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bachelorette andi The Men Tell All: the episode where there was ultrasound gel

CHRIS HARRISON, CHRIS SOULES

Wait, did I miss the part where he was announced as the next Bachelor?

A LIVE ULTRASOUND. Lie detectors. Racism. A woman from the audience gets to speak.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

What the fuh is going on. I am so excited.

Ashley & JP

I have always liked them. Ashley is pregs! And she is carrying like a normal person too. Humongous boobs, a little weight gain.

And for a Canadian, Ashley’s dress is very Patriotic.

The polar vortex drove JP and Ashley out of New Jersey to, um, Miami. Ok, whatever. Miami whatever. Enjoys those summers!

Just kidding. The winter in NY blew so hard, I was desperately missing the year-round overcastness of London.

Because I know from my showrunner friend that all reality shows are an intricate web of lies, deceit, constructed falsehoods, and salty tears, I am fairly certain Ashley and JP actually already know the sex of their baby. They don’t cry when they find out it’s a boy.

But- YAY FOR LITTLE BOYS. Yay for babies. Yay for them. I can’t be snarky. Except that, you know, they just showed the inside of her uterus on national tv so that’s not normal or whatever. But I still like them.

Bachelor in Paradise promo

I hereby forgive everything that has happened the past 5 seasons of this show. My summer just got MADE.

Oh, Chris Bukowski. He is like the Beth Stolarczyk of the Bachelor franchise.

Men Tell All

I really like the scarves bit. That’s good. I like how Farmer Chris would not even really wear his.

Well color me surprised. The alleged racist comment by Andrew re Marquel and Ron is aired at the outset and the whole thing is handled fairly maturely, and by smart voices on both sides. It is questionable why JJ would take the courses of action he did every time he thought he witnessed or heard something dangerous or incendiary. That seems plausible.

Girls, how HOT is Farmer Chris now that we know how feisty and BS-proof he is?! There are like thousands of girls right now studying up on Pioneer Woman so that they may serve him and be his Top Ghost. Continue reading

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bachelor ben episode five recap: Ben’s *other brain* decides to get nude with A Model

Jennifer, your strike-out will cost you more than you know.

Before we carry on to the business at hand, we have been neglecting to discuss Emily Maynard being named as the newest Bachelorette. Of course her selection has been a long time foregone conclusion and also, she makes sense. She’s adorable and nice and women and men like her, which is rare. Well, men love her and fantasize about her and would probably fight one another to the death to end up with her. I also like the uniqueness of having someone in the driver seat who has a child. That will put an interesting spin on things. To know you’re getting the whole package, not just the goods in front of you. All that said, I am just a wee bit disappointed. There is something plastic, lovely but plastic, about her. Maybe it’s the Southern genteelness, I don’t know. I also don’t want to hear about Ricky’s death anymore. I know that’s mean of me. But most of all, and this is a big one, I cannot stand her fake teeth. I know I have an anti-veneers fetish but I’m sorry. Some sets are better than others and hers is not great. So I am trying to imagine a whole season of veneers and it’s stressing me out. But I would love to hear your thoughts.

But I will gun for Emily I am sure. Because it will probably be an interesting season and also because we’re so closely connected. It turns out she went to the SAME boarding school as my older brother! That is a massive connection, isn’t it? They were like ten class years apart and she only went there for a year and I didn’t go to the school- but I just feel so close to her, you know?

Now, on to the show! This confusing, beguiling show!

Vieques, Puerto Rico. The preview makes me so mad at Courtney that for one second, I consider turning off the tv. As if!

YAY, THE CARTOON MAP IS BACK! I have missed the cartoon airplane flying map thing. Amazing that you can watch true love form and get a geography lesson each week.

Girls on the boat. Emily admits she is distracted by Courtney. Understatement much? Courtney says “when you’ve wronged me, there is nothing you can say to recover from that, bitch”. She would make an awesome mob wife. Also, Courtney smiles at the phat house (W spa) – which is weird because she seemed annoyed to be going back to PR during last week’s rose ceremony.

I don’t think Chris should be wearing a plaid flannel on a tropical island. Seems incongruous.

Let’s Find a New Love in Old San Juan date with Nicki and her yellow fingernails

I am worried about Nicki’s weird tight scarf dress that kind of looks like tie dye. But her body can rock it at least. She brings out Ben’s playful side, he says. HELICOPTER. I forgot Nicki was married before. Probably the worst thing you can get in Latin America is a shaved ice, no? Did this episode have an outtake scene? Maybe it should have been Nicki with Montezuma’s Revenge. Now it’s pouring rain. It’s raining gatos, Ben says. I know what gatos means from one of our kids’ Baby Einstein toys. This rain will not throw Nicki off  because as we know, she lives life to the fullest. Continue reading

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bachelorette ashley TMTA, finale and ATFR recap: a surprisingly happy ending (no, not that kind)

Excuse me, ABC. I don't remember this scene from the episode.

It’s possible that I miscalculated but I am pretty sure all told, there were 5 hours of Bachelorette viewing to get through. And I can’t believe I am saying this, but it was worth every second. I feel warm and fuzzy now, something that rarely happens when these seasons end.

The Men Tell All

Chris Harrison caps it off by saying “It is the reunion show you won‘t want to miss.” And my retort: We’ll see about that, Chris. But who am I kidding? I am a junkie and this show is my crack rock.

Million tealight candles in the studio? Check. Let’s begin.

Recap city! It’s narrated via a fireside chat between Chris and Ash. Ashley is wearing shorts though which makes the burning fire ridiculous. The recaps includes: Drunk guy Tim; Mask Jeff is very domestic with chores; William- and this gives Ashley a chance to say the words “amazing” and “journey” at the top of the show; Ryan is one of the “men”, not a boy. Ryan was the hardest goodbye; and Ashley never saw that side of Bentley.

Now it’s the ‘never before seen’ scenes. As much as I love these, it burns me that they aren’t just regularly included scenes each week. I would much rather see JP breaking the entertainment center and DVD player on a date than one more boring helicopter or rose-strewn meal in the middle of a field/lake/rooftop. Anyway, moving on. Other clips we never saw include: Mickey as a “wine goddess” and lots of references to his ‘package’; Ashley’s date with Ames with larvae and crickets; Rice bamboo sticks on date with Ben; Toe cramp during Tai Chi on date with Ryan and the banana plus apple and orange phallic configuration in Ashley’s hotel room. Totally mature. I was also pretty pleased that one of the ha ha moments was catching Ashley with a huge tub of Vaseline by her bed. I had noticed that also. I like to be vinidicated as an astute viewer, what can I say.

This whole segment is interspersed with shots of Mask Jeff. I am happy he has a sense of humor about himself, and super happy that one of his little stunts was a planking shot. Even though planking is so Spring 2011. The new craze is owling.

Bachelor Pad preview

Finally, my real favorite show! I’m so happy Jake and Vienna are on it. Gia needs to get a real job. There is tons of making out. Lots of crying. Including by the men. And lots of stunts that involve the women scantily clad in bikinis. Also, turns out Blake the Dentist is a male chauvinist pig. Kasey and Vienna are dating. This show might actually be “amazing”.

Back to the studio for TMTA. Chris reviews with the guys clips from the season of all the men talking crap about one another. Drunk guy. Ryan. William. Ben C and his life on a dating website. Then back again to the mass house hatred of Ryan. Lucas compared him to a camp counselor. Someone else said puppy. Then the surfer dude leaps to his defense. I learn eventually that the surfer dude is named Nick. He is so feisty and wants to interject and take everyone on. Where was this guy during the season?!

Jeff the Mask claims he first wore a mask to be “hilarious.” Then he doesn’t speak the rest of the show. I feel like the questions could have been more probing. Like, But WHY did you wear a mask?

William sits in the Hot Seat. The flashback montage reminds me that at first he was so sweet, cute and charming. Remember when we all had hope? When they dined in the middle of a faux lake in Vegas. And the The Roast. I am still shocked he wasn’t sent home that second a la Ben C style. I would rather someone make a side crack about a dating website than to publicly call me trash and flat-chested. Ashley is a mysterious woman. William has a lot of self-hate about himself on the show. Says he hates seeing and hearing himself. So good luck with the professional stand-up career then.

Ryan’s turn in the Hot Seat. I think Ryan is cute. Just sayin’. Recap time and then, oh yeah- that squirmy water heater speech. Oy again. But his turmoil at getting rejected makes me sad for him. And then the awkwardness continues when Ryan talks about all the books he read on how to question a potential mate + his journaling habit.

Why dosn’t Chris ask Ryan about flying all the way back to Fiji for a second chance?? That seems like kind of a big and bizarre thing to skip over.

Ames is in the hot seat now, and I still heart Ames. Clearly the audience loves him too. Chris makes some lame pun about “fighting” for Ashley which means we know we’ll be treated, a-gain, to the Muay Thai boxing snafu. Which reminds me, sadly, that stupid Ashley didn’t offer him a rose that night he got a concussion. It’s a nice side benefit of these wrap-up shows that I get to re-live all the things in the season that made me irate. Also, those dumb pink boxing gloves make me irate. Chris keeps trying to spin jokes out of it.

“The biggest villain in Bachelor history” doesn’t show for the episode. Bentley is so boring and I am so bored that there are minutes of this show devoted to him. I start to tense up when I realize that we are about to see the DOT DOT DOT dialogue for the zillionth time. It would have been infinitely more interesting if Bentley could have just showed up to explain. You would think a fame whore would come back on tv when given the opportunity.

It’s also weird to see Michelle Money taking the moral high road and be so indignant that Bentley would speak so poorly about someone while on the show, since I am pretty sure Michelle spent the entire Brad season talking about how she wanted to punch and destroy the other girls and they were little girls and weren’t right for Brad.

Ashley finally emerges in some horrifying black dress with only one arm sleeve and geometric cut0outs that probably makes all the guys happy they dodged a bullet on marrying her. Ashley then cries. Which I need to rewind to verify for sure. Since she never cries. Continue reading

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bachelorette ashley episode 9 recap: it would have been more fun if that masked guy came back to surprise us

RY! Silly fool. I only like when malicious con artists come back and surprise me. NOT genuine and earnest hopeless romantics. Also, this outfit is not doing me any favors.

This recap begins with the usual caveat that I definitely didn’t pay attention to every detail this episode. I was busy either dealing with a child, or peppering my friends with important questions like “Would you make out with Ben?” (2 of 3 of us said Yes).

But I paid attention enough to know that the top three guys + Ashley are in Fiji this week. I don’t know if I missed the cartoon map and cartoon plane bit, but I feel like I don’t know where Fiji really is. I do know though, thanks to ABC, that it’s kind of REDONK beautiful.

We have to first be subjected, of course, to recaps of all the guys even though we saw everything happen from the recap 5 minutes ago. I have to say though, I GOT butterflies when I saw JP come out of the limo again. What is it with this shaved-head Jew?! Yum.

There is also the token shot of Ashley pensively looking at water with, natch, a loosey goosey off-the-shoulder thingy wrap. I got worried this would be another Asian outpost where it rains nonstop, but the rain only appeared to bookend the episode.

Ryan’s surprise

You know what else worried me off the bat? Why Ryan is creeping up on Ashley in Fiji. Can ABC be this asinine to encourage such a foolhardy move? Yes, yes it can.

So I don’t even know how to dissect what Ryan does and then what Ashley does. It basically goes like this:

  1. Ryan decides to do something big, bold, potentially romantic and insane and flies all the way from Somewhere, USA to Fiji to see if Ashley is willing to give him one more try to see if they have a connection.
  2. In theory, this is an incredible gesture, and one I sort of understand. Ryan did get the shaft by never getting a 1 on 1 date until after like a million days of taping and therefore, the odds were majorly stacked against him. He gets that, and also feels like there was once a connection with he and Ash, and so wants to make sure he has no regrets and tries one last time.
  3. In reality, this is a terrible idea. Ashley has never excelled at grace and her initial rejection of Ryan (and non-gracefully so) should have cemented for him that she is not worth his time.
  4. When Ryan actually surprises her (and no doubt he had rehearsed this moment for days and days and the entire million-hour flight to Fiji), Ashley’s reaction is typical low-energy body language and obvious disinterest. She just squeals things like “Ry! RY!” and turns red and really doesn’t say anything. This is because Ashley is a lot of things, but super classy is not one of them. Even if the idea of making out with Ryan makes her want to vomit in her mouth, it is a bold gesture and she could have rewarded him with a compliment for being so dedicated and romantic and also with, oh I don’t know, A COFFEE.
  5. Ryan’s rehearsed speech unfortunately includes him summarizing their failed one date (“we went to tai chi and a temple…”).
  6. Ashley continues her blank stares and lip biting.
  7. Ryan is classy and tells Ashley to think it over.
  8. Ashley is not classy so leaves Ryan hanging for at least three days as a tortured soul wandering Fiji and staring up into the sky at helicopter dates, and then after all that time, goes back to his rented villa and informs him as dispassionately as possible the same exact thing she said the first time she rejected him- essentially, “You’re perfect on paper but in flesh and blood you nauseate me so much you make me want to go lesbo.”
  9. Ryan is classy so wraps up the convo with a little good bye speech about how Ashley is amazing and hopefully finds true love (or something).
  10. Ashley is not classy so she just saunters away with her little middle school tank top and Old Navy shorts.
  11. Ryan has some ‘splaining to do at The Men Tell All.

Ben’s overnight

Ben is super tan. On a sailboat and the two lovebirds are both wearing a peachy red hue. I am jealous of this yacht date. Ben refers to them as “giddy little schoolchildren”. They apply sunscreen to each other in some really long, drawn out foreplay session. Then they go snorkeling and Ashley describes for us the color of the fish. She CAN’T BELIEVE the fish come in so many colors. Continue reading

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bachelorette ashley episode 7 recap: taiwan-dering if anyone cares what happens on this season anymore

Ben, I know you make wine for a living. But let me tell you about wine...

You know what is more interesting than Ashley?

The possible responses are endless. Let’s try some!

Here’s one: What is more interesting than Ashley is that I totally watched the show, and took copious notes, when my newborn was 4 days old and before my c-section stitches were even removed. I am totally the show’s biggest fan! Take that, Kristen Baldwin.

But then the whole intense-nursing-pain (yawn, so boring) thing prevented me from timely blogging. Babies just don’t get this franchise.

So Taiwan. I know it was Taiwan because a little cartoon plane on a cartoon map took everyone there. We are down to six guys and they are riding a bus and everyone looks excited. Of course they are- they get to tour Asia for free. Even Lucas seems happy and we know he hates to travel.

Chris Harrison says a bunch of boring, pointless things plus Taiwan is 100 years old. Something like that. I don’t know as much Asian political history as I should.

At this point in the episode, JP is still my favorite and I am thinking he is really cute because he doesn’t want Ashley to go on any dates with the other guys. And that is true love: not wanting your girlfriend to have multiple partners.

Let Your Love Light Shine date with Constantine

I could write a lot but shouldn’t so I will stick to the basics. There is zero chemistry between Constantine and Ashley. I do not think he is into her and praise be he, he doesn’t seem interested in faking it for aggressive reality tv producers.  Also, in not particular order, there is:

  • a steam engine
  • a backless shirt
  • a small town outside Taipei where there is a lantern festival
  • writing a love wish
Best part of date hands down: When Constantine and his favorable bone structure queries: “Why did you bring me here?”, Ashley’s immediate reply is something along the lines of “Physically you are exactly what I am looking for.” The reverse shallowness is, um, refreshing?

Let’s Spend a “Gorges” Day Together in Taiwan date with Ben

I know it throws everyone off to go from a date with Constantine to one with his doppelgänger, Ben (especially my mom) but I am too busy being annoyed by the date play-on-words stolen from Ithaca, New York. IJS.
Again, the date in bullets:
  • Ben is into Ashley
  • there is a scooter
  • there is an off-the-shoulder green shirt
  • Ben is falling in love with her, or more accurately, falling in “L-bomb” with her, and is feeling butterflies
  • Ben stays the whole night out (Earth to ABC: WHY IS THIS DETAIL GLOSSED OVER? I swear… you spend 700 hours on Boringass Bentley but someone cute and funny gets a sleepover before the overnight dates and we hear NADA. Tsk tsk.)
  • JP gets pissed and stays pissed and gets super annoying
Best part of date hands down: Ashley takes a sip of white wine at dinner and inexplicably blurts out that it tastes very similar to what Ben, the California winemaker, brought her on the first night. Hmmmm. This seems like a terribly misguided comment to make- maybe akin to telling a dentist that your eye tooth looks just like theirs. Ben, to his credit, says something very diplomatic in response, like ” um, we’ll have to taste some wines when you come to my hometown.” Although I know that, like me, he was laughing and crying on the inside. Continue reading

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bachelorette ashley episode 6 recap: hong kong goes all wrong

The loneliest dragon boat coxswain. Ever.

Today is my due date! So it kind of means you have to be nice to me and comment on this week’s show.

In the opening we hear more of Bentley’s name and approximately 400 references to “dot dot dot”. Is this obsession the biggest mystery in mankind’s history? Will scholars be discussing it centuries from now?

Cue to amazing Hong Kong shots and I am way jealous. I have always wanted to go there. Wait- WHAT IS WITH ASHLEY STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERSECTION WITH STOP MOTION TRAFFIC AROUND HER?! I mean, it’s a cool effect but why is ABC all of a sudden gonna pull out some crazy cinematography 20 seasons into this franchise?

Conrad Hotel

Chris surprises Ash in her hotel room and she’s “scared”. Chris mentions she is dicking the “eight outstanding men” around. I tend to agree. Drumroll… “He’s in this hotel”. Oh you know who the He is.

Ashley, ever poised: “SHUT UP” And she tears up.

Can we all stop and give a: Wow, the lame divorcee absentee father just got a free trip to Hong Kong. And it only requires 2 minutes of screen time.

The action takes place in Room #4315.

Ashley waits a long time to knock, dramatically considering her words and perhaps the unfortunate outfit choice of safari shirt. Upon hearing a knock, Bentley says “who is it?” in a weird voice like that Baby Ruth character in Goonies. Ashley is an idiot. The second she gets her paws on Bentley, she smooches him on the lips and grabs his arms. And then Bentley, no doubt throwing up in his mouth, decides it’s a good time to make small talk, like “so, what’s up? What did I miss?!” It would be great if instead he immediately put her out of her misery but I guess that wouldn’t be good tv. Bentley refers to some “reaffirmation of us being on same page.” Seriously? You’re there to set her straight but you feel the need to lie one more time? I guess that’s how family fun center entrepreneurs rake in the clients.

All I notice is that Ashley purses her lips in and out over and over, is wearing gauche make-up and is wearing that damn safari shirt. Oh and looking self-pitying. Not quite the hot tamale that will pull this dude away from his preferred virginal Utah blondes.

Ashley: “If this is a “period”, be a man and put it there.”

By the way, I will die if anyone says dot, dot, dot ever again as long as I live. So, um, if you want me to stay alive, someone please do something.

Ashley wonders why Bentley is rejecting her in person and not on the phone. Bentley doesn’t know what to say to this ludicrous question because, um, the answer is ABC WANTED HIM THERE IN PERSON FOR TV RATINGS.

Bentley puts a period on things and Ashley nows accepts he is a player. YOU ARE A F**KING GENIUS. Continue reading

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