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bachelor ben h week 4: dim city

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Except when I do.

How was the Democratic debate? Wouldn’t know.

Week 4! Chris Harrison enters the Mansion and shares with the ladies that they’re headed to Las Vegas to meet Ben, and that’s where they will find the first date card. The twins speak at the same time about how they were born and raised there. A bunch of people shout “Viva Las Vegas!” Odds they know what ‘viva’ means?

Cut to the women walk through the lobby of The Aria resort and casino and 90% of them are in jeans and a white shirt. Not sure why, but yeah.

You Set My Heart On Fire date with JoJo

(FYI- Olivia: “Ben is my piece. I’m zen with Ben.”)

JoJo’s hair on fleek! Her nail polish shade on fleek! Ben H mentions having a glass of champagne and JoJo says “I looooooove that” spookily just like Saturday Night Live’s Bachelor spoof this past weekend.

Ben and JoJo wait for a helicopter and kiss in the helicopter gusts while all the other women watch from above. Then they take a helicopter ride and then – are you ready for it – they just end up in a nondescript hotel room. Frickin helicopter ride in Vegas and your ultimate destination is the same as an upscale Marriott in Cleveland.

JoJo shares she ended her 1 1/2 year relationship 5 months ago. She is vague about whether she was cheated on or whether she was dating a married man, but either way it made her insecure because that person wasn’t “giving his all”. Wait, this was the big past bombshell she was nervous about? Their whole conversation is way edited and I have no idea what’s actually going on between them, but JoJo gets a rose. Now likely something will happen outside on the roof involving either fireworks or a private concert. Oh, fireworks. Short, cliche, non-informative edited date concludes.

Show Me What You Got group date with Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia- maybe someone else?

Olivia refers to herself in the third person as The Frontrunner.

The women enter the Terry Fator theater. Caila just said she grew up watching Terry Fator on tv. For real??? Whomever Terry Fator is tells all the women that basically they have to be in a talent competition audition, opening that night in front of 1200 for Terry Fator’s show. The twins are psyched because their mom made them study dance when they were younger. So they do an Irish River Dance. Jubilee plays the cello. JUBILEE PLAYS THE CELLO. Continue reading

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bachelor ben h week 3: literally

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Not hot dogs.

We learn Olivia spent $40K on clothes to come on the show. The girls all hate/hate-envy her. Mostly it’s just obvious she will be the big narrative until she gets booted off. Or will she? Dun dun dunnnnnn.

The Sky’s The Limit date with Lauren B

Lauren B lets her long blonde hair cascade loosely in the wind coursing through the convertible mustang. How badly do you think she wanted a hair tie? Also, Lauren B is a planner so she pretends that she is okay that this date is going to be a surprise. She is also a flight attendant but still pretends to be scared of the plane ride they’re going to take in a bi-plane because that’s a good thing to do if you’re trying to snare a big strong man. She also says “stop” and “shut up” in response to Ben H saying what the date is going to be. Because Lauren B is a Millennial and I’m not.

They fly over the Bachelor Mansion. Olivia quickly builds a 600-storey ladder and yanks Lauren B out of the plane.

I don’t know where the land. It just looks like there are flying bugs. Oh wait, there is a hot tub in the middle of nowhere (close-up of JACUZZI brand).  They make out a bunch. (Also, Caila is concurrently melting down at the mansion regarding a hypothetical heartbreak.) Then dinner is at a ranch house. Ben H’s forehead is verrrry shiny. Lauren B thinks the best way to describe her life and enjoying the simple things can be described by her dad’s newly-mowed lawn.

Ben H is inspired by Lauren B to open up about his dad’s heart problems and the recognition of the deep love between his parents. Date rose. Kissy kissy. Ohhhhh nooooo a private concert. I don’t even care about the name of the band.

Love is the Goal group date with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily

Btw when this date card is read, did you notice one of the girls wearing the sub_urban riot t-shirt “Lettuce Be Friends”? I swear, did Michelle Money wear this in a past season? Or Clare Crawley? Is my life a shell of its former?

This is a soccer-related date involving two members from the winning women’s Olympic or World Cup team and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. Then the show cuts to girls in the mansion who haven’t had a date this week crying and complaining. Or just Jubilee. Chris Harrison appears on the soccer field to say only the winning team gets to go to the After Party. The score is 3-3. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? The Stripes beat the Stars.

After Party

Ben H is back with his shiny forehead. Olivia steals Ben H in the middle of his kick-off speech. They go into (his? a?) hotel room. She says “The women find me intimidating, but I’m nooooooot.” Because she should be the judge of that. The girls rag on Olivia’s toes and breath while she is with Ben H. Olivia’s response to hearing about this mean-spirited gossip: “Perfection is so lame.” Continue reading

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bachelor ben is coming: i guess i’ll be writing about it

Only because Bachelor in Paradise keeps my soul alive. This franchise has become my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and the summer programming is my medically-prescribed heat lamp. It’s winter now. So let’s slog through this together starting Monday, January 4, 2016.

By the way, if the intro packages include lots of Kaitlyn/Shawn updates, and how broken-hearted Ben H was, I will have PTSD. You heard it here first.

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