Tag Archives: atfr

bachelor ben h finale: spoiler alert- everyone dies


Right out of the gate, ABC wants us to know it’s going to be an extra special live finale show. Both families are in the studio audience waiting for After The Final Rose, as are Neil Lane and Ben Higgins’ pastor. What the?

Back to Sandals Jamaica

Lauren B and JoJo both pontificate about their love for Ben whilst wearing cutoff Daisy Dukes. Meanwhile, Ben’s head is a mess. He is not wearing cutoff jean shorts and still he says “I’m scared I’m making a mistake.”

Higgins family

Ben’s an only child! Weird. I think I am closer in age to Ben’s dad, Dave, than Ben. In unrelated news, Dave is very handsome – I’m sure we can all agree. Proof that I’m #almost40 is that I would rather get with Dave than Ben. Time was a man didn’t need a side rib cage tattoo to be sexy.

Ben’s mom, Amy, is disturbed that her son claims to be in love with two women. Also she says of Ben: “he can get impatient and worked up.” “It’s not all about the rosy.” No weird premonitions there, hopefully.

Lauren B gets the first family meeting. She brings flowers as a gift at a resort where every surface is covered with flowers. Zero points for creativity. Always. I hope one day on this show someone brings a future in-law like a cheese board or tea towel or that fake dog poop pile you can trick people with. Lauren tells the parents she loves Ben and asks them if they think he’s ready to be married. Dad said yes. And saying that about a 25 year-old is not insignificant.

Ben: “I can see Lauren as my wife.” Whatever that means.

JoJo is up next. She’s really good and demonstrative with Ben’s parents. JoJo also points out she knows Ben is hard on himself and that seems to resonate with his mom and dad. Or is Amy again thinking about her son’s dark side.

Dave asks JoJo what it is about Ben that JoJo loves, and as is custom on this show, she doesn’t answer- just says she loves him and he’s her best friend. It would be nice one day to hear someone actually list traits in a uniquely observational way. That’s true love.

Amy: “For me, it did feel different today.” And SPOILER ALERT: that’s gonna be the first comment that’s going to be hard to take back later.

Ben basically then tells JoJo he is proposing to her. BASICALLY. Good like taking that back later too.

Lauren B’s “LAST DATE”

They’re on a catamaran. Why does Ben have to keep saying I Love You to these girls? I hope one of these girls gets violently angry when she loses. And then it’s hard because he alternates between seeming distracted and then wanting to be all over Lauren.

Ben: “I knew I loved you right away, and it freaked me out and I don’t know why.” “I get freaked out when things seem too good to be true.” It turns out Ben is a little hung up on the fact that he doesn’t know what life is like with Lauren “when things get hard.” He feels he and JoJo have already made it through hard times. IN FOUR WEEKS. Hahahahahahaha. So basically Lauren, a nice genuine person, is penalized for not dumping her ex-boyfriend a day before filming starts and having him inappropriately place roses and a letter on her doorstep during a hometown visit.

Lauren left the date feeling defeated and she could tell Ben was stressed and had doubt in his mind. So she pulls on her big-girl false eyelashes and sits down on the couch with Ben that night and says I am ready to spend my whole life with you and I’ve never been more sure of anything. And then Ben doesn’t even crack a smile or so we think EDITING.

We’re left feeling worried about these two. And also bored. They are such a nice, boring couple. BUT BABY SEA TURTLES. Continue reading


1 Comment

Filed under bachelor episode recap

bachelorette des episode 11 finale part II + atfr: the old love switcheroo (happens every time!)

Hey y’all, I have a balls out week so I have merely but these bullets:

  • I like the serious sit-down between Des and Chris Harrison in BIG WICKER CHAIRS.
  • There’s a lot of loud, audible sniffles being picked up on the clip-on mic.
  • Whoever did Chris Harrison’s make-up used too much green-tinted foundation.
  • Did I get this conversation wrong?

Des: My heart is broken. I don’t want to go on. Chris is relaxed and Drew is sweet but Brooks was who I truly loved and he broke my heart.

Chris Harrison: So what I hear you saying is you want to continue on?

  • Drew and Chris are good-looking. I mean I know that’s kind of a prerequisite of the show but, they’re good-looking. Oh and she gives them roses ALTHOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
  • There is a lady in the studio audience with a crazy red dress with like weird pieces hanging on each arm. And possibly wearing a wig.
  • It’s kind of disingenuous to give each remaining guy five hours to see if they can escalate to Brooks-exciting-fall-in-love level. Ready, Set, DAZZLE ME.
  • Des’s rhinestoned half tank is soooooooooooooooooo bad.
  • Drew is so crazy hot. He even takes rejection in a hot way.
  • Des looks weird in this bandeau bikini top and skirt and long torso.
  • No one ever takes me on a catamaran.
  • Ergo, I hate everyone.
  • Des is clearly wayyyyyy more into Chris. Chris called their connection “awesome”, so that’s a bummer.
  • Does Chris not know Zak already got Des a journal?
  • So apparently it only takes five hours to do a switcheroo on true love. #istandcorrected
  • What reality show did they pull Sean and Catherine out from?
  • Des’s brother is lucky he got a free trip to Antigua. Also, why is he doing all the talking?
  • Snoozefest 2013. Slow Talker Convention 2013.
  • Oh Neil Lane, you comforting presence, you.
  • I like the top of Des’s nude dress (one shoulder at least, the boob part is ill-fitting) but Chris’s good looks have kind of been a sleeper hit this season.
  • Oh Des’s speech is actually giving me tingles. It’s like tearjerker rom com stuff. Chris is making me cry. CHRIS!


Brooks is pretty smoking in his super fitted tartan-esque suit and skinny tie. And no Drew is not rocking a waistcoat!! He doesn’t even seem gay today. Just hot. Chris and Juan Pablo WHO.

I was very skeptical, but as has happened in the past, seeing the couple’s real chemistry during ATFR helps. She does seem totally in love with him, and no one has ever doubted Chris’s intentions towards Des. So I guess we’ll see. (Not to mention I worry about an LA-obsessed girl in Seattle.)

There’s a lot of post-mortem around the internets but this is one from Jezebel is good I think: The Horror of Settling: The Bachelorette’s Emotional Pornography.

I am pretty damn excited for a Juan Pablo season. This franchise needed an electric shock. Also, his Bio makes me laugh:

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo

Age: 31
 Former Pro Soccer Player
 Barquisimeto, Venezuela
Shoe Size:
Favorite Childhood Memory:
 Winning a youth soccer tournament
Hot-Spot Club or Low-Key Bar: 
Hot spot, because that’s where they play the danceable music.
Favorite Book: Don’t read

He doesn’t even bullshit. Doesn’t have to. Hopefully no poetry.

So want to hear what you all think! Is it January yet?


Filed under bachelorette episode recap