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bachelorette kaitlyn I think LA to San Antonio to Ireland to Utah (or something): to be continued

I could not have seen this coming.

I could not have seen this coming.

The past month of the world’s greatest television franchise in a nutshell (but a very big nut. like a walnut shell, not an almond. wait, is an almond a nut or a seed?):

Clint: “I’m best best best best friends with JJ. We’ve become very very very very close.” (4 repeating adjectives each time. I counted.)
Kaitlyn on Clint: “I liked you. I don’t trust you. Let’s say goodbye.”
JJ in the most exciting 180 shift in the show’s history: “Clint, you owe everyone an apology for taking emotional capital from the room.” (or something)
Then they have a weird close face lovers quarrel.
Clint jumps in the exit vehicle, and JJ stays behind and bawls.

Please, please, please, please (4 times) if there is a higher power, hear my prayer and let this be the focus of the Men Tell All.

There is a rap battle spearheaded by Doug E Fresh (whom, no doubt, has been paid handsomely) and JJ shares that “I have listened to zero rap; I listen to Broadway show tunes regularly.” Contextual clue now making me realize I was silly to assume during the Clint drama JJ might be closeted. Phew, close one.

This rap battle is mostly notable for the fact that NICK VIALL and Ashley Iacone (where from and why did she emerge?) came to watch and then hang out in the lobby afterward, thus completely re-directing the show’s arc for the remainder of the season. In retrospect, I can’t say I am sorry Nick came back to crash the season but he does have an inexplicable number of social media haters.

The guys then all flip out the Nick is joining the cast: No one more than Joshua with the Frog Voice (because frogs talk) and Shawn Gosling.

Kaitlyn gets her hair done by ASHLEY ONION from Farmer Chris’ season, who looks and acts more intelligible than we remember and who is appropriately being cross-promoted for the upcoming Bachelor in Paradise cast.

There aren’t that many helicopters this season but Jared gets to go on one on his date and he also gets to wear a tux and I forget what they do but I remember that he’s handsome. You know, his angular face can be hit or miss but I think it errs on the side of handsome. And I’m the boss of good looks. (Have you met me?!)

There is this group date at the theatre where Aladdin is on in LA and it’s maybe, I can’t remember, where we first get exposed to how arrogant and delusional Ian from Princeton is: “I’m a man of many talents and want to showcase one of them.” Of course, he’s not even a good singer.

Gratuitous boring conversation between Britt and Brady juxtaposed.

Because there is no god, and life is all random, and we’re just a mass of space trash hurling into the sun to obliterate us for all our sins and for being mortal and for being stupid and because everyone hates me and no one wants me to enjoy my life, it turns out that this show is pretty scripted. So now, even trash-talking contestants doesn’t feel as fulfilling. As I alluded to, life no longer has purpose.

That said, here is my lackluster attempt to derive joy from hating: Continue reading

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bachelorette ashley episode 5 recap: this season even manages to make thailand look dull

Bentley, just release me from my emotional bondage!

I am posting this one week before my due date! I don’t know if that is very sad or very awesome. Let’s go with VERY AWESOME.

So I am pretty sure at the top of the episode there is a quick Bentley flashback. I beg of all 3 people reading this site: what did I miss this season in the way of them falling in love? All I remember is lots of Bentley alone camera time where he is laying out his dastardly plan. Sigh. Oh and a reminder that Ashley whispers in repeat: “dot dot dot”. Double sigh.

Chiang Mai

Chiang Mai must be trending this week on the internets as The Bachelorette brought it into the homes of possibly a new target travel audience: losers like us. And bonus is the cartoon map of Thailand with flying cartoon plane! The men are stoked and Ames fervently believes that Chiang Mai is a great place to fall in love… “because of the monks.” If you say so.

I have some random thoughts as the men are told they are staying at the sweet-ass Mandarin Oriental Hotel and those are:

I am not into Nick’s soul patch. Chris Harrison has maybe the best job on Planet Earth.

Finally, Ashley is walking along pensively while voiceover Ashley in the sky is talking about emerging from a dark place. Don’t kid yourself, babydoll. Your dark place is lifelong until you get some therapy.

Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai date with Ben F

I am always impressed when this far along in the season, we still have to use last name initials. Where are Chantal/Shawntel when you need them?! Oh I just got wistful for a second- this season would be soooo much better if Chantal was the B’ette. Oy! I just added to Ashley’s insecurities.

When the date starts, my friend and I look at each other and say, “Wait. Didn’t Ben F already have a date with Ash?” And then we realize that was Constantine. Hardy har. I was a little disconcerted that the men had just arrived, the date announced and then Ashley just walks in to get Ben F. I would have like, I don’t know, wanted to brush my teeth or something.

Theirs is an “unspoken mutual attraction.” Mmkay. And then, my biggest pet peeve- Ashley waxes on about how Ben F is such a good sport about just meandering and goofing around the market. And so I will say it again: is that a legitimate compliment to someone? Congratulations, dude. You got a free trip to tropical paradise across the world and you are being really cool about shopping and taking in the local sights with a hot girl. Here is a dog biscuit for you. Continue reading

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bachelorette ashley episode 4 recap: how do you say “insecure” in Thai?

I think it's rude to help orphans when you could be flirting with me. IJS.

This episode opens with what I would consider to be an extra-long recap from all the Bentley crap from last week. We also know from Ashley’s blog on People.com and previews/spoilers that ABC kindly plays at the end of the episode that we haven’t seen the last of Bentley yet. So both these things make it painfully clear that ABC wants to milk his storyline for all its worth, and then in typical Bachelor fashion, continue to milk it for all it is NOT worth. Because, and I repeat: Bentley is actually boring, monotoned and his big scam was as dramatic in execution as when I’m at the grocery store and I think they’re out of cheese puffs, and I feel my heart rate quicken a little, and then I spy a bag at the back of the shelf.

The real episode begins and Chris Harrison comes in wearing a boring celadon green shirt. Then he dramatically announces that Ashley has agreed it’s time for a fresh start and to leave this mansion forever. Wait, Ashley just picked Thailand so she could get a fresh start? You mean the production team wasn’t planning the venue for the months that would be required to logistically bring that many people to a foreign country and sort out passports and visas before-hand? Anyway, the douchebags get an awesome free trip to Phuket and clearly this is the stuff that makes people still try out for this show. This and the prospect of heavy petting on a later filming of Bachelor Pad. My only consolation is that it’s the rainy season in Phuket. ABC might as well have sprung for the cast to go to Dayton, Ohio.

Ash is strolling the beach now in Phuket in a little red short/white tank ensem that makes me think ‘cute lifeguard’ and the voiceover is that she is still thinking about Bentley. Now, Bentley’s name will come up in 82 more voiceovers and convos in this episode but I feel the need to get a major question out of the way: am I the only one that is confused how and when she had so much time to fall head over heels in love with him? As far as my recollection, they never had a 1 on 1 date and their interactions that I ever saw were a bit short and coy. Either some shit was edited out or Ashley is a total nut job and is in love with someone lame she barely hung out with.

Yay, cartoon map with flying cartoon plane!!

Let’s Sea Phuket Together date with Constantine

Constantine is a restaurant owner, 30 and ready to get married.  When they meet, Ash has an umbrella and they seem like they don’t know each other. Oh cause they don’t. There is a monsoon so they can’t go out on the boat, thus rendering the “sea” play on words in his date card sadly moot. But they can go shopping! Ashley remarks favorably that “Constantine goes with the flow” as though the fact that he didn’t throw a fit that on his all-expenses paid trip that he couldn’t go on a boat is a credit to his personality. Um, I’m pretty sure all these people are just happy to not be at work and have free food, drink and travel all the time. They’re never going to bite the network hand that feeds them.

Then because there is an old, Asian person in a shop, Ashley and Constantine assume he will give wise, sage marriage advice. They are eating up every Thai syllable he utters. This is racist and ageist to elderly Thai people. But the man says “Always let the woman win”, or something so actually, he is a wise sage! Continue reading

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