bachelorette recap: (some of) the men tell all (that abc will let them tell)

She wasn't that into you but you're on to better things.

On a normal episode of The Bachelorette, I am antsy. I want to fast forward through all the repetitive commercial breaks showing the same upcoming scenes and get through all the labored, boring date moments and get to the point.

I feel the opposite about “Men Tell All”. Inevitably there isn’t enough time to actually hear from the guys because of all the other crap filler in an episode. I needed more time. I mean, hot Jesse barely got to speak, the Weatherman should have been in the Hot Seat and Craig R the lawyer shoulda let someone else get a word in edgewise. And I like hearing the sistas in the audience and their two cents. It’s like some retro Ricki Lake shit.

Oh well, let’s just cover the morsels ABC gave us.

All the clichéd things Chris Harrison says every season were in full force

The show opens with him saying “A reunion show you won’t want to miss!” which I immediately interpreted to mean it would be totally missable. But hell if I am going to set my alarm at 4:45am and then waste it.

Journey

Journey

Journey

Amazing

Ali’s off-site sit-down with Chris Harrison recapping

Chris Harrison’s 4th and 5th words: amazing journey.

I like these clips from the episodes because it reminds me of things that disturb me. For starters, why was the phone that launched the Rated R drama (snoozefest it is) a 1980/90s plastic corded number? Can the hotel not afford an update? I felt uncomfortable just watching Ali trying to negotiate the cord on that puppy.

And then a flashback to Kasey on the glacier in Iceland and I started to get worked up again over his pairing of a classic patterned Burberry scarf and bright blue snowsuit. Wrong, Kasey, WRONG.

bachelorette recap: the Weatherman episode

Hey Weatherman, you're totally straight.

Apologies for the delay. This Monday holiday thing threw me off and I realized at the last minute tonight I had to watch the show. So $1.99 spent on iTunes and now it’s 2am on my anniversary and I have to get up for work in a few hours. My point? I am very dedicated to The Bachelorette.

I know last week there were some of us who felt this crop of men were duds. You know what? I think there are some genuinely nice young lads in the lot. I might dare say these are some of the nicest Bachelors we have seen in this 20 season franchise. So I am not totally waving the white flag on this season’s journey.

Frank. I still just love him. I love him with glasses. Without. I love his retail managerial experience, as mysterious as it is (do they still have Structure in midwestern malls?). I love that he only lived in Paris for a month and half, didn’t speak the language, and left that country as fast as you can say croque monsiuer. Let me tell you something about my neighbors, the French: they will eat you alive if you show any fear. So Frank the screenwriter couldn’t hack it with the frogs. I am okay with this. He probably has a pretty good discount at BabyGap.

But that Hollywood sign scene was not as lovely as I might have hoped. For one, I don’t know, it was hokey. For twos, was it just me or did Frank have to be coaxed into making out? Wait, did they make out later on? It’s all a blur to me at 2am.

So poor Jonathan. He will forever be the Weatherman. Although I am guessing he loves that since at one point he actually motioned to his face and said, “this is my money maker.” And again, I know I am going to go down in a sinking minority for saying this, but there is something I like about that not-right chap. He is little and short (for me that’s yummy) and actually quite quick thinking. Plus, HE’S A BROWN BELT, OKAY? So DON’T mess with him. Sometimes when he’s acting especially crazy, he conjures for me a young, very unstable Tom Cruise.