Tag Archives: olivia

bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens

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Won.

I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.

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Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?

CAILA

I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?

LAUREN

Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 5: morning breath, day breath and Teen Mom

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It’s all fun and games until your entire family is brutally murdered in Haiti AND you win a cooking competition but still get dumped by The Bachelor.

I am very relieved ABC’s update on the Iowa caucuses barely interrupted my regularly-scheduled Bachelor viewing. No one cares about the dumb election.

VIVA LA MEXICO! Supposedly.

Emily: “Now that my sister’s not here, I feel like I have nothing holding me back.” I feel like that came out wrong?

The girls say they have never seen anything like this hotel suite. (Except the dope one you had in Vegas and that mansion in LA….)

Olivia is wearing a cross necklace in the opening scene so maybe she is finally getting it? Becca’s going to start bringing the Bible on group dates just to compete.

Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket date with Amanda

(What are the statistical odds that no one has ever read a date card that had their own name on it?)

Ooh Ben H comes in at 4:20am to wake up Amanda for the date. FOUR TWENTY, HOMES!! Hahaha did I seem like a cool drug user just then?

I love these times when the girls all have stank breath and retainers. Do you think the room smells like farts? When Ben said, “Whose weave is this?” I thought he said “weed.” Also, I tried to google the difference between a weave and an extension, because I am hoping the words aren’t racist, but I don’t feel more educated.

I call bullshit. Amanda woke up in FULL MAKE-UP. Her producer was nice and tipped her off to be ready. Because a professional esthetician would never, ever, ever go to bed with a full face of make-up.

Ben and Amanda go on a hot air balloon. And of course, because it’s Mexico City, the sky is full on smog. The look not that into it but try for the cameras. Then they picnic somewhere. And Ben says cheers to the fact that they will be “talking life” later. So then they go talk life at a hotel and Amanda gets real about her ex-husband, the father of her daughters, and his double life with a second cell phone and exes and online dating. The fact that women who look like Amanda get cheated on (or Eva Longoria, let’s be honest) proves what I learned about Why Men Cheat 20 years ago by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. Spoiler Alert: it’s not because they let themselves go. Date rose to single mom Amanda with the Joey Lauren Adams voice. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 4: dim city

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Except when I do.

How was the Democratic debate? Wouldn’t know.

Week 4! Chris Harrison enters the Mansion and shares with the ladies that they’re headed to Las Vegas to meet Ben, and that’s where they will find the first date card. The twins speak at the same time about how they were born and raised there. A bunch of people shout “Viva Las Vegas!” Odds they know what ‘viva’ means?

Cut to the women walk through the lobby of The Aria resort and casino and 90% of them are in jeans and a white shirt. Not sure why, but yeah.

You Set My Heart On Fire date with JoJo

(FYI- Olivia: “Ben is my piece. I’m zen with Ben.”)

JoJo’s hair on fleek! Her nail polish shade on fleek! Ben H mentions having a glass of champagne and JoJo says “I looooooove that” spookily just like Saturday Night Live’s Bachelor spoof this past weekend.

Ben and JoJo wait for a helicopter and kiss in the helicopter gusts while all the other women watch from above. Then they take a helicopter ride and then – are you ready for it – they just end up in a nondescript hotel room. Frickin helicopter ride in Vegas and your ultimate destination is the same as an upscale Marriott in Cleveland.

JoJo shares she ended her 1 1/2 year relationship 5 months ago. She is vague about whether she was cheated on or whether she was dating a married man, but either way it made her insecure because that person wasn’t “giving his all”. Wait, this was the big past bombshell she was nervous about? Their whole conversation is way edited and I have no idea what’s actually going on between them, but JoJo gets a rose. Now likely something will happen outside on the roof involving either fireworks or a private concert. Oh, fireworks. Short, cliche, non-informative edited date concludes.

Show Me What You Got group date with Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia- maybe someone else?

Olivia refers to herself in the third person as The Frontrunner.

The women enter the Terry Fator theater. Caila just said she grew up watching Terry Fator on tv. For real??? Whomever Terry Fator is tells all the women that basically they have to be in a talent competition audition, opening that night in front of 1200 for Terry Fator’s show. The twins are psyched because their mom made them study dance when they were younger. So they do an Irish River Dance. Jubilee plays the cello. JUBILEE PLAYS THE CELLO. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h: the episode with Ice Cube (?)

(I’m going to close my eyes and just go back to Straight Outta Compton and Boyz N the Hood.)

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This happened.

I see Ben H’s no kissing rule was just for Night 1.

Gratuitous shot of Ben at The Four Seasons pulling his pants on up and over his underwear bulge. This show is at least about equal opportunity exploitation. Also, why is he staying at The Four Seasons?

Let’s Learn How to Love group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

Lace is glad she gets to redeem herself because the drunken fool on display Night 1 is “not her.” Oh but it is! That was you drinking, amirite?

The ladies take the limo to “Bachelor High” and Ben H wants the date to be goofy and fun, so as to relieve any stress. “High school is where I have some of my fondest memories.” Shocking.

Chris Harrison’s nerdy school outfit is actually super dope. Jackie: “I was never Homecoming Queen in high school.” I feel like never is a weird word choice. How many opportunities do you get? One, right? So grammatically it should be “I was not Homecoming Queen…” Get it together!

The women actually get composition books and basically engage in a school-themed obstacle course replete with science experiments (volcanoes), lunch class (bobbing for apples), geography (find/don’t find Indiana on a map), gym (basketball free throw), and hurdle competition to become Homecoming Queen. Mandy wins and gets a tiara, letter jacket and a sash and then they take a victory lap in a convertible.

Incidentally, Ben says in reference to placing Indiana on a map: It’s not like I’m asking them to place Indonesia on a map. Except, hello, Indonesia would be hella easier! It’s surrounded by water and has one million teeny trailing off islands and is in South Asia. You have a 50-50 chance of guessing Indonesia right. Indiana is hard! It’s one of those states somewhere between the coasts with zero water features or a memorable shape. Continue reading

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