bachelor ben h week 3: literally

bach

Not hot dogs.

We learn Olivia spent $40K on clothes to come on the show. The girls all hate/hate-envy her. Mostly it’s just obvious she will be the big narrative until she gets booted off. Or will she? Dun dun dunnnnnn.

The Sky’s The Limit date with Lauren B

Lauren B lets her long blonde hair cascade loosely in the wind coursing through the convertible mustang. How badly do you think she wanted a hair tie? Also, Lauren B is a planner so she pretends that she is okay that this date is going to be a surprise. She is also a flight attendant but still pretends to be scared of the plane ride they’re going to take in a bi-plane because that’s a good thing to do if you’re trying to snare a big strong man. She also says “stop” and “shut up” in response to Ben H saying what the date is going to be. Because Lauren B is a Millennial and I’m not.

They fly over the Bachelor Mansion. Olivia quickly builds a 600-storey ladder and yanks Lauren B out of the plane.

I don’t know where the land. It just looks like there are flying bugs. Oh wait, there is a hot tub in the middle of nowhere (close-up of JACUZZI brand).  They make out a bunch. (Also, Caila is concurrently melting down at the mansion regarding a hypothetical heartbreak.) Then dinner is at a ranch house. Ben H’s forehead is verrrry shiny. Lauren B thinks the best way to describe her life and enjoying the simple things can be described by her dad’s newly-mowed lawn.

Ben H is inspired by Lauren B to open up about his dad’s heart problems and the recognition of the deep love between his parents. Date rose. Kissy kissy. Ohhhhh nooooo a private concert. I don’t even care about the name of the band.

Love is the Goal group date with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily

Btw when this date card is read, did you notice one of the girls wearing the sub_urban riot t-shirt “Lettuce Be Friends”? I swear, did Michelle Money wear this in a past season? Or Clare Crawley? Is my life a shell of its former?

This is a soccer-related date involving two members from the winning women’s Olympic or World Cup team and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. Then the show cuts to girls in the mansion who haven’t had a date this week crying and complaining. Or just Jubilee. Chris Harrison appears on the soccer field to say only the winning team gets to go to the After Party. The score is 3-3. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? The Stripes beat the Stars.

After Party

Ben H is back with his shiny forehead. Olivia steals Ben H in the middle of his kick-off speech. They go into (his? a?) hotel room. She says “The women find me intimidating, but I’m nooooooot.” Because she should be the judge of that. The girls rag on Olivia’s toes and breath while she is with Ben H. Olivia’s response to hearing about this mean-spirited gossip: “Perfection is so lame.”

Date rose goes to Amber who: had the winning goal and also says she is doing Bachelor for a second time “to find someone who wants me.” Oh girl.

Love is in the Air date with Jubilee

I am very relieved I don’t have to hear Jubilee’s complaints, concerns and cries anymore about the possibility of NOT getting a date this week. ABC Channel 7 also ran a Martin Luther King Jr observance banner right before Jubilee’s date.

They take off in a shiny helicopter and go to Cal-A-Vie health spa. Juiblee spits out the caviar she tries. She says she’s not adventurous with food, but is obsessed with hot dogs. I wonder if she knows how hot dogs are made. They play shuffleboard. The have a convo in the hot tub and pool that I don’t pay attention to. I just know Ben H says she Jubilee intrigues and stretches him.

Jubilee was adopted from Haiti, was in the military and has a lot of layers. And alludes to a bad past where her entire family died in Haiti and she deals with guilt about that. Oh god. You can have as many hot dogs as you want, Jubilee. Date rose.

Rose Ceremony day

Lauren H, oh Lauren H. So she cannot handle that Jubilee got a rose the night before and is therefore back at the house the next morning. She actually refers to it as “literally insane” which we all know is an incorrect usage of the word “literally” unless Lauren H literally means that Jubilee being back in the house is a dangerous mental health issue rising to the level of being committed to an institution. I am happy to report the concepts of “literal” and “figurative” are not taught at the kindergarten level.

Further, Lauren H cannot believe that how Jubilee was acting pre-date could be reconciled with the kind of wife Ben H so clearly wants, and I quote: “friends with all the other soccer moms and set up play dates with their kids.” Lauren H is the expert of what kind of wife Ben H wants.

Ben H shares with the women at the outset that two people close to his family died in a plane crash. I feel like Jennifer is immediately regretting her major front side cleavage. Olivia steals Ben H to say that she hates her legs and people on blogs would say she has cankles. Apparently that is not how Ben H needed to be comforted re the family friend death.

Jubilee walks around the house and nobody wants to hang out with her. She thinks of how to de-stress Ben and has a massage table set up and gives him a rub down. (How did producers arrange that so fast?) Villain edit shift from Olivia to Jubilee o-fficial. Ben H loooves it though so take that, petty girls. Amber gets chosen by “a bunch of us” for a “girl chat” with Jubilee. It’s Psych 101 that you do not attack someone with the We. Amber chases her into the bathroom and in front of Ben chastises “Jubes” and uses the word “literally” literally 5 times. Ben H sticks up for Jubes and basically throws shade at Amber. It’s kind of incredible. Mob mentality does not always win.

Ben H is exhausted, upset with the women’s behavior and still reeling from the death of family friends. Lace decides that’s a good time to pull Ben aside and say, like her tattoo, she needs to love herself first or something and is sobbing uncontrollably and so she leaves the show. Ben H runs away fairly excitedly.

Roses already held by Lauren B, Amber and Jubilee. Additional roses to:

Lauren H ughhhhhhh
Amanda
Becca
Haley
Emily
Rachel
Caila
JoJo
Jennifer
Leah
Olivia’s cankles

I don’t even know the names of the women who didn’t get a rose but one is wearing a romper so I am bummed she’s gone. Oh yeah, one is Jami. Jami takes it well: “My lesson from this is to never expect anything from humans.” Can someone make that into a t-shirt for me, PLEASE.

Next week: Las Vegas. Olivia stuff. Tears.

FYI, Lace was on the After Show and she’s got a new hairdo and was asked to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Is it summer yet?

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1 Comment

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One response to “bachelor ben h week 3: literally

  1. Sonjey

    Yes, I am obsessed, and glad to be back reading your blog! I’m enjoying the live after show. Somehow, somewhere, someone will slip! Don’t you think? The only girl I truly think has anything going for her is Caila!

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