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bachelor ben h: he actually seems like a nice guy

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Very anti-eye contact.

The fun thing about saying Ben with an H is to differentiate him from Ben What’s His Name who was also once The Bachelor and pretended to own a vineyard and picked that terrible model and I think is now on Tinder or something.

I have to leave my house for a flight at 4:45am, so I am pretty psyched about it being the boringest night ever for the series: Limo Night. We can fantasize that one day they will arrive in stretch hummers or just dope tricked-out vintage cars or a party bus. But for now, it’s straight up 1991 at The Mansion.

(Did you know Ben H is a “devout Christian”? I mean zero editorially about this, just making sure we’re all in the loop together.)

Some words/phrases we hear in the opening montage: Epic. Heart wide open. Ready to meet my wife. Fall for. Dream come true. Picture a future. Confident this love is real. Not a question in my mind. Can picture being down on one knee. / Crying. Fifty shades of crazy. I don’t know if I can do this.

Note: Chris Harrison calls this season “exciting”, not “Most Dramatic Ever.”

Ben’s background: From Warsaw, Indiana. 26 years-old. Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball. So even though he lives in Denver, a metropolis, we see Ben H shooting hoops against a charming red barn. Was QB of the football team and some other stuff. Parents verrry attractive, happily married and live by the water with a boat and are wearing short-sleeves. SO NOT IN WARSAW, INDIANA. (Take a hint, Chris Soules’ entire family.)

We see Ben H enter the mansion from a sports car and “three of America’s favorite Bachelors” are there to greet him: Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, Chris Soules. Wait, are those faves? Jason is definitely my fave BECAUSE HE’S SHORT. I sweat that mmmm hmmmm. Yup. Sean: whatever. Chris: failed, so why are you giving advice? They’re calling the women “girls.” I can’t remember- are we cool wit dat? (Jason Mesnick just had bad armpit sweat.)

So right before limos, Chris Harrison says to us “It’s hard to believe, but the limos are about to arrive.” Is it hard to believe? This is Season 19.

Right after limos, Ben H calls his parents on speaker. Swoony swoonola.

The cast / girls / young ladies / you guys:

Lauren B, 25. Beach is her happy place. From Portland. Is a flight attendant. Lives in SoCal now. First out of limo. Brought Ben H a wings pin and made a “take off” pun. Ben H really likes her. ROSE.

Caila, software sales rep in Boston. Met ex on a plane. Dumped him when saw Ben H come out of the limo on Kaitlyn’s season. Um. Also, she ran out of limo into Ben H’s arms. They later talk about how they both sell software. ROSE.

Jubilee, 24, war veteran who had joined army at 18. Lives in Ft Lauderdale. Gorgeous and has an upper boob tattoo and a front thigh tattoo. Ben likes her low-cut white dress out of the limo. Also, Jubilee’s a** doesn’t need spanx. It’s Pippa Middleton caliber. ROSE. Continue reading

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