Tag Archives: women tell all

bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens

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Won.

I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.

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Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?

CAILA

I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?

LAUREN

Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading

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bachelor juan pablo episode TWTA: i regret nothing

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First of all: The Bachelor made The New York Times. Meredith gave me the heads up, and while she was initially aghast, I think we can all agree: it’s about time.

Second: Sean and Catherine. MAKE IT STOP. Is it just me or was their body language 100% Sean is an attention-hogging goofball and now that Catherine has lost her virginity to him, she has taken the Concord jet straight to the part in a marriage where you’re constantly annoyed? I’ll pray for them. I certainly know it’s not the last time I will have to see them on tv.

But also, BANGS. Catherine is rocking hers. My heart was happy for her; my cowlick was flicking her off.

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Quick fireworks.

I am not totally against cross-promotions but you know how I feel about my beloved Muppets and this. Can a puppet get an STD?

The Oscars finally got it last night that there should not be a clapping popularity contest over dead people. I would like to propose the same egalitarian mute treatment to the rejects during Women/Men Tell All.

Renee looks hotter than ever. Kelly the Dog Lover gets to bring Molly into the studio. I am still confused about her and that.

I like how all the girls are psyched to trash Juan Pablo and how bad he was at conversation and how little he asked questions of the women, and yet NONE of them except Sharleen and Andi chose to leave on their own volition. I call total bullshit on this disingenuous bitch sesh.

Cassandra basically has drag queen make-up on. She is reversing the advantage of being in her early 20s compared to the rest of the girls, and aging herself like a decade or two. It’s pretty bad. Cassandra, you’re on high-definition tv, not center court in hot pants and go go boots!

Kelly also asserts that Juan Pablo wasn’t consistent in his claims of being fair because he was physically attracted to Cassandra and so would kiss her, but wouldn’t kiss Renee and told her it’s because he had too much respect for her being a single mom. I agree that it’s hypocritical, but I think Kelly missed something important: Juan Pablo was physically attracted to Cassandra, yes, but that was all. He sent her home on her birthday, for the love. I think he knew early on that he had deeper feelings for Renee and more long-term potential with her, and that actually gave him pause on going for it physically. It’s like he had more “mom respect” for her than Cassandra, which in itself is shameful.

Sharleen in hot seat: We are treated to a montage of their journey together and are reminded once again that Sharleen is stunning, has great taste in backless clothes, and she and Juan Pablo did a loooooot of kissing.

Sharleen is just classy, articulate, different, and superior to the end. Kudos to this franchise for even landing her at all. Sharleen for Bachelorette and only smart guys apply!

Renee in hot seat: I still love her, and she’s in a happy relationship! And hopefully Ben is attending regular counseling.

Andi in hot seat: Dying, dying, dying for Andi’s dress. The color, the high neck and embellishment, the long sleeves.

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Andi is blowing up the secret of the fantasy suite- that Juan Pablo was negative about the whole Bachelor process, and was bragging about what a good Bachelor he is. Andi also explains a little more that Juan Pablo was never mean to her, and also that she swept certain things under the rug and didn’t get more upset until the morning.

I love hearing a lawyer say: “intent.”

I wish I could transcribe Chris Harrison’s exact words in grilling Andi about whether still believes her great love exists, and whether she is going to keep searching for him. CHRIS HARRISON, WE’RE NOT DUMB, SPIT IT OUT: Andi is going to be the next Bachelorette.

Juan Pablo in the hot seat

“I’m not here to kiss 27 women…” Just 25.

Every single issue brought up reveals even more that if you look up “diplomatic” in the dictionary, Juan Pablo’s picture will be under the antonym section.

Kelly revs up the tears to attack Juan Pablo for CALLING GAYS PERVET.

Juan Pablo, majorly to his credit, says he can’t respond in 4 minutes and would rather explain to her for an hour after the show how his words were taken out of context. BUT KELLY HAS A GAY PARENT + WANTS SCREEN TIME. Kelly, January called – it wants its boring news stories back.

Soooo, I guess that’s it?  Next week two blonde girls cry.

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bachelor brad ‘women tell all’ recap: 45 minutes of michelle

I am so distracted by how much I heart her necklace.

Sooooooo a big thing happened to me this episode. Brad grew on me! That’s the funny thing about the set-up of this show. You can look like a robot the whole time and then as soon as they pull out the blooper reel and never-before-scenes montage (Brad at a South African school, what?), we see your laid back hotness. But I’ve said too much.

I knew WTA would be boring. It always is. The time allotments are always wrong (Shawntel didn’t get to speak and Michelle got three-quarters of the show? Hmmm) and I feel like ABC always guesses wrong what we’re going to want to emphasize. It’s like, I was over the Melissa/Raichel drama like 11 years ago. Who? And who? No one cares. But Chris Harrison cares. He always cares.

So we open with Chris in a spiky ‘do, not befitting of his age or American roots (it looked a little young and Euro to me), but I won’t skewer guy. All these hot tub scenes all these years and he is still with his college sweetheart. Or something like that. So then Chris and Brad have some contrived sit-down chat in front of a roaring fire and about 30 lit candles. I am all into fluid notions of sexuality, but did two dudes need so much romantic ambiance to debrief on the show? Continue reading

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