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bachelorette kaitlyn I think LA to San Antonio to Ireland to Utah (or something): to be continued

I could not have seen this coming.

I could not have seen this coming.

The past month of the world’s greatest television franchise in a nutshell (but a very big nut. like a walnut shell, not an almond. wait, is an almond a nut or a seed?):

Clint: “I’m best best best best friends with JJ. We’ve become very very very very close.” (4 repeating adjectives each time. I counted.)
Kaitlyn on Clint: “I liked you. I don’t trust you. Let’s say goodbye.”
JJ in the most exciting 180 shift in the show’s history: “Clint, you owe everyone an apology for taking emotional capital from the room.” (or something)
Then they have a weird close face lovers quarrel.
Clint jumps in the exit vehicle, and JJ stays behind and bawls.

Please, please, please, please (4 times) if there is a higher power, hear my prayer and let this be the focus of the Men Tell All.

There is a rap battle spearheaded by Doug E Fresh (whom, no doubt, has been paid handsomely) and JJ shares that “I have listened to zero rap; I listen to Broadway show tunes regularly.” Contextual clue now making me realize I was silly to assume during the Clint drama JJ might be closeted. Phew, close one.

This rap battle is mostly notable for the fact that NICK VIALL and Ashley Iacone (where from and why did she emerge?) came to watch and then hang out in the lobby afterward, thus completely re-directing the show’s arc for the remainder of the season. In retrospect, I can’t say I am sorry Nick came back to crash the season but he does have an inexplicable number of social media haters.

The guys then all flip out the Nick is joining the cast: No one more than Joshua with the Frog Voice (because frogs talk) and Shawn Gosling.

Kaitlyn gets her hair done by ASHLEY ONION from Farmer Chris’ season, who looks and acts more intelligible than we remember and who is appropriately being cross-promoted for the upcoming Bachelor in Paradise cast.

There aren’t that many helicopters this season but Jared gets to go on one on his date and he also gets to wear a tux and I forget what they do but I remember that he’s handsome. You know, his angular face can be hit or miss but I think it errs on the side of handsome. And I’m the boss of good looks. (Have you met me?!)

There is this group date at the theatre where Aladdin is on in LA and it’s maybe, I can’t remember, where we first get exposed to how arrogant and delusional Ian from Princeton is: “I’m a man of many talents and want to showcase one of them.” Of course, he’s not even a good singer.

Gratuitous boring conversation between Britt and Brady juxtaposed.

Because there is no god, and life is all random, and we’re just a mass of space trash hurling into the sun to obliterate us for all our sins and for being mortal and for being stupid and because everyone hates me and no one wants me to enjoy my life, it turns out that this show is pretty scripted. So now, even trash-talking contestants doesn’t feel as fulfilling. As I alluded to, life no longer has purpose.

That said, here is my lackluster attempt to derive joy from hating: Continue reading

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bachelorette andi finale: it might be incest, but it was romantic

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I am so shocked you are proposing and it’s a gigantic Neil Lane ring! – Andi feigns

Hey everybody, we’ve reached the end. And true to form, The Bacheor/ette has reeled me back in. They give good finale, what can I say.

Nick with Andi’s family

Nick brought Hy whiskey or something. Hy being the most famous dad in the show’s franchise. But in retrospect, any dad on Earth that could have sniffed out that Juan Pablo would be possibly the single worst mate for a daughter, is just doing his god-given responsibilities. Although wasn’t it cute that Hy said his soul job in life was Rachel, Andi, and Patti? So cute. Why do you think Rachel had to have a less-cutesy name? Why do we think of her cute husband’s kind of randomly burgeoning side curls? Maybe payot coming?

Mom and Dad both commented privately on how nervous and non-demonstrative Nick was. Yes it’s weird to be THAT nervous, but I guess also nice because it means he gets that he has something good to lose. And the non-physicality thing- I mean, that’s just showing respect.

“Nick sees [Andi’s] entire soul.” Sister Rachel has a turtle tattoo on her back.

Nick asked for Hy’s blessing and he sort of, actually, kind of, gave it! I am actually shocked. Hy says it would be in total support of Nick and Andi together and Nick would be a great son-in-law.

Josh with Andi’s family

Hy decides before he meets Josh that he’s just an athlete type. At least Josh is physically demonstrative when he comes in, and I don’t know why they think it’s “chaotic” that Josh is outgoing, friendly, and nervously sweating. I think they are just pro-Nick. But also, I don’t know why Josh has to have his shirt unbuttoned soooo far down when meeting the love-of-his-life’s father.

Rachel and her husband quiz Josh. Then it’s Hy’s turn. And he comes out the same! No reservations about Josh and can see him as a son-in-law.

Last Date with Josh

Yacht across the Caribbean. Josh is kind, confident, funny, and easy on the eyes. Not my type, but all around a more decent guy than he clearly gets stereotyped for. They frolic and have fun on the boat and Josh seems really funny and they snorkel and the usual yachtiness ensues.

They have some wine that night. Josh’s uncooked salmon-colored trousers are good. Twitter may not like them, but I did. Andi, as usual, is expressing doubts about the realness of her and Josh and if it’s too good to be true, and what’s next after their infatuated phase. He doesn’t really answer the question, but has that ever stopped anyone on this show?

JOSH MAKES ANDI HER OWN BASEBALL CARD.

All kinds of cute, y’all. Beats a collage or poem any day.

Last Date with Nick

Offroading. Private beach with picnic. Picnic = 3 pieces of fruit and a knife. Do these people wear crazy DEET? I would have to be inside a full body mosquito net.

That night, Nick is like “welcome to my resort suite. I lit these 650 pillar candles myself.”

Also he is wearing the same 3/4 sleeve baseball raglan my husband has from Urban Outfitters. I don’t know what this coincidence means, just that it’s incredibly important. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi hometowns: an unfortunate dearth of awkward family moments

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Cheers! It’s almost over!

First things first: I know who gets the boot because Twitter. Ugh.

Nick’s Hometown: Milwaukee

Nick’s most favorite place in the city is the Public Market. Andi would not wear the cheesehead thing and say Let’s Go Packers. Brewery date = always solid. And then they polka to klezmer music. I finally have Midwest friends in my life, so, I get it. This part of the country is awesome. Except for the no-coasts things.

Now they head to met Nick’s very large family. Wait, how many siblings? Why couldn’t brother Sam make it? Sister Maria’s opinion matters the most. Andi’s serious listening face is very frowny. Also, Nick has a verrry little sister, Bella. There is some Duggar sh*t going on here. Mom has had 17 kids and looks crazy young with a rad haircut and still wears some fierce boots! I have two kids, and it’s frump city around here. Sad face.

Chris’ Hometown: Arlington, Iowa

Population: 758. PASS!

Soooo I don’t even need to watch this segment to know Andi will never live here, or anywhere near a farm. But maybe The Pioneer Woman has a different opinion.

You know how Andi says: “Shut. Up. Shuuuuuut. Up.” when something is fun or surprising to her? It’s the worst. Chris drives a combine or tractor, or whatever it is. Even though the promo made it seem like Chris tells Andi she could be a homemaker in Iowa, it turns out he follows it quickly with, she could be a DA in Cedar Rapids. That was unnecessarily provocative, ABC.

Chris gets a cropduster plane to carry “Chris Loves Andi” banner above them. She calls it “sweet” so uh oh.

Then they head to mom and dad’s house. I love when people squeal when the Bachelor/ette walks in. My in-laws definitely did not squeal when they met me for the first time.

Poor, sweet mom seems worried that Chris might move out of Iowa. All the adult siblings went and played Ghost in the Graveyard. It would be cool if this turned into a horror movie. Do you think all the cameramen will give away their location?

Josh’s Hometown: Tampa

Tampa is one of those places I don’t believe people are from. Whatever, Tampa.

What is Josh’s current job? Why are we not allowed to know? They go play baseball on Josh’s old baseball diamond stomping grounds. Andi broke a bat, which is all kinds of awesome.

Josh: “My whole life I dreamed of going to the Hall of Fame, and then I realized what was important in life.” Long story short, Josh and the entire family are focused on getting the youngest, Aaron, drafted to the NFL. A connected theme is that Josh’s family is all very inter-connected and, foreshadowing, can they all handle going their separate ways?

Parents are predictably attractive. Wondering if sister Stephanie plays professional sports. Josh loves his pit bull (?) Sable. This family is very close. I cannot say anything snarky about that. Andi does not seem as happy about this. Dad: “You marry a family. We’re a unit.” But the younger sibs are more normal about Josh marrying and moving on. And then they all attractively play touch football as best friends in the backyard. This is similar to my family. Except for none of it. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi week 7: scarves

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Sorry I’m not sorry.

There are too many jaunty neck scarves for me.

Let’s cut to the chase. I don’t even remember this season is still going (tonight my husband had to tell me), and you don’t read this. Soooo, let’s not waste precious time we could be searching for GIFs, and we’ll just recap via word association:

Brussels (sprouts)

Melting Pot because French, Dutch, and Flemish

Scarves

Marcus Gosling is so hot

Nick = Deep V

Bad selfie

Mussels

Journaling

Nose crinkle

Dope dress

Andi’s “listening” face

Deadbeat dad

No hotel on Earth gives a key card to a fake husband not listed on the room manifest.

Manifest

Skeev City

Passion

Tree kissing

Duck/Goose parade Continue reading

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bachelorette andi weeks 5 and 6: palaces and gondolas, y’all

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Our love is like an attack of flying rats.

I keep forgetting this show even airs. I am so disappointed in myself.

The one thing I will say about this Least Dramatic Season of The Bachelorette Ever is that I realllllly like the guys. When they showed scenes from the last 3 years, I mean weeks, I was thinking that I would totally date like a number of these guys. And I mean we can all agree: I am the barometer.

Pause: Isn’t it weird we have never spoken about how Ron’s friend died and he left the show? Un-pause.

MARSEILLE, FRANCE

If this was an accurate portrayal of France (why has Andi never been there before?), there would be a lot of chain-smoking and mediocre street quiche.

Voyons si notre amour peut tenir le cap … date with Josh

I minored in French in college and have no idea what the date card says.

Chris Harrison sits down at an outdoor cafe with Andi and asks her if she’s fallen in love and she says Yes, with more than one person/man.

Cue: date with Josh. It wouldn’t be a good Euro cinematic shot without some laundry hanging on a line out the window. They walk around Marseilles, get some sammies, say Merci and board a boat and discuss Josh’s jock past while striking a Titanic pose.

Josh claims he stopped playing professional baseball because he wanted a family.

I have nothing to say.

Their boat stops somewhere in the Calanques rocky hilly formation and it’s the off-season so they’re wearing sweaters in the wind and talking more about Josh’s jock past. Andi doesn’t make eye contact when they talk. Andi claims she is gun shy now because of Juan Pablo, ie hot jock = the wrong match.

Meanwhile the guys are sitting the hotel talking about why Andrew is a bad guy. 1. the phone number from the waitress incident 2. at a Rose Ceremony Andrew said something like “wow, she have a rose to the two Blackies.” Even if he said “Black guys,” that is super inappropriate, embarrassing, and pathetic. Blackie? I’m sorry, JJ, I don’t believe that even lose cleft chin guy used a word last heard in 1951. Marquel is smart enough to know this is hearsay.

Marquel cries into the camera and basically in few words imparts to the millions watching the painful reality of living and breathing racism directed at you daily. I am not sure there has been a more authentic or poignant moment ever in this series, and since I read Twitter spoilers, it looks like all around it’s not Marquel’s night.

Dinner for Andi and Josh is inside a castle? I actually don’t know – all European buildings look like castles. This could be the DMV for all we know.

Andi is bitching that she doesn’t yet have an emotional, mental connection with Josh. I think she is over-thinking it because honestly, Josh has been willing to talk about anything Andi brings up. It’s not like JP where he grins and then starts french kissing. PUN. ?

They’re just two kids from Atlanta, y’all. Rose.

Gross,  they go dance to a private concert by someone- who cares. Private concerts are the new helicopter.

[blank] group date

The boyz II men gather in a Marseilles square and head to a dance studio to learn how to MIME. A good French stereotype, so why not.

The thing about the white face paint is it brings out the yellow in the teeth. Continue reading

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bachelor pad 3 finale: an emotional banana sandwich

Blakeley’s words, not mine. Moving on-

You might think what bothers me about this photo is how staged it looks or how humongous my arms look or just overall how I look like a fleshy, 80 year-old gnocchi roller but you would be wrong. So, very, wrong. The only thing that bothers me about this photo is that you can’t see the matching t-shirts we’re wearing:

Alright, so any possible commentary that can be made on Monday’s night The Most Amazing Finale of Any Bachelor Franchise-Related Season Ever can be divided into only two categories:

  1. The Ending
  2. Everything that Should Have Been Discussed In The Episode that Was Not

It’s what I want to do, and yet I feel compelled to start from the beginning.

The show generally opens will an introduction of each person from the house so the audience can cheer. Lindzi is way too tan and my hope and prayer is that it is natural (like she just got back from the Bahamas) and not spray. No one cheered for Jamie at all! At all. She is a kook for sure, but that’s harsh. She’s just Krazy, not Mean.  Yikes. I am sure it was just her bizarro outfit a la Forever 21 earrings that are so 2010 and the weird bedazzled Native American-like headpiece that Paris Hilton kept trying to unsuccessfully bring into fashion and worst of all: the mysterious markings at the outer lower corner of each eye that if I didn’t know Jamie better, would think were tattooed tears for all the brothers she shanked. But I do know Jamie, and therefore I know it was just another unfortunate life decision to do some weird make-up application in a life overflowing with very bad decisions.

Also, Erica Rose looks better than usual. And my gosh is my jury out on her. Some days I love her dry delivery and blunt tongue and almost-stoned way of being a trust find baby. Other days I find her a vile has-been. But she does look better than usual. Which isn’t necessarily a compliment.

We learn Lindzi and Kalon are “still going”. But then Erica Rose – never one to miss an opportunity to stoke the long burning fires of her feud with Kalon – drops the bomb that Kalon has still been seen around town with some other ladiez. Kalon doesn’t deny it and Lindzi can’t think of a response fast enough and Erica Rose just seems generally pleased. Which, to be honest, she often seems on these shows.

Michael in the Hot Seat

There is some scene recapping of Michael’s sometime glory as supposed puppetmaster of the house and the game.

Oh snap. The producers show a clip never aired during the season where Michael tells Erica Rose he likes dating Rachel in the house but can’t see dating her out of the house. Because it turns out after the house, Michael dissed Rachel because “she was falling in love and [he] wasn’t feeling it”. Michael used to be such a good guy and so I am surprised he can’t be a little more forthcoming with the details about how exactly he went from being obsessed with her (which yes, we all witnessed) to totally over it. Jaclyn is all defensive of Rachel which means we know they’re not mortal enemies anymore even though Rachel didn’t bring Jaclyn into the final four. One outstanding question down.

Jaclyn in the Hot Seat

Jaclyn gets to re-live two awesome things via clip montage: (1) her unrequited love for Ed; and (2) her betrayal when her in-love best friend Rachel did not pick her to go the finals. Forgive and never forget, says Jaclyn. Jaclyn also says, incidentally, she controlled the game, not Michael. I can’t disagree. It’s highly possible. Jaclyn has really toyed with my emotions this season. Is her true persona the skank that lit into Shawntel on Ben’s season or is it the loyal friend, fun girl and decent game player from BP3? We’ll never know, until she’s back for BP4.

Blakeley in the Hot Seat

Blakeley’s kind of awesome. In my recollection she has never made one gratuitously mean comment about anyone. She might come off like a promiscuous tarantula but in the same way you can hold and pet a tarantula. She’s soft and fuzzy, ya know?

Her and Tony holding hands is the sweetest thing about this episode. I need to retract my negativity towards Tony from Emily’s season. He strikes me as a good guy. I know they get made fun of for stereotypical WT things, but I don;t buy that classist shit. Blakeley and Tony have never come off as dumb or naive or any less fierce and competitive than the rest of the forgettable middle class yokels that populated the season. I don’t think for one second their proposal will last even a couple months, but the falling in love part was totally genuine and super sweet to witness.

Chris Harrison called Blakeley an “honorable woman” and I think that’s really nice of him to point out and totally true. I am tearing a little bit when Blakeley waxes on about Tony. (Did you get that word play? That was awesome! I’m awesome!)

Tony gets up on stage and announces they’re moving in together in Portland, Oregon. And then he proposes! I am sure he did it that way because they got a free Neil Lane ring out of the deal, but I do wish Blakeley had been actually looking at him a little more. Whatever. You know they went back to the hotel and did it like 10 times. With props. Continue reading

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bachelorette ashley episode 5 recap: this season even manages to make thailand look dull

Bentley, just release me from my emotional bondage!

I am posting this one week before my due date! I don’t know if that is very sad or very awesome. Let’s go with VERY AWESOME.

So I am pretty sure at the top of the episode there is a quick Bentley flashback. I beg of all 3 people reading this site: what did I miss this season in the way of them falling in love? All I remember is lots of Bentley alone camera time where he is laying out his dastardly plan. Sigh. Oh and a reminder that Ashley whispers in repeat: “dot dot dot”. Double sigh.

Chiang Mai

Chiang Mai must be trending this week on the internets as The Bachelorette brought it into the homes of possibly a new target travel audience: losers like us. And bonus is the cartoon map of Thailand with flying cartoon plane! The men are stoked and Ames fervently believes that Chiang Mai is a great place to fall in love… “because of the monks.” If you say so.

I have some random thoughts as the men are told they are staying at the sweet-ass Mandarin Oriental Hotel and those are:

I am not into Nick’s soul patch. Chris Harrison has maybe the best job on Planet Earth.

Finally, Ashley is walking along pensively while voiceover Ashley in the sky is talking about emerging from a dark place. Don’t kid yourself, babydoll. Your dark place is lifelong until you get some therapy.

Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai date with Ben F

I am always impressed when this far along in the season, we still have to use last name initials. Where are Chantal/Shawntel when you need them?! Oh I just got wistful for a second- this season would be soooo much better if Chantal was the B’ette. Oy! I just added to Ashley’s insecurities.

When the date starts, my friend and I look at each other and say, “Wait. Didn’t Ben F already have a date with Ash?” And then we realize that was Constantine. Hardy har. I was a little disconcerted that the men had just arrived, the date announced and then Ashley just walks in to get Ben F. I would have like, I don’t know, wanted to brush my teeth or something.

Theirs is an “unspoken mutual attraction.” Mmkay. And then, my biggest pet peeve- Ashley waxes on about how Ben F is such a good sport about just meandering and goofing around the market. And so I will say it again: is that a legitimate compliment to someone? Congratulations, dude. You got a free trip to tropical paradise across the world and you are being really cool about shopping and taking in the local sights with a hot girl. Here is a dog biscuit for you. Continue reading

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