Tag Archives: the bachelor

bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens



I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.


Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?


I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?


Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading


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bachelor ben h week 5: morning breath, day breath and Teen Mom


It’s all fun and games until your entire family is brutally murdered in Haiti AND you win a cooking competition but still get dumped by The Bachelor.

I am very relieved ABC’s update on the Iowa caucuses barely interrupted my regularly-scheduled Bachelor viewing. No one cares about the dumb election.

VIVA LA MEXICO! Supposedly.

Emily: “Now that my sister’s not here, I feel like I have nothing holding me back.” I feel like that came out wrong?

The girls say they have never seen anything like this hotel suite. (Except the dope one you had in Vegas and that mansion in LA….)

Olivia is wearing a cross necklace in the opening scene so maybe she is finally getting it? Becca’s going to start bringing the Bible on group dates just to compete.

Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket date with Amanda

(What are the statistical odds that no one has ever read a date card that had their own name on it?)

Ooh Ben H comes in at 4:20am to wake up Amanda for the date. FOUR TWENTY, HOMES!! Hahaha did I seem like a cool drug user just then?

I love these times when the girls all have stank breath and retainers. Do you think the room smells like farts? When Ben said, “Whose weave is this?” I thought he said “weed.” Also, I tried to google the difference between a weave and an extension, because I am hoping the words aren’t racist, but I don’t feel more educated.

I call bullshit. Amanda woke up in FULL MAKE-UP. Her producer was nice and tipped her off to be ready. Because a professional esthetician would never, ever, ever go to bed with a full face of make-up.

Ben and Amanda go on a hot air balloon. And of course, because it’s Mexico City, the sky is full on smog. The look not that into it but try for the cameras. Then they picnic somewhere. And Ben says cheers to the fact that they will be “talking life” later. So then they go talk life at a hotel and Amanda gets real about her ex-husband, the father of her daughters, and his double life with a second cell phone and exes and online dating. The fact that women who look like Amanda get cheated on (or Eva Longoria, let’s be honest) proves what I learned about Why Men Cheat 20 years ago by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. Spoiler Alert: it’s not because they let themselves go. Date rose to single mom Amanda with the Joey Lauren Adams voice. Continue reading


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bachelor ben h week 4: dim city

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Except when I do.

How was the Democratic debate? Wouldn’t know.

Week 4! Chris Harrison enters the Mansion and shares with the ladies that they’re headed to Las Vegas to meet Ben, and that’s where they will find the first date card. The twins speak at the same time about how they were born and raised there. A bunch of people shout “Viva Las Vegas!” Odds they know what ‘viva’ means?

Cut to the women walk through the lobby of The Aria resort and casino and 90% of them are in jeans and a white shirt. Not sure why, but yeah.

You Set My Heart On Fire date with JoJo

(FYI- Olivia: “Ben is my piece. I’m zen with Ben.”)

JoJo’s hair on fleek! Her nail polish shade on fleek! Ben H mentions having a glass of champagne and JoJo says “I looooooove that” spookily just like Saturday Night Live’s Bachelor spoof this past weekend.

Ben and JoJo wait for a helicopter and kiss in the helicopter gusts while all the other women watch from above. Then they take a helicopter ride and then – are you ready for it – they just end up in a nondescript hotel room. Frickin helicopter ride in Vegas and your ultimate destination is the same as an upscale Marriott in Cleveland.

JoJo shares she ended her 1 1/2 year relationship 5 months ago. She is vague about whether she was cheated on or whether she was dating a married man, but either way it made her insecure because that person wasn’t “giving his all”. Wait, this was the big past bombshell she was nervous about? Their whole conversation is way edited and I have no idea what’s actually going on between them, but JoJo gets a rose. Now likely something will happen outside on the roof involving either fireworks or a private concert. Oh, fireworks. Short, cliche, non-informative edited date concludes.

Show Me What You Got group date with Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia- maybe someone else?

Olivia refers to herself in the third person as The Frontrunner.

The women enter the Terry Fator theater. Caila just said she grew up watching Terry Fator on tv. For real??? Whomever Terry Fator is tells all the women that basically they have to be in a talent competition audition, opening that night in front of 1200 for Terry Fator’s show. The twins are psyched because their mom made them study dance when they were younger. So they do an Irish River Dance. Jubilee plays the cello. JUBILEE PLAYS THE CELLO. Continue reading


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bachelor ben h: the episode with Ice Cube (?)

(I’m going to close my eyes and just go back to Straight Outta Compton and Boyz N the Hood.)


This happened.

I see Ben H’s no kissing rule was just for Night 1.

Gratuitous shot of Ben at The Four Seasons pulling his pants on up and over his underwear bulge. This show is at least about equal opportunity exploitation. Also, why is he staying at The Four Seasons?

Let’s Learn How to Love group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

Lace is glad she gets to redeem herself because the drunken fool on display Night 1 is “not her.” Oh but it is! That was you drinking, amirite?

The ladies take the limo to “Bachelor High” and Ben H wants the date to be goofy and fun, so as to relieve any stress. “High school is where I have some of my fondest memories.” Shocking.

Chris Harrison’s nerdy school outfit is actually super dope. Jackie: “I was never Homecoming Queen in high school.” I feel like never is a weird word choice. How many opportunities do you get? One, right? So grammatically it should be “I was not Homecoming Queen…” Get it together!

The women actually get composition books and basically engage in a school-themed obstacle course replete with science experiments (volcanoes), lunch class (bobbing for apples), geography (find/don’t find Indiana on a map), gym (basketball free throw), and hurdle competition to become Homecoming Queen. Mandy wins and gets a tiara, letter jacket and a sash and then they take a victory lap in a convertible.

Incidentally, Ben says in reference to placing Indiana on a map: It’s not like I’m asking them to place Indonesia on a map. Except, hello, Indonesia would be hella easier! It’s surrounded by water and has one million teeny trailing off islands and is in South Asia. You have a 50-50 chance of guessing Indonesia right. Indiana is hard! It’s one of those states somewhere between the coasts with zero water features or a memorable shape. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h: he actually seems like a nice guy


Very anti-eye contact.

The fun thing about saying Ben with an H is to differentiate him from Ben What’s His Name who was also once The Bachelor and pretended to own a vineyard and picked that terrible model and I think is now on Tinder or something.

I have to leave my house for a flight at 4:45am, so I am pretty psyched about it being the boringest night ever for the series: Limo Night. We can fantasize that one day they will arrive in stretch hummers or just dope tricked-out vintage cars or a party bus. But for now, it’s straight up 1991 at The Mansion.

(Did you know Ben H is a “devout Christian”? I mean zero editorially about this, just making sure we’re all in the loop together.)

Some words/phrases we hear in the opening montage: Epic. Heart wide open. Ready to meet my wife. Fall for. Dream come true. Picture a future. Confident this love is real. Not a question in my mind. Can picture being down on one knee. / Crying. Fifty shades of crazy. I don’t know if I can do this.

Note: Chris Harrison calls this season “exciting”, not “Most Dramatic Ever.”

Ben’s background: From Warsaw, Indiana. 26 years-old. Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball. So even though he lives in Denver, a metropolis, we see Ben H shooting hoops against a charming red barn. Was QB of the football team and some other stuff. Parents verrry attractive, happily married and live by the water with a boat and are wearing short-sleeves. SO NOT IN WARSAW, INDIANA. (Take a hint, Chris Soules’ entire family.)

We see Ben H enter the mansion from a sports car and “three of America’s favorite Bachelors” are there to greet him: Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, Chris Soules. Wait, are those faves? Jason is definitely my fave BECAUSE HE’S SHORT. I sweat that mmmm hmmmm. Yup. Sean: whatever. Chris: failed, so why are you giving advice? They’re calling the women “girls.” I can’t remember- are we cool wit dat? (Jason Mesnick just had bad armpit sweat.)

So right before limos, Chris Harrison says to us “It’s hard to believe, but the limos are about to arrive.” Is it hard to believe? This is Season 19.

Right after limos, Ben H calls his parents on speaker. Swoony swoonola.

The cast / girls / young ladies / you guys:

Lauren B, 25. Beach is her happy place. From Portland. Is a flight attendant. Lives in SoCal now. First out of limo. Brought Ben H a wings pin and made a “take off” pun. Ben H really likes her. ROSE.

Caila, software sales rep in Boston. Met ex on a plane. Dumped him when saw Ben H come out of the limo on Kaitlyn’s season. Um. Also, she ran out of limo into Ben H’s arms. They later talk about how they both sell software. ROSE.

Jubilee, 24, war veteran who had joined army at 18. Lives in Ft Lauderdale. Gorgeous and has an upper boob tattoo and a front thigh tattoo. Ben likes her low-cut white dress out of the limo. Also, Jubilee’s a** doesn’t need spanx. It’s Pippa Middleton caliber. ROSE. Continue reading


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bachelor juan pablo finale/atfr: it is what it is (spoiler alert: the season is over!!)


Appropriately dressed, as always. #hungergamestribute

Chris Harrison promises this will be the Most Controversial Finale in Bachelor History. For once, they deliver on the hyperbole. Although, it feels like a spoiler.

Juan Pablo promised a surprise at ATFR. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

After some ominous sound effects of hyperventilating crying in a jungle, Chris Harrison joins us live from a studio audience, and with stars from Bachelors past. Wait, does that always happen? I can’t remember, but I don’t think so.

Once upon a time, there was an infinitesimal chance that a friend could get me tickets to this finale. It didn’t work out and as the season went on, I just kept feeling I had dodged a bullet because it was all such a flop. But now I am re-thinking…

Clare meets the family

Cute that Juan Pablo’s whole family is in St Lucia together, from all points Miami and Venezuela. They are obviously psyched to be getting this reunion on ABC’s dime, but all have IQs high enough to know that their cad-about-town, Juan Pablo, is not serious about this or the girls.

Finally they edit in the fact that Clare’s mom is Mexican and the whole family speaks Spanish but her. Weird.

Juan Pablo looks a lot like his mom.

His mom, Nelly, and Clare bond over the fact that Juan Pablo can be rude and make them both cry. This is super healthy.

Pervert Cousin Rodolfo takes some 1 on 1 time with Clare. Her answer to whether she is in love with Juan Pablo, is “I’m falling in love with him.” Usually the girls are more sure by now. And now the cousin is carrying on the theme of hinting that Juan Pablo has anger and coping issues.

Juan Pablo’s father, on the hand, is not afraid of the L word. In a Bachelor first, he says to the bachelorette: “I love you.”

When Clare left, surprise surprise, she and Juan Pablo just made out for a while. Cause that’s how they do.

Nikki meets the family

Oh yeah, Nikki already met the parents. Today, she should just come naked. Juan Pablo’s reaction to her arrival makes it seem like he wants her to be the one.

It’s weird that Nikki adores being a pediatric nurse, but it never seems like she’s that attentive or demonstrative to/with Cameeeela.

Juan Pablo’s dad to Nikki: “He’s [Juan Pablo] not an easy guy. He thinks he knows he truth in everything.” These girls can never say they weren’t warned.

And then Juan Pablo’s mom, basically, in a nutshell, I think, says that Juan Pablo spends his entire weekends watching tv.  And then says she’s “pretty sure” he’s ready to get married.

Then the cousin asks: “How much fighting can you take? I mean, I love the guy, but…” Um.




I love these Venezuelans. So honest.

Juan Pablo to the camera/universe: “Can I keep both?”

Live Studio Audience pointlessness

I think Catherine is already doing the whole post-wedding Freshman 15 thing. Not that I am hating. I am a huge fan of the lifelong Freshman 15 thing. Just observing, y’all. I’m a famous blogger. I have responsibilities. Continue reading


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bachelor juan pablo episode TWTA: i regret nothing


First of all: The Bachelor made The New York Times. Meredith gave me the heads up, and while she was initially aghast, I think we can all agree: it’s about time.

Second: Sean and Catherine. MAKE IT STOP. Is it just me or was their body language 100% Sean is an attention-hogging goofball and now that Catherine has lost her virginity to him, she has taken the Concord jet straight to the part in a marriage where you’re constantly annoyed? I’ll pray for them. I certainly know it’s not the last time I will have to see them on tv.

But also, BANGS. Catherine is rocking hers. My heart was happy for her; my cowlick was flicking her off.


Quick fireworks.

I am not totally against cross-promotions but you know how I feel about my beloved Muppets and this. Can a puppet get an STD?

The Oscars finally got it last night that there should not be a clapping popularity contest over dead people. I would like to propose the same egalitarian mute treatment to the rejects during Women/Men Tell All.

Renee looks hotter than ever. Kelly the Dog Lover gets to bring Molly into the studio. I am still confused about her and that.

I like how all the girls are psyched to trash Juan Pablo and how bad he was at conversation and how little he asked questions of the women, and yet NONE of them except Sharleen and Andi chose to leave on their own volition. I call total bullshit on this disingenuous bitch sesh.

Cassandra basically has drag queen make-up on. She is reversing the advantage of being in her early 20s compared to the rest of the girls, and aging herself like a decade or two. It’s pretty bad. Cassandra, you’re on high-definition tv, not center court in hot pants and go go boots!

Kelly also asserts that Juan Pablo wasn’t consistent in his claims of being fair because he was physically attracted to Cassandra and so would kiss her, but wouldn’t kiss Renee and told her it’s because he had too much respect for her being a single mom. I agree that it’s hypocritical, but I think Kelly missed something important: Juan Pablo was physically attracted to Cassandra, yes, but that was all. He sent her home on her birthday, for the love. I think he knew early on that he had deeper feelings for Renee and more long-term potential with her, and that actually gave him pause on going for it physically. It’s like he had more “mom respect” for her than Cassandra, which in itself is shameful.

Sharleen in hot seat: We are treated to a montage of their journey together and are reminded once again that Sharleen is stunning, has great taste in backless clothes, and she and Juan Pablo did a loooooot of kissing.

Sharleen is just classy, articulate, different, and superior to the end. Kudos to this franchise for even landing her at all. Sharleen for Bachelorette and only smart guys apply!

Renee in hot seat: I still love her, and she’s in a happy relationship! And hopefully Ben is attending regular counseling.

Andi in hot seat: Dying, dying, dying for Andi’s dress. The color, the high neck and embellishment, the long sleeves.


Andi is blowing up the secret of the fantasy suite- that Juan Pablo was negative about the whole Bachelor process, and was bragging about what a good Bachelor he is. Andi also explains a little more that Juan Pablo was never mean to her, and also that she swept certain things under the rug and didn’t get more upset until the morning.

I love hearing a lawyer say: “intent.”

I wish I could transcribe Chris Harrison’s exact words in grilling Andi about whether still believes her great love exists, and whether she is going to keep searching for him. CHRIS HARRISON, WE’RE NOT DUMB, SPIT IT OUT: Andi is going to be the next Bachelorette.

Juan Pablo in the hot seat

“I’m not here to kiss 27 women…” Just 25.

Every single issue brought up reveals even more that if you look up “diplomatic” in the dictionary, Juan Pablo’s picture will be under the antonym section.

Kelly revs up the tears to attack Juan Pablo for CALLING GAYS PERVET.

Juan Pablo, majorly to his credit, says he can’t respond in 4 minutes and would rather explain to her for an hour after the show how his words were taken out of context. BUT KELLY HAS A GAY PARENT + WANTS SCREEN TIME. Kelly, January called – it wants its boring news stories back.

Soooo, I guess that’s it?  Next week two blonde girls cry.


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