Tag Archives: amanda

bachelor ben h weeks 9 and 10: of sea turtles and chickens

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Won.

I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz

My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.

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Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”

Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?

CAILA

I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”

I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?

LAUREN

Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.

THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.

They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.

At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.

Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!!  A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 5: morning breath, day breath and Teen Mom

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It’s all fun and games until your entire family is brutally murdered in Haiti AND you win a cooking competition but still get dumped by The Bachelor.

I am very relieved ABC’s update on the Iowa caucuses barely interrupted my regularly-scheduled Bachelor viewing. No one cares about the dumb election.

VIVA LA MEXICO! Supposedly.

Emily: “Now that my sister’s not here, I feel like I have nothing holding me back.” I feel like that came out wrong?

The girls say they have never seen anything like this hotel suite. (Except the dope one you had in Vegas and that mansion in LA….)

Olivia is wearing a cross necklace in the opening scene so maybe she is finally getting it? Becca’s going to start bringing the Bible on group dates just to compete.

Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket date with Amanda

(What are the statistical odds that no one has ever read a date card that had their own name on it?)

Ooh Ben H comes in at 4:20am to wake up Amanda for the date. FOUR TWENTY, HOMES!! Hahaha did I seem like a cool drug user just then?

I love these times when the girls all have stank breath and retainers. Do you think the room smells like farts? When Ben said, “Whose weave is this?” I thought he said “weed.” Also, I tried to google the difference between a weave and an extension, because I am hoping the words aren’t racist, but I don’t feel more educated.

I call bullshit. Amanda woke up in FULL MAKE-UP. Her producer was nice and tipped her off to be ready. Because a professional esthetician would never, ever, ever go to bed with a full face of make-up.

Ben and Amanda go on a hot air balloon. And of course, because it’s Mexico City, the sky is full on smog. The look not that into it but try for the cameras. Then they picnic somewhere. And Ben says cheers to the fact that they will be “talking life” later. So then they go talk life at a hotel and Amanda gets real about her ex-husband, the father of her daughters, and his double life with a second cell phone and exes and online dating. The fact that women who look like Amanda get cheated on (or Eva Longoria, let’s be honest) proves what I learned about Why Men Cheat 20 years ago by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. Spoiler Alert: it’s not because they let themselves go. Date rose to single mom Amanda with the Joey Lauren Adams voice. Continue reading

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bachelor sean episode 4 recap: your mouth is telling me no, but your forehead craters are telling me yes, yes, YES

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Let’s pull a Tonya Harding on Amanda.

Hello Chris B Harrison in your on-trend wine-colored button down. No wonder you are starting a fashion line.

The obligatory nekked shot of Sean is this time of him getting ready in the mirror and then looking for something to wear in his closet. These scenes are always gross and remind of a really depressing Chippendales experience. Like, all the sad sack groups of gnarly ladies are hootin’ and hollerin’ and all the classy broads are skeeved out. I wasn’t a fan of Fifty Shades of Gray but I am pretty sure one of the takeaways is that maybe deep down women like their turn-ons with a hefty side of not-that-obvious. Sean’s glistening hairless ab intros are bordering on homoerotic to me. I hope someone is enjoying it because it’s not me.

Let’s Turn Up the Heat date with Selma

Selma is so excited to hear her date read from the card, she skips out of the room. Tierra shoots daggers from her eyes (figuratively – although no doubt she would literally shoot them if she had the capability). Leslie H also inexplicably cries.

In the limo it’s cute that Selma and Sean are playing handsies. So cute I don’t get too miffed when Selma casually mentions she’s 110 lbs. Honestly, you don’t get on this show with any type of BMI in the normal range so I don’t see why anyone even raised an eyebrow over on Twitter.

Selma’s hot yoga outfit is too boring for a private jet. Oh well. She is being funny when she mock-complains that “They took the Iraqi to a desert.”

Oh look, they’re at Joshua Tree National Park! I love Joshua Tree. Do you want to hear the story about me driving cross-country with two friends in the summer of 1998? No? Fine. Screw you.

The couple goes rock climbing and just sort of scales a humongous cliff face like it’s no bigs. Sean keeps saying “you’re doing good“. Ugh. Wait, can you just never rock climb ever in your life and then just do that? Does anyone know? How is Selma’s make-up flawless at the top and neither has a bead of sweat?

The nighttime part of the date is like a mini RV park with cutesy glamping campers. Blakeley and Tony already did a version of this and it was more romantic because it led to their five-second engagement. Selma is also dressed all wrong with a long dress and leather blazer coat and bejeweled bejewels.

But more importantly Selma is gazing at Sean adoringly – with ravenous intentions – but then says “you’re going to find an incredible girl” or something. I don’t understand that comment at all. Selma then creates some major blue balls with the news that she grew up in a strict Muslim Arabic home and that dating is basically forbidden and kissing is forbidden. What is not forbidden however, is bikini beach volleyball, bare shoulders, major stroking and eye sex.

Sean gives her the rose. Continue reading

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bachelor sean episode 2 recap: a colorful rainbow of hades ladies

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Because she deserved it.

Ugh, I couldn’t even bring myself to recap at first because I went to see Les Miz and then came home and watched this usual poo poo at 1am. That’s a double dose of BOR-ing and I needed some space to reflect on the crime of boringness.

So the show opens to Sean pumping iron. AND THEN SHOWERING. That’s a new one for Bachelor Universe I think. (Or did Jake Pavelka shower? He did get a mud bath.) I don’t even know what to say.

Chris B Harrison comes out in some chic navy plaid button down that makes me wish Possessionista wrote about the boys’ threads too. “Sean is probably the most sincere Bachelor we’ve ever had on this show” Chris reminds the ladies again. It will be funny on the next Bachelor season when he doesn’t say that about the dude.

Are You Ready to Fall in Love Today date with Sarah

Sarah is getting ready and tells the camera it’s “What’s on the inside of me is that’s important.” That is never true on the Bachelor, or pretty much anywhere else in life besides the dark.

She looks cute in a flowy hot pink tank top while a helicopter arrives outside the Womansion. And Kacie B is wowed by said helicopter. So apparently she hasn’t actually ever been on this show before.

Of course Sarah gets chosen to do the “physical” date. Sean is very central casting nice guy and so he would of course want to show that Sarah can do anything and I am not discriminatory. That would have been so crazy if he chose Sarah instead for a date to Walter Reed Hospital to visit with the amputee vets in PT. Or even crazier if he picked her for a round of Twister.

Sarah: “I think this is the biggest dream of my life come true so far.” (That sucks for you.)

“Free fall” means getting dropped while basically connected to bungee ropes without the pull-back. Look at Sarah’s perfect butt in that harness! The jump actually looks kind of awesome to me. I can’t believe I am feeling that way.

Then they have a drink on some low rooftop. Later she changes into some LBD and Sarah and Sean clink wine glasses and Sarah immediately launches into a story about trying to zip line in Vegas with her dad but state law prohibited anyone with disabilities from doing it. I think the moral of the story, from the best I can read Sarah’s words, is that her father told her she needs to find a strong man to share those difficult moments with to deal with them for her. I am aghast at this blow against feminism and able-bodyism but Sean’s response is that he is happy to be the protector. It’s sweet in a Southern Baptist Convention sort of way.

I just can’t shake that Sarah’s flat kind of midwestern/valleyish monotone is a little annoying but regardless Sean gives kind of a genereric lead in and then gives Sarah a rose. He tells us he has butterflies and they kiss! I actually didn’t think chaste Sean would go for it so early on. But they go for it all right.

Sarah: “I feel like I’m falling in love with Sean.”

Group date that may have some kind of play-on-words name but I missed it

13 girls go on this date but I’m not even going to name them because it’s still early days in the season and I don’t care. No one cheers when “Tierra” gets called on the date card, which is pretty funny. Hahahaha.

Yoga instructor natural curly-haired Katie is worried in a group setting she will be overshadowed by bigger personalities. *Foreshadowing alert.* Also, Twitter was on fire about her hair. I must say, it was daring of her to just let her hair do its thing. I think one day we need a full post just to discuss Bachelor/ette hair generally.

The group pulls up at a McErsatz Castle and inside they all learn they will be part of a photo shoot to be cover models for Harlequin novels to appear on 3 real book covers! The purpose of this date is to show us how in love with the profession Kristy is.

Not-Kool Kristy: This is my element. This is what I breathe. WEEEEEE. I’m ecstatic right now. This is a dream come true.

Random, but why is Tierra SO offended Kristy has extensions? “I’m au naturel, baby.” she says as some kind of dig against no one. My guess is Tierra has something fake on her body somewhere so she needs to clam it. She is like a one-woman hater against early stage female baldness. Some other girls are a-gossipin’  since they hate Tierra so much. In earshot: “tacky hos are a dime a dozen.” I need a quote board for the season.

Katie yoga girl got the shaft in the 4 possible dress-up categories by being a Tim Burton-esque vampire lady. The historical weirdos got the shaft too. I hate group dates anyway and then especially when they are so unjust.

Sean: “Lesley M (bare midriff cowgirl) has made a big impression on me. Maybe because I get to see another side.” And he wasn’t even trying for a double entendre.

And Lesley is not just a washboard of abs. Girl is funny too. On Tierra: “The eye of the hurricane is coming. Category 5.” Continue reading

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