bachelorette andi hometowns: an unfortunate dearth of awkward family moments

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Cheers! It’s almost over!

First things first: I know who gets the boot because Twitter. Ugh.

Nick’s Hometown: Milwaukee

Nick’s most favorite place in the city is the Public Market. Andi would not wear the cheesehead thing and say Let’s Go Packers. Brewery date = always solid. And then they polka to klezmer music. I finally have Midwest friends in my life, so, I get it. This part of the country is awesome. Except for the no-coasts things.

Now they head to met Nick’s very large family. Wait, how many siblings? Why couldn’t brother Sam make it? Sister Maria’s opinion matters the most. Andi’s serious listening face is very frowny. Also, Nick has a verrry little sister, Bella. There is some Duggar sh*t going on here. Mom has had 17 kids and looks crazy young with a rad haircut and still wears some fierce boots! I have two kids, and it’s frump city around here. Sad face.

Chris’ Hometown: Arlington, Iowa

Population: 758. PASS!

Soooo I don’t even need to watch this segment to know Andi will never live here, or anywhere near a farm. But maybe The Pioneer Woman has a different opinion.

You know how Andi says: “Shut. Up. Shuuuuuut. Up.” when something is fun or surprising to her? It’s the worst. Chris drives a combine or tractor, or whatever it is. Even though the promo made it seem like Chris tells Andi she could be a homemaker in Iowa, it turns out he follows it quickly with, she could be a DA in Cedar Rapids. That was unnecessarily provocative, ABC.

Chris gets a cropduster plane to carry “Chris Loves Andi” banner above them. She calls it “sweet” so uh oh.

Then they head to mom and dad’s house. I love when people squeal when the Bachelor/ette walks in. My in-laws definitely did not squeal when they met me for the first time.

Poor, sweet mom seems worried that Chris might move out of Iowa. All the adult siblings went and played Ghost in the Graveyard. It would be cool if this turned into a horror movie. Do you think all the cameramen will give away their location?

Josh’s Hometown: Tampa

Tampa is one of those places I don’t believe people are from. Whatever, Tampa.

What is Josh’s current job? Why are we not allowed to know? They go play baseball on Josh’s old baseball diamond stomping grounds. Andi broke a bat, which is all kinds of awesome.

Josh: “My whole life I dreamed of going to the Hall of Fame, and then I realized what was important in life.” Long story short, Josh and the entire family are focused on getting the youngest, Aaron, drafted to the NFL. A connected theme is that Josh’s family is all very inter-connected and, foreshadowing, can they all handle going their separate ways?

Parents are predictably attractive. Wondering if sister Stephanie plays professional sports. Josh loves his pit bull (?) Sable. This family is very close. I cannot say anything snarky about that. Andi does not seem as happy about this. Dad: “You marry a family. We’re a unit.” But the younger sibs are more normal about Josh marrying and moving on. And then they all attractively play touch football as best friends in the backyard. This is similar to my family. Except for none of it. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi week 7: scarves

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Sorry I’m not sorry.

There are too many jaunty neck scarves for me.

Let’s cut to the chase. I don’t even remember this season is still going (tonight my husband had to tell me), and you don’t read this. Soooo, let’s not waste precious time we could be searching for GIFs, and we’ll just recap via word association:

Brussels (sprouts)

Melting Pot because French, Dutch, and Flemish

Scarves

Marcus Gosling is so hot

Nick = Deep V

Bad selfie

Mussels

Journaling

Nose crinkle

Dope dress

Andi’s “listening” face

Deadbeat dad

No hotel on Earth gives a key card to a fake husband not listed on the room manifest.

Manifest

Skeev City

Passion

Tree kissing

Duck/Goose parade Continue reading

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bachelorette andi weeks 5 and 6: palaces and gondolas, y’all

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Our love is like an attack of flying rats.

I keep forgetting this show even airs. I am so disappointed in myself.

The one thing I will say about this Least Dramatic Season of The Bachelorette Ever is that I realllllly like the guys. When they showed scenes from the last 3 years, I mean weeks, I was thinking that I would totally date like a number of these guys. And I mean we can all agree: I am the barometer.

Pause: Isn’t it weird we have never spoken about how Ron’s friend died and he left the show? Un-pause.

MARSEILLE, FRANCE

If this was an accurate portrayal of France (why has Andi never been there before?), there would be a lot of chain-smoking and mediocre street quiche.

Voyons si notre amour peut tenir le cap … date with Josh

I minored in French in college and have no idea what the date card says.

Chris Harrison sits down at an outdoor cafe with Andi and asks her if she’s fallen in love and she says Yes, with more than one person/man.

Cue: date with Josh. It wouldn’t be a good Euro cinematic shot without some laundry hanging on a line out the window. They walk around Marseilles, get some sammies, say Merci and board a boat and discuss Josh’s jock past while striking a Titanic pose.

Josh claims he stopped playing professional baseball because he wanted a family.

I have nothing to say.

Their boat stops somewhere in the Calanques rocky hilly formation and it’s the off-season so they’re wearing sweaters in the wind and talking more about Josh’s jock past. Andi doesn’t make eye contact when they talk. Andi claims she is gun shy now because of Juan Pablo, ie hot jock = the wrong match.

Meanwhile the guys are sitting the hotel talking about why Andrew is a bad guy. 1. the phone number from the waitress incident 2. at a Rose Ceremony Andrew said something like “wow, she have a rose to the two Blackies.” Even if he said “Black guys,” that is super inappropriate, embarrassing, and pathetic. Blackie? I’m sorry, JJ, I don’t believe that even lose cleft chin guy used a word last heard in 1951. Marquel is smart enough to know this is hearsay.

Marquel cries into the camera and basically in few words imparts to the millions watching the painful reality of living and breathing racism directed at you daily. I am not sure there has been a more authentic or poignant moment ever in this series, and since I read Twitter spoilers, it looks like all around it’s not Marquel’s night.

Dinner for Andi and Josh is inside a castle? I actually don’t know – all European buildings look like castles. This could be the DMV for all we know.

Andi is bitching that she doesn’t yet have an emotional, mental connection with Josh. I think she is over-thinking it because honestly, Josh has been willing to talk about anything Andi brings up. It’s not like JP where he grins and then starts french kissing. PUN. ?

They’re just two kids from Atlanta, y’all. Rose.

Gross,  they go dance to a private concert by someone- who cares. Private concerts are the new helicopter.

[blank] group date

The boyz II men gather in a Marseilles square and head to a dance studio to learn how to MIME. A good French stereotype, so why not.

The thing about the white face paint is it brings out the yellow in the teeth. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi week 3 parts I and II and the end of week 4: lying in wait

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Emmett “Doc” Brown meets a Fixodent ad.

NIGHT I

Andi gets to stay at the Bacara Resort & Spa in Santa Barbara and have her boy toys come to her. I see each season they get out of LA quicker.

Let’s Ride Off Into the Sunset date with Nick V

“What are the chances things are going to work out between us?” – Nick

Wha? I actually had to rewind that. V.confused.

They bike around blah blah blah, while the guys back at the house analyze Nick. I love when the guys have to get in touch with their inner estrogen to stave off house arrest boredom.

Nick tells Andi he has a crush on her, which is kind of super adorable. Then they rock scramble.

At dinner that night, I am confused. Here is why: Andi is in cocktail attire, including hair and accessories. Nick V is wearing a hybrid military/bomber/mini trench jacket with popped collar over a v-neck tea and v-neck sweater. I know layering is in (or at least was in 2012), but I keep thinking he is about to leave the date.

He gets the rose anyway, and they smooch overlooking Santa Barbara. In the voiceover Andi says “if I develop real feelings for Nick…” which I’m hoping was an editing trick of chronological time manipulation since Andi and Nick just made out for a while.

Let’s Start Things Off on the Right Note group date

I know Andi has baby teeth but have you guys noticed they slope unevenly? Like they are slightly shorter on her left side (right side when you’re looking directly at her)?

The men go into Hahn Hall to learn they are going to sing with Boyz II Men. Boyz II Men are sacred, so the only reason I don’t punch these yahoo Bachelor guys in their nut sacks for trying to yuk it up with them, is because I believe in my heart some of them are the right age cohort to revere them too. The guys all practice, as does Andi, and most of them suck. Then they learn they will be singing “I’ll Make Love to You” at a Boyz II Men concert later that day. Which turns out to be at an outdoor shopping center.

Sad Face.

At the After Party, we could all relax. Andi played a trick on Cody, and Ryan Gosling went in for a kiss. Andi kept her hand on his face and her nose squished against him, and looked super happy. Ryan Gosling for the win. But then comes Josh the ex-athlete with the ultra white teeth and Andi pulls him in to her asymmetrical teeth lair. They whisper and smooch. And Josh gets the rose! And Marcus Gosling gets the sads.

Love is Timeless date with JJ

JJ the Pantspreneur and Andi get old age make-up and go out into Santa Barbara and walk around and pretend to be old. They even adopt old people voices- impressive! Best part is they get to ride motorized scooters. Then they pull a Bad Grandpa and start doing cartwheels and playing football. Andi says she’s never dated anyone as fun as JJ before.

JJ says what he finds most attractive about Andi is not her looks. And it actually is probably genuine coming from him.

JJ keeps asking Andi if “he can steal a kiss”, which makes me feel bad because I read in a tabloid interview with Andi that can’t stand when guys ask permission first before trying for a kiss- that it’s not manly. You know what is manly? Aggressive dry humping. I digress. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi week 2: side boob y’all

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The guy in the plaid shorts is like, “Are we underdressed?”

I’m only agreeing to this recap because I was in a good mood yesterday from Memorial Day. Which sentence alone is pathetic. Good mood = dying for your country. Wtf.

THANK YOU, MEN AND WOMEN WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES FOR THIS COUNTRY.

Now on to a reality dating show.

The bros are psyched yo to move into the mansion.

Chris Harrison gathers the fellas and tells them: “I’ve been doing this a long time and, she’s one of the best.” I want to know who’s the worst. Spill it, Harrison.

Love is Everywhere date with Eric WHO ULTIMATELY DIES

I’m going to let Eric rest in peace and say only the following:

He can do a back flip on dry land. Also, they take a helicopter from the beach and land on Bear Mountain in the snow, but since Eric is/was an extreme sports enthusiast and has been all over the world, I can’t imagine this is that new or amazing.

Eric gets a rose.

I think Andi overuses “Stop.” when she wants to indicate or evoke disbelief/support/awe/humorous reciprocity in a conversation.

Let’s Bare Our Souls group date

The gang goes to some male revue strip club. Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling gets the solo act cause Andi is FEELIN’ Marcus tonight. Woo!

How do we feel about this riff on military themes by the half-naked men on Memorial Day? Is it more or less disrespectful than me drinking 4 Miller High Lifes in a row?

Magic Cody, with his kissing his ‘roid muscles and uber-white teeth and yellow faux-hawk is so un-magical.

This is s gross but honestly, some of these guys have crazy hot bods.

After Party

Hello Andi’s lowcut dress with front and side boob! So on trend, so boobtastic.

Brian the teacher is growing on her. Josh the ex pro-baseball player doesn’t want Andi to stereotype him.

Craig is wasted. Goes in the pool. Yells. Goes on a destructive tear throughout the house.

Opera is not sexy.

Marcus Gosling gets the group date rose.

Let’s Get Our Love On Track date with Chris

Andi and Chris get dolled up in “40s glam” and go to the Santa Anita horse track. They actually look positively adorable and Chris is such a nice Iowa farm boy. I have nothing bad to say. Except since when do farmers have such hip “gay stylist” hairstyles?

Also, I could never rock Andi’s green dress, and that makes me : ( .

Also, did producers plant that old couple that had been together 55 years?

Okay, now I am done with the negative comments.

Chris reveals he was once engaged, and broke it off because he knew in his gut she wasn’t the one. Chris gets a rose. The dance to a private concert and who cares. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi season premiere: with that being said

I have nothing snarky to say. So far.

I have nothing snarky to say. So far.

Well, I hope the season is a good one. Because it is dedicated to someone who died tragically. And also Andi quit her ADA job. Last but not least, I AM SO TIRED OF WATCHING THESE.

I am. I’m being honest.

Hi, Andi! You are cute. As predicted, your hair has toned down the two-tone and your Jewish Shrek dad already has a starring role on the season (case in point: we never got to hear mom talk).

I like the staged entre where Chris Harrison helps Andi with her one carry-on suitcase into her rental house in LA. Andi’s sister comes to help her get ready, which is sweet and realistic. I’m also glad Andi doesn’t choose the bedazzled-on-steroids dress. Oh wait, she does. Bummer.

The boyzzzzzz

MARCUS, Sports Medicine Manager from TX – I don’t think a 25 year-old is ready for marriage, but maybe from Texas. Andi: “He is hot!” She reminds us of this fact later. To me he is a dead ringer for a Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling. He’s growing on me. His favorite place anywhere is Copenhagen. ROSE.

CHRIS, corn and soybean farmer from Iowa: Super eager and a little short for tv and his eyes are kind of squinty. Which means he’ll probably be my favorite and he’ll get booted Night 1. ROSE.

JJ, pantrspreneur from San Francisco in a bow tie. Dorky but probably super confident. ROSE.

MARQUEL, sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas: Normal height, from Las Vegas and not white. Three strikes for the show. But seems super sweet. His great love is cookies? You can’t make a girl who is dressed to the nines eat a bunch of cookies! What about her teeth?! ROSE.

TASOS, wedding event coordinator in Denver: Earrings, faux-hawk and um, WEDDING EVENT COORDINATOR?? He does this lock from Lovers Bridge in Paris schtick. She liked it. ROSE.

CODY, personal trainer from Chicago: Popped collar, bleached faux-hawk, pretends to push a limo. No no no no no. ROSE. Wait, what?

STEVEN, snowboard product developer from California: Kind of adorable even with the dangerously Ben Flajnikish hair. Used the word “stoked” so points detracted. SENT HOME.

RUDIE, attorney from Long Beach: Cute schtick riffing on the Fourth Amendment and criminal search warrants BUT teeth too white. We all know how that plays with me. Also, he drew a HEART OVER THE “I”. No. SENT HOME.

CARL, firefighter from Ft Lauderdale: brings a globe for her which is cute. Kinda like that his pants are tailored short at the bottom. ROSE.

JASON, urgent care physician from Wisconsin: His joke about her having a fever and being hot is so bad, you would only accept it from a nice Midwesterner. The problem is that 2002 called and it wants it’s hair back. Sorry, Jason, I can’t imagine you last until tomorrow. SENT HOME. He doesn’t know what it was. YOUR HAIR, YOUR HAIR, YOUR HAIR. Continue reading

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bachelor juan pablo finale/atfr: it is what it is (spoiler alert: the season is over!!)

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Appropriately dressed, as always. #hungergamestribute

Chris Harrison promises this will be the Most Controversial Finale in Bachelor History. For once, they deliver on the hyperbole. Although, it feels like a spoiler.

Juan Pablo promised a surprise at ATFR. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

After some ominous sound effects of hyperventilating crying in a jungle, Chris Harrison joins us live from a studio audience, and with stars from Bachelors past. Wait, does that always happen? I can’t remember, but I don’t think so.

Once upon a time, there was an infinitesimal chance that a friend could get me tickets to this finale. It didn’t work out and as the season went on, I just kept feeling I had dodged a bullet because it was all such a flop. But now I am re-thinking…

Clare meets the family

Cute that Juan Pablo’s whole family is in St Lucia together, from all points Miami and Venezuela. They are obviously psyched to be getting this reunion on ABC’s dime, but all have IQs high enough to know that their cad-about-town, Juan Pablo, is not serious about this or the girls.

Finally they edit in the fact that Clare’s mom is Mexican and the whole family speaks Spanish but her. Weird.

Juan Pablo looks a lot like his mom.

His mom, Nelly, and Clare bond over the fact that Juan Pablo can be rude and make them both cry. This is super healthy.

Pervert Cousin Rodolfo takes some 1 on 1 time with Clare. Her answer to whether she is in love with Juan Pablo, is “I’m falling in love with him.” Usually the girls are more sure by now. And now the cousin is carrying on the theme of hinting that Juan Pablo has anger and coping issues.

Juan Pablo’s father, on the hand, is not afraid of the L word. In a Bachelor first, he says to the bachelorette: “I love you.”

When Clare left, surprise surprise, she and Juan Pablo just made out for a while. Cause that’s how they do.

Nikki meets the family

Oh yeah, Nikki already met the parents. Today, she should just come naked. Juan Pablo’s reaction to her arrival makes it seem like he wants her to be the one.

It’s weird that Nikki adores being a pediatric nurse, but it never seems like she’s that attentive or demonstrative to/with Cameeeela.

Juan Pablo’s dad to Nikki: “He’s [Juan Pablo] not an easy guy. He thinks he knows he truth in everything.” These girls can never say they weren’t warned.

And then Juan Pablo’s mom, basically, in a nutshell, I think, says that Juan Pablo spends his entire weekends watching tv.  And then says she’s “pretty sure” he’s ready to get married.

Then the cousin asks: “How much fighting can you take? I mean, I love the guy, but…” Um.

Um.

Uhhhhhh.

Um.

I love these Venezuelans. So honest.

Juan Pablo to the camera/universe: “Can I keep both?”

Live Studio Audience pointlessness

I think Catherine is already doing the whole post-wedding Freshman 15 thing. Not that I am hating. I am a huge fan of the lifelong Freshman 15 thing. Just observing, y’all. I’m a famous blogger. I have responsibilities. Continue reading

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