The episode unfolds with someone yammering on about “the most shocking exit in Bachelor Pad history.” I am still so annoyed when this show is referred to in a historical context. I am about to put all bad feelings aside and then Kasey’s voice comes through. My mother-in-law and I both cringe. Will someone please finally unravel the mystery of why he speaks the way he does?
Target on Your Back competition
It wouldn’t be a summer season of Bachelor Pad unless there was at least one competition where the contestants have an opportunity to degrade, humiliate and destroy the self-esteem of fellow housemates. This is the day. The barely-clad men and women line up separately with targets painted on their backs and get the privilege of experiencing a true double whammy of degradation: physical pain from being shot with a paint ball and the physical pain being overshadowed by the emotional pain of knowing someone is stabbing you in the back with said paint ball because they hate you.
Who are you least attracted to?
Who least deserves the money?
Who do you want to go home this week?
Who is the dumbest?
The competition leaves me with some fairly significant questions.
- How can Michael Stagliano be the least attractive male? He is hot and awesome and the best man ever to grace this franchise (tie with Cape Cod Chris).
- Why do all the girls want Jake to go home? Why are people buying into the Vienna propaganda? On Jake’s season of The Bachelor, Vienna was universally hated and vilified by the other girls- especially Ali, who went on as a fan favorite to be in The Bachelorette. By the transitive property, this means to me that women strongly dislike Vienna (ditto) and yet all the girls in this house are under her spell. So what am I missing?
- If the way to win this competition is just to hit the most bullseyes, then that means it doesn’t matter who you hit, it just matters that you hit a target. If that is the case then after Princess Erica has been repeatedly humiliated as the “least attractive woman in the house”, why couldn’t the last few guys just hurl paint balls at someone else and put her out of her misery?
Two stand out moments: First, when Kasey brags that he played baseball his whole life but then misses the target. Second, Erica’s way of dealing with seriously compromised self-worth over her looks is to express total shock since “Ella is less attractive” than her. Way to keep it classy, Princess.
And in what is now a recurring theme on the show, Jake’s failures make Vienna and Kasey super horny. Which isn’t incredibly disturbing at all. When Jake lost the bulls eye competition, Kasey said it made him want to go with Vienna to the “boom boom room.” There are no words.
Are You Afraid of the Dark date with Michael Stagliano, Erica, Michelle and Holly
Mike is, yes, the best person ever and further proof is that he has a moral crisis over how he won the rose, because it meant some people got feelings hurt. Oh well, on to the Worst Date Ever planned by the producers of the show. A horror tour through the dark and abandoned ghost-ridden Linda Vista Hospital.
Nothing really important happens on this date except the most tear-jerking thing I have ever seen on this show: Michael gives the rose to Holly and then they cry and he explains that he is still in love with her and she is the person he always wants to hang out with and wants her to be happy and a lot of other adorable things that any woman alive would love a man to say to them. He is totally vulnerable and honest and in touch with his emotions and incredibly genuine, and I can’t believe he keeps doing reality tv. Run for your life, buddy!
Chart a Course for Romance date with Melissa, Kirk, Kasey and Blake
This date where Melissa feels “so lucky to have the three hottest guys” there and where Kasey decrees it a “yacht of fun” before he doesn’t get the rose and starts to rage, is actually incredibly difficult to watch. Among the many additional questions I have about the episode is how Melissa can be so delusional. She was an absolute tragedy to watch on the latest Brad season and then decides it would be good to bring her crazy back to Bachelor Pad to completely NOT achieve her intended goal of “having everyone see that I am not that crazy girl, but am fun and awesome.” She has to be the least self-aware person to ever pass through the doors of the mansion, and there is some stiff competition where that is concerned.
I realize during this vomit-inducing group date that I am very torn on my opinion of Blake. VERY. On one hand he is a shady, self-obsessed cad who will sleep his way to the money and who clearly hid his true colors during the Ashley Hebert season. But on the other, he uses big words like “devalues” and makes astute and winning observations like “Kasey thinks he is the puppeteer…but he carries as much weight as a gust of wind”. He is a good-looking reality tv poet, and geez, a dentist to boot. I still don’t know what I think but his whoring ways get him the rose from Melissa.
Back at the mansion…
Blake’s poetic ways continue when he tries to flirt it up with Holly back at the mansion. He wants a rowboat to Holly’s island of serenity but is being thwarted by the typhoon that is Melissa. Holly, perhaps no match for Blake’s finely-finessed wit says “I need to start flossing.” Or something.
Elsewhere, Vienna is busy telling the lemmings flocking around her how awful and abusive and terrible Jake was during their relationship. The one concrete piece of evidence she puts forward is that Jake wouldn’t eat her food. Unforgivable.
Elsewhere, Jake, in his inordinate wisdom, decides it wasn’t just a great idea to give Vienna a rose last week, but now it would be a great idea to ask Vienna for help in keeping him around. Either he is so crafty I don’t see it, or the robot beneath his faux skin exterior is beginning to malfunction. Jake manages to beg so many times for Vienna’s ear, that he finally gets his moment to plea and says he wants to donate all of his potential winnings to charity. Vienna doubts his assertion very much, thank you, as she knows Jake’s company is in debt. I find the girl to be revolting but I think she has a point. Fake boobs: 1. Robot: 0.
Kirk is also confounded by the aphrodisiac that dissing Jake seems to be for Vienna and Kasey. After Vienna rejects Jake’s plea for help in keeping him around, the following horrifying conversation takes place:
I love you so much.
Thank you for being strong for me.
You’re my forever.
See this pulsing, throbbing tattoo? It’s guard and protect time.
And then presumably, they head to the Boom Boom Room.
Vienna informs Chris Harrison that is was “inappropriate” for ABC to make her and Jake confront each other on national tv and also to live in the mansion together for Bachelor Pad. This caused me to rewind the episode several times. Just when I think Vienna cannot top her own self, she does. I wonder why she thinks she is famous.
Chris Harrison offers to call her a cab. WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME, CHRIS??
A twist in the show means the men are safe this round and two women have to get voted off instead. Vienna demands that everyone band together and tell ABC they are “cheating”. Again, there are no words.
These are the other things that happen:
- Michelle Money tells Jake he just leave, which confuses me since women are supposed to be kicked off this time, not men.
- Graham sold out his friend Gia by reporting back to Kasey and Vienna her plan to split them up. Gia loses it, cries profusely and leaves. My estimation of Gia has now increased substantially (especially when she says she will not give Kasey the satisfaction of voting her off). And btw, only in this bizarre alt-universe would silicone, bleach blonde conniving Florida trash be more popular that a naturally beautiful Maxim lingerie model.
- The girls want to vote off Ella. I have no idea why.
- The boys want to vote off Jackie. Again, no idea.
- Kasey struggles with integrity versus his true integrity-less personality. He chooses the latter.
Ames is wearing red pants, which is awesome. Even more awesome is when he jumps in the limo with Jackie when she gets voted off because they are falling in love. It is the most romantic thing I have ever seen. Until 5 minutes later when I read on people.com that they broke up a few weeks later.
Actually look boring. Sigh.