears fingerless gloves, but I don’t really mind quirky. It’s her horrifyingly low self-esteem, astounding delusion and constant wearing of fake eyelashes that gets me going. #justsayin
• You know that Hot Sludge Funday challenge from last week? #ijustwantedtotypehotsludgefunday
• We never get any sense of who Nick is but notable things from last week include the fact that Tony referred to him as “Captain Protein Powder” and, even better, when Donna was moping around at the cocktail party, freaking that her minutes left in the douse were numbered, Nick quickly dove in for an emergency make-out sesh. #quickthinking
• After Reid’s scheming last week, a very offended Jaclyn made a big toast with everyone saying “everyone needs to be more honest in how they play the game.” #whatthehellareyoutalkingabout

Starting Monday morning, I was feeling a tremendous emptiness about the Olympics being over. Mike Fleiss threw salt in my wound when the voiceover at the outset of the episode said: “Now that the summer games are over, let the games continue on the Bachelor Pad. Seriously?

After “last night’s” elimination, David, the last (and most likable) fan standing, tells us the four power couples left in the house are:

Chris and Blakely
Kalon and Lindzi
Rachel and Michael
Ed and Jaclyn (who drunkenly tells Ed he’s a winner, not a loser and that Reid is a Dummy McStupid and also thinks she will find love with Ed)

I am disappointed they’re being referred to as ‘power couples’ because I actually disagree that the strength of some of these decision-makers is even half of what it was in the heyday of David Good or Michelle Money.

Jamie is so dense she is thought bubbling about having no partner or anyone on her side and how sad it is, while David is literally telling her he has her back and is on her side. She did the same thing when her original parter Ryan was so loyal and even managed to source sushi for a private picnic date on her 26th birthday, but still Jamie (self-admittedly) has to go for the chase. But in this context chase = felony stalking.

bachelor pad 3 episode 1 recap: i’m only watching because stagliano is there

Chris Harrison, this is really your job.

So I’m a hypocrite. I generally can’t stand these career reality vets like Beth on Real World and now Erica Rose on Bachelor Pad. And yet – like much of America – I totally dig every single thing about Michael Stagliano (even the way he gets too obsessed with girls too fast) and so he is hopefully going to redeem this turd of a season for me. I hope I’m wrong, but so far I care so little about any particular outcome (money, hook-ups, etc) that I was leaving the screen for lengthy periods of time to do household chores. And I hate chores. But I guess that’s how bored I was.

Chris Harrison tells us from the water-soaked driveway of the Mansion that this year’s contestants vying for $250K are some of “the most memorable and controversial people of seasons past”. I so beg to differ (Tony, really? Nate, who? Sarah, seriously? Ryan? Don’t care). But then the producerz switch it up and throw 6/7 “super fans” into the mix. I am actually grateful for the new blood.

The turd burglars in order of limo appearance:

Chris Bukowski: So in love with Emily Maynard 5 minutes ago that he is grateful to be in the mansion, which is part of history, to have his heart mended with multiple sexcapades.

Lindzi Cox: I can’t help it, I love me some Lindzi. She has that fab huskyish voice and despite her waaaay too much eye make-up, she is so adorbs. She is hilar when she reminds us that “I’m the girl that lost to Courtney.” That would definitely make anyone feel like a huge loser. It’s like losing to a stinking pile of horse poo dressed in a tarantula costume. What I loved about Lindzi always during Ben’s season was she was one of the only girls that stayed above the fray. It’s always cool to see the few hold-outs who never trash anyone, stay well-liked and go far. I am nervous she lets this part of her character go though since she makes it pretty clear at the outset she HATES Blakeley. Also, she crushes on Kalon. I would think it’s crazy but they are both pure breeds, so you know how that goes.

Ed Swiderski: So I mean, I like Ed in theory. He’s cute, ridiculous and doesn’t give many f*cks. But I can’t forgive him for duping Jillian and personifying the great failure of the Bachelor(ette) franchise. First of all, he makes a point to say how blondes are his type and his thing. Then he mentions he was nowhere near ready to get married when he proposed to Jillian. Infidelity, blah blah blah, whatever. It pisses me off more that he allowed an ending that season knowing it wasn’t with good intentions when someone could have made it far who was. And worse, Jillian is just a cool, likable chick. And she’s still defending him! Anyway, I will try to get on board with Ed since I like his pink jacket Night 1. Such a charicature.

Nick Peterson: Was boring on Ashley’s season so I expect him to be boring now. No idea how he made the cut (lots of other people said No).

Rachel “bangs” Trueheart: I have always been so smitten with Rachel’s bangs that I want to be behind her 100%. But I am already disappointed. Turns out, she’s kind of a mean girl (eg Blakeley). Which is doubly sucky since it appears Michael Stagliano is going to set his head-over-heels honing device squarely on Rachel. And Michael seems like he needs to love on a nice girl. Even if Holly Durst broke his heart for Blake, she was at least the kind of girl who was well-liked and never shit-talked. I just don’t want Michael to slum it now.

Sarah Newlon: I have no idea why or how this chick got on. She reminds us that she was the girl who couldn’t tell Brad Womack from his twin, and that pretty much tells me everything I need to know. She also spends a lot of time being angry with people she doesn’t know and is part of the small crew of people horribly offended that any super fans are on the show. (More on that later.)

Ryan Hoag: Apparently his claim to fame is that he’s a virgin. I have no idea why people admit that on this show. It does not make you desirable, it freaks people out. No one wants that pressure, ok? I am grateful he adds a miniscule shred of diversity to the cast.

Reid Rosenthal: I had sort of forgotten about Reid but his Philly accent and calm and good-guy demeanor are a welcome sight/sound for me. I don’t remember his ninja-style surprise proposal during Jillian’s season (that happened?) and I am bummed for him his teammate Paige goes home Night 1, but I am looking forward to him trying to make Ed’s life hell. It’s always refreshing when there is more dude drama than chick shit.

Jaclyn Swartz: Jaclyn wants to bait me. She wants to be a divisive, polarizing figure and she is trading on her “love me or hate me I don’t care” routine. For that reason alone, I am not going to give in. I’m not going to trash talk her because it’s what she wants. Don’t let the hyena trick you! So here are just the facts: Jaclyn was the girl who called Shawntel dumpster trash on Ben’s season. Jaclyn pretends to be friends with Blakeley and Rachel but hates both of them. Jaclyn has nothing nice to say about anyone and gets wasted Night 1 and teams up with an equally-trashed Ed. Jaclyn is very impressed she has a college degree and says it’s why her career will go farther than Blakeley’s waxing career. No one has informed Jaclyn that a high school degree is as valuable as expired jarred spaghetti sauce. Which, to be fair, is possibly more valuable because if you scrape off the fuzz at the top and heat the remaining sauce up, no one is the wiser. I have never done that though.