It’s so weird because women never usually compete!
Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
and eating a ton of popcorn and looking at Pinterest and signing permission slips.
Heyyyyyyyy, everybody/2 of you. Do people still blog in 2015? Hahahahahahahahaha. Follow me on Vine, Snapchat, Viber, and MySpace. Mostly right here though, here. Here’s good.
Chris Harrison reminds us from second one that dueling Bachelorettes make this a “Two-night historic season premiere.”
There is often talk on the Bachelor of “making history” and the biggest/most controversial/most romantic  in “Bachelor history”. History is a pretty lofty concept, though. Like I wouldn’t say “this is my best one-pot meal in the history of all the shitty things I have cooked” or “in the history of hypochondria, the pretend cough you’re doing is the most shocking.” But it’s Bachelor World, so we roll with it.
BACHELOR HISTORY MOST SHOCKING MOST ROMANTIC MOST CONTROVERSIAL YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT JOURNEY HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS LOVE IS ONE BIG RAPELLING METAPHOR.
Ok, you know the 600 years you have spent watching this show? The model has changed this season. Instead of picking one Bachelorette, there are two on Night 1: Britt and Kaitlyn. So instead of the men having to get out of the limos and immediately make a great impression on the Bachelorette to avoid getting sent home, the women standing in front of the mansion to greet them have to make great impressions to each have a chance to win the competition to be able to stay and decide the ultimate competition. That makes sense, right?
I have seriously (I’m not kidding) (I am for real not joking) (literally, and I’m using “literally” correctly) stress eaten 10 red licorices (what is the plural? licorai?) before the pre-episode trailer is even over.
OF COURSE Britt is super happy and Kaitlyn is having a panic attack. Kaitlyn is a real human, and Britt is a robot. I actually like Britt. In a robot-y way.
The 25 dudes, sort of in order of appearance:
JONATHAN, 31, Detroit, Michigan – “I work in the automotive industry.” Plus: Super handsome. Plus (for Kaitlyn and Britt, at least): arm sleeve tattoos. Minus: has a 5 year-old son, Sky. His son would be a plus except that his existence means you automatically have to live in Detroit if you want to marry the guy. Which, to be fair, is better than Arlington, Iowa. Team Britt cause “she’s gorgeous, her smile, and bubbly personality.” Tells Britt she is gorgeous out of the limo. Britt likeys him.
JOE, 28, Columbia, Kentucky – Can’t remember his job. Plus: Kentucky accent Minus: Kentucky accent. Team Kaitlyn because of her “personality and smile”. Brings moonshine out of the limo. I like him. His hairdo/forehead ratio is a remaining question, but likable so far.
JOSH, 27, Chicago – Law school grad who “concentrated in criminal defense work”. Wait, I have never heard of a law school where you could “concentrate” your studies in a particular area of law. DO NOT TRY TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME, JOSH. I have a JD. I will be paying those loans off for 30 years. And until the last moment of the last payment in 2035, I will spend my life sussing out your WEB OF LIES. Josh “needs a job to pay the bills” so is a fireman, wait, a male dancer. Plus: knows how to dance. Plus/Minus: covered in tattoos. Minus: can’t figure out how to make money with his actual law degree. Comes out of the limo and starts a stripping routine and Kaitlyn says during camera time: “Britt, you can have this one.” I feel you, K.