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bachelor ben h finale: spoiler alert- everyone dies

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Right out of the gate, ABC wants us to know it’s going to be an extra special live finale show. Both families are in the studio audience waiting for After The Final Rose, as are Neil Lane and Ben Higgins’ pastor. What the?

Back to Sandals Jamaica

Lauren B and JoJo both pontificate about their love for Ben whilst wearing cutoff Daisy Dukes. Meanwhile, Ben’s head is a mess. He is not wearing cutoff jean shorts and still he says “I’m scared I’m making a mistake.”

Higgins family

Ben’s an only child! Weird. I think I am closer in age to Ben’s dad, Dave, than Ben. In unrelated news, Dave is very handsome – I’m sure we can all agree. Proof that I’m #almost40 is that I would rather get with Dave than Ben. Time was a man didn’t need a side rib cage tattoo to be sexy.

Ben’s mom, Amy, is disturbed that her son claims to be in love with two women. Also she says of Ben: “he can get impatient and worked up.” “It’s not all about the rosy.” No weird premonitions there, hopefully.

Lauren B gets the first family meeting. She brings flowers as a gift at a resort where every surface is covered with flowers. Zero points for creativity. Always. I hope one day on this show someone brings a future in-law like a cheese board or tea towel or that fake dog poop pile you can trick people with. Lauren tells the parents she loves Ben and asks them if they think he’s ready to be married. Dad said yes. And saying that about a 25 year-old is not insignificant.

Ben: “I can see Lauren as my wife.” Whatever that means.

JoJo is up next. She’s really good and demonstrative with Ben’s parents. JoJo also points out she knows Ben is hard on himself and that seems to resonate with his mom and dad. Or is Amy again thinking about her son’s dark side.

Dave asks JoJo what it is about Ben that JoJo loves, and as is custom on this show, she doesn’t answer- just says she loves him and he’s her best friend. It would be nice one day to hear someone actually list traits in a uniquely observational way. That’s true love.

Amy: “For me, it did feel different today.” And SPOILER ALERT: that’s gonna be the first comment that’s going to be hard to take back later.

Ben basically then tells JoJo he is proposing to her. BASICALLY. Good like taking that back later too.

Lauren B’s “LAST DATE”

They’re on a catamaran. Why does Ben have to keep saying I Love You to these girls? I hope one of these girls gets violently angry when she loses. And then it’s hard because he alternates between seeming distracted and then wanting to be all over Lauren.

Ben: “I knew I loved you right away, and it freaked me out and I don’t know why.” “I get freaked out when things seem too good to be true.” It turns out Ben is a little hung up on the fact that he doesn’t know what life is like with Lauren “when things get hard.” He feels he and JoJo have already made it through hard times. IN FOUR WEEKS. Hahahahahahaha. So basically Lauren, a nice genuine person, is penalized for not dumping her ex-boyfriend a day before filming starts and having him inappropriately place roses and a letter on her doorstep during a hometown visit.

Lauren left the date feeling defeated and she could tell Ben was stressed and had doubt in his mind. So she pulls on her big-girl false eyelashes and sits down on the couch with Ben that night and says I am ready to spend my whole life with you and I’ve never been more sure of anything. And then Ben doesn’t even crack a smile or so we think EDITING.

We’re left feeling worried about these two. And also bored. They are such a nice, boring couple. BUT BABY SEA TURTLES. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi finale: it might be incest, but it was romantic

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I am so shocked you are proposing and it’s a gigantic Neil Lane ring! – Andi feigns

Hey everybody, we’ve reached the end. And true to form, The Bacheor/ette has reeled me back in. They give good finale, what can I say.

Nick with Andi’s family

Nick brought Hy whiskey or something. Hy being the most famous dad in the show’s franchise. But in retrospect, any dad on Earth that could have sniffed out that Juan Pablo would be possibly the single worst mate for a daughter, is just doing his god-given responsibilities. Although wasn’t it cute that Hy said his soul job in life was Rachel, Andi, and Patti? So cute. Why do you think Rachel had to have a less-cutesy name? Why do we think of her cute husband’s kind of randomly burgeoning side curls? Maybe payot coming?

Mom and Dad both commented privately on how nervous and non-demonstrative Nick was. Yes it’s weird to be THAT nervous, but I guess also nice because it means he gets that he has something good to lose. And the non-physicality thing- I mean, that’s just showing respect.

“Nick sees [Andi’s] entire soul.” Sister Rachel has a turtle tattoo on her back.

Nick asked for Hy’s blessing and he sort of, actually, kind of, gave it! I am actually shocked. Hy says it would be in total support of Nick and Andi together and Nick would be a great son-in-law.

Josh with Andi’s family

Hy decides before he meets Josh that he’s just an athlete type. At least Josh is physically demonstrative when he comes in, and I don’t know why they think it’s “chaotic” that Josh is outgoing, friendly, and nervously sweating. I think they are just pro-Nick. But also, I don’t know why Josh has to have his shirt unbuttoned soooo far down when meeting the love-of-his-life’s father.

Rachel and her husband quiz Josh. Then it’s Hy’s turn. And he comes out the same! No reservations about Josh and can see him as a son-in-law.

Last Date with Josh

Yacht across the Caribbean. Josh is kind, confident, funny, and easy on the eyes. Not my type, but all around a more decent guy than he clearly gets stereotyped for. They frolic and have fun on the boat and Josh seems really funny and they snorkel and the usual yachtiness ensues.

They have some wine that night. Josh’s uncooked salmon-colored trousers are good. Twitter may not like them, but I did. Andi, as usual, is expressing doubts about the realness of her and Josh and if it’s too good to be true, and what’s next after their infatuated phase. He doesn’t really answer the question, but has that ever stopped anyone on this show?

JOSH MAKES ANDI HER OWN BASEBALL CARD.

All kinds of cute, y’all. Beats a collage or poem any day.

Last Date with Nick

Offroading. Private beach with picnic. Picnic = 3 pieces of fruit and a knife. Do these people wear crazy DEET? I would have to be inside a full body mosquito net.

That night, Nick is like “welcome to my resort suite. I lit these 650 pillar candles myself.”

Also he is wearing the same 3/4 sleeve baseball raglan my husband has from Urban Outfitters. I don’t know what this coincidence means, just that it’s incredibly important. Continue reading

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bachelorette des episode 11 finale part II + atfr: the old love switcheroo (happens every time!)

Hey y’all, I have a balls out week so I have merely but these bullets:

  • I like the serious sit-down between Des and Chris Harrison in BIG WICKER CHAIRS.
  • There’s a lot of loud, audible sniffles being picked up on the clip-on mic.
  • Whoever did Chris Harrison’s make-up used too much green-tinted foundation.
  • Did I get this conversation wrong?

Des: My heart is broken. I don’t want to go on. Chris is relaxed and Drew is sweet but Brooks was who I truly loved and he broke my heart.

Chris Harrison: So what I hear you saying is you want to continue on?

  • Drew and Chris are good-looking. I mean I know that’s kind of a prerequisite of the show but, they’re good-looking. Oh and she gives them roses ALTHOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
  • There is a lady in the studio audience with a crazy red dress with like weird pieces hanging on each arm. And possibly wearing a wig.
  • It’s kind of disingenuous to give each remaining guy five hours to see if they can escalate to Brooks-exciting-fall-in-love level. Ready, Set, DAZZLE ME.
  • Des’s rhinestoned half tank is soooooooooooooooooo bad.
  • Drew is so crazy hot. He even takes rejection in a hot way.
  • Des looks weird in this bandeau bikini top and skirt and long torso.
  • No one ever takes me on a catamaran.
  • Ergo, I hate everyone.
  • Des is clearly wayyyyyy more into Chris. Chris called their connection “awesome”, so that’s a bummer.
  • Does Chris not know Zak already got Des a journal?
  • So apparently it only takes five hours to do a switcheroo on true love. #istandcorrected
  • What reality show did they pull Sean and Catherine out from?
  • Des’s brother is lucky he got a free trip to Antigua. Also, why is he doing all the talking?
  • Snoozefest 2013. Slow Talker Convention 2013.
  • Oh Neil Lane, you comforting presence, you.
  • I like the top of Des’s nude dress (one shoulder at least, the boob part is ill-fitting) but Chris’s good looks have kind of been a sleeper hit this season.
  • Oh Des’s speech is actually giving me tingles. It’s like tearjerker rom com stuff. Chris is making me cry. CHRIS!

ATFR

Brooks is pretty smoking in his super fitted tartan-esque suit and skinny tie. And no Drew is not rocking a waistcoat!! He doesn’t even seem gay today. Just hot. Chris and Juan Pablo WHO.

I was very skeptical, but as has happened in the past, seeing the couple’s real chemistry during ATFR helps. She does seem totally in love with him, and no one has ever doubted Chris’s intentions towards Des. So I guess we’ll see. (Not to mention I worry about an LA-obsessed girl in Seattle.)

There’s a lot of post-mortem around the internets but this is one from Jezebel is good I think: The Horror of Settling: The Bachelorette’s Emotional Pornography.

I am pretty damn excited for a Juan Pablo season. This franchise needed an electric shock. Also, his Bio makes me laugh:

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo

Age: 31
Occupation:
 Former Pro Soccer Player
Hometown:
 Barquisimeto, Venezuela
Height: 
5’11”
Shoe Size:
 11.5
Tattoos: 
1
Favorite Childhood Memory:
 Winning a youth soccer tournament
Hot-Spot Club or Low-Key Bar: 
Hot spot, because that’s where they play the danceable music.
Favorite Book: Don’t read

He doesn’t even bullshit. Doesn’t have to. Hopefully no poetry.

So want to hear what you all think! Is it January yet?

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bachelor sean finale and atfr recap: i am sensing a dumbo-themed wedding

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We’ll see.

It is sometimes a cruel, cruel, cruel world.

For example (and this is just an example) Slingbox inexplicably didn’t tape the finale and iTunes inexplicably did not have it available for purchase the next day. I was a ball of nerves Tuesday. I had to watch this morning.

Why me, Mike Fleiss? Why me?

Sooooo in four days we are moving from London back to the US. Therefore, if it’s kewlwhichyou, I’m gonna just stick to the top line comments on the episode. Can’t wait to hear what you guys think.

“Live” 3-hour finale

  • This doesn’t even make sense. So because a bunch of people are watching something previously taped now, it makes the finale “live”? Ugh.

Sean’s Family Meets Catherine

  • Sean: “Nobody knows me better than my family.” And he seems like he means it. One in a million.
  • Sean’s family arrives so let’s do roll call: Adorable niece and nephew? Check. Skinny and gorgeous mom? Check.  Skinny and gorgeous sister? Check. Strong, silent, handsome brother-in-law? Check. Bald and be-speckled possibly-closeted dad? Check.
  • Sean: “You’re going to meet Catherine today. She’s weird and funny.” No one’s gonna let this weird/nerd thing die, huh?
  • Mom: “If you’re going to propose it would seem you should be sure by now which one.” Oh hahahahahahahaaha.
  • Catherine’s vertical-striped graphic dress is a major high point for me in the episode.
  • Shay also of course brings it with her perfect loose bright green shirt and chunky hot pink bracelet, plus she gives a nice quick toast at lunch. Imagine gaining her as your sister-in-law?! If you want a play-by-play of her family’s trip to Thailand to meet the final two girls, check out her blog.
  • It seemed to me like when skeptical mom Sherry was finally sold on Catherine during their chat together, her Southern accent came out stronger.
  • Dad Jay is probably talking Jesus but it’s been edited out. Jay: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend.” (Creepy?) “If it’s you that Sean ends marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I will love you like my daughter.” “I just met you and that’s what’s cool about it. Sometimes you just know.” “We can’t wait to get you back to meet the gang.”
  • Please adopt me. PLEASE.

Sean’s Family Meets Lindsay

  • Sean receives Lindsay from Van 17 more like she’s the one he wants.
  • It’s a laugh-a-minute with Lindsay on the couch and Sean’s family gathered around.
  • I feel like Dad Jay (did he sneak a hot pink tee under his button-down?) is asking questions like he’s a marriage counselor. It’s the pastor in him. “On the day Sean was born… we began on that day praying for his wife.” (Creepy??) “Sometimes when you look in someone’s eyes, like yours, you wonder is that the one I have been praying for all these years? If it is, I couldn’t be more happy.”
  • Lindsay after that, just like Catherine did when Jay spoke his pastory words right into her heart. Jay may have a heart of gold and the gift of sermoning, but now I know where Sean gets his ability to two-time from! Just because it’s delivered with grace doesn’t make the message less of a lead-on!
  • Lindsay gets Sherry’s blessing because she has the right “value” which I think is a euphemism for Loving the Lord.
  • Sherry: “You’re just a wonderful, sweet, YOUNG woman.” This adjective may have been emphasized because Lindsay used her baby voice in front of the family.
  • Lindsay gives a head massage while she kisses Sean. That’s a good idea. Note to self.
  • Sean looks like he’s going to cry when she leaves in the van.
  • Mom is the voice of reason. “You don’t want to propose to anyone feeling pressure.” Sean says he wants Mom’s support, not really her opinion. Mom cries, she’s so worried. I start crying, because I’m a mom and I have sons and… but wait, what is it? Am I worried one of my kids might go on the Bachelor? Knowing their preordained heights, I think we’re all clear.
  • (Also, the camera people are lurking in the jungle brush behind them.) Continue reading

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bachelor sean episode 4 recap: your mouth is telling me no, but your forehead craters are telling me yes, yes, YES

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Let’s pull a Tonya Harding on Amanda.

Hello Chris B Harrison in your on-trend wine-colored button down. No wonder you are starting a fashion line.

The obligatory nekked shot of Sean is this time of him getting ready in the mirror and then looking for something to wear in his closet. These scenes are always gross and remind of a really depressing Chippendales experience. Like, all the sad sack groups of gnarly ladies are hootin’ and hollerin’ and all the classy broads are skeeved out. I wasn’t a fan of Fifty Shades of Gray but I am pretty sure one of the takeaways is that maybe deep down women like their turn-ons with a hefty side of not-that-obvious. Sean’s glistening hairless ab intros are bordering on homoerotic to me. I hope someone is enjoying it because it’s not me.

Let’s Turn Up the Heat date with Selma

Selma is so excited to hear her date read from the card, she skips out of the room. Tierra shoots daggers from her eyes (figuratively – although no doubt she would literally shoot them if she had the capability). Leslie H also inexplicably cries.

In the limo it’s cute that Selma and Sean are playing handsies. So cute I don’t get too miffed when Selma casually mentions she’s 110 lbs. Honestly, you don’t get on this show with any type of BMI in the normal range so I don’t see why anyone even raised an eyebrow over on Twitter.

Selma’s hot yoga outfit is too boring for a private jet. Oh well. She is being funny when she mock-complains that “They took the Iraqi to a desert.”

Oh look, they’re at Joshua Tree National Park! I love Joshua Tree. Do you want to hear the story about me driving cross-country with two friends in the summer of 1998? No? Fine. Screw you.

The couple goes rock climbing and just sort of scales a humongous cliff face like it’s no bigs. Sean keeps saying “you’re doing good“. Ugh. Wait, can you just never rock climb ever in your life and then just do that? Does anyone know? How is Selma’s make-up flawless at the top and neither has a bead of sweat?

The nighttime part of the date is like a mini RV park with cutesy glamping campers. Blakeley and Tony already did a version of this and it was more romantic because it led to their five-second engagement. Selma is also dressed all wrong with a long dress and leather blazer coat and bejeweled bejewels.

But more importantly Selma is gazing at Sean adoringly – with ravenous intentions – but then says “you’re going to find an incredible girl” or something. I don’t understand that comment at all. Selma then creates some major blue balls with the news that she grew up in a strict Muslim Arabic home and that dating is basically forbidden and kissing is forbidden. What is not forbidden however, is bikini beach volleyball, bare shoulders, major stroking and eye sex.

Sean gives her the rose. Continue reading

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bachelor pad 3 finale: an emotional banana sandwich

Blakeley’s words, not mine. Moving on-

You might think what bothers me about this photo is how staged it looks or how humongous my arms look or just overall how I look like a fleshy, 80 year-old gnocchi roller but you would be wrong. So, very, wrong. The only thing that bothers me about this photo is that you can’t see the matching t-shirts we’re wearing:

Alright, so any possible commentary that can be made on Monday’s night The Most Amazing Finale of Any Bachelor Franchise-Related Season Ever can be divided into only two categories:

  1. The Ending
  2. Everything that Should Have Been Discussed In The Episode that Was Not

It’s what I want to do, and yet I feel compelled to start from the beginning.

The show generally opens will an introduction of each person from the house so the audience can cheer. Lindzi is way too tan and my hope and prayer is that it is natural (like she just got back from the Bahamas) and not spray. No one cheered for Jamie at all! At all. She is a kook for sure, but that’s harsh. She’s just Krazy, not Mean.  Yikes. I am sure it was just her bizarro outfit a la Forever 21 earrings that are so 2010 and the weird bedazzled Native American-like headpiece that Paris Hilton kept trying to unsuccessfully bring into fashion and worst of all: the mysterious markings at the outer lower corner of each eye that if I didn’t know Jamie better, would think were tattooed tears for all the brothers she shanked. But I do know Jamie, and therefore I know it was just another unfortunate life decision to do some weird make-up application in a life overflowing with very bad decisions.

Also, Erica Rose looks better than usual. And my gosh is my jury out on her. Some days I love her dry delivery and blunt tongue and almost-stoned way of being a trust find baby. Other days I find her a vile has-been. But she does look better than usual. Which isn’t necessarily a compliment.

We learn Lindzi and Kalon are “still going”. But then Erica Rose – never one to miss an opportunity to stoke the long burning fires of her feud with Kalon – drops the bomb that Kalon has still been seen around town with some other ladiez. Kalon doesn’t deny it and Lindzi can’t think of a response fast enough and Erica Rose just seems generally pleased. Which, to be honest, she often seems on these shows.

Michael in the Hot Seat

There is some scene recapping of Michael’s sometime glory as supposed puppetmaster of the house and the game.

Oh snap. The producers show a clip never aired during the season where Michael tells Erica Rose he likes dating Rachel in the house but can’t see dating her out of the house. Because it turns out after the house, Michael dissed Rachel because “she was falling in love and [he] wasn’t feeling it”. Michael used to be such a good guy and so I am surprised he can’t be a little more forthcoming with the details about how exactly he went from being obsessed with her (which yes, we all witnessed) to totally over it. Jaclyn is all defensive of Rachel which means we know they’re not mortal enemies anymore even though Rachel didn’t bring Jaclyn into the final four. One outstanding question down.

Jaclyn in the Hot Seat

Jaclyn gets to re-live two awesome things via clip montage: (1) her unrequited love for Ed; and (2) her betrayal when her in-love best friend Rachel did not pick her to go the finals. Forgive and never forget, says Jaclyn. Jaclyn also says, incidentally, she controlled the game, not Michael. I can’t disagree. It’s highly possible. Jaclyn has really toyed with my emotions this season. Is her true persona the skank that lit into Shawntel on Ben’s season or is it the loyal friend, fun girl and decent game player from BP3? We’ll never know, until she’s back for BP4.

Blakeley in the Hot Seat

Blakeley’s kind of awesome. In my recollection she has never made one gratuitously mean comment about anyone. She might come off like a promiscuous tarantula but in the same way you can hold and pet a tarantula. She’s soft and fuzzy, ya know?

Her and Tony holding hands is the sweetest thing about this episode. I need to retract my negativity towards Tony from Emily’s season. He strikes me as a good guy. I know they get made fun of for stereotypical WT things, but I don;t buy that classist shit. Blakeley and Tony have never come off as dumb or naive or any less fierce and competitive than the rest of the forgettable middle class yokels that populated the season. I don’t think for one second their proposal will last even a couple months, but the falling in love part was totally genuine and super sweet to witness.

Chris Harrison called Blakeley an “honorable woman” and I think that’s really nice of him to point out and totally true. I am tearing a little bit when Blakeley waxes on about Tony. (Did you get that word play? That was awesome! I’m awesome!)

Tony gets up on stage and announces they’re moving in together in Portland, Oregon. And then he proposes! I am sure he did it that way because they got a free Neil Lane ring out of the deal, but I do wish Blakeley had been actually looking at him a little more. Whatever. You know they went back to the hotel and did it like 10 times. With props. Continue reading

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bachelor ben finale and ATFR recap: oh my dad, you’ll never believe who ben chose

You're my forever(ish).

Of course we all knew all along who Ben was going to choose, but because I pride myself on managing to avoid all spoilers being hurled in my face, there are only two ways I finally knew how it would all conclude: 1. That Courtney was allowed to show up at last week’s WTA and pimp her fake apologies, and 2. That I had no emails from friends and family when I woke up this morning.

Happy Tuesday!

Actually it is pretty happy. This particular season ending is a huge weight off my shoulder. Although I will miss my son’s British accent when he says “Bachelor”. He gets so excited when the show is on. #myfault

But before I gloat that I am cleansing myself of Ben + Courtney = True Love Always, we might as well for old time’s sake blog about it one more time. Whaddya say? Tonight Hubs came home a bit late, and I was annoyed because we had to turn the flat upside down for family coming into town tomorrow. I heard him before I saw him and when I looked up in the doorway, a lone red rose was peeking out past the door. One long solitary rose on a stem. And then he burst forward exclaiming “Happy Bachelor Finale!” I die. Thank you loyal blog reader, great friend and Most Pukey Prego Ever, Erin, for making my husband do that. You are a credit to this franchise.

On to the show! It’s kind of nice to see a finale set in snowy mountains, rather than a tropical destination. I am appreciating this change of pace. There are less bikinis, so there’s that.

Chris Harrison’s voiceover proclaims this “The most controversial finale in Bachelor history.” I give credit to the production team who finally came up with a new adjective after a decade. But to be fair, dramatic would have been a bold-faced lie.

Ben races to Zermatt, Switzerland on a train with dramatic music lending a certain flourish to the affair. We see the Swiss Alps. The Matterhorn. Ben says: “Monumental mountain. Monumental moment… I have two women who I am madly in love with.” I think he says that. Is it possible he is lying so seriously already?

Lindzi: Lights up a room.

Courtney: I still have concerns.

While Ben pretends he has a difficult decision at hand, the season’s theme song by David Gray plays. I think it’s worth a look at the lyrics.

The Matterhorn gives Ben hope. I don’t care about Ben but I do want to fly to Switzerland immediately. But first, his mom and sister arrive and it makes Ben want to cry. He loves and misses them, and he clearly is very close to them. They make him feel like “home” and like his “back-up has arrived.”

Ben describes the girls to his mom and sis to prepare them for the meetings. He actually has to mention that Courtney was a bit of a troublemaker when sister Julia asks if there was anyone in the house who none of the other girls liked. Considering that’s a weird question when it’s down to two, and one I have never seen a family member ask before, I am going to give Julia props for being well-coached by a producer.

Lindzi with Ben’s family

We might as well keep this short. Which is easy because all the signs point to Not Going to Happen. Ben and Lindzi are happy to see each other but I just don’t see the wow factor of laying your eyes again on the person you’re head over heels for. Lindzi is nervous and fumbly (does she sense her demise is imminent?). Ben is not even bothering to sell her.

The only interesting part of the interview process and contrived lunch is when sister Julia uses her alone time with Lindzi to ask for the scoop on Courtney. If Julia thought Lindzi even had a remote chance of winning she would try to get to know her future sister-in-law, but still it’s got my attention. Lindzi comes off as a master of diplomacy. Her biggest knock on Courtney is to say they are very different from one another. As my childminder says: “Lindzi hasn’t slagged her off!” That’s right. Lindzi is a beacon of civility. And proof that she and Courtney really are incredibly different. (In fact, ever the frontrunner but never one to miss an opportunity to shit-talk, later when asked about her pretend competition, Courtney accuses Lindzi of having no depth.)

Julia thinks Lindzi would fit right in and Mom says Lindzi is a lovely person. They totally did a good job reading their cue cards. Continue reading

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