bachelor ben h finale: spoiler alert- everyone dies


Right out of the gate, ABC wants us to know it’s going to be an extra special live finale show. Both families are in the studio audience waiting for After The Final Rose, as are Neil Lane and Ben Higgins’ pastor. What the?

Back to Sandals Jamaica

Lauren B and JoJo both pontificate about their love for Ben whilst wearing cutoff Daisy Dukes. Meanwhile, Ben’s head is a mess. He is not wearing cutoff jean shorts and still he says “I’m scared I’m making a mistake.”

Higgins family

Ben’s an only child! Weird. I think I am closer in age to Ben’s dad, Dave, than Ben. In unrelated news, Dave is very handsome – I’m sure we can all agree. Proof that I’m #almost40 is that I would rather get with Dave than Ben. Time was a man didn’t need a side rib cage tattoo to be sexy.

Ben’s mom, Amy, is disturbed that her son claims to be in love with two women. Also she says of Ben: “he can get impatient and worked up.” “It’s not all about the rosy.” No weird premonitions there, hopefully.

Lauren B gets the first family meeting. She brings flowers as a gift at a resort where every surface is covered with flowers. Zero points for creativity. Always. I hope one day on this show someone brings a future in-law like a cheese board or tea towel or that fake dog poop pile you can trick people with. Lauren tells the parents she loves Ben and asks them if they think he’s ready to be married. Dad said yes. And saying that about a 25 year-old is not insignificant.

Ben: “I can see Lauren as my wife.” Whatever that means.

JoJo is up next. She’s really good and demonstrative with Ben’s parents. JoJo also points out she knows Ben is hard on himself and that seems to resonate with his mom and dad. Or is Amy again thinking about her son’s dark side.

Dave asks JoJo what it is about Ben that JoJo loves, and as is custom on this show, she doesn’t answer- just says she loves him and he’s her best friend. It would be nice one day to hear someone actually list traits in a uniquely observational way. That’s true love.

Amy: “For me, it did feel different today.” And SPOILER ALERT: that’s gonna be the first comment that’s going to be hard to take back later.

Ben basically then tells JoJo he is proposing to her. BASICALLY. Good like taking that back later too.

Lauren B’s “LAST DATE”

They’re on a catamaran. Why does Ben have to keep saying I Love You to these girls? I hope one of these girls gets violently angry when she loses. And then it’s hard because he alternates between seeming distracted and then wanting to be all over Lauren.

Ben: “I knew I loved you right away, and it freaked me out and I don’t know why.” “I get freaked out when things seem too good to be true.” It turns out Ben is a little hung up on the fact that he doesn’t know what life is like with Lauren “when things get hard.” He feels he and JoJo have already made it through hard times. IN FOUR WEEKS. Hahahahahahaha. So basically Lauren, a nice genuine person, is penalized for not dumping her ex-boyfriend a day before filming starts and having him inappropriately place roses and a letter on her doorstep during a hometown visit.

Lauren left the date feeling defeated and she could tell Ben was stressed and had doubt in his mind. So she pulls on her big-girl false eyelashes and sits down on the couch with Ben that night and says I am ready to spend my whole life with you and I’ve never been more sure of anything. And then Ben doesn’t even crack a smile or so we think EDITING.

We’re left feeling worried about these two. And also bored. They are such a nice, boring couple. BUT BABY SEA TURTLES.


Ben just goes body all in with his kiss when he sees JoJo. They jump in a top-down Jeep. It’s cute JoJo calls Ben “babe”.”Ben’s become my best friend, and the feelings are obviously mutual.”

They go swim in something called The Blue Hole with waterfalls.How did she get her blow-out back after this blue hole in-the-water make-out session? Mysteries of the franchise.

JoJo brings up the fact that Ben is in Denver and she is in Dallas but she says she will do whatever it takes to make it work. Then JoJo also senses Ben is distracted and he basically admits to her in a way that he also loves Lauren.

My husband refuses to ever watch this show but conveniently looks up at the tv during the exact moment during the night date with a direct shot to JoJo’s open cleavage and therefore he is the one that pointed out that her side boob cleavage is blurred out in an edit. Actually blurred! But also: how did my husband know to look up? Does cleavage emit a sound at a special frequency that only men can pick up like hearing a dog whistle?

Ben: “What I am feeling for you is deeper than anything I have ever felt.” “Somehow in two months you became my best friend. The passion between us, the intimacy…” You can’t reverse statements like these. I just need to reiterate that. Lauren will always know he said those things. I WILL ALWAYS KNOW BEN SAID THESE THINGS.

The constant I Love Yous are not enough for JoJo- she needs to know definitively NOW that Ben is CHOOSING HER. She wants to go off script and so the remaining scene takes place on a bathroom floor with the door closed and cameras not allowed, only audio. I will give her credit for trying to get answers before possibly a publicly televised rejection but it’s like she has never seen this show before.

Proposal Day

Neil Lane blah blah blah no one cares..

JoJo gets off the helicopter first and I honestly did not see this coming. Go editors! Ben: “I found love with you, but I found it with someone else more.” But of course JoJo first had to first give him a dumb speech professing her love. That’s maybe the single most odious aspect of the show’s formula.

Ben cries when JoJo leaves. But I actually don’t feel like JoJo cries that hard in the limo so she’s gonna get over this one pretty easily.

The pre-proposal: Ben loves Lauren with all his heart, and it’s a love he can’t lose. Ben the sexist then calls only Lauren’s dad to ask permission to marry his daughter. Or for a blessing. Either way, speaker phone is a real thing- it means you can speak to more than one person at a time. #thepatriarchyisreal

For the proposal, Lauren is wearing a pretty and simple royal blue dress and I love that her personal style does not include sequins or beading on the day she gets proposed to. While Lauren speeches to Ben, he rocks back and forth.


Will you make me the happiest man in the world and get me free upgrades to First Class for the rest of my life?

I wish Ben had said Lauren’s full name during the proposal, but I did cry a little. Every time! “You’re my person.” No you are! Personal jinx!


The School of JoJo: When you get rejected on national tv, come back out with a toner body, a flawless tan, wear a hot LB mini D with a perfectly positioned cleavage cutout. Get yours, GIRL! Ben looks regretful for a split second. Do you think he’s thinking I should have done a few more things in the water that time…?

JoJo is a class act about the whole thing. There are a lot of behaviors you can question (why profess your love to me? why an overnight? why the last-minute bathroom floor reassurances? etc), but she has moved on BECAUSE:

“The announcement that will send the world into a frenzy” (totally not hyperbole and Ameri-centric to reference the entire world) is that JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE! (Can you heat them cheering in Bulgaria?) No wonder she’s so chill about seeing Ben.I guess the production staff saw the Twitterstorm about no one wanting Caila! I think JoJo will be a great Bachelorette and also, um, embarrassing for Caila.

Again, Ben looks a little sick and sad thinking of JoJo being The Bachelorette.

Lauren comes out finally and we all like her white lace cutout minidress. Lauren and Ben are a little boring together, which probably means they will do just fine as a couple. And what a shock: Lauren is moving to Denver. #thepatriarchyisreal

There is a dumb Jimmy Kimmel bit involving naked Barbies, which is perfect for two self-proclaimed devout Christians.

Ben declines the Chris Harrison’s kind offer to get married by the family pastor right there on stage in a television studio where any minute a man might streak the stage with a Lace tattoo on his rib cage. But he does surprise Lauren with another proposal and the surprise of both their families being there.

Ben: “This is my new family!” We all know that’s cute and who can be snarky about that.

See your bangin’ bod in May, JoJo.


1 Comment

Filed under bachelor episode recap

One response to “bachelor ben h finale: spoiler alert- everyone dies

  1. Beth

    Loved the recap (as always!) – hope they continue! Died at ‘I WILL ALWAYS KNOW BEN SAID THESE THINGS’ *)

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