bachelor ben h: he actually seems like a nice guy

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Very anti-eye contact.

The fun thing about saying Ben with an H is to differentiate him from Ben What’s His Name who was also once The Bachelor and pretended to own a vineyard and picked that terrible model and I think is now on Tinder or something.

I have to leave my house for a flight at 4:45am, so I am pretty psyched about it being the boringest night ever for the series: Limo Night. We can fantasize that one day they will arrive in stretch hummers or just dope tricked-out vintage cars or a party bus. But for now, it’s straight up 1991 at The Mansion.

(Did you know Ben H is a “devout Christian”? I mean zero editorially about this, just making sure we’re all in the loop together.)

Some words/phrases we hear in the opening montage: Epic. Heart wide open. Ready to meet my wife. Fall for. Dream come true. Picture a future. Confident this love is real. Not a question in my mind. Can picture being down on one knee. / Crying. Fifty shades of crazy. I don’t know if I can do this.

Note: Chris Harrison calls this season “exciting”, not “Most Dramatic Ever.”

Ben’s background: From Warsaw, Indiana. 26 years-old. Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball. So even though he lives in Denver, a metropolis, we see Ben H shooting hoops against a charming red barn. Was QB of the football team and some other stuff. Parents verrry attractive, happily married and live by the water with a boat and are wearing short-sleeves. SO NOT IN WARSAW, INDIANA. (Take a hint, Chris Soules’ entire family.)

We see Ben H enter the mansion from a sports car and “three of America’s favorite Bachelors” are there to greet him: Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, Chris Soules. Wait, are those faves? Jason is definitely my fave BECAUSE HE’S SHORT. I sweat that mmmm hmmmm. Yup. Sean: whatever. Chris: failed, so why are you giving advice? They’re calling the women “girls.” I can’t remember- are we cool wit dat? (Jason Mesnick just had bad armpit sweat.)

So right before limos, Chris Harrison says to us “It’s hard to believe, but the limos are about to arrive.” Is it hard to believe? This is Season 19.

Right after limos, Ben H calls his parents on speaker. Swoony swoonola.

The cast / girls / young ladies / you guys:

Lauren B, 25. Beach is her happy place. From Portland. Is a flight attendant. Lives in SoCal now. First out of limo. Brought Ben H a wings pin and made a “take off” pun. Ben H really likes her. ROSE.

Caila, software sales rep in Boston. Met ex on a plane. Dumped him when saw Ben H come out of the limo on Kaitlyn’s season. Um. Also, she ran out of limo into Ben H’s arms. They later talk about how they both sell software. ROSE.

Jubilee, 24, war veteran who had joined army at 18. Lives in Ft Lauderdale. Gorgeous and has an upper boob tattoo and a front thigh tattoo. Ben likes her low-cut white dress out of the limo. Also, Jubilee’s a** doesn’t need spanx. It’s Pippa Middleton caliber. ROSE.

Mandi, 28, dentist from Portland. Self-described weird and this is reinforced by creepy music in background. “Ben looks like he flosses but I’m going to have to do an oral exam.” Comes out with a huge paper rose on her head. Dress & fake body smoking. Personality bananas. Actually grabs Ben H for a one-on-one in the middle of his toast to all the women. She starts giving Ben H a dental exam. Later steals him from Lace. ROSE (for effort I guess).

Emily and Haley, 22 year-old twins from Las Vegas. TWENTY TWO. LAS VEGAS. Totally looking to settle down. Seem funny-ish. Why are the other women stressing about them? Obviously Ben H is not going to pick twins. Fetish or no fetish. ROSES.

Amanda, 25, aesthetician from Orange County and divorcee mom of 2 girls. She is super beautiful, great eyebrows. Also Minnie Mouse voice. ROSE.

Tiara (but pronounced like “Tierra” REMEMBER HER?), 27, a chicken enthusiast from Washington state. Very nervous to be away from the chickens for a long time. Ben likes her so far. Doesn’t get a rose, so can return to chickens in record time.

Sam, 26 or 27 and law grad in Florida. Dad died of ALS. ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE. I’m being serious. Also she just found out she passed the bar exam. Made a legal “briefs” joke. Seems like kind of a stress case. Speaks with vocal fry. ROSE.

Jennifer, 25, small business owner (very mysterious what kind) from Florida. During the cocktail ceremony when they’re talking, Jennifer says “moral and values are really important to me” while her cantaloupe-sized fake boobs are bobbing to the surface of her low-cute dress. ROSE.

Jami (but it’s pronounced “Jamie”, not “Jammy” like I wanted to), 23, bartender from Canada. She made a penis innuendo joke. ROSE.

Lace, 25, realtor in DENVER. Hometown advantage. Walks out of limo and kisses Ben H. Is actually wearing lace. Definitely an egomaniacal smoke show. Later gets drunk enough for people to comment on it. Threatened by Becca; talks about who she is hotter than. Drunk speaks later to Ben H and he turns down another kiss. She ambles around drunkenly and complains about everything and then Ben H goes back to find her. He reiterates thinking clearly before physical part. ROSE. And even after she gets a rose, Lace confronts Ben H that he didn’t make enough eye contact with her.

Also, when Lace speaks while intoxicated, she is a frighteningly accurate dead ringer (looks and voice) for the best Cecily Strong character on SNL: ‘The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With At a Party’.

Lauren R, 26, math teacher from Texas. Claims her stalking Ben H over social media is an advantage. Would we call that an advantage, or terrifying?

Shushanna, I think is speaking in Russian, or her terrible dress is. ROSE.

Leah, 25, event planner in Denver. Another home town advantage. Makes it very clear during multiple opportunities she LIKES FOOTBALL. ROSE.

Joelle “JoJo”, 24, real estate developer in Texas. Walks out in a unicorn head a la Bottom in Midsummer Night’s Dream. (The back story comes during the post-show.) Later does kind of a charades guessing game thing to make Ben H figure out where she is from and her occupation. ROSE.

Lauren H, 25, kindergarten teacher in Michigan. Can I pause here? The old me would have rolled my eyes at her being a kindergarten teacher. The mom me  is all about the quality kindergarten teachers. This is my public apology for being an unnecessary judger. ROSE.

Ok, back to judging!

Laura, 24, account executive from Louisville. Dead ringer for Emma Stone which is dope but then she had to ruin it and say people call me “Red Velvet.” Gross, really?? Later when she’s cut, she says maybe Ben H wasn’t into redheads. Or maybe he wasn’t into you.

Maegen, 30, cowgirl from Texas and brings in a live mini-horse. Oh 30, oh girl. That’s AARP-level. That must suck to get cut night 1 and have to deal with your horse too.

Breanna, 30, nutritional therapist from Washington state and says “gluten is the devil” and starts beating baguettes on the rock wall. I am so confused. But not confused she doesn’t get a rose later.

Isabel, “Izzy”, 24 from CT. Wearing pajamas to see if Ben H’s her “onesie.”

Rachel, 23 and unemployed from the south somewhere. But comes in on a hoverboard so that’s cool. ROSE.

Jessica, 23, accountant from Florida and refreshingly has zero gimmicks.

Lauren “LB”, 23, fashion buyer in Oklahoma. Huh what? ROSE.

Jackie, 23, gerontologist, San Francisco. Kind of has a genuine awed reaction. Gives Ben H a save-the-date for their wedding! I like that! And Ben H calls it “smooth.” ROSE.

Olivia, 23, news anchor in Texas. She majorly wanted to make sure Ben H noticed she has one dimple. Later she tells him she quit her job for him. Ohhhhhhh boy. That just made me sweat. But that doesn’t stress Ben H out. Because … FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. Olivia: “I think out conversation tonight was a really big deal to him.” Oh do you.

(Also, why do people care about First Impression Rose recipients? They’re never the ones at the altar later.)

Becca Tilley (ROSE) and Amber James (ROSE) surprise the women by also joining the cast. Wasn’t Amber on Bachelor in Paradise? That should DQ you from anything more G-rated in the future.

During cocktails, some girls laughed at Lauren B’s “too small” boobs. Sisterhood is very powerful.

The previews for the season ahead revealed a little much. They showed women saying I Love You and women holding roses so if I was doing a bracket, I would know who to keep, at least for a couple more weeks. I’m not doing a bracket, but I’m just saying if I was doing a bracket. You know? Just if I was. I would have spoilers. If I was. But I’m not.

P.S. The After Show got really good! Sorry, Jenny Mollen.

 

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2 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

2 responses to “bachelor ben h: he actually seems like a nice guy

  1. Bach Fan

    So glad you’re recapping! Looking forward to another season!

  2. Faye

    It took me 3 days to finish the episode and I didn’t watch the after show. Thoughts on yes/no watching the after show?
    One annoying thing you didn’t mention, they kept referring to how Ben was ‘unloveable’. Seriously, too many times!!!! I think we’ll hear it all season and I’ll be annoyed the whole time.
    Another observation, they are all too young! Even him maybe? Or maybe I’m too old?

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