You know this thing with no rose ceremonies at the end of an episode? Yeah, it’s not working for me.
So there have been somewhere between 2-17 episodes so far and here’s a little recap below. On a Thursday. Cause I’m dangerous.
Chris Harrison tells Britt on Night One/Episode Two/In a Television Vortex she did not get enough votes but that the vote was very close. LIKE HOW CLOSE, CHRIS?
Britt handles it with class. Frankly, I don’t think Kaitlyn would have had as much. Team Britt suffers though. Case in point: Tony the creepy yogi can’t handle that it’s Kaitlyn. “We’re all drinking at the same fountain. I want to go home and dig my own well.” It’s either a euphemism for him masturbating or ordering one of those realistic life-size inflatable doll girlfriends.
Jared confesses to Kaitlyn he voted for Britt. Which is a cool move, weirdly. But he distracted me with his, “I’m super excited you’re the Bachelorette, you’re super sweet and super great and super pretty and super duper.” What’s super(natural) is Jared’s chiseled chin and bone structure. I think his very complicated blowdried hairdo is maybe because he is self-conscious about his ears?
JJ reminds us he had a great connection with Britt: “My life, my daughter and future is woven out of what happens with this.” No presh. Luckily Kaitlyn tells JJ I’m super in to you, I’m all in, don’t be afraid.
The dentist gets some love.
Brady asks to leave to find Britt. Tony has a black eye. Two guys get kicked off who I don’t remember, plus the exotic law grad dancer and the guy that drove the “car pool”.
Then there are some previews and all I can see is:
So is Kaitlyn, because apparently this season she has sex with someone practically on camera and then feels compelled to confess it to the remaining guys.
In response, the following episode/night/week/unrealized rose ceremony, I honor this nation’s fallen war heroes by watching The Bachelorette on Memorial Day.
Kaitlyn wakes up with full make-up and a bra. In her sit-down with Chris Harrison, her fake eyelashes look like my 6 year old applied them.
Brady goes to Britt’s hotel room. I’m mad that I just typed that sentence it’s so boring.
I See This Ending With a Ring group date
Boxing date. Laila Ali is probably psyched to be doing this. Ben Z is hot. Kupah is more in to boxing than Kaitlyn. Kupah and Ben Z doing those push ups where they have to fist bump on the upswing … is also HOT. The boxing pairings are pretty inequitable by weight which means in the finals Jared gets a head injury from Ben Z. It’s sad you also have to sign a physical waiver of liability to do this dumb show.
“I could have had 8 great guys here, but it’s 7 unfortunately. Jared is not here.” Is Kaitlyn is the first person on this show who hasn’t gone to the hospital when a contestant did? Yes. I think the answer is Yes. Which would be kind of shitty if it didn’t speak to the serious gender role reversal Kaitlyn brings to the franchise. She is looking to get huuuuuuumped, for real.
Ben Z likes to cook. His mom passed away when he was 14. He gets the date rose.
You Take My Breath Away 1 on 1 with Clint
Clint is an Architectural Engineer, 27, from Chicago and maybe is a little Heath Ledger-esque? Ohhhhhhh Clint is the one who drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops. Das coo.
They drive in a convertible to a villa to take underwater photos because Conceptual Underwater Photographer is a job you can have. Kaitlyn is wearing a cool gown and Clint is rocking the skinny suspenders and I have to admit this is a cool idea I wish I had known about during my pre-2008 body. Kaitlyn and Clint kiss. She gives 8 speeches about how she feels about him, and then, the rose.
I’m Looking for a Man Who Will Stand Up For Me group date
Tony reacts to getting chosen for a GROUP DATE with: “Wow, she noticed me”. Actually, no, no she didn’t. It’s a group date.
This is a stand up comedy date and we get to see Amy Schumer so it’s officially the best part of the entire season, Nick Viall and a sex scandal forthcoming included. Amy brings along Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein and Bridget Everett for a quad dose of awesomeness.
JJ: “I’ve always secretly wanted to do stand up comedy.”
Amy Schumer: “This is going to be an absolute massacre.” and “JJ’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing charisma, humility and a sense of humor.” (I rewound that to get the words exactly right and then I thought about Amy inappropriately because I love her so much.)
Amy does actual stand-up and then Tony doesn’t. He gives a rambling speech around “I feel like I have been training for this my whole life” and then some commentary on life and gratitude.
Joshua The Welder is a Love Virgin ie he’s never been in love before. I actually laugh when he talks about his two English Bulldogs and like does their voices. People voicing their pets gets me every time.
It’s amazing what happens when you take smart phones, tv and music away from a group of dudes. Like how inane their conversations become. JJ to the group: “Is everyone still as interested, as focused, and as driven to win Kaitlyn’s heart? ”
He also calls this a game. But then JJ’s Mr. Hyde personality comes out when he’s solo with Kaitlyn. He has a 3-year-old daughter and tears up a little bit. They kiss, he thinks he’s got everything locked down. He’s right for a minute because ultimately he gets the date rose.
Joe the nice foreheady guy takes Kaitlyn outside and “just laid one on me and it was hot!” Then in his Southern accent he says “Well I’ll be!” and she loved it.
Controversy from the get-go. Ben Z and Clint, who already have roses, agree to let the other guys have time with Kaitlyn. But JJ, who has a rose, aint down with that and pulls her anyway for some time because “I just had to remind her of what husband material is.” Meaning, by omission? “I’m feeling smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of … I just talked to the girl and you didn’t.” Can anyway find JJ’s babymama ex on the www?
Ian tells Kaitlyn about his track running at Princeton and then car accident. Kaitlyn thinks he’s the most compassionate guy, and he makes her feel good. Me, I am just super worried about his receding hair.
Kupah, who maybe let himself get riled up by JJ, then inexplicably cries racism. He browbeats Kaitlyn, she tells him they lost the connection, and then Kupah says “You’re a pretty, pretty girl.” “Your eyes and personality are awesome.” That’s verbatim.
And then Kupah goes and tells the boys every word of the conversation and his reaction and Kaitlyn listens to every word and then comes and grabs him halfway through and lets him go. Just when you thought this wordsmith couldn’t outdo himself, he coyly smiles, continues to sip on his mixed drink and says “BUT WE BOTH LIKE MOVIE QUOTES.” And thus, in a phrase, why I give a significant chunk of my life to this show.
Kupah melts down at producer.
Somewhere Brady asks Britt to be his girl.
Then a few minutes/3 weeks/5 episodes/Being John Malkovich later, the new episode starts out with Kupah’s freakout. He finally gets in a car and leaves.
During the rose ceremony Tony with a child warrior gypsy heart actually gets a rose. But Daniel and Cory get the boot and I was pretty invested in their storylines NOT AT ALL so it was hard to take. And no reject interviews!
The next group date involves sumo wrestlers so it’s all a blur of gongs, diapers, chub, and Joe’s testicles.
Tony makes the episode while going into an AGGRESSIVE RAGE SPIRAL while protesting date activities that involve aggression (sumo wrestling, boxing). He just keeps repeating that he wants to do something peaceful and loving so he can show Kaitlyn his heart of a warrior and spirit of a gypsy. “Can we not take a boat ride or go skydiving?” Hahahahahahahahahahaha wouldn’t that be cool if the contestants got to pick, Tony.
Then JJ comes up and Tony is like “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” b/c he’s a pacifist. This launches Tony’s self-spiraling breakdown at the house. He is so angry that on a date they can’t just “go to the zoo and imitate animals” (????) instead of “comparing dick sizes,” that he decides to leave. My guess is this gem of a scene wrote itself.
Sumo After Party
Date rose goes to Shawn.
Clint refuses to talk to Kaitlyn even though she gave him the first date so he says in his interview “she’s not the right person for me but there’s still some relationships with men here I want to see where they go, esp JJ there’s a lot of levels to him and it’s very exciting.” I have been told this is salacious editing. BUT WOULD PRODUCERS REALLY DO SUCH A THING?
Surprise date with Ben Z
They do one of those Escape Room things and of course there are birds because that’s Kaitlyn’s fear and also of course they finally get the escape code right just as the time is ending and the “gas” is being emitted.
Let’s Learn to Love group date
The boys and Kaitlyn head to an elementary school to do some sex ed to some students who are in on the set-up.
Joshua sounds like Kermit the Frog trying intentionally to lower his voice, right?
Ben H did this cute speech about love and getting out of a limo to meet the girl of your dreams and then using Kaitlyn as the volunteer.
After Party from Sex Ed
Ben H says “she’s my girlfriend” and it’s cute not creepy so there.
Jared is charming? And he’s “comfortable with his sexuality.” “Of all the guys, this guy is a man.” What does that mean exactly, KAITLYN?
Clint gets (self-)edited into a villain. All the boys whine about him. Kaitlyn goes to confront him and SCENE.
And producers ruin another night of my life because there is no rose ceremony.