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bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens

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Won.

I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.

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Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?

CAILA

I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?

LAUREN

Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading

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bachelor ben h: the episode with Ice Cube (?)

(I’m going to close my eyes and just go back to Straight Outta Compton and Boyz N the Hood.)

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This happened.

I see Ben H’s no kissing rule was just for Night 1.

Gratuitous shot of Ben at The Four Seasons pulling his pants on up and over his underwear bulge. This show is at least about equal opportunity exploitation. Also, why is he staying at The Four Seasons?

Let’s Learn How to Love group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

Lace is glad she gets to redeem herself because the drunken fool on display Night 1 is “not her.” Oh but it is! That was you drinking, amirite?

The ladies take the limo to “Bachelor High” and Ben H wants the date to be goofy and fun, so as to relieve any stress. “High school is where I have some of my fondest memories.” Shocking.

Chris Harrison’s nerdy school outfit is actually super dope. Jackie: “I was never Homecoming Queen in high school.” I feel like never is a weird word choice. How many opportunities do you get? One, right? So grammatically it should be “I was not Homecoming Queen…” Get it together!

The women actually get composition books and basically engage in a school-themed obstacle course replete with science experiments (volcanoes), lunch class (bobbing for apples), geography (find/don’t find Indiana on a map), gym (basketball free throw), and hurdle competition to become Homecoming Queen. Mandy wins and gets a tiara, letter jacket and a sash and then they take a victory lap in a convertible.

Incidentally, Ben says in reference to placing Indiana on a map: It’s not like I’m asking them to place Indonesia on a map. Except, hello, Indonesia would be hella easier! It’s surrounded by water and has one million teeny trailing off islands and is in South Asia. You have a 50-50 chance of guessing Indonesia right. Indiana is hard! It’s one of those states somewhere between the coasts with zero water features or a memorable shape. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h: he actually seems like a nice guy

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Very anti-eye contact.

The fun thing about saying Ben with an H is to differentiate him from Ben What’s His Name who was also once The Bachelor and pretended to own a vineyard and picked that terrible model and I think is now on Tinder or something.

I have to leave my house for a flight at 4:45am, so I am pretty psyched about it being the boringest night ever for the series: Limo Night. We can fantasize that one day they will arrive in stretch hummers or just dope tricked-out vintage cars or a party bus. But for now, it’s straight up 1991 at The Mansion.

(Did you know Ben H is a “devout Christian”? I mean zero editorially about this, just making sure we’re all in the loop together.)

Some words/phrases we hear in the opening montage: Epic. Heart wide open. Ready to meet my wife. Fall for. Dream come true. Picture a future. Confident this love is real. Not a question in my mind. Can picture being down on one knee. / Crying. Fifty shades of crazy. I don’t know if I can do this.

Note: Chris Harrison calls this season “exciting”, not “Most Dramatic Ever.”

Ben’s background: From Warsaw, Indiana. 26 years-old. Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball. So even though he lives in Denver, a metropolis, we see Ben H shooting hoops against a charming red barn. Was QB of the football team and some other stuff. Parents verrry attractive, happily married and live by the water with a boat and are wearing short-sleeves. SO NOT IN WARSAW, INDIANA. (Take a hint, Chris Soules’ entire family.)

We see Ben H enter the mansion from a sports car and “three of America’s favorite Bachelors” are there to greet him: Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, Chris Soules. Wait, are those faves? Jason is definitely my fave BECAUSE HE’S SHORT. I sweat that mmmm hmmmm. Yup. Sean: whatever. Chris: failed, so why are you giving advice? They’re calling the women “girls.” I can’t remember- are we cool wit dat? (Jason Mesnick just had bad armpit sweat.)

So right before limos, Chris Harrison says to us “It’s hard to believe, but the limos are about to arrive.” Is it hard to believe? This is Season 19.

Right after limos, Ben H calls his parents on speaker. Swoony swoonola.

The cast / girls / young ladies / you guys:

Lauren B, 25. Beach is her happy place. From Portland. Is a flight attendant. Lives in SoCal now. First out of limo. Brought Ben H a wings pin and made a “take off” pun. Ben H really likes her. ROSE.

Caila, software sales rep in Boston. Met ex on a plane. Dumped him when saw Ben H come out of the limo on Kaitlyn’s season. Um. Also, she ran out of limo into Ben H’s arms. They later talk about how they both sell software. ROSE.

Jubilee, 24, war veteran who had joined army at 18. Lives in Ft Lauderdale. Gorgeous and has an upper boob tattoo and a front thigh tattoo. Ben likes her low-cut white dress out of the limo. Also, Jubilee’s a** doesn’t need spanx. It’s Pippa Middleton caliber. ROSE. Continue reading

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