It feels so disorienting to watch Bachelor Pad on US soil, when it airs. The commercials are what’s throwing me off. They’re breaking up the flow of crazy and schemin’.
I was highly anticipating this episode. I mean, when have the producers ever, in the glorious “history” of this franchise, ended an episode with a cliffhanger? They’re up to something by beginning the episode with the rose ceremony from last week. Jake makes a little speech about how everyone needs to take out the power couples and then yet again blows smoke up Vienna and Kasey’s asses. Vienna and Kasey meanwhile will obviously use their favorite aphrodisiac to make a BEELINE to the boom boom room.
KICK ROCKS. It’s Kasey’s favorite expression. He is filled with expressions. Actually, that’s just sort of everything on earth I can think of to say about Kasey. He is filled with expressions.
Anyway, so now I am annoyed. Because there is nothing dramatic about the rose ceremony where Jake exits and makes a little useless speech that merited saving it for another week. Yet another example of how the producers of this show grossly miscalculatewhat its viewers find riveting.
Also a fail: Chris Harrison’s grey t-shirt and pink button-down combo.
Kissing Contest challenge
Michelle Money is not doing the kissing contest because she wants to be a good example to her 6 year-old at home. Hopefully her 6 year-old will aspire instead to emulate the time her mom dry humped and tongue-raped Brad in a string bikini on the beach during a Sports Illustrated photo shoot.
Blake is excited to have his first kiss with Holly. The doctor is in. He said it, not me.
William is thoughtful and just gives Holly a peck since Michael is there. The other guys follow suit.
Michael gets a shit-eating grin after he kisses Holly but then lives a nightmare (his words) watching Blake and his “motion of the ocean.” Blake just did it up with all the girls. He had a baby-making kiss with Ella (her words). Look, he is in it to win it.
Erica reminds us for the umpteenth time she maintains her lips with injections. Every six months, in case you were wondering. I wonder if the makers of Restylane are psyched she is the unofficial spokesperson.
There is so much serious music drama with Holly and Blake doing it up in the kissing contest.
Ella and Blake get a majority of the votes. Ella’s got great lips. Blake’s got really white teeth. Everybody’s happy.
Future is Up in the Air date with Ella
Red Ferrari. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. The car makes William wish he had been more of a man-whore during the kissing contest.
Ella and Kirk are cute. His perma-red face is cute. Kirk has to tell his mold sickness story again when explaining why he wants to win the money. Ella has a dad or someone who shot her mom in front of her and her sister. That trumps mold, I am sorry. Domestic violence and murder for the win!
Hot Air Balloon Kiss ensues.
Back at the house
Erica has a plan to get a new partner and takes Blake away from “that crazy girl”. Because Erica is sane. She gives Blake a big, greasy massage with her big melon boobs. I will give her credit for scrambling into action following the ouster of her team partner. But she is as delusional as the delusional chick (Melissa) she makes fun of.
And then we learn…ERICA IS IN LAW SCHOOL. That’s weird. I all of the sudden feel awkward about my own degree.
Love is a Slippery Slope date with Blake
Melissa is excited that Blake won the date because “last night they made up for the 4th time.” (Only Melissa would think the need for four make-up discussions is normal.) But Blake wants to take Holly on the date. Although he has to weigh that this would cause Melissa to become Mount St. Helens. When Blake makes his big announcement that he is choosing Holly and not Crazy Melissa or Wacky Erica, his excuse is to “not play the game linear and to think outside the box”. And by out of the box, he means in inside his pants.
And Mount St. Helens really does erupt. Melissa says she would rather “be alone forever” than feel this way. Um, I am pretty certain Melissa, you will be alone forever. No offense.
Also, Melissa got her hair and nails did in anticipation of the date she was certain she would win with the guy she had her 4th make-up discussion with. She stirs her yogurt with the maniacal energy of Hurricane Irene when it was Category 2 over the Bahamas. I throw up in my throat a little bit when I see Crazycakes is wearing a London, England sweatshirt. NO! You are NOT allowed to be associated with my country of residence.
Melissa’s tirade is so tiresome it is making me miss Vienna and Kasey screen time. That’s how desperate I am. Meanwhile, Melissa wants to bend Blake’s ear but he’s using his electric toothbrush for exactly 60 seconds. As a good dentist does.
I almost can’t wait for the ATFR episode.
Holly looks good for her date with Blake. And the two lovebirds take off in a private jet. To Monmouth ski resort. Where Holly gets to maximize her giggle skeelz. Even if her ski bunny outfit inexplicably does not match (come on, show stylists!). Poor Michael. Holly says, on camera, that this is her best date ever. And she’s never had so much fun in her life. Sigh sigh sigh. Even if she and Michael do get back together, those are hard words to overcome.
A burning log fire on the slope follows and Blake gives Holly a rose. Which is juxtaposed with-
Michael is hurting that the love of his life is off on a date with another man. He is staring into a burning fire at the mansion, bare-chested. Cue Fire 1. Now cue Fire 2. What does it all mean???!
Holly and Blake stay on an overnight date (can we discuss why they were the only people who got offered an overnight? Could it be that the producers are trying to wrastle up some drama?). The Poet Blake actually falters in his wordsmithness and comes up with a cheesy line about reexamining the evidence of Holly’s kissing technique before going in for a kiss. This cutting back and forth between fires reminds me of a soap opera. I wish Bachelor Pad was a soap opera. So I could watch it e v e r y d a y of my life.
The morning after…
Michael missed Holly. She is irreplaceable and Michael is falling back in love with her. Holly is confused. She admits she kissed Blake. True love triangle. I actually feel bad for sad and confused Holly.
Sorry to be repetitive but it’s WEIRD to watch an episode of this show not commandeered by Vienna and Kasey shat.
Kasey’s sneaky strategy is that he needs the money for his grandma to live (Really? A grandma excuse? REALLY?). And wants people to promise on their lives. This game is life and death, yo.
Meanwhile, Michael is “fighting fire with fire” and takes Holly on a backyard date. I am distracted with Holly’s seriously sloppy hair extensions.
Graham who hasn’t spoken all show makes me laugh out loud when he says Melissa drains the life out of him and he would leave the show if he had to partner with her. Agree. Hurricane Melissa is busy making her rounds around the house. I can’t keep track of her weird, frenetic, frantic shouty strategy demands. Michael says it well when he says Melissa is unaware of how to deal with this game. Kasey is just worried Melissa is going to cut his nuts off. Quotable quotes aplenty.
There is zero drama in this show. It’s never Kasey and Vienna to go home. WE’LL NEVER BELIEVE YOUR DUMB EDITING, PRODUCERS.
William is cute and his flat, midwestern accent is cute and I’m sorry he was allowed so little dialogue this season.
Melissa even makes me nervous so I am happy to see her go.
Michelle is hysterical crying (as they say on Long Island) because William is salt of the earth and she is sorry to see him go. The voiceover says this while Michelle is hugging Vienna tightly. So it makes me think she is not actually equipped to evaluate salt of the earth.
Melissa in the rejection limo = UGLY CRY. Oh my holy. That is the ugliest cry I have ever seen in my life. If you still have the show DVRed, go to that part and look at her chin!!
Nearlywed Game next week. Blake’s dentist smile is dazzling or upsetting everyone, I can’t follow.
Dancing with the Stars REVEAL
I have never seen this show in my life. Don’t care.