I watch and recap every week and then I’m too lazy to press post. #mediocrebloggerproblemz
My blog has missed so much: the inevitable and anticlimactic demise of Olivia. Swimming pigs in the Bahamas. Leah rearing her ugly side, which turns out to be far more diabolical than all the screen time devoted to cankles-face. A very awkward reunion between Amanda and her two little daughters because she has to share it with a stranger (Ben). Amanda’s toddler’s fierce half-leg gladiator sandals. Sun in Portland. Caila’s lepruchun dad who owns a toy factory. Adult braces. JoJo had a boyfriend until 39 days ago. Also, did you SEE the gladiator sandals Amanda’s like 4 year-old daughter wore that one episode? Oh and Jade and Tanner got married. So much.
Last week we were in Jamaica. According to Bendizzle, Jamaica is paradise. The water is blue. The air is fresh. The people are friendly. THE WATER IS BLUE. That should be Jamaica’s slogan: “Like 99% of all islands, we are surrounded by water which reflects the blue sky.”
Caila, JoJo and Lauren were the three remaining in Paradise. None seem like bitches so obviously the episode was going to be boring. Issues: Can Ben get beneath the surface of Caila’s smile? Seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest Ben has come to Love At First Sight. He feels like a schoolboy with a crush with her. The question is if she’s too good to be true. JoJo was an instant connection and opens up a laughing and joking side and Ben is most himself with her. But what about her brothers?
I will never stop bringing up the fact that the Bachelor always chooses for the first overnight date the girl he is least excited about. Order is always best to worst. Every time. So I feel bad for Caila. Ben feels they have the deepest relationship. They go for a rafting trip down the river. And then stop for an awesome tropical snack of coconut water. Caila’s anxiety is making her kind of mute. Will the evening be better? Caila follows the regular production script and tells Ben she is in love with him. She can then “feel in his breath” that he feels the same. Ooooh, breath-reading! Now is a good time for the fantasy suite key. Caila says “I think we should take advantage of this” without the usual embarrassing faux-disclaimer of “I think we could use the extra time to TALK.”
I like the new trend of cameras showing them morning after. Caila: “Last night was amazing, and it was exactly what Ben and I needed.” “I’m in love and I feel like he loves me.” But did they have sex? I mean, that’s all we care about. And how is the morning breath?
Lauren is “joy and authenticity” and Ben can be himself around her. They meet a white British guy on Gibraltar Beach they get boated to, to release sea turtles. Notice Ben always gives Lauren B the community outreach/social responsibility dates. This makes me think for sure she is the one. He wants to spend time doing deeper, more meaningful things with her. He is actually figuring out the life partner and conviction of faith part.
THE BABY SEAT TURTLES ARE SO LITTLE AND SANDY. I can’t effing handle. Even Lauren’s dimple can’t handle it. She wants her relationship to last as long as a sea turtle’s lifespan.
They sit on the beach and Ben keeps telling Lauren she is too good for him and he was reminded of this while speaking to her sister at the hometown. Lauren feels that about Ben too. They make out in the ocean (boo ya, Caila!) and there is a rainbow.
At night they go into, I don’t know, town? And there is a pretend casual gathering of people watching a reggae band and then they go to dinner. Lauren seems really real: “You’re the only reason I was there on Night 1 and you’re the only reason I am still here now.” Lauren wants time away from the distractions so, fantasy suite time. They go to the suite and Lauren finally tells Ben she is completely in love with him.
Ben: “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well.” They said I Love You to each other!!!!!! A BACHELOR FIRST. HISTORY IN THE MAKING. Where were you the night a Bachelor first said I love you to a contestant on camera before proposal day? #neverforget
Lauren “wakes up” in her bra. “This is the happiest I have felt in my entire life. Ben’s my person.”
Lauren doesn’t look as good as Caila in the morning which means she’s probably The One.
JoJo brings the excited energy from second one. She’s very physically demonstrative. (No matter what happens on this date, I can’t picture Ben having to be brothers-in-law with JoJo’s brothers).
The couple takes a helicopter to a waterfall. JoJo has a hot bikini bod. What does Ben’s tattoo say? They make out sort of on top of the waterfall. JoJo tells Ben she loves him.Ben says “JoJo, I love you too.” She looks surprised and says “Are you allowed to say that?” Poor girl, she doesn’t know this is no longer a Bachelor first.
Passion and chemistry. Laughs more. Jokes more. Ben is really excited to spend an evening with the woman he loves. But he’s shocked his heart is leading him in two directions. Ben’s nervous about the support of her family. JoJo says she looks up to her brothers and they’re good people and that come from a place of love. Ben looks like he is tearing up. JoJo: “I would love nothing more than to spend the night with you.” They take a dip in their private hot tub, do some other stuff, then cut to they wake up and feed each other fruit and I like that JoJo is wearing sweatpants.
Ben: “We’re on the same page.” “You’re so cute.”
“Last night with JoJo was one of the best nights of my life.”
“Lauren though is a woman I’m enthralled by.”
“With Caila I just couldn’t say I love you back. For some reason, I can’t get there with Caila. There’s something missing.” Ben is going to get rid of Caila at the rose ceremony.
Caila on the other hand, misses Ben from their date at the beginning of the week. So she decides to surprise him. He’s sitting morosely in the yard. She comes up behind him, covers his eyes, and kisses him. MY PET PEEVE. Who likes the covering-your-eyes surprise? Anyone? Anyone?
I wonder if this was kind of orchestrated because Ben didn’t want to have to do it at a rose ceremony. I can’t believe I am wondering that out loud. Of Course it was orchestrated. Anywho
Ben “It’s really hard to imagine saying goodbye to you.” Caila: “That sounds like a line.”
Brutal. She gets in the car and then gets out “I might as well take advantage of this time. Did you know this week?” Caila’s a pretty crier.
JoJo is wearing too much makeup at the rose ceremony. I like Lauren’s au naturel beauty. Roses. See you soon.
Women Tell All featuring “The Most Popular Bachelor in History” (What are the metrics on this?)
Wait so first Chris and Ben bust in on some Bachelor-viewing parties and one woman says she got into the show because her husband is an “intense fan. ” I MARRIED WRONG.
The drama package. First, the Olivia drama. Interlude by the chicken. Segue to Leah. Chris: “Leah, what happened to you?” Leah basically keeps lying.
Just when it’s getting juicy, Chris forces us to shift to Jubilee. Yikers- it goes in to race because Amber and Jami are half black and accuse Jubilee of acting like they’re not black enough. First, Jubilee gives a genuine apology if she offended them. Which Jami seems offended to receive. (It’s always telling when someone belabors how offended they are and then seems disappointed when they actually get contrition from the other person.) And then, miracle of miracles, Chris Harrison actually saves this segment and manages during the sit-down to eek out the wonderful side of Jubilee: lost her whole family, orphanage, now an active member of the US Military who just made sergeant and manages to be humble and open about who she is and her flaws. Jami is so pissed. Her bad ‘tude and naked exposed breasts on air just wanted to be right.
Lace is now in the hot seat. I actually forgot how many awkward moments there were, and how visibly by the end Ben looked pained when Lace would want a moment from him during the season. So thank goodness for the clips package that airs.
It’s all kind of boring self-helpy until, wait, then a stalker in the audience interrupts, displays his tattoo of LACE along his ribcage and comes to the dais to take a photo with her. (Side note: Maybe it’s Lace’s lack of an upper lip, but sometimes her face reminds me of Chris Soules.) Also, Lace is going to Bachelor in Paradise. Now THAT will be good tv. (Please bring Joe back, please bring Joe back, please bring Joe back.)
Olivia. Hot Seat. Sometimes I actually want to hear from someone being interviewed, but I just knew the girls would not be able to control themselves and immediately have to jump in and air all their specific grievances against Olivia. Granted she was annoying, but whoa the twins are on frrrrrrrrr. And Twin Hayley is also exposing the entirety of her breasts. Clearly they will be on BIP, right?
Olivia: “I gave my sister my social media accounts.” Oh sweet cankles victim, do you not understand social media, trolls and publicity?
Caila. Hot Seat. The only woman in the final three who Ben wouldn’t say I Love You too. “I see the way he looks at Lauren B and JoJo and I want someone to look at me that way one day- who can’t control himself he’s so in love.” Preach, next Bachelorette.
Oh hi Ben.
“I’m more in love than I’ve ever been. And I would marry that woman tomorrow if I could.”
Bloopers. They were actually good! Or is it cause I’m almost 40? Excuse me while I go binge Fuller House and pray Bob Saget will do an America’s Funniest Home Videos throwback cross-promotion.
Chris Harrison: “Ben is on the Mt Rushmore of Bachelors.” If you say so.
Sneak Peek of next week
At least Ben’s mom is also disturbed that he’s in love with two women at once.
Chris Harrison: “How stunning and how dramatic next Monday really is.” It’s a Jason Mesnick, right?