bachelor ben is coming: i guess i’ll be writing about it

Only because Bachelor in Paradise keeps my soul alive. This franchise has become my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and the summer programming is my medically-prescribed heat lamp. It’s winter now. So let’s slog through this together starting Monday, January 4, 2016.

By the way, if the intro packages include lots of Kaitlyn/Shawn updates, and how broken-hearted Ben H was, I will have PTSD. You heard it here first.

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bachelorette kaitlyn I think LA to San Antonio to Ireland to Utah (or something): to be continued

I could not have seen this coming.

I could not have seen this coming.

The past month of the world’s greatest television franchise in a nutshell (but a very big nut. like a walnut shell, not an almond. wait, is an almond a nut or a seed?):

Clint: “I’m best best best best friends with JJ. We’ve become very very very very close.” (4 repeating adjectives each time. I counted.)
Kaitlyn on Clint: “I liked you. I don’t trust you. Let’s say goodbye.”
JJ in the most exciting 180 shift in the show’s history: “Clint, you owe everyone an apology for taking emotional capital from the room.” (or something)
Then they have a weird close face lovers quarrel.
Clint jumps in the exit vehicle, and JJ stays behind and bawls.

Please, please, please, please (4 times) if there is a higher power, hear my prayer and let this be the focus of the Men Tell All.

There is a rap battle spearheaded by Doug E Fresh (whom, no doubt, has been paid handsomely) and JJ shares that “I have listened to zero rap; I listen to Broadway show tunes regularly.” Contextual clue now making me realize I was silly to assume during the Clint drama JJ might be closeted. Phew, close one.

This rap battle is mostly notable for the fact that NICK VIALL and Ashley Iacone (where from and why did she emerge?) came to watch and then hang out in the lobby afterward, thus completely re-directing the show’s arc for the remainder of the season. In retrospect, I can’t say I am sorry Nick came back to crash the season but he does have an inexplicable number of social media haters.

The guys then all flip out the Nick is joining the cast: No one more than Joshua with the Frog Voice (because frogs talk) and Shawn Gosling.

Kaitlyn gets her hair done by ASHLEY ONION from Farmer Chris’ season, who looks and acts more intelligible than we remember and who is appropriately being cross-promoted for the upcoming Bachelor in Paradise cast.

There aren’t that many helicopters this season but Jared gets to go on one on his date and he also gets to wear a tux and I forget what they do but I remember that he’s handsome. You know, his angular face can be hit or miss but I think it errs on the side of handsome. And I’m the boss of good looks. (Have you met me?!)

There is this group date at the theatre where Aladdin is on in LA and it’s maybe, I can’t remember, where we first get exposed to how arrogant and delusional Ian from Princeton is: “I’m a man of many talents and want to showcase one of them.” Of course, he’s not even a good singer.

Gratuitous boring conversation between Britt and Brady juxtaposed.

Because there is no god, and life is all random, and we’re just a mass of space trash hurling into the sun to obliterate us for all our sins and for being mortal and for being stupid and because everyone hates me and no one wants me to enjoy my life, it turns out that this show is pretty scripted. So now, even trash-talking contestants doesn’t feel as fulfilling. As I alluded to, life no longer has purpose.

That said, here is my lackluster attempt to derive joy from hating: Continue reading

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bachelorette kaitlyn week i have no idea: time is a flat circle

Villing.

Villing.

You know this thing with no rose ceremonies at the end of an episode? Yeah, it’s not working for me.

So there have been somewhere between 2-17 episodes so far and here’s a little recap below. On a Thursday. Cause I’m dangerous.

Chris Harrison tells Britt on Night One/Episode Two/In a Television Vortex she did not get enough votes but that the vote was very close. LIKE HOW CLOSE, CHRIS?

Britt handles it with class. Frankly, I don’t think Kaitlyn would have had as much. Team Britt suffers though. Case in point: Tony the creepy yogi can’t handle that it’s Kaitlyn. “We’re all drinking at the same fountain. I want to go home and dig my own well.” It’s either a euphemism for him masturbating or ordering one of those realistic life-size inflatable doll girlfriends.

Jared confesses to Kaitlyn he voted for Britt. Which is a cool move, weirdly. But he distracted me with his, “I’m super excited you’re the Bachelorette, you’re super sweet and super great and super pretty and super duper.” What’s super(natural) is Jared’s chiseled chin and bone structure. I think his very complicated blowdried hairdo is maybe because he is self-conscious about his ears?

JJ reminds us he had a great connection with Britt: “My life, my daughter and future is woven out of what happens with this.” No presh. Luckily Kaitlyn tells JJ I’m super in to you, I’m all in, don’t be afraid.

The dentist gets some love.

Brady asks to leave to find Britt. Tony has a black eye. Two guys get kicked off who I don’t remember, plus the exotic law grad dancer and the guy that drove the “car pool”.

Then there are some previews and all I can see is:

NICK VIALL
NICK VIALL
NICK VIALL
NICK VIALL

NICK VIALL

I’m sweating.

So is Kaitlyn, because apparently this season she has sex with someone practically on camera and then feels compelled to confess it to the remaining guys.

In response, the following episode/night/week/unrealized rose ceremony, I honor this nation’s fallen war heroes by watching The Bachelorette on Memorial Day.

Kaitlyn wakes up with full make-up and a bra. In her sit-down with Chris Harrison, her fake eyelashes look like my 6 year old applied them.

Brady goes to Britt’s hotel room. I’m mad that I just typed that sentence it’s so boring. Continue reading

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bachelorette braitlyn night 1: tattoo be or not to be

It's so weird because women never usually compete!

It’s so weird because women never usually compete!

Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
and eating a ton of popcorn and looking at Pinterest and signing permission slips.

Heyyyyyyyy, everybody/2 of you. Do people still blog in 2015? Hahahahahahahahaha. Follow me on Vine, Snapchat, Viber, and MySpace. Mostly right here though, here. Here’s good.

Chris Harrison reminds us from second one that dueling Bachelorettes make this a “Two-night historic season premiere.”

There is often talk on the Bachelor of “making history” and the biggest/most controversial/most romantic [] in “Bachelor history”. History is a pretty lofty concept, though. Like I wouldn’t say “this is my best one-pot meal in the history of all the shitty things I have cooked” or “in the history of hypochondria, the pretend cough you’re doing is the most shocking.” But it’s Bachelor World, so we roll with it.

BACHELOR HISTORY MOST SHOCKING MOST ROMANTIC MOST CONTROVERSIAL YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT JOURNEY HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS LOVE IS ONE BIG RAPELLING METAPHOR.

Ok, you know the 600 years you have spent watching this show? The model has changed this season. Instead of picking one Bachelorette, there are two on Night 1: Britt and Kaitlyn. So instead of the men having to get out of the limos and immediately make a great impression on the Bachelorette to avoid getting sent home, the women standing in front of the mansion to greet them have to make great impressions to each have a chance to win the competition to be able to stay and decide the ultimate competition. That makes sense, right?

I have seriously (I’m not kidding) (I am for real not joking) (literally, and I’m using “literally” correctly) stress eaten 10 red licorices (what is the plural? licorai?) before the pre-episode trailer is even over.

OF COURSE Britt is super happy and Kaitlyn is having a panic attack. Kaitlyn is a real human, and Britt is a robot. I actually like Britt. In a robot-y way.
The 25 dudes, sort of in order of appearance:
JONATHAN, 31, Detroit, Michigan – “I work in the automotive industry.” Plus: Super handsome. Plus (for Kaitlyn and Britt, at least): arm sleeve tattoos. Minus: has a 5 year-old son, Sky. His son would be a plus except that his existence means you automatically have to live in Detroit if you want to marry the guy. Which, to be fair, is better than Arlington, Iowa. Team Britt cause “she’s gorgeous, her smile, and bubbly personality.” Tells Britt she is gorgeous out of the limo. Britt likeys him.
JOE, 28, Columbia, Kentucky – Can’t remember his job. Plus: Kentucky accent Minus: Kentucky accent. Team Kaitlyn because of her “personality and smile”. Brings moonshine out of the limo. I like him. His hairdo/forehead ratio is a remaining question, but likable so far.
JOSH, 27, Chicago – Law school grad who “concentrated in criminal defense work”. Wait, I have never heard of a law school where you could “concentrate” your studies in a particular area of law. DO NOT TRY TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME, JOSH. I have a JD. I will be paying those loans off for 30 years. And until the last moment of the last payment in 2035, I will spend my life sussing out your WEB OF LIES. Josh “needs a job to pay the bills” so is a fireman, wait, a male dancer. Plus: knows how to dance. Plus/Minus: covered in tattoos. Minus: can’t figure out how to make money with his actual law degree. Comes out of the limo and starts a stripping routine and Kaitlyn says during camera time: “Britt, you can have this one.” I feel you, K.

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bachelorette andi finale: it might be incest, but it was romantic

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I am so shocked you are proposing and it’s a gigantic Neil Lane ring! – Andi feigns

Hey everybody, we’ve reached the end. And true to form, The Bacheor/ette has reeled me back in. They give good finale, what can I say.

Nick with Andi’s family

Nick brought Hy whiskey or something. Hy being the most famous dad in the show’s franchise. But in retrospect, any dad on Earth that could have sniffed out that Juan Pablo would be possibly the single worst mate for a daughter, is just doing his god-given responsibilities. Although wasn’t it cute that Hy said his soul job in life was Rachel, Andi, and Patti? So cute. Why do you think Rachel had to have a less-cutesy name? Why do we think of her cute husband’s kind of randomly burgeoning side curls? Maybe payot coming?

Mom and Dad both commented privately on how nervous and non-demonstrative Nick was. Yes it’s weird to be THAT nervous, but I guess also nice because it means he gets that he has something good to lose. And the non-physicality thing- I mean, that’s just showing respect.

“Nick sees [Andi’s] entire soul.” Sister Rachel has a turtle tattoo on her back.

Nick asked for Hy’s blessing and he sort of, actually, kind of, gave it! I am actually shocked. Hy says it would be in total support of Nick and Andi together and Nick would be a great son-in-law.

Josh with Andi’s family

Hy decides before he meets Josh that he’s just an athlete type. At least Josh is physically demonstrative when he comes in, and I don’t know why they think it’s “chaotic” that Josh is outgoing, friendly, and nervously sweating. I think they are just pro-Nick. But also, I don’t know why Josh has to have his shirt unbuttoned soooo far down when meeting the love-of-his-life’s father.

Rachel and her husband quiz Josh. Then it’s Hy’s turn. And he comes out the same! No reservations about Josh and can see him as a son-in-law.

Last Date with Josh

Yacht across the Caribbean. Josh is kind, confident, funny, and easy on the eyes. Not my type, but all around a more decent guy than he clearly gets stereotyped for. They frolic and have fun on the boat and Josh seems really funny and they snorkel and the usual yachtiness ensues.

They have some wine that night. Josh’s uncooked salmon-colored trousers are good. Twitter may not like them, but I did. Andi, as usual, is expressing doubts about the realness of her and Josh and if it’s too good to be true, and what’s next after their infatuated phase. He doesn’t really answer the question, but has that ever stopped anyone on this show?

JOSH MAKES ANDI HER OWN BASEBALL CARD.

All kinds of cute, y’all. Beats a collage or poem any day.

Last Date with Nick

Offroading. Private beach with picnic. Picnic = 3 pieces of fruit and a knife. Do these people wear crazy DEET? I would have to be inside a full body mosquito net.

That night, Nick is like “welcome to my resort suite. I lit these 650 pillar candles myself.”

Also he is wearing the same 3/4 sleeve baseball raglan my husband has from Urban Outfitters. I don’t know what this coincidence means, just that it’s incredibly important. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi The Men Tell All: the episode where there was ultrasound gel

CHRIS HARRISON, CHRIS SOULES

Wait, did I miss the part where he was announced as the next Bachelor?

A LIVE ULTRASOUND. Lie detectors. Racism. A woman from the audience gets to speak.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

What the fuh is going on. I am so excited.

Ashley & JP

I have always liked them. Ashley is pregs! And she is carrying like a normal person too. Humongous boobs, a little weight gain.

And for a Canadian, Ashley’s dress is very Patriotic.

The polar vortex drove JP and Ashley out of New Jersey to, um, Miami. Ok, whatever. Miami whatever. Enjoys those summers!

Just kidding. The winter in NY blew so hard, I was desperately missing the year-round overcastness of London.

Because I know from my showrunner friend that all reality shows are an intricate web of lies, deceit, constructed falsehoods, and salty tears, I am fairly certain Ashley and JP actually already know the sex of their baby. They don’t cry when they find out it’s a boy.

But- YAY FOR LITTLE BOYS. Yay for babies. Yay for them. I can’t be snarky. Except that, you know, they just showed the inside of her uterus on national tv so that’s not normal or whatever. But I still like them.

Bachelor in Paradise promo

I hereby forgive everything that has happened the past 5 seasons of this show. My summer just got MADE.

Oh, Chris Bukowski. He is like the Beth Stolarczyk of the Bachelor franchise.

Men Tell All

I really like the scarves bit. That’s good. I like how Farmer Chris would not even really wear his.

Well color me surprised. The alleged racist comment by Andrew re Marquel and Ron is aired at the outset and the whole thing is handled fairly maturely, and by smart voices on both sides. It is questionable why JJ would take the courses of action he did every time he thought he witnessed or heard something dangerous or incendiary. That seems plausible.

Girls, how HOT is Farmer Chris now that we know how feisty and BS-proof he is?! There are like thousands of girls right now studying up on Pioneer Woman so that they may serve him and be his Top Ghost. Continue reading

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bachelorette andi DR overnight dates: like you, i am pretending to care

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Seems totally fair.

Better late than never, amirite.

Sooooo all the played-out fantasy suite episode boxes were checked. Island? Yep. One remote island date and ocean nookie? Totes. One walking-around-the local-town-center-pretending-to-be-spontaneous date? Donezo. One-

(sound of a record scratching to a halt)

Why the F did Farmer Chris get a horseback-riding date in the MIDDLE OF THE DR? One, you don’t fly to a tropical island to stay in the interior without easy access to the sea. Two, this is so insanely unfair. Chris is a farmer by trade and then you basically take him to an uglier agrarian part of the world to engage in an incredibly unromantic date. Also – side note – I think a new rule should be instituted that on the first night everyone has to report their dealbreakers so we don’t waste anyone’s time. Andi would never have lived in Iowa and Chris would never live outside of it. So now we have come this far and we all have the sadz.

Because: Chris is crazy cute. Right? I’m not alone here, right? Parental peer pressure is The Worst. Chris needs to move to Chicago and sow his wild oats (hahahahaha did you get what I did right there? hahahahahahaha) like this guy.

When Andi has to recap for us the three guys and what she thinks of them, the highlights are: Josh “just has that dark hair”; Chris is sweet; and Nick kisses with passion Andi has never experienced before. And honestly, I am with her on Josh’s dark hair. He’s one in a million.

Nick overnight

Andi wears a cute tie-dye coverup and Nick has gotten a haircut. They board a helicopter to a private island and I am trying to figure out what is tucked into the side of Andi’s bikini top. Microphone? Flask? Condoms? Juicy Fruit?

Instrumental music plays while they’re in the water so they probably did it.

Later on the beach, I like how when Nick is talking about being embarrassed when his fiancée called their whole wedding and relationship off, Andi is aggressively eating chips.

Their mini love seat on the beach that night does not look comfy. I feel like I’m going to die that Nick wrote a fairy tale. But then he starts reading it, and it is kind of romantic. Right?

“Chris Harrison” provides the couple with a ginormous brass key for their fantasy suite. Nick is most excited for the overnight to “talk [Andi’s] ear off.” I don’t know if that means he is a narcissist or just annoying.

First he takes her to a tree to say I love you – just in case the cameras can’t find him there – and it is a little steamy I must admit. Andi makes her ugly frowny face when Nick tells her all the things he loves about her. It gets passionate and he lifts her up and they go to fantasy suite and make a baby with Justin Timberlake hair and chiclet teeth. Continue reading

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