bachelor ben h week 5: morning breath, day breath and Teen Mom

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It’s all fun and games until your entire family is brutally murdered in Haiti AND you win a cooking competition but still get dumped by The Bachelor.

I am very relieved ABC’s update on the Iowa caucuses barely interrupted my regularly-scheduled Bachelor viewing. No one cares about the dumb election.

VIVA LA MEXICO! Supposedly.

Emily: “Now that my sister’s not here, I feel like I have nothing holding me back.” I feel like that came out wrong?

The girls say they have never seen anything like this hotel suite. (Except the dope one you had in Vegas and that mansion in LA….)

Olivia is wearing a cross necklace in the opening scene so maybe she is finally getting it? Becca’s going to start bringing the Bible on group dates just to compete.

Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket date with Amanda

(What are the statistical odds that no one has ever read a date card that had their own name on it?)

Ooh Ben H comes in at 4:20am to wake up Amanda for the date. FOUR TWENTY, HOMES!! Hahaha did I seem like a cool drug user just then?

I love these times when the girls all have stank breath and retainers. Do you think the room smells like farts? When Ben said, “Whose weave is this?” I thought he said “weed.” Also, I tried to google the difference between a weave and an extension, because I am hoping the words aren’t racist, but I don’t feel more educated.

I call bullshit. Amanda woke up in FULL MAKE-UP. Her producer was nice and tipped her off to be ready. Because a professional esthetician would never, ever, ever go to bed with a full face of make-up.

Ben and Amanda go on a hot air balloon. And of course, because it’s Mexico City, the sky is full on smog. The look not that into it but try for the cameras. Then they picnic somewhere. And Ben says cheers to the fact that they will be “talking life” later. So then they go talk life at a hotel and Amanda gets real about her ex-husband, the father of her daughters, and his double life with a second cell phone and exes and online dating. The fact that women who look like Amanda get cheated on (or Eva Longoria, let’s be honest) proves what I learned about Why Men Cheat 20 years ago by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. Spoiler Alert: it’s not because they let themselves go. Date rose to single mom Amanda with the Joey Lauren Adams voice.

Como se dice This Way to a Man’s Heart group date with Jubilee, Becca. JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia

Yay, Olivia’s wide open mouth is back!

The women and Ben go to an ESL classroom to presumably learn Spanish. It’s love phrases they can say to, and receive from, Ben. And I think some other practical phrases.

Then they go to Carbon restaurant to have a cook-off. BACHELOR TRVIA: Which other season were this restaurant and sibling chefs featured in?!

The girls are bitching that Olivia claimed Ben as her partner for the competition. She’s hella annoying but she’s the only one trying to play, and the girls as is typical are pissed that she is #winning. Caila knows Spanish. And burn: Jennifer says Emily’s palate hasn’t expanded past the kids’ menu.

Also, Ben H notices that Jubilee is being a beotch during the cooking part of the group date. Or is she pissed she is not cooking hot dogs? Strangely, their dish wins.

JoJo: “Ben already tasted my taco.”

Also, no for real, how bad is Olivia’s breath?

After Party

Olivia has got it down to a science. If she interrupts Ben while he is first speaking, she’ll get the first sit-down. Her cankles get a little make-out sesh. But Ben really likes Lauren B because he takes her outside the date to smooch. A lot. Can we talk about Lauren B’s Pippa butt in that long white dress? Jubilee complains to Ben H during their 1-on-1 time. Ben sends her packing. Ben, she served our country! Ben, she gave you a massage once! Ben, her family was murdered in Haiti! There’s only one solution for this: make-out with JoJo.

Wait, Olivia got the group date rose? Wha? Wh? How? But? I?

Let’s Design a Life Together with Lauren H

Well, I guess Lauren H was right that Jubilee is not the soccer mom of Ben’s dreams. (Try to read that sentence in her Midwestern inflection. It’s so much fun!) Her shirt is in the shape of a mullet and I dig it.

They head to a clothing design studio and then to prep for Mexico Fashion Week and walk the runway in Pineda Covalin. Lauren learns to “madel” (her accent is everything to me) and they do okay. Ben actually seems like he’s done it before?

Later that night… Ben wants to see if they can get out of friend zone. Lauren talks about her ex and how she was cheated on. Ben has nice Listening Face. But why oh why do the girls have to tell their crushes long stories about being dumped in the past? That’s as much of a turn-on as telling a guy you want babies, you’re really into Pinterest and you love cats. But, date rose anyway. Plus, an abandoned street make-out accompanied by a solo harpist.

Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony

I was checking Instagram while JoJo and Ben made out, but what’s going on with her dress of lace over just skin?

I am transcribing Lauren B’s speech to Ben H, word for word:

“…But I just feel like, even like the two seconds that you and I are around each other, people can like tell that I just really like like you. Ben, I could see like a life with you. Like not just like getting married like initially, but I could see like a life with you, which is like terrifying… like a life life.”

Put that little speech in a time capsule so the war boys post-nuclear apocalypse in Mad Max: The Year 3021 understand when the breakdown of society began.

Back on the frenemy couches, Amanda is talking about her daughters and their deadbeat dad and Olivia compares it to an episode of Teen Mom. This is the catalyst every woman then needs to go and cry and tell Ben how terrible Olivia is. You now how this strategy works every time. Although I can’t figure out why Emily is crying so hard and calling Haley. Emily is not a teen mom!

So Ben wants to sleuth this issue out so he canvasses the other women, and they all confirm that, to them, Olivia is The. Worst.

And because there is no god, we have to wait until next week to see the rose ceremony.

All I also know is next week Leah is sobbing so hard but I don’t know who Leah is.

 

 

 

 

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6 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

6 responses to “bachelor ben h week 5: morning breath, day breath and Teen Mom

  1. Elizabeth

    I had approximately 3 seconds of interaction with Ben and OMFG – when he looks at you he focuses. I’m pretty sure that had I talked to him for 15 seconds, I would have laid money on our future together.

  2. Barb

    Best line: “Put that little speech in a time capsule so the war boys post-nuclear apocalypse in Mad Max: The Year 3021 understand when the breakdown of society began.”
    You are hilarious!

  3. Erin

    I, like… Miss seeing you. Like seeing you seeing you. Like not just like running into you at a bar but like… Having dinner with you. A whole meal. And like, dessert. Like. For real. Really real.

  4. Gillian

    How have I been missing all
    Of this wonderfulness! For some reason my “follow” never sticks but I’m gonna catch up on what I’ve missed!

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