(I’m going to close my eyes and just go back to Straight Outta Compton and Boyz N the Hood.)
I see Ben H’s no kissing rule was just for Night 1.
Gratuitous shot of Ben at The Four Seasons pulling his pants on up and over his underwear bulge. This show is at least about equal opportunity exploitation. Also, why is he staying at The Four Seasons?
Let’s Learn How to Love group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace
Lace is glad she gets to redeem herself because the drunken fool on display Night 1 is “not her.” Oh but it is! That was you drinking, amirite?
The ladies take the limo to “Bachelor High” and Ben H wants the date to be goofy and fun, so as to relieve any stress. “High school is where I have some of my fondest memories.” Shocking.
Chris Harrison’s nerdy school outfit is actually super dope. Jackie: “I was never Homecoming Queen in high school.” I feel like never is a weird word choice. How many opportunities do you get? One, right? So grammatically it should be “I was not Homecoming Queen…” Get it together!
The women actually get composition books and basically engage in a school-themed obstacle course replete with science experiments (volcanoes), lunch class (bobbing for apples), geography (find/don’t find Indiana on a map), gym (basketball free throw), and hurdle competition to become Homecoming Queen. Mandy wins and gets a tiara, letter jacket and a sash and then they take a victory lap in a convertible.
Incidentally, Ben says in reference to placing Indiana on a map: It’s not like I’m asking them to place Indonesia on a map. Except, hello, Indonesia would be hella easier! It’s surrounded by water and has one million teeny trailing off islands and is in South Asia. You have a 50-50 chance of guessing Indonesia right. Indiana is hard! It’s one of those states somewhere between the coasts with zero water features or a memorable shape.
Becca snags Ben first cause she’s smart and she has played this game before. Speaking of game, somehow they are also at a basketball court and Becca lands shots in a dress hugging her sa-mokin’ bod.
Ben’s first kiss is with Jennifer and he references an “incredible” convo they had the other night.
Lace interrupts Mandy’s time because, natch, she is concerned Ben is not paying enough attention to her. Lace feels they are eye f*cking (her words, I’m pretty sure), and just before the lips and tongues can follow, Jubilee saunters in.
Jubilee shares that she was adopted from Haiti. She’s really beautiful and they kiss. Lace doesn’t let her enjoy the glow and lays into her when she gets back to the couch. Lots of bleeped expletives. So Lace makes two wrongs wronger and goes and gets back with Ben by interrupting LB (who looks like a young Connie Britton on this date, btw). No kiss for you. Sirens in the background.
Ben takes JoJo up to the helipad on the very top cause he really likes her and liked her bubbly attitude during the earlier group date. He’s all over her and definitely pursuing her which is cute and I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben’s ultimate type is the quiet girl who stays more to the background. Date rose.
A Day of Surprises… date with Caila
(When whoever goes to get this date card the night before when the doorbell rings, it’s important to repeatedly freeze-frame on Olivia’s (out-of-work news anchor; First Impression Rose) reactions because her ginomous and constant agape mouth is freaking us all out and somewhere each long second the gargantuan moth stays open a fluffy newborn kitten gets eaten by a supposedly domesticated chimpanzee (oops!). Also, Olivia is a really good “Before” ad for make-up solutions. I can say that because I know from the previews we are supposed to hate her this season.)
This date is with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube because
RIDE ALONG 2 IS IN THEATRES THIS FRIDAY.
(Not sure the Bachelor-watching audience is the target demo for the movie?) Kevin Hart is funny tho. They go to a liquor store and I think maybe buy Hennessy and condoms? Then all four go to a hot tub store and actually get to demo one. So much chlorine.
I like that for dinner they go to a restaurant (albeit empty) instead of a creepy empty cavernous building; lobby or rooftop or remote field. Caila tells the story of her ex-boyfriend she met on a plane. She says her heart was waiting to catch up with the story, which is a cool astute way of framing the observation of what ultimately happened. Ben is smitten, even if they don’t eat their food and leave without touching it (there are starving children in my apartment!). Date rose. Then they leave and see their names on the Regent marquee. So they go in and – the worstest – it’s time for a private serenaded concert or as I call it: “the grossest repeat crime this franchise perpetrates.” People know Amos Lee? Ben H does. He also serenades Caila and they kiss. Caila’s cute.
Are We A Perfect Match? group date with Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda
The women go into a building and are directed to The Love Lab, where people in white coats are at computers and Ben has some kind of virtual reality glasses on. They all change into white outfits – but way sexier versions than The Guilty Remnant. They all have to participate in this creepy thing called retinal tracking and then have to jog and then Ben sniffs them. All the women present great scents to Ben’s nose except Sam the Sour One. Then some kind of heat map camera tracks thermal energy between Ben and each woman behind a screen. Poor Sour Sam (2.42/10) got the lowest score and Nolivia got the highest (7.45/10)
This sets us up for the ensuing relentless theme of everyone hate envies Olivia. Olivia also does her wide open-mouth thing and says Winning. Curse you, Charlie Sheen. And Olivia is like 24. So she doesn’t even know who Charlie Sheen is.
After Party at Four Seasons
Ben startsthe night off with Olivia. Hmm, how about starting with the LOW SCORER WHO SMELLS SOUR? That actually would have been classier. Ben and Nolivia go into his room and make out for awhile. She comes back like a beotch and then a bunch of other forgettable convos happen with Ben and each woman.
Amanda tells Ben about her daughters, Kinsley and Charlie. Ben H says all the right things but I don’t know… only Jef with one F was man enough to choose a lady with a mini at the end. And they broke up.
Ben H has no sense. He gives the date rose to Olivia. Even though she already got the First Impression Rose. Waste.
As I listen to Ben H’s pre-cocktail party toast, I have an overwhelming realization that if this show doesn’t subtly shake up its formula soon, I will turn middle aged. Oh wait
Leah the football girl. She and Ben sit and chat and there are some slow camera pans over her low to middle side cleavage. Naughty, show.
Olivia then steals Ben, even though she has a rose, solidifying villain status. Ben is too nice a guy to fall for this but fall he does. GO TALK TO THE OTHER ROSE-LESS WOMEN, BEN! Afterwards Lace wants a moment with Olivia. Popcorn, garcon!
Have you noticed? Lace only speaks while breathing through her nose. She takes her nose-breathing to the balcony and tries to have like her 7th intense conversation with Ben. “I’m a lot to handle.” says Lace, followed by stories of how dorky and unattractive she was when she was young. The way to a man’s heart is for sure, every time: “I’m a lot to handle.” Poor Lace, she should just drink again tonight.
Ben sits down with Lauren B and presents her with a photo of them sitting together Night 1 as a reminder to her he is thinking about her. Envision me furrowing my brow. (If you don’t know what I look like, imagine a sexier blonder version of Cara Delevingne and with better eyebrows.) Ben H hands out some other gifts too, like a first place ribbon for best volcano and then later making rose barrettes with Amanda for her daughters. Sweet but wrong for two reasons: clearly Ben did not come up with this craft and also it’s that classic Bachelor producer mistake of keeping the narrative on the kids which means the parent gets no additional identity and ultimately no chance of winning the ultimate prize.
Oh Amber, you are still so you. Whine, worry, blah, I didn’t have any time with Ben. Someone get this girl a cocktail and a bikini and ship her back to Bachelor in Paradise.
JoJo, Caila and Olivia have roses already.
Rachel (I forgot there was a Rachel)
Lace (I already feel excited for myself next Monday)
[LB… EXCEPT LB excuses herself because this whole thing is too much for her. You go be normal, girl. Bravo!!]
Jami / not Jammy
Amber (except Ben said her name while like having an anxiety attack)
Bye bye to Jackie (I think? I’m not sure who she was), Mandi the Homecoming Queen (ouch), and Sam(antha).
Lace cries more.
Spoiler alert: if you do not watch the After show, you are missing gems like superfan KRIS JENNER sitting next to CHRIS SOULES. What alternate universe is this? The most magical one. They actually did a montage of all the times Olivia has her mouth widely agape. So much serotonin flowing through me right now.