Tag Archives: kaitlyn

bachelorette kaitlyn I think LA to San Antonio to Ireland to Utah (or something): to be continued

I could not have seen this coming.

I could not have seen this coming.

The past month of the world’s greatest television franchise in a nutshell (but a very big nut. like a walnut shell, not an almond. wait, is an almond a nut or a seed?):

Clint: “I’m best best best best friends with JJ. We’ve become very very very very close.” (4 repeating adjectives each time. I counted.)
Kaitlyn on Clint: “I liked you. I don’t trust you. Let’s say goodbye.”
JJ in the most exciting 180 shift in the show’s history: “Clint, you owe everyone an apology for taking emotional capital from the room.” (or something)
Then they have a weird close face lovers quarrel.
Clint jumps in the exit vehicle, and JJ stays behind and bawls.

Please, please, please, please (4 times) if there is a higher power, hear my prayer and let this be the focus of the Men Tell All.

There is a rap battle spearheaded by Doug E Fresh (whom, no doubt, has been paid handsomely) and JJ shares that “I have listened to zero rap; I listen to Broadway show tunes regularly.” Contextual clue now making me realize I was silly to assume during the Clint drama JJ might be closeted. Phew, close one.

This rap battle is mostly notable for the fact that NICK VIALL and Ashley Iacone (where from and why did she emerge?) came to watch and then hang out in the lobby afterward, thus completely re-directing the show’s arc for the remainder of the season. In retrospect, I can’t say I am sorry Nick came back to crash the season but he does have an inexplicable number of social media haters.

The guys then all flip out the Nick is joining the cast: No one more than Joshua with the Frog Voice (because frogs talk) and Shawn Gosling.

Kaitlyn gets her hair done by ASHLEY ONION from Farmer Chris’ season, who looks and acts more intelligible than we remember and who is appropriately being cross-promoted for the upcoming Bachelor in Paradise cast.

There aren’t that many helicopters this season but Jared gets to go on one on his date and he also gets to wear a tux and I forget what they do but I remember that he’s handsome. You know, his angular face can be hit or miss but I think it errs on the side of handsome. And I’m the boss of good looks. (Have you met me?!)

There is this group date at the theatre where Aladdin is on in LA and it’s maybe, I can’t remember, where we first get exposed to how arrogant and delusional Ian from Princeton is: “I’m a man of many talents and want to showcase one of them.” Of course, he’s not even a good singer.

Gratuitous boring conversation between Britt and Brady juxtaposed.

Because there is no god, and life is all random, and we’re just a mass of space trash hurling into the sun to obliterate us for all our sins and for being mortal and for being stupid and because everyone hates me and no one wants me to enjoy my life, it turns out that this show is pretty scripted. So now, even trash-talking contestants doesn’t feel as fulfilling. As I alluded to, life no longer has purpose.

That said, here is my lackluster attempt to derive joy from hating: Continue reading



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bachelorette kaitlyn week i have no idea: time is a flat circle



You know this thing with no rose ceremonies at the end of an episode? Yeah, it’s not working for me.

So there have been somewhere between 2-17 episodes so far and here’s a little recap below. On a Thursday. Cause I’m dangerous.

Chris Harrison tells Britt on Night One/Episode Two/In a Television Vortex she did not get enough votes but that the vote was very close. LIKE HOW CLOSE, CHRIS?

Britt handles it with class. Frankly, I don’t think Kaitlyn would have had as much. Team Britt suffers though. Case in point: Tony the creepy yogi can’t handle that it’s Kaitlyn. “We’re all drinking at the same fountain. I want to go home and dig my own well.” It’s either a euphemism for him masturbating or ordering one of those realistic life-size inflatable doll girlfriends.

Jared confesses to Kaitlyn he voted for Britt. Which is a cool move, weirdly. But he distracted me with his, “I’m super excited you’re the Bachelorette, you’re super sweet and super great and super pretty and super duper.” What’s super(natural) is Jared’s chiseled chin and bone structure. I think his very complicated blowdried hairdo is maybe because he is self-conscious about his ears?

JJ reminds us he had a great connection with Britt: “My life, my daughter and future is woven out of what happens with this.” No presh. Luckily Kaitlyn tells JJ I’m super in to you, I’m all in, don’t be afraid.

The dentist gets some love.

Brady asks to leave to find Britt. Tony has a black eye. Two guys get kicked off who I don’t remember, plus the exotic law grad dancer and the guy that drove the “car pool”.

Then there are some previews and all I can see is:



I’m sweating.

So is Kaitlyn, because apparently this season she has sex with someone practically on camera and then feels compelled to confess it to the remaining guys.

In response, the following episode/night/week/unrealized rose ceremony, I honor this nation’s fallen war heroes by watching The Bachelorette on Memorial Day.

Kaitlyn wakes up with full make-up and a bra. In her sit-down with Chris Harrison, her fake eyelashes look like my 6 year old applied them.

Brady goes to Britt’s hotel room. I’m mad that I just typed that sentence it’s so boring. Continue reading

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bachelorette braitlyn night 1: tattoo be or not to be

It's so weird because women never usually compete!

It’s so weird because women never usually compete!

Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
and eating a ton of popcorn and looking at Pinterest and signing permission slips.

Heyyyyyyyy, everybody/2 of you. Do people still blog in 2015? Hahahahahahahahaha. Follow me on Vine, Snapchat, Viber, and MySpace. Mostly right here though, here. Here’s good.

Chris Harrison reminds us from second one that dueling Bachelorettes make this a “Two-night historic season premiere.”

There is often talk on the Bachelor of “making history” and the biggest/most controversial/most romantic [] in “Bachelor history”. History is a pretty lofty concept, though. Like I wouldn’t say “this is my best one-pot meal in the history of all the shitty things I have cooked” or “in the history of hypochondria, the pretend cough you’re doing is the most shocking.” But it’s Bachelor World, so we roll with it.


Ok, you know the 600 years you have spent watching this show? The model has changed this season. Instead of picking one Bachelorette, there are two on Night 1: Britt and Kaitlyn. So instead of the men having to get out of the limos and immediately make a great impression on the Bachelorette to avoid getting sent home, the women standing in front of the mansion to greet them have to make great impressions to each have a chance to win the competition to be able to stay and decide the ultimate competition. That makes sense, right?

I have seriously (I’m not kidding) (I am for real not joking) (literally, and I’m using “literally” correctly) stress eaten 10 red licorices (what is the plural? licorai?) before the pre-episode trailer is even over.

OF COURSE Britt is super happy and Kaitlyn is having a panic attack. Kaitlyn is a real human, and Britt is a robot. I actually like Britt. In a robot-y way.
The 25 dudes, sort of in order of appearance:
JONATHAN, 31, Detroit, Michigan – “I work in the automotive industry.” Plus: Super handsome. Plus (for Kaitlyn and Britt, at least): arm sleeve tattoos. Minus: has a 5 year-old son, Sky. His son would be a plus except that his existence means you automatically have to live in Detroit if you want to marry the guy. Which, to be fair, is better than Arlington, Iowa. Team Britt cause “she’s gorgeous, her smile, and bubbly personality.” Tells Britt she is gorgeous out of the limo. Britt likeys him.
JOE, 28, Columbia, Kentucky – Can’t remember his job. Plus: Kentucky accent Minus: Kentucky accent. Team Kaitlyn because of her “personality and smile”. Brings moonshine out of the limo. I like him. His hairdo/forehead ratio is a remaining question, but likable so far.
JOSH, 27, Chicago – Law school grad who “concentrated in criminal defense work”. Wait, I have never heard of a law school where you could “concentrate” your studies in a particular area of law. DO NOT TRY TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME, JOSH. I have a JD. I will be paying those loans off for 30 years. And until the last moment of the last payment in 2035, I will spend my life sussing out your WEB OF LIES. Josh “needs a job to pay the bills” so is a fireman, wait, a male dancer. Plus: knows how to dance. Plus/Minus: covered in tattoos. Minus: can’t figure out how to make money with his actual law degree. Comes out of the limo and starts a stripping routine and Kaitlyn says during camera time: “Britt, you can have this one.” I feel you, K.

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