I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz
My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.
Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”
Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?
I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”
I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?
Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.
THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.
They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.
At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.
Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!! A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading