Blakeley’s words, not mine. Moving on-
You might think what bothers me about this photo is how staged it looks or how humongous my arms look or just overall how I look like a fleshy, 80 year-old gnocchi roller but you would be wrong. So, very, wrong. The only thing that bothers me about this photo is that you can’t see the matching t-shirts we’re wearing:
Alright, so any possible commentary that can be made on Monday’s night The Most Amazing Finale of Any Bachelor Franchise-Related Season Ever can be divided into only two categories:
- The Ending
- Everything that Should Have Been Discussed In The Episode that Was Not
It’s what I want to do, and yet I feel compelled to start from the beginning.
The show generally opens will an introduction of each person from the house so the audience can cheer. Lindzi is way too tan and my hope and prayer is that it is natural (like she just got back from the Bahamas) and not spray. No one cheered for Jamie at all! At all. She is a kook for sure, but that’s harsh. She’s just Krazy, not Mean. Yikes. I am sure it was just her bizarro outfit a la Forever 21 earrings that are so 2010 and the weird bedazzled Native American-like headpiece that Paris Hilton kept trying to unsuccessfully bring into fashion and worst of all: the mysterious markings at the outer lower corner of each eye that if I didn’t know Jamie better, would think were tattooed tears for all the brothers she shanked. But I do know Jamie, and therefore I know it was just another unfortunate life decision to do some weird make-up application in a life overflowing with very bad decisions.
Also, Erica Rose looks better than usual. And my gosh is my jury out on her. Some days I love her dry delivery and blunt tongue and almost-stoned way of being a trust find baby. Other days I find her a vile has-been. But she does look better than usual. Which isn’t necessarily a compliment.
We learn Lindzi and Kalon are “still going”. But then Erica Rose – never one to miss an opportunity to stoke the long burning fires of her feud with Kalon – drops the bomb that Kalon has still been seen around town with some other ladiez. Kalon doesn’t deny it and Lindzi can’t think of a response fast enough and Erica Rose just seems generally pleased. Which, to be honest, she often seems on these shows.
Michael in the Hot Seat
There is some scene recapping of Michael’s sometime glory as supposed puppetmaster of the house and the game.
Oh snap. The producers show a clip never aired during the season where Michael tells Erica Rose he likes dating Rachel in the house but can’t see dating her out of the house. Because it turns out after the house, Michael dissed Rachel because “she was falling in love and [he] wasn’t feeling it”. Michael used to be such a good guy and so I am surprised he can’t be a little more forthcoming with the details about how exactly he went from being obsessed with her (which yes, we all witnessed) to totally over it. Jaclyn is all defensive of Rachel which means we know they’re not mortal enemies anymore even though Rachel didn’t bring Jaclyn into the final four. One outstanding question down.
Jaclyn in the Hot Seat
Jaclyn gets to re-live two awesome things via clip montage: (1) her unrequited love for Ed; and (2) her betrayal when her in-love best friend Rachel did not pick her to go the finals. Forgive and never forget, says Jaclyn. Jaclyn also says, incidentally, she controlled the game, not Michael. I can’t disagree. It’s highly possible. Jaclyn has really toyed with my emotions this season. Is her true persona the skank that lit into Shawntel on Ben’s season or is it the loyal friend, fun girl and decent game player from BP3? We’ll never know, until she’s back for BP4.
Blakeley in the Hot Seat
Blakeley’s kind of awesome. In my recollection she has never made one gratuitously mean comment about anyone. She might come off like a promiscuous tarantula but in the same way you can hold and pet a tarantula. She’s soft and fuzzy, ya know?
Her and Tony holding hands is the sweetest thing about this episode. I need to retract my negativity towards Tony from Emily’s season. He strikes me as a good guy. I know they get made fun of for stereotypical WT things, but I don;t buy that classist shit. Blakeley and Tony have never come off as dumb or naive or any less fierce and competitive than the rest of the forgettable middle class yokels that populated the season. I don’t think for one second their proposal will last even a couple months, but the falling in love part was totally genuine and super sweet to witness.
Chris Harrison called Blakeley an “honorable woman” and I think that’s really nice of him to point out and totally true. I am tearing a little bit when Blakeley waxes on about Tony. (Did you get that word play? That was awesome! I’m awesome!)
Tony gets up on stage and announces they’re moving in together in Portland, Oregon. And then he proposes! I am sure he did it that way because they got a free Neil Lane ring out of the deal, but I do wish Blakeley had been actually looking at him a little more. Whatever. You know they went back to the hotel and did it like 10 times. With props.
The Final Four
Rachel confronts Michael. He did lead her on and why isn’t he elaborating about how all of a sudden he wasn’t into her at all?? Michael Stagliano’s golden star ahas fallen quite far, IMHO. It turns out he is having a long distance relationship with someone in Chicago.
Nick claims he flew under the radar on purpose. I don’t really buy that. Had he been asked into the alliance, he never would have turned it down. But whatever, it’s true he didn’t try to actively get on the radar so I guess that’s good for something. At least as long as producers switch up the rules as they go and manipulate the outcome.
Chris the Loser speaks. It turns out his family was very disappointed in his slutty, cruel ways. I like Chris’s family. I believe Chris’s tears are real but I don’t think a moment of contrition after everyone on Earth hates you should automatically restore all good will towards you. Besides, given that Chris is now moving to open some kind of upscale Hooters in, gasp, my hometown, I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say he’s still a terrible person.
Rachel has to answer to Jaclyn. Jaclyn is repeating her tirade about what best friends should do. Nick is the only one speaking any goddamn sense: YOU CHOOSE THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLE TO GO WITH YOU TO THE END. Remember? That was Nick’s idea, and it panned out.
Sarah looks like an alpaca. No really. That perplexed look she makes a lot and silent “O” with her mouth. That’s pretty much how an alpaca looks every time they are startled with a suspicious noise and/or movement.
Some Chris Bukowski quotes:
You can’t regret the things you can’t change.”
Actually, that is the opposite of the definition of regret.
“I apologize from the bottom of my heart.”
Imagining what lies at the bottom of Chris’s heart made me physically shudder.
I am pretty sure on past seasons of BP, each of the remaining four people had a chance to explain why they should win and what they would do with the money. I kind of think that’s an important thing to hear, and so shouldn’t have been edited out. Also, I know Chris Harrison only called on enough people to make the vote mildly dramatic, but I want to know how everyone voted. Like, who did the twins vote for? What about Ryan the Virgin?
Anyway, Rachel & Nick for enough votes to win from: Michael, Jamie, Ed, Blakeley, Reid, Lindzi, Donna, Tony and Jaclyn (shocker she gets to be the winning one)
Sarah & Chris do get votes from: Kalon, Dave and Erica Rose. Besides Kalon, I wish the other two would elaborate on why they voted for a degenerate.
The Moment We’ve All Been Waiting For
Now Rachel and Nick each go to a sound proof room or something and get to choose “Share” or “Keep”. The combo of how they each decide makes a difference as to who gets the winnings and how much. I don’t want to break it down because only five people read this blog and you all know how it works. Why does the voting room have candles? This is not a romantic sequence.
Rachel reveals “SHARE.” We knew that, of course. She’s a softie and a do-the-right-thing kind of person. Also, it makes sense. If you and your partner agree to this before-hand – as allegedly she and Nick had done – then at least “everyone wins” (in the literal sense, for once).
Nick gives the most awesome precursor speech ever of how no one cared about him throughout the show and he got there by himself and no one thought he deserved it and all made cracks and his anonymity and Rachel kept trying to bail as his partner… and then he reveals his vote as “KEEP.”
It’s one of the most beautiful moments I have ever witnessed on a competition reality show. Every word out of Nick’s mouth is true. He won the game, which makes him the ultimate player. There’s no such thing as luck in a game not including playing cards or a slot machine. The game of BP is a game that has to be played. Even not playing it is a play. Nick is like a modern-day Richard Hatch (or as Faye so correctly pointed out: a honey badger) and I felt electrified by his decision and his reaction. It made for good tv and hell, he never apologized once and stood his ground- even during the ensuing uproar.
For the next 20 minutes I am literally on the edge of my seat. Nick absolutely won the game. He crushed it. Kalon is right that the term “deserves” has no place in the context of this show. It’s so bonkers, still, that Jaclyn thinks people should take their friends to the end and then win on merit. I like that Nick is a game-changer and now future seasons of BP won’t just assume that some sympatico couple needs to make it to the end and then pinkie swear and split the money. Yawn, you know?
Grantland never gets one word wrong. And they’re digging the Nick win.
Jaclyn is a megalomaniac as ever.
Nick’s parting words before the limo “I played this game brilliantly.” Yes. And not only because you won ALL THE MONEY. But also because, even though everyone in the house accuses you of being a nobody mute the whole time, you managed to get a quick and dirty make-out sesh in with Donna right before she got booted from the house. Remember that? That was back in the day, and it was awesome. Nick is like an amiable and clever caveman.
- Jamie’s ensemble
- What does everyone think about how poor the execution was on the introduction of superfans into the mix?
- Do the twins feel sad when watching back the episodes of them hating on one another?
- What’s going on with Jaclyn and Ed now and what are their reactions to how that dynamic was portrayed on the show?
- Was it hard for Blakeley to watch back the season when Jaclyn and Rachel were mean girls behind her back and she thought they were besties?
- Why does Jamie and everyone else hate Ryan the Virgin?
- Is it okay that the producers cavalierly change the rules as the days progress so as to affect the outcome?
- Is the winner supplied with a tax lawyer?
- Where was Nick going with his duffel bag?
- Why do Kalon and Erica Rose live in Houston?
Why does anyone?
No really. Houston. Ugh!
But check out this cute video of young Kalon. I have no idea how, but he was Bar Mitzvahed!