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bachelor ben h finale: spoiler alert- everyone dies

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Right out of the gate, ABC wants us to know it’s going to be an extra special live finale show. Both families are in the studio audience waiting for After The Final Rose, as are Neil Lane and Ben Higgins’ pastor. What the?

Back to Sandals Jamaica

Lauren B and JoJo both pontificate about their love for Ben whilst wearing cutoff Daisy Dukes. Meanwhile, Ben’s head is a mess. He is not wearing cutoff jean shorts and still he says “I’m scared I’m making a mistake.”

Higgins family

Ben’s an only child! Weird. I think I am closer in age to Ben’s dad, Dave, than Ben. In unrelated news, Dave is very handsome – I’m sure we can all agree. Proof that I’m #almost40 is that I would rather get with Dave than Ben. Time was a man didn’t need a side rib cage tattoo to be sexy.

Ben’s mom, Amy, is disturbed that her son claims to be in love with two women. Also she says of Ben: “he can get impatient and worked up.” “It’s not all about the rosy.” No weird premonitions there, hopefully.

Lauren B gets the first family meeting. She brings flowers as a gift at a resort where every surface is covered with flowers. Zero points for creativity. Always. I hope one day on this show someone brings a future in-law like a cheese board or tea towel or that fake dog poop pile you can trick people with. Lauren tells the parents she loves Ben and asks them if they think he’s ready to be married. Dad said yes. And saying that about a 25 year-old is not insignificant.

Ben: “I can see Lauren as my wife.” Whatever that means.

JoJo is up next. She’s really good and demonstrative with Ben’s parents. JoJo also points out she knows Ben is hard on himself and that seems to resonate with his mom and dad. Or is Amy again thinking about her son’s dark side.

Dave asks JoJo what it is about Ben that JoJo loves, and as is custom on this show, she doesn’t answer- just says she loves him and he’s her best friend. It would be nice one day to hear someone actually list traits in a uniquely observational way. That’s true love.

Amy: “For me, it did feel different today.” And SPOILER ALERT: that’s gonna be the first comment that’s going to be hard to take back later.

Ben basically then tells JoJo he is proposing to her. BASICALLY. Good like taking that back later too.

Lauren B’s “LAST DATE”

They’re on a catamaran. Why does Ben have to keep saying I Love You to these girls? I hope one of these girls gets violently angry when she loses. And then it’s hard because he alternates between seeming distracted and then wanting to be all over Lauren.

Ben: “I knew I loved you right away, and it freaked me out and I don’t know why.” “I get freaked out when things seem too good to be true.” It turns out Ben is a little hung up on the fact that he doesn’t know what life is like with Lauren “when things get hard.” He feels he and JoJo have already made it through hard times. IN FOUR WEEKS. Hahahahahahaha. So basically Lauren, a nice genuine person, is penalized for not dumping her ex-boyfriend a day before filming starts and having him inappropriately place roses and a letter on her doorstep during a hometown visit.

Lauren left the date feeling defeated and she could tell Ben was stressed and had doubt in his mind. So she pulls on her big-girl false eyelashes and sits down on the couch with Ben that night and says I am ready to spend my whole life with you and I’ve never been more sure of anything. And then Ben doesn’t even crack a smile or so we think EDITING.

We’re left feeling worried about these two. And also bored. They are such a nice, boring couple. BUT BABY SEA TURTLES. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens

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Won.

I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.

—————

Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?

CAILA

I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?

LAUREN

Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 5: morning breath, day breath and Teen Mom

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It’s all fun and games until your entire family is brutally murdered in Haiti AND you win a cooking competition but still get dumped by The Bachelor.

I am very relieved ABC’s update on the Iowa caucuses barely interrupted my regularly-scheduled Bachelor viewing. No one cares about the dumb election.

VIVA LA MEXICO! Supposedly.

Emily: “Now that my sister’s not here, I feel like I have nothing holding me back.” I feel like that came out wrong?

The girls say they have never seen anything like this hotel suite. (Except the dope one you had in Vegas and that mansion in LA….)

Olivia is wearing a cross necklace in the opening scene so maybe she is finally getting it? Becca’s going to start bringing the Bible on group dates just to compete.

Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket date with Amanda

(What are the statistical odds that no one has ever read a date card that had their own name on it?)

Ooh Ben H comes in at 4:20am to wake up Amanda for the date. FOUR TWENTY, HOMES!! Hahaha did I seem like a cool drug user just then?

I love these times when the girls all have stank breath and retainers. Do you think the room smells like farts? When Ben said, “Whose weave is this?” I thought he said “weed.” Also, I tried to google the difference between a weave and an extension, because I am hoping the words aren’t racist, but I don’t feel more educated.

I call bullshit. Amanda woke up in FULL MAKE-UP. Her producer was nice and tipped her off to be ready. Because a professional esthetician would never, ever, ever go to bed with a full face of make-up.

Ben and Amanda go on a hot air balloon. And of course, because it’s Mexico City, the sky is full on smog. The look not that into it but try for the cameras. Then they picnic somewhere. And Ben says cheers to the fact that they will be “talking life” later. So then they go talk life at a hotel and Amanda gets real about her ex-husband, the father of her daughters, and his double life with a second cell phone and exes and online dating. The fact that women who look like Amanda get cheated on (or Eva Longoria, let’s be honest) proves what I learned about Why Men Cheat 20 years ago by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. Spoiler Alert: it’s not because they let themselves go. Date rose to single mom Amanda with the Joey Lauren Adams voice. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 4: dim city

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Except when I do.

How was the Democratic debate? Wouldn’t know.

Week 4! Chris Harrison enters the Mansion and shares with the ladies that they’re headed to Las Vegas to meet Ben, and that’s where they will find the first date card. The twins speak at the same time about how they were born and raised there. A bunch of people shout “Viva Las Vegas!” Odds they know what ‘viva’ means?

Cut to the women walk through the lobby of The Aria resort and casino and 90% of them are in jeans and a white shirt. Not sure why, but yeah.

You Set My Heart On Fire date with JoJo

(FYI- Olivia: “Ben is my piece. I’m zen with Ben.”)

JoJo’s hair on fleek! Her nail polish shade on fleek! Ben H mentions having a glass of champagne and JoJo says “I looooooove that” spookily just like Saturday Night Live’s Bachelor spoof this past weekend.

Ben and JoJo wait for a helicopter and kiss in the helicopter gusts while all the other women watch from above. Then they take a helicopter ride and then – are you ready for it – they just end up in a nondescript hotel room. Frickin helicopter ride in Vegas and your ultimate destination is the same as an upscale Marriott in Cleveland.

JoJo shares she ended her 1 1/2 year relationship 5 months ago. She is vague about whether she was cheated on or whether she was dating a married man, but either way it made her insecure because that person wasn’t “giving his all”. Wait, this was the big past bombshell she was nervous about? Their whole conversation is way edited and I have no idea what’s actually going on between them, but JoJo gets a rose. Now likely something will happen outside on the roof involving either fireworks or a private concert. Oh, fireworks. Short, cliche, non-informative edited date concludes.

Show Me What You Got group date with Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia- maybe someone else?

Olivia refers to herself in the third person as The Frontrunner.

The women enter the Terry Fator theater. Caila just said she grew up watching Terry Fator on tv. For real??? Whomever Terry Fator is tells all the women that basically they have to be in a talent competition audition, opening that night in front of 1200 for Terry Fator’s show. The twins are psyched because their mom made them study dance when they were younger. So they do an Irish River Dance. Jubilee plays the cello. JUBILEE PLAYS THE CELLO. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h: the episode with Ice Cube (?)

(I’m going to close my eyes and just go back to Straight Outta Compton and Boyz N the Hood.)

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This happened.

I see Ben H’s no kissing rule was just for Night 1.

Gratuitous shot of Ben at The Four Seasons pulling his pants on up and over his underwear bulge. This show is at least about equal opportunity exploitation. Also, why is he staying at The Four Seasons?

Let’s Learn How to Love group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

Lace is glad she gets to redeem herself because the drunken fool on display Night 1 is “not her.” Oh but it is! That was you drinking, amirite?

The ladies take the limo to “Bachelor High” and Ben H wants the date to be goofy and fun, so as to relieve any stress. “High school is where I have some of my fondest memories.” Shocking.

Chris Harrison’s nerdy school outfit is actually super dope. Jackie: “I was never Homecoming Queen in high school.” I feel like never is a weird word choice. How many opportunities do you get? One, right? So grammatically it should be “I was not Homecoming Queen…” Get it together!

The women actually get composition books and basically engage in a school-themed obstacle course replete with science experiments (volcanoes), lunch class (bobbing for apples), geography (find/don’t find Indiana on a map), gym (basketball free throw), and hurdle competition to become Homecoming Queen. Mandy wins and gets a tiara, letter jacket and a sash and then they take a victory lap in a convertible.

Incidentally, Ben says in reference to placing Indiana on a map: It’s not like I’m asking them to place Indonesia on a map. Except, hello, Indonesia would be hella easier! It’s surrounded by water and has one million teeny trailing off islands and is in South Asia. You have a 50-50 chance of guessing Indonesia right. Indiana is hard! It’s one of those states somewhere between the coasts with zero water features or a memorable shape. Continue reading

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bachelorette des episode 9 TMTA: des’ sequins are never here for the right reasons

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You don’t like my sparkles?

I should not be recapping this. I have 900 other more important things to do. Which is why Imma recap!!

Some of you pointed out last week the Tell All episodes usually follow the overnight nights. That slipped right past me but being alerted to this major change of affairs, I watched this episode with heightened curiosity.

First things first: I want the viewing party bus to stop at my house. How can I make this happen? Are you going to tell me it’s not “good tv” if they come in and it’s just me in an oversized old t-shirt eating from a bag of microwave popcorn and typing on a laptop? That’s preposterous. Ashley and JP would love my microwave popcorn. I splurge on Movie Theater Butter.

I was rolling my eyes when Des was having some girl chat with Emily, Ali, and Ashley from seasons past. But it wasn’t as much of a joke as I expected. The girls seemed genuinely interested in advising on how to dress down a ne’er-do-well from the cast. And also it reminded me I liked those girls and their seasons. I think I did. I forget every single thing I say here. Example: I kept watching the show and thinking Kasey is so cute and has such cute hair only to conveniently forget he was the annoying #hashtagger from Night 1, right?? #throwingupinmymouth

Time for BULLETS!!!!

  • I forgot about the guy that worse a suit of armor. I LOLed a little bit.
  • It seems universally agreed that Juan Pablo should be the next Bachelor. I don’t think he should make an issue of mispronouncing his name though. It’s called an accent. I dare him to say MY name the way I do.
  • Date Rape Jonathan had some very good apologies. I would say he has rehabilitated his image.
  • Drew is hot (I know he wasn’t there, but from the flashbacks). Gay though?
  • Brian declined to come so I wonder if he is back with Stephanie?
  • Ben looked good on stage (although young and creepy too) and I was reminded of the two grossest things about him: (1) that time he wore that weird blank tank top and (2) how he had a baby with a friend for fun. However, I thought it was lame for Dan (I mean, WHO??) to go at Ben about how he ran into the baby’s mom in Vegas (really, you ran into her?) and Ben is a deadbeat dad and didn’t want custody or shouldn’t have it etc. Very off topic and the guy is no longer in the running for Des, so doubly inappropriate.
  • James’ teeth are too fake for me. He does come off sweet and genuine when he wants though. Usually the rats on this show are more obvious but he’s a hard one to crack. I think he probably really did like Des.
  • Kasey has GOT to LET IT GO about the conversation he overheard between James and Mikey. Enough already. Is Kasey a #prosecutor also?
  • Are there lots of tall, hot girls on boats in Chicago?
  • Zak the Fluid Renaissance Guy: teeth too white, shin too tan, sings and plays guitar decently well, lying about being 31, funny, good abs, almost became a priest, spends half a year on an oil rig (cray), wrote an invisible poem, I actually like the guy.

Des wears a sparkly dress. Sigh to the Sigh. I immediately take note of the fact that she gets to do her time on stage and then leave without ever being asked the usually question about whether she has found love. There is either some great editing or shit gets real and ugly next two weeks.

Bloopers: I could not have laughed harder watching that Bryden and Des date when every light exploded and fell.

Previews: THERE WILL BE AN ENDING WE DON’T SEE COMING AND CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND OUR CONTROL AND MAJOR INTENSE INTENSITY INTENSENESS.

See you there, cyber-friends.

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bachelorette des episode 5: some stuff happens

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Baywatchy.

Drama tonight.

Munich, Germany. The men roll up from some public transportation which has been emptied of other humans. Ben says he has never crossed the ocean to travel. Boo. Wait, it’s Des’s first time in Europe? Double boo.

Des says a German word. Then Chris Harrison welcomes the guys with a German phrase. I say to all that: NEIN.

In Germany We Can Fall In Love date with Chris

Chris says he’s “jacked” for this date. I’m not. I know it’s a budgetary / crowd-control thing but I am pretty over traveling around the world during the world’s off-season. Munich in the cold does not see romantic or fun to me. And it’s all about ME.

Back at the ranch, Bryden is talking smack again about leaving. Why did he waste her rose the other night then?

Back on the date, there are some contrived segments of Des and Chris trying to speak in German and get around. Problematic for two reasons: (1) Everyone in Germany speaks English (and 12 other languages); and (2) There is a production crew of 12 people tailing them and readily available to assist. Now there’s a contrived segment where Des and Chris are dancing to a little street band. No one else in the public is dancing. Everyone else is like 20 yards back filming the film crew. Then the staged scene ups its faux reality ante when Bryden, who has broken away from the meat pack back at the hotel, finds the couple dancing in the square by asking lots of Germans on the street if they have “seen a television crew anywhere”.

God I hate this show. And I hate myself for watching. I’m going to make microwave popcorn. I stress eat when I’m sad. Continue reading

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