Tag Archives: after the final rose

bachelor ben h finale: spoiler alert- everyone dies


Right out of the gate, ABC wants us to know it’s going to be an extra special live finale show. Both families are in the studio audience waiting for After The Final Rose, as are Neil Lane and Ben Higgins’ pastor. What the?

Back to Sandals Jamaica

Lauren B and JoJo both pontificate about their love for Ben whilst wearing cutoff Daisy Dukes. Meanwhile, Ben’s head is a mess. He is not wearing cutoff jean shorts and still he says “I’m scared I’m making a mistake.”

Higgins family

Ben’s an only child! Weird. I think I am closer in age to Ben’s dad, Dave, than Ben. In unrelated news, Dave is very handsome – I’m sure we can all agree. Proof that I’m #almost40 is that I would rather get with Dave than Ben. Time was a man didn’t need a side rib cage tattoo to be sexy.

Ben’s mom, Amy, is disturbed that her son claims to be in love with two women. Also she says of Ben: “he can get impatient and worked up.” “It’s not all about the rosy.” No weird premonitions there, hopefully.

Lauren B gets the first family meeting. She brings flowers as a gift at a resort where every surface is covered with flowers. Zero points for creativity. Always. I hope one day on this show someone brings a future in-law like a cheese board or tea towel or that fake dog poop pile you can trick people with. Lauren tells the parents she loves Ben and asks them if they think he’s ready to be married. Dad said yes. And saying that about a 25 year-old is not insignificant.

Ben: “I can see Lauren as my wife.” Whatever that means.

JoJo is up next. She’s really good and demonstrative with Ben’s parents. JoJo also points out she knows Ben is hard on himself and that seems to resonate with his mom and dad. Or is Amy again thinking about her son’s dark side.

Dave asks JoJo what it is about Ben that JoJo loves, and as is custom on this show, she doesn’t answer- just says she loves him and he’s her best friend. It would be nice one day to hear someone actually list traits in a uniquely observational way. That’s true love.

Amy: “For me, it did feel different today.” And SPOILER ALERT: that’s gonna be the first comment that’s going to be hard to take back later.

Ben basically then tells JoJo he is proposing to her. BASICALLY. Good like taking that back later too.

Lauren B’s “LAST DATE”

They’re on a catamaran. Why does Ben have to keep saying I Love You to these girls? I hope one of these girls gets violently angry when she loses. And then it’s hard because he alternates between seeming distracted and then wanting to be all over Lauren.

Ben: “I knew I loved you right away, and it freaked me out and I don’t know why.” “I get freaked out when things seem too good to be true.” It turns out Ben is a little hung up on the fact that he doesn’t know what life is like with Lauren “when things get hard.” He feels he and JoJo have already made it through hard times. IN FOUR WEEKS. Hahahahahahaha. So basically Lauren, a nice genuine person, is penalized for not dumping her ex-boyfriend a day before filming starts and having him inappropriately place roses and a letter on her doorstep during a hometown visit.

Lauren left the date feeling defeated and she could tell Ben was stressed and had doubt in his mind. So she pulls on her big-girl false eyelashes and sits down on the couch with Ben that night and says I am ready to spend my whole life with you and I’ve never been more sure of anything. And then Ben doesn’t even crack a smile or so we think EDITING.

We’re left feeling worried about these two. And also bored. They are such a nice, boring couple. BUT BABY SEA TURTLES. Continue reading


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bachelorette des episode 11 finale part II + atfr: the old love switcheroo (happens every time!)

Hey y’all, I have a balls out week so I have merely but these bullets:

  • I like the serious sit-down between Des and Chris Harrison in BIG WICKER CHAIRS.
  • There’s a lot of loud, audible sniffles being picked up on the clip-on mic.
  • Whoever did Chris Harrison’s make-up used too much green-tinted foundation.
  • Did I get this conversation wrong?

Des: My heart is broken. I don’t want to go on. Chris is relaxed and Drew is sweet but Brooks was who I truly loved and he broke my heart.

Chris Harrison: So what I hear you saying is you want to continue on?

  • Drew and Chris are good-looking. I mean I know that’s kind of a prerequisite of the show but, they’re good-looking. Oh and she gives them roses ALTHOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
  • There is a lady in the studio audience with a crazy red dress with like weird pieces hanging on each arm. And possibly wearing a wig.
  • It’s kind of disingenuous to give each remaining guy five hours to see if they can escalate to Brooks-exciting-fall-in-love level. Ready, Set, DAZZLE ME.
  • Des’s rhinestoned half tank is soooooooooooooooooo bad.
  • Drew is so crazy hot. He even takes rejection in a hot way.
  • Des looks weird in this bandeau bikini top and skirt and long torso.
  • No one ever takes me on a catamaran.
  • Ergo, I hate everyone.
  • Des is clearly wayyyyyy more into Chris. Chris called their connection “awesome”, so that’s a bummer.
  • Does Chris not know Zak already got Des a journal?
  • So apparently it only takes five hours to do a switcheroo on true love. #istandcorrected
  • What reality show did they pull Sean and Catherine out from?
  • Des’s brother is lucky he got a free trip to Antigua. Also, why is he doing all the talking?
  • Snoozefest 2013. Slow Talker Convention 2013.
  • Oh Neil Lane, you comforting presence, you.
  • I like the top of Des’s nude dress (one shoulder at least, the boob part is ill-fitting) but Chris’s good looks have kind of been a sleeper hit this season.
  • Oh Des’s speech is actually giving me tingles. It’s like tearjerker rom com stuff. Chris is making me cry. CHRIS!


Brooks is pretty smoking in his super fitted tartan-esque suit and skinny tie. And no Drew is not rocking a waistcoat!! He doesn’t even seem gay today. Just hot. Chris and Juan Pablo WHO.

I was very skeptical, but as has happened in the past, seeing the couple’s real chemistry during ATFR helps. She does seem totally in love with him, and no one has ever doubted Chris’s intentions towards Des. So I guess we’ll see. (Not to mention I worry about an LA-obsessed girl in Seattle.)

There’s a lot of post-mortem around the internets but this is one from Jezebel is good I think: The Horror of Settling: The Bachelorette’s Emotional Pornography.

I am pretty damn excited for a Juan Pablo season. This franchise needed an electric shock. Also, his Bio makes me laugh:

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo

Age: 31
 Former Pro Soccer Player
 Barquisimeto, Venezuela
Shoe Size:
Favorite Childhood Memory:
 Winning a youth soccer tournament
Hot-Spot Club or Low-Key Bar: 
Hot spot, because that’s where they play the danceable music.
Favorite Book: Don’t read

He doesn’t even bullshit. Doesn’t have to. Hopefully no poetry.

So want to hear what you all think! Is it January yet?


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bachelor brad finale and ATFR recap: poking the bear

This position makes me feel as awkward as your relationship.

Previously on The Bachelor…

Chantal = (1) dramatic slap out of limo, (2) electric connection and (3) the emotional roller coaster side of her worries Brad.

Emily = (1) one in a million, (2) an intimidating past and (3) she and Ricki as a package deal.

Now that we have that covered, time for some sweeping montages and pensive looks!

Helicopters. Biggest decision of Brad’s life. Chantal has a terrible bathing suit tan line at the altar rose ceremony. Lion King music. Brad determines that looking over Cape Town seems to be like looking out over the entire world (hmm). Trusts his family…

Brad’s family emerges from the bushes and jumps right into things

So, um, I am assuming they all get to hang out first, right? Sorry, I should be more sensitive. Brad has a total breakdown and sobbing fit upon laying eyes on his family. This gets the mom and sisters-in-law a bit emotional too, and confuses the brothers. Because they know Brad is a Robot. But Chad the Twin has Brad’s back and says this burst of tears is “the real Brad”.

Brad wants to let his family “make their own opinions”. Can you make an opinion? Or only form one? Here is an opinion I just made: I am keeping my eye on these sisters-in-law, Dillon/Dylan and Prima/Preema. I don’t know why, I just have a feeling.

Chantal interviews with Brad’s family

I immediately become distracted when poor Chantal (and I am on her team, okay) says “what made me knew I loved Brad…” You are nervous, of course. But that is a pretty bad grammatical blunder as far as those go. Yikers. But I rally and start listening to her again and realize she is talking some genuineness and sense, describing Costa Rica and falling in love.

Interlude question: why does younger brother Wes look so unlike his older twin brothers? Do you think that makes him super mad?

Second interlude question: Does Chantal look like maybe she has gained the Freshman 15 during the filming? I feel bad saying that because I still think she is adorable like the not-fat fat girl in Love Actually who bags Hugh Grant. Continue reading


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bachelorette recap: even my cold cynic’s heart has thawed

I am sweaty, your dress is ugly, Will you salsa dance with me forever?

I suppose there was no way this finale could be a train wreck. That would have required a visit from Frank and then maybe another sit-down with Jake and Vienna on a catamaran throwing live stingrays at one another. No… Ali, for all her quirks and constant gym hair, had a goal to find love and refused to totally play the ABC game and lead anyone on. I begrudgingly give her credit for that. Begrudgingly because damn she still irritates me.

Can we suffer through a recap? I think her atrocious ensembles demand it.

Opening montage of scenes past

I am fast forwarding. Too much, ABC. Too much.

Then Chris Harrison’s voiceover: “an unforgettable season finale of The Bachelorette” which meant I immediately determined the finale would be totally bad and forgettable. I hate being wrong.

Bora Bora

Crystal aqua water? Check.

Powdery white sand? Check.

Sweeping vistas? Check.

Annoying sequence where Ali reminisces? Unfortunately.

The scene opens to Ali slicing through the water dramatically poised atop a catamaran wrapped in a red/orange (my Slingbox is not perfect on color) wrap and looking very serious. She talks about this as the most difficult and challenging journey of her life. I wish I had set my timer for first Journey mention.

Then it’s time, way too early IMHO, for some serious foreshadowing. Ali wonders aloud if Roberto is “too good to be true” and says she knew after their overnight date when she woke up she was “falling in love with him.” She has never spoken that way about any of the other guys.

Then it gets worse when pondering over Chris, she narrates “friends that are just starting to fall… all my relationships started out as friends.” Ruh roh. Never good to compare a potential soul mate to all your failed relationships. Also Ali said “I cherish my time with Chris.” Cherish is the word people use on this show to mean not-love.

Then I just hear a bunch of words, like

MASSACHUSETTS (That state Chamber of Commerce should seriously thank this show) Continue reading


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