First of all, I have been vindicated. I said last week to my friends that the guys will seem hotter once we know some of their personalities. Because, you know, women are saddled with the sorry trait of being attracted to personality. Anyway, I was right. This episode felt a little less Not and a little more Hot. Thank you; I came up with that myself. (I have no idea how to use a semicolon.)
The episode confusingly opens with some pretend Channel 9 Eyewitness News footage from Chopper 9 of the filming of the show in Charlotte. It segued to nothing so, thank you producers for wasting 5 extra seconds of my precious life.
Then there is a little scene where Emily and Ricki are hand-in-hand and stroll up to Emily’s other mom besties to shoot the shit about how they all have to take on her slack of parenting while she lives the life of a tv star. I surveyed the mummies, who cannot really be described as yummy, and I have this cautionary tale to impart: do not become mom friends with a woman who became a mom at 19. You will always look like your kid’s great-aunt in comparison.
Chris Harrison gathers the men in the courtyard of the Chansion (that’s what I am calling the Charlotte mansion. I am so clever!). There are lots of v-neck tees and so I may add that to the drinking game. Also, is it just me or does Chris Harrison look younger and slimmer and with maybe some fresh hair coloring? He is loving his dee-vorce, amirite?
The first date card gets dropped and someone says: “This just got real.” I will make that #1 on my list of Totally Non-Manly Things the Men Say or Do this Season. Chris wants the date card so badly but it goes to Ryan.
Ryan now rivals Courtney for a horrible response to getting a date card: “To hear my name called it was not necessarily a surprise. Much like going into a ball game, I’m never expecting to lose.” I’m going to cut Ryan a little slack because he turns out to be a little less awful than that comment, plus a lot of you seem to be sweating him, but I have got my eye on the guy. He’s like a good Christian version of the Jersey Shore people: GTL. Actually, he’s not as funny as Pauly D.
Ryan and his majorly d-bag hairdo try to redeem his comment with something about his pastor telling men to treat women like queens. But only because then the women treat their men like kings. Ryan, quit while your muscles are ahead.
Kalon interlude: He is like Emily in that without the veneers he would be better looking. I know he has a suspect personality. I just think it’s important to note this.
The Chansion is really growing on me. I like it better than the LA house.
On date day the boys are maxing and relaxing by the pool, giving their abs and pecs and traps and delts some much-needed air. The sausage party component to The Bachelorette is never not hilarious. Do you think, similar to prison, the men start to imagine which dude would be their “girlfriend” if times get desperate?
Kalon calls it the “frat house from hell on steroids.” I mean, probably pretty apt. Just noting I don’t hate the guy yet. I know I am supposed to though.
Cutie Emily arrives to the backyard in an adorable light sheer sweatery thing and Arie earnestly says to the camera: “Emily walked in and she looks amazing. Her in her regular clothes- she looks even better than she did last night, which is hard to believe.” It’s not hard to believe inasmuch as her Night 1 dress was sparkly dog poo, BUT Arie is adorable and sweet and so far I love him. I know this is as original as saying I love ice cream and illegally downloaded tv, but dude’s a serious frontrunner at the minute. That’s what we say in England: at the minute. I’m so exotic!
Emily says Ryan seems like “a very nice gentleman” but is nervous because he’s so hot. Both comments are perplexing. I would call Ryan many things but gentleman wouldn’t be in the Top Ten, and how can Emily Maynard Of All People think someone is too hot for her? The human condition is so infuriating sometimes.
Be My King in the Queen’s City date with Ryan
Emily surprises Ryan with a non-glamorous date of going to her house and baking cookies for soccer practice snack for Ricki. Um, at all my soccer practices when I was young we just had oranges. Boo.
I have a few questions with respect to the baking and bringing cookies segment:
- Does anyone believe Emily uses those reusable net bags to carry her groceries?
- Am I the only one eternally annoyed that Ryan was super stressed about wearing an apron and wanted to rip it off so he could “look like a man again”? Just in case we mistook him for a post-op transgender?
- Why is it a good idea to bring a film crew to a little kid’s soccer practice? Is there a scenario where this is a good idea? Did a lawyer have to walk around and get all the parents to sign releases?
Ryan says it’s an honor to be on this date with Emily Maynard. Then Emily then makes a little crack about a date at Chuck E Cheese. She has a sense of humor- it’s just presented in an interesting flat-line delivery. I will acknowledge that Ryan and his douchey hairstyle and roided out arms so far is hot (as much as I can find a guy hot with bulging biceps. DEF not my thing) with a sexy voice.
Moving on to dinner. There is a gratuitous shirt off moment (while Ryan was ironing). DRINK.
Ryan wears a black button down under a grey suit. Emily is wearing a rockin’ one-sleeve magenta fuschia-y dress. There are hundreds of people waiting outside Osso – Em’s fave restaurant – taking photos. With the red carpet and rope lines it seems so spontaneous.
Emily is trying to explain to Ryan she doesn’t want this to be a game and competition. She has always been so genuine and wanting to find love. Stereotypical Bachelorette! And then it’s kind of weird that Ryan feels the need to reassure Emily he would treat Ricki the same as any children they would subsequently have together. I want to laugh but I am so disturbed. Um, no one was thinking anything different until you raised that, Ryan. Ugh.
Ryan accepts the rose and Emily gives her tagline AWESOME. (Which is better than AMAZING.)
Now we know why the crowds had gathered. Emily’s “favorite band”, Gloriana, plays a song live for the couple to dance to on an elevated platform with lots of peon shutterbugs around them snapping away. Doesn’t strike me as romantic, but I’m not the boss of the world. (yet.)
Let’s Set the Stage for Love group date
The lucky attendees are: Alessandro, Nate, Jef, John, Alejandro, Tony, Michael, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie and Kalon. I still couldn’t pick out half these guys in a line-up or recall one fact about each while being waterboarded and tortured for the information. But that’s the editing’s fault, not mine. And I guess I am just eager for more to be cut so I can start remembering everyone.
The boys show up a theater. Stevie’s sideways flat cap is making me angry. He just can’t help but come across as a DJ (which might even be a step up from his actual profession of ‘party MC’) despite looking so much like Jon Cryer in Two and a Half Men.
The group date is that the men have to perform in something like a variety show which will raise money for the Ricky Hendrick Centers for Intensive Care at Levine Children’s Hospital. This reminds me that there’s a lot we still don’t know about Emily because she does keep her private life close to the vest (save the camera crew everywhere). But two of my enduring questions are whether the would-have-been-in laws bought Emily her McMansion and also got her her hospital job.
Emily brought some friends with her to the show: Kermit and Miss Piggy. I LOVE THE MUPPETS. I am not even effing you- I love them so much. This episode totally brightens up for me. I am actually laughing out loud at Miss Piggy.
The boys get divided into groups for talents arbitrarily. The whole thing is actually rather dull. This group of men is kind of vanilla so far.
There is a comedy group practice with Fozzie the Bear where Charlie plays the balcony-falling disability card and gets to sing instead of doing stand-up. I am laughing out loud AGAIN when Kermit and Miss Piggy have a spat while Kermit is zipping up Emily’s dress. I can’t take it. Chris Harrison has a bit with not-Waldorf. There is a Miss Piggy Live show which includes a terrible poem, a sweet, if not generic, proposal and daily affirmations. Then Emily wants to kiss Kermit.
Btw, I like Miss Piggy’s hair better straight than curly.
Time to exploit Ricki more. She comes out to “sing” Rainbow Connection with her mom and some Muppets. I adore this song and I kind of wish it was not on an episode of The Bachelorette.
At the end Emily announces they raised $20,000 for the charity. A quick attempt to do the math of the number of guests assembled supports the conjecture that ABC must have kicked in about 75%.
After Party at The Garrison
Chris snags some alone time with Em. He looks cute here (he’s so hit or miss for me). And Emily gives him a huge compliment, saying he’s so good looking but never tries to be the guy who is like “look at me.” He seems needy to me, but the compliment is genuine, and apparently true. Chris explains to us that girls that gorgeous would never talk to him. There’s a lot of questionable self-esteem this season- except for Kalon.
Then Emily gives Jef a hard time for not trying at all to hang out with her or talk to her. I don’t even follow what she’s griping about as her delivery of the sequence of slighting events is borderline junior high. Which, to be honest, is positively adorable. It’s a pleasant surprise how hard Emily, she of other-worldly hotness, is crushing on Jef. He looks 15 and might be the only guy in the house not hitting the free weights. Victory!
Sean the blond insurance agent says something but I ignore it because of how blond he is. Go surf somewhere, loser.
Stevie is trying to dance with Emily. Then some of the guys go and spy. Kalon steps in. I can’t take Kalon seriously because he looks like a young Christopher Reeve. Then one second later some other d-bag interrupts (I lost track) and Kalon is actually classy and doesn’t want to argue when he doesn’t get two the extra minutes he requests.
Kalon complains about this to the guys but Stevie is still smarting from when Kalon interrupted his dancing with Emily. He tells Kalon he doesn’t like him (Fifth grade called, it wants Stevie’s personality back) and Kalon responds: “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, bro.” I want to hate on Kalon but his comments are always pretty pitch-perfect.
Emily gives date rose to Jef. Which I called. What I did not call is that in doing so, Emily would exclaim “Cool!” Oh, lady.
Come Close to My Heart date with Joe
I was trying to figure out why Joe got one of the first one-on-ones. And then I was trying to figure out why Joe is wearing some garish hot pink and aqua plaid shirt. The James van Der Beek comparison is front of mind and stressing me out. They’re heading to West Virginia where Emily is from and l-o-v-e-s. They go to Greenbrier. YEAH, WEST VA.
I LOVE the black & white bikini Emily is wearing when they plunge into the 100 year-old pool! Faye now claims Emily is the first Bachelorette to ever get her hair wet during the show filming. Can anyone confirm or deny this? It’s a strong statement, but may be true. I vaguely remember Jillian had a wet head once. Anyone? Anyone?
Back at the ranch Doug is on Daddy Patrol, making sure no one is saying anything sideways about taking on a stepchild. Uh oh, Kalon then takes the bait and accuses Doug of putting being a dad “on hold”. Doug says he gave up his whole life to be able to be a great dad when he was 20. You guys, the takeaway from Doug and Emily and all this nonsense: Wrap that rascal.
Back at the Greenbrier, Emily elegantly walks down the stairs in her pink strapless dress to have dinner with Joe. Joe is being sweet and makes Emily “feel comfortable”. Joe gives a vague answer about where he sees himself in 5 years – happy and no regrets – which we’re led to believe is the death knell for him as a viable prospect as Emily’s mate. Emily tells us he doesn’t give her butterflies, but she’s open. Apparently not that open because after a brief pit stop (you guys, we should try to use lots of car racing expressions this season!) at the famous Love Clock, Emily sobs and then sends Joe home. She cries because she’s a good person and rejecting people feels awful. Joe does not cry, or even hug Emily goodbye. He peaces out and unless I missed something, we don’t even get a reject limo confessional.
Was it necessary to have the fireworks go off anyway?
Back at Emily’s house: Ricki goes to bed and all I care about is Emily’s awesome fake eyelashes and crazy amount of makeup supplies and her MILFy mom.
Emily arrives wearing another sort of pageanty dress. This one is bright purple, with one sleeve, a cool back and some garish rhinestones. Emily has the unique claim so far of being the Bachelorette far better dressed casually than formally.
Arie re-surfaces and they have a little swinging bench chat. They discuss Scottsdale. Arie drops the awesomebomb that he dated a girl with two kids and loves kids. I feel like Arie is good at chat and asks Emily about her life and just keeps it casual and yet meaningful. He is so a frontrunner and my bracket is thanking me.
Tony and Stevie are out of sorts about Ryan WITH HIS ROSE having the nerve to talk to Emily. I don’t see what the big deal is until it turns out Ryan wrote Emily a 10-page letter and is making her recite it like a monologue. After stalking them, Tony gets some 1 on 1 time with Emily and drops the bomb he has an adorable son, Austin, who is 5. Tony kind of emphasizes too much for my taste his son’s name, and the fact that he has a son and that he gave up time with him to FIND LOVE. Emily looks distracted and is sipping her wine.
Emily and Kalon bond over being 26 year-olds trapped in old people’s bodies. If that’s what old looks like, I’m calling Social Security tomorrow. I want mine! When Kalon returns to the hornet’s nest in a better mood, Sean, to the camera, accuses him of “using his vocabulary to show his dominance in the house.” I too hate losers who use superficial ill-gotten gains like vocabulary to get ahead in life. Then, in a desperate attempt to further vilify Kalon for very little, someone complains that Kalon carries Louis Vuitton luggage. Maybe it’s my now-constant exposure to European men with fashionable taste, but I don’t see the problem. It’s like these guys are so insecure, they’ll only trust a dude who carries his belongings in a canvas Jansport duffel bag with a bottle opener keychain attached to the zipper.
I want to guess the two sent home ahead of time but in my mind there are more than two significant losers.
(Ryan and Jef have roses)
Kalon – he deserves it. He actually talks to Emily and articulates himself well and seems sort of genuine
Arie – um, yeah
Michael – whoa, where have you been, crazy long-haired guy?!
Nate – drawing a blank
Sean – go drown your blond hair
Chris – yep
Doug – Hi, dad!
Travis – who?
Tony – I ALSO HAVE A CHILD.
John “Wolf” – ugh
Alessandro – Speak, Alessandro, speak!!
Charlie (Flowers for Algernon?)
Alejandro – his earrings are annoying
Stevie – UGHHHHH. WHYYYYYYY.
I don’t even know the rejects names so what.ever. Oh, Aaron the biology teacher (the job comes with the huge glasses) and Kyle (who is ready for love and to find the one).
Arie at an amusement park with crazy-faced Dolly Parton and OPEN MOUTH KISSES, and then there is a 1 on 1 date with Chris and rappelling.
Alessandro says something about taking on a kid is a “compromise”. I can’t wait!
And the egg gets shattered. Travis, you naughty boy.