The past month of the world’s greatest television franchise in a nutshell (but a very big nut. like a walnut shell, not an almond. wait, is an almond a nut or a seed?):
Clint: “I’m best best best best friends with JJ. We’ve become very very very very close.” (4 repeating adjectives each time. I counted.)
Kaitlyn on Clint: “I liked you. I don’t trust you. Let’s say goodbye.”
JJ in the most exciting 180 shift in the show’s history: “Clint, you owe everyone an apology for taking emotional capital from the room.” (or something)
Then they have a weird close face lovers quarrel.
Clint jumps in the exit vehicle, and JJ stays behind and bawls.
Please, please, please, please (4 times) if there is a higher power, hear my prayer and let this be the focus of the Men Tell All.
There is a rap battle spearheaded by Doug E Fresh (whom, no doubt, has been paid handsomely) and JJ shares that “I have listened to zero rap; I listen to Broadway show tunes regularly.” Contextual clue now making me realize I was silly to assume during the Clint drama JJ might be closeted. Phew, close one.
This rap battle is mostly notable for the fact that NICK VIALL and Ashley Iacone (where from and why did she emerge?) came to watch and then hang out in the lobby afterward, thus completely re-directing the show’s arc for the remainder of the season. In retrospect, I can’t say I am sorry Nick came back to crash the season but he does have an inexplicable number of social media haters.
The guys then all flip out the Nick is joining the cast: No one more than Joshua with the Frog Voice (because frogs talk) and Shawn Gosling.
Kaitlyn gets her hair done by ASHLEY ONION from Farmer Chris’ season, who looks and acts more intelligible than we remember and who is appropriately being cross-promoted for the upcoming Bachelor in Paradise cast.
There aren’t that many helicopters this season but Jared gets to go on one on his date and he also gets to wear a tux and I forget what they do but I remember that he’s handsome. You know, his angular face can be hit or miss but I think it errs on the side of handsome. And I’m the boss of good looks. (Have you met me?!)
There is this group date at the theatre where Aladdin is on in LA and it’s maybe, I can’t remember, where we first get exposed to how arrogant and delusional Ian from Princeton is: “I’m a man of many talents and want to showcase one of them.” Of course, he’s not even a good singer.
Gratuitous boring conversation between Britt and Brady juxtaposed.
Because there is no god, and life is all random, and we’re just a mass of space trash hurling into the sun to obliterate us for all our sins and for being mortal and for being stupid and because everyone hates me and no one wants me to enjoy my life, it turns out that this show is pretty scripted. So now, even trash-talking contestants doesn’t feel as fulfilling. As I alluded to, life no longer has purpose.
That said, here is my lackluster attempt to derive joy from hating: Continue reading