bachelor pad 3 episode 1 recap: i’m only watching because stagliano is there

Chris Harrison, this is really your job.

So I’m a hypocrite. I generally can’t stand these career reality vets like Beth on Real World and now Erica Rose on Bachelor Pad. And yet – like much of America – I totally dig every single thing about Michael Stagliano (even the way he gets too obsessed with girls too fast) and so he is hopefully going to redeem this turd of a season for me. I hope I’m wrong, but so far I care so little about any particular outcome (money, hook-ups, etc) that I was leaving the screen for lengthy periods of time to do household chores. And I hate chores. But I guess that’s how bored I was.

Chris Harrison tells us from the water-soaked driveway of the Mansion that this year’s contestants vying for $250K are some of “the most memorable and controversial people of seasons past”. I so beg to differ (Tony, really? Nate, who? Sarah, seriously? Ryan? Don’t care). But then the producerz switch it up and throw 6/7 “super fans” into the mix. I am actually grateful for the new blood.

The turd burglars in order of limo appearance:

Chris Bukowski: So in love with Emily Maynard 5 minutes ago that he is grateful to be in the mansion, which is part of history, to have his heart mended with multiple sexcapades.

Lindzi Cox: I can’t help it, I love me some Lindzi. She has that fab huskyish voice and despite her waaaay too much eye make-up, she is so adorbs. She is hilar when she reminds us that “I’m the girl that lost to Courtney.” That would definitely make anyone feel like a huge loser. It’s like losing to a stinking pile of horse poo dressed in a tarantula costume. What I loved about Lindzi always during Ben’s season was she was one of the only girls that stayed above the fray. It’s always cool to see the few hold-outs who never trash anyone, stay well-liked and go far. I am nervous she lets this part of her character go though since she makes it pretty clear at the outset she HATES Blakeley. Also, she crushes on Kalon. I would think it’s crazy but they are both pure breeds, so you know how that goes.

Ed Swiderski: So I mean, I like Ed in theory. He’s cute, ridiculous and doesn’t give many f*cks. But I can’t forgive him for duping Jillian and personifying the great failure of the Bachelor(ette) franchise. First of all, he makes a point to say how blondes are his type and his thing. Then he mentions he was nowhere near ready to get married when he proposed to Jillian. Infidelity, blah blah blah, whatever. It pisses me off more that he allowed an ending that season knowing it wasn’t with good intentions when someone could have made it far who was. And worse, Jillian is just a cool, likable chick. And she’s still defending him! Anyway, I will try to get on board with Ed since I like his pink jacket Night 1. Such a charicature.

Nick Peterson: Was boring on Ashley’s season so I expect him to be boring now. No idea how he made the cut (lots of other people said No).

Rachel “bangs” Trueheart: I have always been so smitten with Rachel’s bangs that I want to be behind her 100%. But I am already disappointed. Turns out, she’s kind of a mean girl (eg Blakeley). Which is doubly sucky since it appears Michael Stagliano is going to set his head-over-heels honing device squarely on Rachel. And Michael seems like he needs to love on a nice girl. Even if Holly Durst broke his heart for Blake, she was at least the kind of girl who was well-liked and never shit-talked. I just don’t want Michael to slum it now.

Sarah Newlon: I have no idea why or how this chick got on. She reminds us that she was the girl who couldn’t tell Brad Womack from his twin, and that pretty much tells me everything I need to know. She also spends a lot of time being angry with people she doesn’t know and is part of the small crew of people horribly offended that any super fans are on the show. (More on that later.)

Ryan Hoag: Apparently his claim to fame is that he’s a virgin. I have no idea why people admit that on this show. It does not make you desirable, it freaks people out. No one wants that pressure, ok? I am grateful he adds a miniscule shred of diversity to the cast.

Reid Rosenthal: I had sort of forgotten about Reid but his Philly accent and calm and good-guy demeanor are a welcome sight/sound for me. I don’t remember his ninja-style surprise proposal during Jillian’s season (that happened?) and I am bummed for him his teammate Paige goes home Night 1, but I am looking forward to him trying to make Ed’s life hell. It’s always refreshing when there is more dude drama than chick shit.

Jaclyn Swartz: Jaclyn wants to bait me. She wants to be a divisive, polarizing figure and she is trading on her “love me or hate me I don’t care” routine. For that reason alone, I am not going to give in. I’m not going to trash talk her because it’s what she wants. Don’t let the hyena trick you! So here are just the facts: Jaclyn was the girl who called Shawntel dumpster trash on Ben’s season. Jaclyn pretends to be friends with Blakeley and Rachel but hates both of them. Jaclyn has nothing nice to say about anyone and gets wasted Night 1 and teams up with an equally-trashed Ed. Jaclyn is very impressed she has a college degree and says it’s why her career will go farther than Blakeley’s waxing career. No one has informed Jaclyn that a high school degree is as valuable as expired jarred spaghetti sauce. Which, to be fair, is possibly more valuable because if you scrape off the fuzz at the top and heat the remaining sauce up, no one is the wiser. I have never done that though.

Tony Pieper: Remember how devastated he was missing his son on Emily’s season 5 minutes ago, and all those creepy phone calls to his son where he was crying and was like “HOW MUCH DO YOU MISS ME, SON?”? That was spooky. But it turns out his son was fine, and so Tony is back for some more reality tv airtime.

Blakeley Jones: Like on Ben’s season, Blakeley doesn’t have that many fans in the house. I see how she comes off as Crazy with a capital C, but I don’t think she’s mean. But Jaclyn and Rachel and maybe Lindzi have their claws out for her, so either they know something I don’t, or can’t handle Blakeley’s Crazy with a capital C body.

I like your sparkles!

I like yours!

Jamie Otis: I am happy to see Jamie. She is the nurse that raised her siblings and gave Ben that cringeworthy spoken-word kiss/lap dance on his season. She never got enough air time so this is good. But since you all know how strict I am about teeth, I will just say it right now: Jamie’s are too white. They are blue-white. That’s another pet peeve of mine and as Don King would say: Only in America!

Michael Stagliano: Love him. He manages to deflect from the pathetic fact that the Bachelor circuit is his career by being wise, charming, kind and astutely funny. On this season: “like Bachelor Pad meets Dr. Seuss.” Well said, old timer.

Erica Rose: I surprised myself by liking her last Bachelor Pad but now it’s only episode 1 and she is wearing thin on me. The whole Princess-tell-it-like-it-is shtik is funny but Erica now just seems unnecessarily mean. Why hate on the fan constestants so hard? (More on that later.) But Erica is always welcome for the gems out of her mouth:

“I know Kalon from the Houston social scene.” (my emphasis added)

“There’s only room for one set of twins in this house and it’s not those ones.”

“You’re ugly.”

Kalon McMahon: Oh yeah, I forgot about Kalon. I don’t mind him. He’s different at least. Besides his veneers, he’s okay-looking too. The America Hates Me and Now I’m Doing Push Ups in My House Like Christian Bale in American Psycho thing is getting played out, but I totes laughed when he said: “America, I’m going to ruin your fucking summer.” He’s such a lovable villain.

Super Fans

This was a maybe good idea with a pretty bad execution. First of all, why six? That’s not a critical mass and a random number anyway. Second of all, the personalities are not very dynamic which makes them even less relevant and even less likely to stay. Donna, for all her slammin’ body that the boys want kept around, is actually the most interesting because she’s in love with Michael Stagliano and draws creepy pencil portraits of him in her spare time. Otherwise all the super fans sound like they’re from Long Island or New Jersey, save for the almost-insufferable twins. I have always had mixed feelings about affirmative action and I don’t feel like having a body double should somehow elevate forgettable looks and mediocre personalities. That said, I know the twin thing is a fetish for lots of guys so, carry on.

Also, why are some of the “alumni” SO threatened and angry by their presence? I laugh at comments like “This is our house, this is our show” or “we paid our dues and only we deserve to be here.” So I am not sure if the dumpster trash from past seasons realize it, but their very ability to be Z-list celebrities is predicated on fans loving (to hate) this show. It’s not good karma to act like fans are a nuisance. It’s like Jaclyn and Sarah got confused and think they are being paid to be unemployed and be narcissists because they’re awesome. And what do you mean, “paid your dues”? That is a phrase limited to people who have done boot camp before shipping off to Afghanistan or worked their way up the ladder in an investment bank or white shoe law firm or married someone odious to get a green card. You can’t actually expect we’re going to congratulate you for getting to go on a reality show which pays you not to work and sends you on lavish dates and has an on-set stylist and make-up artist. As Antoine Dodson would say: Sarah, you are really dumb.

Donna: All the catty hos in the house are jealous of Donna’s body. It’s like a millionaire being jealous of a billionaire, but none of them asked my opinion (yet).

Chris SWAT: I actually like this guy. He’s sort of cute, doesn’t seem Krazy and has a crazy jacked-up body and arm tattoo and after a long day of being 110% male, likes to curl up on the couch with some red wine and an episode of The Bachelor.

Paige: Pretty and probably pretty nice but needs to stop talking so seriously about how this is her dream and how bad she wants to stay. It’s too intense for me. Also in the opening promo of her watching the show with a friend in her NYC apartment, I had to laugh at how predictably terrible her apartment was. It will always amaze me how people will agree to live in that city.

David: Kind of forgettable. Seems like he could be one of the nicer house members on Jersey Shore. What the hell is MMA fighting??

Twins (Slut & Virgin): Boring. Yawn. From Florida. Of course. I laughed when they said Kalon has a butt chin. Bring it, Twinergy.

Falling for Love challenge

This set looks pretty expensive with its rafters and levers and pulleys and heart-shaped particle board. Too bad it was so boring. It seems like something we’ve seen before and didn’t allow for any drama because no one could stay up for very long. I was so bored I couldn’t even keep track of who had partnered up. I’ll have to study that next week. I just know Blakeley is with Chris who she may or may not donkey punch in the throat, the twins + David won the challenge and Erica and Nate lost it and therefore each have a point against them going into the rose ceremony.

Boardwalk date with Twins + David

Every ride the threesome went on, David was recalling which season of Bachelor/ette had a similar date and which couple. I would be so impressed if he really remembered all that, but there’s no way, right?

Also, did they change the formula this time so that now dates are just with the winning couple? Didn’t it used to be that each winner could be three other people for the date and then on the date give the rose to one person who got to stay for an even longer date? Do I have that wrong? Anyway, that was more interesting.

The House

Jamie and he crazy eyelash extensions approach Chris and say: “I was thinking do you wanna come chat with me?” She is not smooth as ever. Meanwhile, Blakeley is livid Chris might be hooking up with another hoochie. She says:

I held his back through the challenge. That’s the kind of person I am.

You mean you didn’t hold his back because he’s your team-mate and you can only win the money if you advance in the game and you need to win challenges as a team to advance?

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony/Me Doing Laundry

David tells Erica he’s voting her off. Erica mounts an anti-super fan campaign. Everyone was going to vote off the super fans anyway. Erica fake cries and says some mean things to some people. Paige sweats a lot. Reid looks hopeful and forlorn interchangeably. People who get roses thank the other side for saving them (I always think that is so goofy. It’s not like they saved you, it’s more like they sent someone home they hated more). In the end, SWAT and Paige were sent packing. The most boring rose ceremony in history. Even the previews for the season made me comatose. There better be some good-ass hookups and Mike Stagliano better propose to at least four women or this show is going to ruin my summer. Mission accomplished, Kalon.

(And I don’t expect anyone to comment. I know very few of you can get into this turdburger.)