This show is painfully boring without Jake, without Melissa, without Gia… I can see why the producers try so hard to manipulate things. You know things have gotten bad when the only storyline available for an entire episode is All About Blake. Blake is about as controversial as a flying squirrel.
The episode opens with everyone tired from the rose ceremony where Krazycakes Melissa left, but Chris Harrison comes in to drop the bombshell that each person needs to find a partner because now couples have to play the game and get kicked off or win together as a couple. And they have been advised to get to know each other. Cue the-
I have to pause and say how fascinating it is (did I actually use the word fascinating) that people get a second chance at the viewing audience’s impression of them when doing this show. Michelle Money, for example, was a devious and conniving and mean vixen on the Brad Womack Deux season. Now on Bachelor Pad she is nice, friends with everyone, somewhat chaste and incredulous at others’ boorish behavior. So which is the real Michelle?
Now the dumbo questions of the dumbo game:
- How many dates before making whoopie? Who goes on 22 or 32 dates before having sex? I call Michelle and Holly liars.
- What animal would you be? Blake and Ericka practiced that one. Go team.
- What do your exes miss? Vienna’s teeth- according to Kasey.
- What quality drove the ex crazy?
- If your partner could have sex with someone else in this house? Michael wants to punch Blake in his perfect dentist teeth. Can we just all accept this is the teeth season? They feature very prominently.
- Least favorite person in the house? Everyone says Blake. I wish I knew better what he did to so alienate everyone? It can’t be that he played Melissa, right? No one liked her, right? I am so confused.
- How many people has your partner had sex with?
- Worst sense of fashion in the house?
- Most likely to cheat?
- How old when partner lost virginity? GRAHAM WAS 7?! Nope, it turns out Michelle and Graham have an answering strategy. S m a r t.
- Who is most irritating person in the house?
- Who in house is their secret crush?
Graham and Michelle win. I wanted Blake and Ericka to win because I was impressed how much they knew just from legitimately studying. I also just like watching Ericka so drastically veering from having strategically sound ideas and an irreverent sense of humor to being bat shit crazy.
Make it a Movie Night with Graham & Michelle
This is a relatively boring date that we know will be boring because it starts in a helicopter. Downtown LA rooftop. Pool. Private screening of “What’s Your Number?” Michelle analyzes the movie likes it’s going to be the next Oscar contender. This is the ultimate product placement.
Michelle and Graham kiss and connect “like she has never been kissed or connected before”. I don’t buy into this couple but no one asked me, amirite.
Back at the house
Meanwhile, of course Vienna is angry that Kasey didn’t guard and protect her during the Nearlywed fiasco.
Then an incredibly disturbing thing occurs: Because Vienna wouldn’t have sex with him, Kasey ripped the promise ring off her finger. Then there is a big argument about “cuddling” and whether Vienna will come downstairs and do it. That’s what the kids are calling it these days, huh?
Your Mission is Romance date with Blake and Ericka
Ericka wants Blake to stop jonesing on Holly so that everyone in the house doesn’t hate him and want to kick him out. Ericka is right about her strategy but it’s clear from Blake’s body language that he is repelled and revolted by her. Holly prances by in her bikini before the date begins, and Ericka makes sure to pack her best lingerie.
At the Mission Inn hotel, Ericka reveals that she can commune with the dead. She also references her astrologer, Herb. She also strokes Blake’s leg. It has to be pure bad luck that Bake is yet again in a situation where his partner is unappealingly insane and also wants to get down his pants.
There are two roses on the date. The “mission” is to save one couple, not themselves.
Ericka is trying to have sex with Blake but he is having none of it. I feel like it is borderline date rape. Ericka will NOT take no for an answer. Ericka is sort of saying that if he doesn’t sleep with her, they will get eliminated. She gets rebuffed by Blake’s bad side from his Gemini twin. Or something.
Day of rose ceremony
Blake and Ericka have to pick a couple to save. They converse with everyone and after careful consideration, wait for it, PICK KASEY AND VIENNA. Which is weird. I mean, Kasey and Vienna? It’s not like they have conned everyone that they are the most powerful couple or anything. Ella is crying because she and Kirk really need the money for good. But you know what, Ella? No one is buying that shat. We all have sob stories, ok? Everyone has a murdered parent and mold disease, so SHUT IT.
Vienna and Kasey are so excited they got roses, it makes them horny. Phew. I was worried that with Jake gone they had lost all their foreplay material.
Graham said Blake violated Man Code because of Mike Stag. Oh god- Man Code is back. Please someone send me the manual. There are so many rules, I can’t keep up. Apparently there is one about dumping a girl and then waiting three months to try to get her back only after she is pursued by another man and that girl still being off-limits to anyone else.
Blake and Ericka get kicked off, despite having had the power to save another couple. They chose wrong with Kasey and Vienna. And with that, the last two remotely interesting people leave the show.
Next week is the season finale in Las Vegas.
I like how they say that at the after show next week we’re going to find out all the answers to who is together or not. As if none of us are reading US Weekly on a weekly basis. I WONDER IF AMES AND JACKIE MAKE IT.