Chris Harrison, this is really your job.
So I’m a hypocrite. I generally can’t stand these career reality vets like Beth on Real World and now Erica Rose on Bachelor Pad. And yet – like much of America – I totally dig every single thing about Michael Stagliano (even the way he gets too obsessed with girls too fast) and so he is hopefully going to redeem this turd of a season for me. I hope I’m wrong, but so far I care so little about any particular outcome (money, hook-ups, etc) that I was leaving the screen for lengthy periods of time to do household chores. And I hate chores. But I guess that’s how bored I was.
Chris Harrison tells us from the water-soaked driveway of the Mansion that this year’s contestants vying for $250K are some of “the most memorable and controversial people of seasons past”. I so beg to differ (Tony, really? Nate, who? Sarah, seriously? Ryan? Don’t care). But then the producerz switch it up and throw 6/7 “super fans” into the mix. I am actually grateful for the new blood.
The turd burglars in order of limo appearance:
Chris Bukowski: So in love with Emily Maynard 5 minutes ago that he is grateful to be in the mansion, which is part of history, to have his heart mended with multiple sexcapades.
Lindzi Cox: I can’t help it, I love me some Lindzi. She has that fab huskyish voice and despite her waaaay too much eye make-up, she is so adorbs. She is hilar when she reminds us that “I’m the girl that lost to Courtney.” That would definitely make anyone feel like a huge loser. It’s like losing to a stinking pile of horse poo dressed in a tarantula costume. What I loved about Lindzi always during Ben’s season was she was one of the only girls that stayed above the fray. It’s always cool to see the few hold-outs who never trash anyone, stay well-liked and go far. I am nervous she lets this part of her character go though since she makes it pretty clear at the outset she HATES Blakeley. Also, she crushes on Kalon. I would think it’s crazy but they are both pure breeds, so you know how that goes.
Ed Swiderski: So I mean, I like Ed in theory. He’s cute, ridiculous and doesn’t give many f*cks. But I can’t forgive him for duping Jillian and personifying the great failure of the Bachelor(ette) franchise. First of all, he makes a point to say how blondes are his type and his thing. Then he mentions he was nowhere near ready to get married when he proposed to Jillian. Infidelity, blah blah blah, whatever. It pisses me off more that he allowed an ending that season knowing it wasn’t with good intentions when someone could have made it far who was. And worse, Jillian is just a cool, likable chick. And she’s still defending him! Anyway, I will try to get on board with Ed since I like his pink jacket Night 1. Such a charicature.
Nick Peterson: Was boring on Ashley’s season so I expect him to be boring now. No idea how he made the cut (lots of other people said No).
Rachel “bangs” Trueheart: I have always been so smitten with Rachel’s bangs that I want to be behind her 100%. But I am already disappointed. Turns out, she’s kind of a mean girl (eg Blakeley). Which is doubly sucky since it appears Michael Stagliano is going to set his head-over-heels honing device squarely on Rachel. And Michael seems like he needs to love on a nice girl. Even if Holly Durst broke his heart for Blake, she was at least the kind of girl who was well-liked and never shit-talked. I just don’t want Michael to slum it now.
Sarah Newlon: I have no idea why or how this chick got on. She reminds us that she was the girl who couldn’t tell Brad Womack from his twin, and that pretty much tells me everything I need to know. She also spends a lot of time being angry with people she doesn’t know and is part of the small crew of people horribly offended that any super fans are on the show. (More on that later.)
Ryan Hoag: Apparently his claim to fame is that he’s a virgin. I have no idea why people admit that on this show. It does not make you desirable, it freaks people out. No one wants that pressure, ok? I am grateful he adds a miniscule shred of diversity to the cast.
Reid Rosenthal: I had sort of forgotten about Reid but his Philly accent and calm and good-guy demeanor are a welcome sight/sound for me. I don’t remember his ninja-style surprise proposal during Jillian’s season (that happened?) and I am bummed for him his teammate Paige goes home Night 1, but I am looking forward to him trying to make Ed’s life hell. It’s always refreshing when there is more dude drama than chick shit.
Jaclyn Swartz: Jaclyn wants to bait me. She wants to be a divisive, polarizing figure and she is trading on her “love me or hate me I don’t care” routine. For that reason alone, I am not going to give in. I’m not going to trash talk her because it’s what she wants. Don’t let the hyena trick you! So here are just the facts: Jaclyn was the girl who called Shawntel dumpster trash on Ben’s season. Jaclyn pretends to be friends with Blakeley and Rachel but hates both of them. Jaclyn has nothing nice to say about anyone and gets wasted Night 1 and teams up with an equally-trashed Ed. Jaclyn is very impressed she has a college degree and says it’s why her career will go farther than Blakeley’s waxing career. No one has informed Jaclyn that a high school degree is as valuable as expired jarred spaghetti sauce. Which, to be fair, is possibly more valuable because if you scrape off the fuzz at the top and heat the remaining sauce up, no one is the wiser. I have never done that though. Continue reading