Excuse me, ABC. I don't remember this scene from the episode.
It’s possible that I miscalculated but I am pretty sure all told, there were 5 hours of Bachelorette viewing to get through. And I can’t believe I am saying this, but it was worth every second. I feel warm and fuzzy now, something that rarely happens when these seasons end.
The Men Tell All
Chris Harrison caps it off by saying “It is the reunion show you won‘t want to miss.” And my retort: We’ll see about that, Chris. But who am I kidding? I am a junkie and this show is my crack rock.
Million tealight candles in the studio? Check. Let’s begin.
Recap city! It’s narrated via a fireside chat between Chris and Ash. Ashley is wearing shorts though which makes the burning fire ridiculous. The recaps includes: Drunk guy Tim; Mask Jeff is very domestic with chores; William- and this gives Ashley a chance to say the words “amazing” and “journey” at the top of the show; Ryan is one of the “men”, not a boy. Ryan was the hardest goodbye; and Ashley never saw that side of Bentley.
Now it’s the ‘never before seen’ scenes. As much as I love these, it burns me that they aren’t just regularly included scenes each week. I would much rather see JP breaking the entertainment center and DVD player on a date than one more boring helicopter or rose-strewn meal in the middle of a field/lake/rooftop. Anyway, moving on. Other clips we never saw include: Mickey as a “wine goddess” and lots of references to his ‘package’; Ashley’s date with Ames with larvae and crickets; Rice bamboo sticks on date with Ben; Toe cramp during Tai Chi on date with Ryan and the banana plus apple and orange phallic configuration in Ashley’s hotel room. Totally mature. I was also pretty pleased that one of the ha ha moments was catching Ashley with a huge tub of Vaseline by her bed. I had noticed that also. I like to be vinidicated as an astute viewer, what can I say.
This whole segment is interspersed with shots of Mask Jeff. I am happy he has a sense of humor about himself, and super happy that one of his little stunts was a planking shot. Even though planking is so Spring 2011. The new craze is owling.
Bachelor Pad preview
Finally, my real favorite show! I’m so happy Jake and Vienna are on it. Gia needs to get a real job. There is tons of making out. Lots of crying. Including by the men. And lots of stunts that involve the women scantily clad in bikinis. Also, turns out Blake the Dentist is a male chauvinist pig. Kasey and Vienna are dating. This show might actually be “amazing”.
Back to the studio for TMTA. Chris reviews with the guys clips from the season of all the men talking crap about one another. Drunk guy. Ryan. William. Ben C and his life on a dating website. Then back again to the mass house hatred of Ryan. Lucas compared him to a camp counselor. Someone else said puppy. Then the surfer dude leaps to his defense. I learn eventually that the surfer dude is named Nick. He is so feisty and wants to interject and take everyone on. Where was this guy during the season?!
Jeff the Mask claims he first wore a mask to be “hilarious.” Then he doesn’t speak the rest of the show. I feel like the questions could have been more probing. Like, But WHY did you wear a mask?
William sits in the Hot Seat. The flashback montage reminds me that at first he was so sweet, cute and charming. Remember when we all had hope? When they dined in the middle of a faux lake in Vegas. And the The Roast. I am still shocked he wasn’t sent home that second a la Ben C style. I would rather someone make a side crack about a dating website than to publicly call me trash and flat-chested. Ashley is a mysterious woman. William has a lot of self-hate about himself on the show. Says he hates seeing and hearing himself. So good luck with the professional stand-up career then.
Ryan’s turn in the Hot Seat. I think Ryan is cute. Just sayin’. Recap time and then, oh yeah- that squirmy water heater speech. Oy again. But his turmoil at getting rejected makes me sad for him. And then the awkwardness continues when Ryan talks about all the books he read on how to question a potential mate + his journaling habit.
Why dosn’t Chris ask Ryan about flying all the way back to Fiji for a second chance?? That seems like kind of a big and bizarre thing to skip over.
Ames is in the hot seat now, and I still heart Ames. Clearly the audience loves him too. Chris makes some lame pun about “fighting” for Ashley which means we know we’ll be treated, a-gain, to the Muay Thai boxing snafu. Which reminds me, sadly, that stupid Ashley didn’t offer him a rose that night he got a concussion. It’s a nice side benefit of these wrap-up shows that I get to re-live all the things in the season that made me irate. Also, those dumb pink boxing gloves make me irate. Chris keeps trying to spin jokes out of it.
“The biggest villain in Bachelor history” doesn’t show for the episode. Bentley is so boring and I am so bored that there are minutes of this show devoted to him. I start to tense up when I realize that we are about to see the DOT DOT DOT dialogue for the zillionth time. It would have been infinitely more interesting if Bentley could have just showed up to explain. You would think a fame whore would come back on tv when given the opportunity.
It’s also weird to see Michelle Money taking the moral high road and be so indignant that Bentley would speak so poorly about someone while on the show, since I am pretty sure Michelle spent the entire Brad season talking about how she wanted to punch and destroy the other girls and they were little girls and weren’t right for Brad.
Ashley finally emerges in some horrifying black dress with only one arm sleeve and geometric cut0outs that probably makes all the guys happy they dodged a bullet on marrying her. Ashley then cries. Which I need to rewind to verify for sure. Since she never cries. Continue reading