It’s so weird because women never usually compete!
Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
and eating a ton of popcorn and looking at Pinterest and signing permission slips.
Heyyyyyyyy, everybody/2 of you. Do people still blog in 2015? Hahahahahahahahaha. Follow me on Vine, Snapchat, Viber, and MySpace. Mostly right here though, here. Here’s good.
Chris Harrison reminds us from second one that dueling Bachelorettes make this a “Two-night historic season premiere.”
There is often talk on the Bachelor of “making history” and the biggest/most controversial/most romantic  in “Bachelor history”. History is a pretty lofty concept, though. Like I wouldn’t say “this is my best one-pot meal in the history of all the shitty things I have cooked” or “in the history of hypochondria, the pretend cough you’re doing is the most shocking.” But it’s Bachelor World, so we roll with it.
BACHELOR HISTORY MOST SHOCKING MOST ROMANTIC MOST CONTROVERSIAL YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT JOURNEY HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS LOVE IS ONE BIG RAPELLING METAPHOR.
Ok, you know the 600 years you have spent watching this show? The model has changed this season. Instead of picking one Bachelorette, there are two on Night 1: Britt and Kaitlyn. So instead of the men having to get out of the limos and immediately make a great impression on the Bachelorette to avoid getting sent home, the women standing in front of the mansion to greet them have to make great impressions to each have a chance to win the competition to be able to stay and decide the ultimate competition. That makes sense, right?
I have seriously (I’m not kidding) (I am for real not joking) (literally, and I’m using “literally” correctly) stress eaten 10 red licorices (what is the plural? licorai?) before the pre-episode trailer is even over.
OF COURSE Britt is super happy and Kaitlyn is having a panic attack. Kaitlyn is a real human, and Britt is a robot. I actually like Britt. In a robot-y way.
The 25 dudes, sort of in order of appearance:
JONATHAN, 31, Detroit, Michigan – “I work in the automotive industry.” Plus: Super handsome. Plus (for Kaitlyn and Britt, at least): arm sleeve tattoos. Minus: has a 5 year-old son, Sky. His son would be a plus except that his existence means you automatically have to live in Detroit if you want to marry the guy. Which, to be fair, is better than Arlington, Iowa. Team Britt cause “she’s gorgeous, her smile, and bubbly personality.” Tells Britt she is gorgeous out of the limo. Britt likeys him.
JOE, 28, Columbia, Kentucky – Can’t remember his job. Plus: Kentucky accent Minus: Kentucky accent. Team Kaitlyn because of her “personality and smile”. Brings moonshine out of the limo. I like him. His hairdo/forehead ratio is a remaining question, but likable so far.
JOSH, 27, Chicago – Law school grad who “concentrated in criminal defense work”. Wait, I have never heard of a law school where you could “concentrate” your studies in a particular area of law. DO NOT TRY TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME, JOSH. I have a JD. I will be paying those loans off for 30 years. And until the last moment of the last payment in 2035, I will spend my life sussing out your WEB OF LIES. Josh “needs a job to pay the bills” so is a fireman, wait, a male dancer. Plus: knows how to dance. Plus/Minus: covered in tattoos. Minus: can’t figure out how to make money with his actual law degree. Comes out of the limo and starts a stripping routine and Kaitlyn says during camera time: “Britt, you can have this one.” I feel you, K.
BRADY, 33, Nashville, Tennessee – Singer/songwriter. We all know the deal with this guy. Minus: using the show to get famous. Minus: he might serenade you, gross. Plus: Um, he can play the piano. That seems like it could be handy for, idk, recitals? “Britt is beautiful and her charisma is contagious.” Brady plays spiritual songs. Did a couple of years in the minors for the Cardinals. He is smitten with Britt.
JOSHUA, 31, Kuna, Idaho – “I’m a small town country boy in search for love.” I looked up whether Joshua should have said “in search of love” but it turns out that’s only idiomatic and not grammatically superior, and my whole world just fell apart but whatever. Pro: industrial welder, in case you have some welding projects lying around. Minus: He makes welding/love metaphors. Plus: HE WELDED A METAL ROSE. Number One pick would be Kaitlyn. “Not often you find a lady as awesome on the inside as the outside.” I keep thinking about whether Kaitlyn’s internal organs are beautiful. Like what if she has a smokin’ hot pancreas. Wait, is Joshua the one that drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops? I lost track.
IAN, 28, Venice Beach – Executive recruiter. Was a Division I gold medalist track athlete at Princeton and then got hit by a car and was “left for dead”. I feel like I need more information about this part of the story. Does he mean he almost died or literally it was a hit and run and he was just lying on the ground and looked up and saw the Grim Reaper and no one tried to help? Minus: needs better story exposition. Plus: Knows how to overcome challenges. Minus: Balding. (I’m just being honest.) “Absolutely no ifs ands or buts would want Kaitlyn for Bachelorette because she seems genuine.”
JARED, 26, Warwick, RI – Restaurant manager. “I’m the type of person who is single because they know what they want… “Hey English majors, what is it called when you switch pronoun tense halfway through a sentence? Is it called KILLING ME SLOWLY? Every single one of these guys has done it. Minus: Jared is single because he is 26 and works in the restaurant industry. Do not listen to his LIES. Minus: kind of a crazy helmet hair do. Plus: Verrrrrry chiseled cheeks and walks on the beach in very dapper get-ups. Minus: Superhero Loveman getup? “Kaitlyn … wild fire, seems hysterical.”
TONY, 35, St Louis, MO – Healer specializing in flexibility therapy. Minus: He said namaste. Minus: he has described himself as antisocial. Minus: it takes a special woman to end up with a yogi and that aint Britt and it aint Kaitlyn.
Tony comes out of the limo like a smiley Eeyore and has the same whisper-shouted quote he tries on both women. WHY does Tony have a black eye tonight?
BEN Z, San Jose, California – personal trainer. I am predisposed to despise anyone with that job description (unless they are successfully training ME) but Ben is hooooooooooooot. I hope you read that as “hot” and not “hoot” like a bird. That would ruin my dramatic effect. Let’s try again. He is hooooooooooot. Ben’s mom died when he was 14. That is sad. Plus: plays every sport. Minus: he sees hot girls at the gym. “Britt and Kaitlyn would both be a great match for me.” BEN FOR THE DIPLOMATIC WIN.
Chris Harrison starts us off with limo entrances. “We’re about to start a journey to find love.”
Kaitlyn’s dress – I don’t normally like sequin dresses but … ahhh, I don’t like it. It’s hurting my eyes.
Britt’s dress – Strapless sweetheart neckline and white dress with midriff embellishment channeling a little virginal bride thing. She has toned down her make-up a LOT since last season.
Kaitlyn wants to murder Britt, and Britt is all sunshine and happy guffaws. Because, again, Kaitlyn is a human and Britt is a likeable robot. Also, Britt could be a model- she should NOT be on this show. Give this chance to Kaitlyn who is only practically a model!
BEN H, Denver, CO – software salesman. He will not stop talking about how he and Britt share a sponsor child together. Is it misogynist of me that I would not be attracted to a guy who has a “sponsor child”? I like my men only sexually ambiguous physically, not personality-wise. “With Britt I lost my words…” But then later Ben H has a talk with Kaitlyn about her tattoos (“they’re the only bird that always flies home” WAIT THAT SEEMS LIKE A LIE. Can someone Snopes that?) and he seems to shift.
CLINT, 27, Chicago – Architectural engineer. Oh Clint, what shall we make of you?!
RYAN B, age?, Wellington, Florida – Realtor. Did he just call Britt a Disney Princess? I wish I just screen shot my expression. It looks like someone put a turd in front of me at a restaurant. Is Disney Princess a porn fetish genre? Don’t answer.
Clearly the producers told the guys they would have to pick one woman or another to first approach out of the limo. It’s not believable that out of 25 men, only one or two were smart enough to say hello to both women at the same time. Given one woman is leaving by morning, why would you not hedge your bet?
CORY, 35, Pearland, TX- Residential developer. I forget everything about him.
JJ, 32, Denver, CO – former investment banker. Brought a hockey puck for Kaitlyn and said “I would love to puck you.” It’s kind of perfect, given her “You can plow my field anytime” line to Chris Soules last season. Which, just typing out, is making me again make a very ugly face. JJ totally falls in love with Britt later though, right? He calls her a smoke show, and finds it his civic duty to try and extricate her later from drunk Ryan M. In fact, he seems pretty creepy by the end of the episode in how intense his feelings are. Also, his teeth seem dirty. Is that a thing?
RYAN M, 28, Kansas City, MO – Junkyard specialist. “Honeys, I’m home!!” The women laugh. “I came here because I’m obsessed with Kaitlyn.” Gets majorly wasted in the house. “I’m horned up, everyone” is an oft-repeated line by Ryan M and it’s a straight-up new adjective for my own lexicon that I could NOT be more excited about. Ryan M then offends everyone, touches Kaitlyn’s ass, tries to swim in the pool in his tightie blackies, and gets booted from the house by Chris Harrison. Ryan M is officially the guy they wasted too much screen time on tonight and will also waste at the Men Tell All.
BRADLEY, 25, Atlanta, GA – International Auto Shipper. Dressed like a tennis player as some kind of gimmick. I know nothing else.
DANIEL, 28, Nashville, TN – Fashion designer. Dances around. Seems cute. Straight for sure?
JUSTIN, 28, Naperville, IL – fitness trainer. Brings a bunch of balloons for Kaitlyn. Has a 4 year-old named AURELIUS. According to someone I know who knows him, he is often as red-faced and sweaty in real life as he was on the show.
Wait, can we do some #RealTalk? Have you noticed on the show that if the men are single dads, they basically exit the limo like Hey lady what’s up I’m hot, I have some tattoos, and I have a kid and s/he is the best thing ever! When single women come on the show they hide the information until like the 4th date and for weeks the promos show her sweating and vomiting and telling all her house frenemies I HAVE TO TELL HIM, IT’S A SECRET AND I NEED TO REVEAL IT BUT I DON’T WANT TO SCARE HIM. Jason Mesnick and Juan Pablo Galvais were single dad Bachelors and Emily Maynard was a single mom Bachelorette but overall I think we can all agree it’s a way bigger problem when the woman comes a la mode.
TANNER, 28, St Louis, MO – Auto finance Manager. Brings Britt a pack of tissues as some kind of joke about how much she cried during Chris’ season. He’s like really nervously cute. And tall. Which I don’t usually like. But I would maybe make an exception for Tanner and his tissues.
So then Kaitlyn wants to know from far away, “IS THAT SOAP OR TISSUES?” And no one answers and the next person comes out. Weird editing. Later Britt jokingly confronts Tanner about the tissues thing, but that’s it, forget her, he goes “Team Kaitlyn all the way.”
#RealTalk: Fitness trainer is to Bachelors what hairstylist/make-up artist is to Bachelorettes. Lots of ’em but who doesn’t need a good one, amirite. I’d rather share a house with someone who could give me abs, extensions or fake eyelashes than someone who understands how wind currents affect bridge engineering integrity.
SHAWN B, 28, Windsor Locks, CT – a Ryan Gosling-esque personal trainer. Does a group hug but then gives Britt an extra special hug. She loves him. I like his haircut. But then he tells Kaitlyn she is why he’s there. Whoa, twist!! Kaitlyn likes him too. Oy. He says love at first sight. Kaitlyn later says “This is the closest I have felt to love at first sight.” They bond over each having a niece and nephew. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ALSO HAVE SIBLINGS WHO HAD KIDS.
One sec one sec one sec one sec. Kaitlyn bolts for the inside of the house. She just wants to remind all the guys they’re hot. I like that Kaitlyn has a little gender role reversal in her. She’s very focused on everyone’s looks. Me? I’m more of a traditional woman. I would just want to know bank accounts and get access to your phone security code.
DAVID, 26, Orlando, FL- real estate agent. And? I can’t remember.
COREY, 30/40, NY – Competitive beach volleyball player/investment banker. Definitely looks like an investment banker but I live in NY and I know it’s not his fault.
SHAWN E, 31, Ontario, CA – Amateur sex coach (wait, why amateur? what does it mean if you go pro?). OH MY GOD, HE DROVE UP IN A HOT TUB CAR. That is baller, baller, baller, baller, baller. Ryan M tries to ruin the moment by yelling “You Suck!” but I can’t wipe the smile off my face. Plus, so many questions about how the water stays retained. Shawn E decides to confront Ryan M later but Ryan M is so drunk, so it’s weird to pick a fight. Shawn’s last impression for us all is telling Britt, fairly seriously, “You don’t want anal toys to get stuck in your bowels.” I heard that right, right? This show is like a series of PSAs.
CHRIS, 28, Nashville, TN – Dentist. Rides up in a motorized cupcake. So, it’s weird, kind of cute, mostly weird but mostly I want to know why candy corns as the cupcake topping? There are so many other more common toppings and candy corns are really only associated with Halloween. Chris has really messed me up inside. Why not sprinkles or a frosting swirl?? Chris is cute with a good handsomey dentist smile but Minus: he rode up in a motorized cupcake. Chris ultimately goes Team Kaitlyn.
KUPAH, age?, town? – Entrepreneur. Wait, did he ever come out of the limo?
Now the women have to go work the room and in a twist, work to get votes of confidence. Kaitlyn leads with a joke:
Two bachelorettes who?
(Some dumb punchline)
Britt is NOT amused.
The best part of the episode are the voting boxes for each woman where the men get to places roses for votes. The cut out on top of the box is a long stem rose. This was someone’s job! To create this! I immediately want to know how much these will go on eBay for.
I just had this weird moment where I got weirded out that no one at this party was staring at a smart phone. Right? Like the party is off because everyone has to talk and look up!
THE VOTES ARE IN …