bachelorette kaitlyn week i have no idea: time is a flat circle

Villing.

You know this thing with no rose ceremonies at the end of an episode? Yeah, it’s not working for me.

So there have been somewhere between 2-17 episodes so far and here’s a little recap below. On a Thursday. Cause I’m dangerous.

Chris Harrison tells Britt on Night One/Episode Two/In a Television Vortex she did not get enough votes but that the vote was very close. LIKE HOW CLOSE, CHRIS?

Britt handles it with class. Frankly, I don’t think Kaitlyn would have had as much. Team Britt suffers though. Case in point: Tony the creepy yogi can’t handle that it’s Kaitlyn. “We’re all drinking at the same fountain. I want to go home and dig my own well.” It’s either a euphemism for him masturbating or ordering one of those realistic life-size inflatable doll girlfriends.

Jared confesses to Kaitlyn he voted for Britt. Which is a cool move, weirdly. But he distracted me with his, “I’m super excited you’re the Bachelorette, you’re super sweet and super great and super pretty and super duper.” What’s super(natural) is Jared’s chiseled chin and bone structure. I think his very complicated blowdried hairdo is maybe because he is self-conscious about his ears?

JJ reminds us he had a great connection with Britt: “My life, my daughter and future is woven out of what happens with this.” No presh. Luckily Kaitlyn tells JJ I’m super in to you, I’m all in, don’t be afraid.

The dentist gets some love.

Brady asks to leave to find Britt. Tony has a black eye. Two guys get kicked off who I don’t remember, plus the exotic law grad dancer and the guy that drove the “car pool”.

Then there are some previews and all I can see is:

NICK VIALL
NICK VIALL
NICK VIALL
NICK VIALL

NICK VIALL

I’m sweating.

So is Kaitlyn, because apparently this season she has sex with someone practically on camera and then feels compelled to confess it to the remaining guys.

In response, the following episode/night/week/unrealized rose ceremony, I honor this nation’s fallen war heroes by watching The Bachelorette on Memorial Day.

Kaitlyn wakes up with full make-up and a bra. In her sit-down with Chris Harrison, her fake eyelashes look like my 6 year old applied them.

Brady goes to Britt’s hotel room. I’m mad that I just typed that sentence it’s so boring.

bachelor pad 3 episode 4 recap: it might be a bad sign that i forgot to recap episodes 2 and 3

So artsy the way it looks like she’s slapping Jaclyn upside the head.

Well, to be more specific, I gave up on recapping the past two episodes. I watched. Of course I watched. I never don’t watch. I even took notes. Copious notes. But the Olympic Games had my attention and time and that was that.

I know this is old news, but the twins need their own reality spin-off show. It might be like nails on a chalkboard, but come on! Their dynamic with one another is amazing. “You called me a slut four times.” Also I figured out the way to tell them apart is that one does that weird thing where she over-plucks her eyebrows so each one just looks like half an eyebrow.

Beyond that, let’s just quickly highlight the Best Of episodes 2 and 3 in Tweets and hashtags:

• During the rhythmic gymnastics competition, Nick called his participation “the most absurd thing he has ever done in his life.” #ironic
• It’s embarrassing that Ashley and JP and a former Olympic gymnast judged the competition. #moneywasgood?
• I think the Kalon/Lindzi pairing has the potential to actually be a nice thing, but how will he ever explain himself out of his comment: “The girls look terrible. Shopping and gymnastics: what else do you have to do in your life?” #youdontmeanthat
• The way Donna was eating a banana. #thatsall
• I like Stagliano but it’s weird he frenched it out on that one group date with Donna to “fulfill her fantasy”. #stayclassybacheloryoda
• There’s much that can be written about how krazykakes Chris is every episode, but I definitely have to mention during that derby car date with Blakeley et al, he did in fact say “if David gets the rose, someone’s gonna die.” #luckilydaviddidnotgettherose
• I know people hate on the fact that Jamie sometimes wears fingerless gloves, but I don’t really mind quirky. It’s her horrifyingly low self-esteem, astounding delusion and constant wearing of fake eyelashes that gets me going. #justsayin
• You know that Hot Sludge Funday challenge from last week? #ijustwantedtotypehotsludgefunday
• We never get any sense of who Nick is but notable things from last week include the fact that Tony referred to him as “Captain Protein Powder” and, even better, when Donna was moping around at the cocktail party, freaking that her minutes left in the douse were numbered, Nick quickly dove in for an emergency make-out sesh. #quickthinking
• After Reid’s scheming last week, a very offended Jaclyn made a big toast with everyone saying “everyone needs to be more honest in how they play the game.” #whatthehellareyoutalkingabout

Starting Monday morning, I was feeling a tremendous emptiness about the Olympics being over. Mike Fleiss threw salt in my wound when the voiceover at the outset of the episode said: “Now that the summer games are over, let the games continue on the Bachelor Pad. Seriously?

After “last night’s” elimination, David, the last (and most likable) fan standing, tells us the four power couples left in the house are:

Chris and Blakely
Kalon and Lindzi
Rachel and Michael
Ed and Jaclyn (who drunkenly tells Ed he’s a winner, not a loser and that Reid is a Dummy McStupid and also thinks she will find love with Ed)

I am disappointed they’re being referred to as ‘power couples’ because I actually disagree that the strength of some of these decision-makers is even half of what it was in the heyday of David Good or Michelle Money.

Jamie is so dense she is thought bubbling about having no partner or anyone on her side and how sad it is, while David is literally telling her he has her back and is on her side. She did the same thing when her original parter Ryan was so loyal and even managed to source sushi for a private picnic date on her 26th birthday, but still Jamie (self-admittedly) has to go for the chase. But in this context chase = felony stalking.

bachelor pad 3 episode 1 recap: i’m only watching because stagliano is there

Chris Harrison, this is really your job.

So I’m a hypocrite. I generally can’t stand these career reality vets like Beth on Real World and now Erica Rose on Bachelor Pad. And yet – like much of America – I totally dig every single thing about Michael Stagliano (even the way he gets too obsessed with girls too fast) and so he is hopefully going to redeem this turd of a season for me. I hope I’m wrong, but so far I care so little about any particular outcome (money, hook-ups, etc) that I was leaving the screen for lengthy periods of time to do household chores. And I hate chores. But I guess that’s how bored I was.

Chris Harrison tells us from the water-soaked driveway of the Mansion that this year’s contestants vying for $250K are some of “the most memorable and controversial people of seasons past”. I so beg to differ (Tony, really? Nate, who? Sarah, seriously? Ryan? Don’t care). But then the producerz switch it up and throw 6/7 “super fans” into the mix. I am actually grateful for the new blood.

The turd burglars in order of limo appearance:

Chris Bukowski: So in love with Emily Maynard 5 minutes ago that he is grateful to be in the mansion, which is part of history, to have his heart mended with multiple sexcapades.

Lindzi Cox: I can’t help it, I love me some Lindzi. She has that fab huskyish voice and despite her waaaay too much eye make-up, she is so adorbs. She is hilar when she reminds us that “I’m the girl that lost to Courtney.” That would definitely make anyone feel like a huge loser. It’s like losing to a stinking pile of horse poo dressed in a tarantula costume. What I loved about Lindzi always during Ben’s season was she was one of the only girls that stayed above the fray. It’s always cool to see the few hold-outs who never trash anyone, stay well-liked and go far. I am nervous she lets this part of her character go though since she makes it pretty clear at the outset she HATES Blakeley. Also, she crushes on Kalon. I would think it’s crazy but they are both pure breeds, so you know how that goes.

Ed Swiderski: So I mean, I like Ed in theory. He’s cute, ridiculous and doesn’t give many f*cks. But I can’t forgive him for duping Jillian and personifying the great failure of the Bachelor(ette) franchise. First of all, he makes a point to say how blondes are his type and his thing. Then he mentions he was nowhere near ready to get married when he proposed to Jillian. Infidelity, blah blah blah, whatever. It pisses me off more that he allowed an ending that season knowing it wasn’t with good intentions when someone could have made it far who was. And worse, Jillian is just a cool, likable chick. And she’s still defending him! Anyway, I will try to get on board with Ed since I like his pink jacket Night 1. Such a charicature.

Nick Peterson: Was boring on Ashley’s season so I expect him to be boring now. No idea how he made the cut (lots of other people said No).

Rachel “bangs” Trueheart: I have always been so smitten with Rachel’s bangs that I want to be behind her 100%. But I am already disappointed. Turns out, she’s kind of a mean girl (eg Blakeley). Which is doubly sucky since it appears Michael Stagliano is going to set his head-over-heels honing device squarely on Rachel. And Michael seems like he needs to love on a nice girl. Even if Holly Durst broke his heart for Blake, she was at least the kind of girl who was well-liked and never shit-talked. I just don’t want Michael to slum it now.

Sarah Newlon: I have no idea why or how this chick got on. She reminds us that she was the girl who couldn’t tell Brad Womack from his twin, and that pretty much tells me everything I need to know. She also spends a lot of time being angry with people she doesn’t know and is part of the small crew of people horribly offended that any super fans are on the show. (More on that later.)

Ryan Hoag: Apparently his claim to fame is that he’s a virgin. I have no idea why people admit that on this show. It does not make you desirable, it freaks people out. No one wants that pressure, ok? I am grateful he adds a miniscule shred of diversity to the cast.

Reid Rosenthal: I had sort of forgotten about Reid but his Philly accent and calm and good-guy demeanor are a welcome sight/sound for me. I don’t remember his ninja-style surprise proposal during Jillian’s season (that happened?) and I am bummed for him his teammate Paige goes home Night 1, but I am looking forward to him trying to make Ed’s life hell. It’s always refreshing when there is more dude drama than chick shit.

Jaclyn Swartz: Jaclyn wants to bait me. She wants to be a divisive, polarizing figure and she is trading on her “love me or hate me I don’t care” routine. For that reason alone, I am not going to give in. I’m not going to trash talk her because it’s what she wants. Don’t let the hyena trick you! So here are just the facts: Jaclyn was the girl who called Shawntel dumpster trash on Ben’s season. Jaclyn pretends to be friends with Blakeley and Rachel but hates both of them. Jaclyn has nothing nice to say about anyone and gets wasted Night 1 and teams up with an equally-trashed Ed. Jaclyn is very impressed she has a college degree and says it’s why her career will go farther than Blakeley’s waxing career. No one has informed Jaclyn that a high school degree is as valuable as expired jarred spaghetti sauce. Which, to be fair, is possibly more valuable because if you scrape off the fuzz at the top and heat the remaining sauce up, no one is the wiser. I have never done that though.

bachelorette emily episode 3 recap: might as well cut the middleman and let ricki audition her prospective daddies

This one’s in the bag.

Ooh the preview makes the episode look so good!

The episode opens with horses neighing and then Emily’s McMansion comes into view. I don’t know if we’re made to think she lives smack in the middle of horse country or what. Emily’s mom (with SO much eye make-up) brings Em breakfast on a tray in her McMasterBedroom and Ricki the Daughter doesn’t want to come hang out. No one ever explains why she gets breakfast in bed and why she’s already dressed and made up. Emily and her mom then have a weird jovial-seeming convo where the disturbing subtext is that Emily is neglecting her child by being on a reality tv show. Also, I don’t mean to quibble (yes, yes I do) but Emily tries to make a joke that Ricki falls asleep each night splayed out in her bed and therefore she has no room to get in it when she gets home at night from her dates. Since Emily’s bed looks to be a canopied California King, I have no idea how this is possible. I could fit my entire family in that bed + our cantankerous elderly downstairs Welsh neighbors. Should they want to join, that is.

Chris Harrison gathers the men in the Chansion courtyard. The camera pans some of them and I am reminded the men did get much better looking after Week 1. I would do some of these men. And really, I should be the arbiter of who is doable. Why are the men wearing short sleeves and Chris Harrison is wearing a light jacket? We find out there will be two 1-on-1 dates and one group date. Mixing things up!! Not. Charlie, Sweet Brain-Damaged Charlie, reads the first date card, which goes to Chris. I do worry about the prospects of a 25-year old Corporate Sales Director from Chicago becoming an insta-stepdad.

Love is a Steady Climb date with Chris

I like Emily’s flowy tank top with motorcycle motif. Can we all just agree she looks so much better in civilian clothes than sparkly pageant gowns? This girl smokes us out in her everyday tees and shorts.

Usually we see the beginning of the date when the star picks up the intended. But for some reason this time we just see Emily and Chris already walking on their date. This deviation from formula really throws me. The couple stops at a building and rappelling ropes fall and Emily says “There ain’t no elevators, honey.” (The show needs some fresh script-writing.) It may be that I don’t really understand climbing, but there are no notches in the building for their feet so basically they are just being pulled up, right? Lame. A crowd has gathered below and the editing team is pumping in some thunder noises, pretending it’s from an oncoming storm. The couple gets to the top, the crowd cheers and I just feel relieved the fear-of-heights date is over for the season. Chris just keeps telling us he wants to kiss Emily. Possibly foreshadowing.

Emily’s hair blows around atop the building and tells Chris if she saw him at a bar she would be scared to approach him because he’s so cute. Again: we don’t believe you. Emily, caught off-guard, laughs and then seems so confused when Chris says he’s 25. She says it’s a ‘red flag’ which I am inclined to agree. But I want to congratulate this couple for once not making an earlier date activity consisting of a daring conquering of steep heights and danger the focal point of the rest of the evening’s conversation and fodder for multiple clichés.

—

Back at the ranch, Tony is on the phone with his son, Taylor, aggressively loving him.

Hey buddy how’s it going? Do you miss Daddy at all? I love you, Buddy.

bachelorette emily episode 2 recap: flower aprons for everyone!

I am insanely jealous.

First of all, I have been vindicated. I said last week to my friends that the guys will seem hotter once we know some of their personalities. Because, you know, women are saddled with the sorry trait of being attracted to personality. Anyway, I was right. This episode felt a little less Not and a little more Hot. Thank you; I came up with that myself. (I have no idea how to use a semicolon.)

The episode confusingly opens with some pretend Channel 9 Eyewitness News footage from Chopper 9 of the filming of the show in Charlotte. It segued to nothing so, thank you producers for wasting 5 extra seconds of my precious life.

Then there is a little scene where Emily and Ricki are hand-in-hand and stroll up to Emily’s other mom besties to shoot the shit about how they all have to take on her slack of parenting while she lives the life of a tv star. I surveyed the mummies, who cannot really be described as yummy, and I have this cautionary tale to impart: do not become mom friends with a woman who became a mom at 19. You will always look like your kid’s great-aunt in comparison.

Chris Harrison gathers the men in the courtyard of the Chansion (that’s what I am calling the Charlotte mansion. I am so clever!). There are lots of v-neck tees and so I may add that to the drinking game. Also, is it just me or does Chris Harrison look younger and slimmer and with maybe some fresh hair coloring? He is loving his dee-vorce, amirite?

The first date card gets dropped and someone says: “This just got real.” I will make that #1 on my list of Totally Non-Manly Things the Men Say or Do this Season. Chris wants the date card so badly but it goes to Ryan.

Ryan now rivals Courtney for a horrible response to getting a date card: “To hear my name called it was not necessarily a surprise. Much like going into a ball game, I’m never expecting to lose.” I’m going to cut Ryan a little slack because he turns out to be a little less awful than that comment, plus a lot of you seem to be sweating him, but I have got my eye on the guy. He’s like a good Christian version of the Jersey Shore people: GTL. Actually, he’s not as funny as Pauly D.

Ryan and his majorly d-bag hairdo try to redeem his comment with something about his pastor telling men to treat women like queens. But only because then the women treat their men like kings. Ryan, quit while your muscles are ahead.

Kalon interlude: He is like Emily in that without the veneers he would be better looking. I know he has a suspect personality. I just think it’s important to note this.

The Chansion is really growing on me. I like it better than the LA house.

On date day the boys are maxing and relaxing by the pool, giving their abs and pecs and traps and delts some much-needed air. The sausage party component to The Bachelorette is never not hilarious. Do you think, similar to prison, the men start to imagine which dude would be their “girlfriend” if times get desperate?