Better late than never, amirite.
Sooooo all the played-out fantasy suite episode boxes were checked. Island? Yep. One remote island date and ocean nookie? Totes. One walking-around-the local-town-center-pretending-to-be-spontaneous date? Donezo. One-
(sound of a record scratching to a halt)
Why the F did Farmer Chris get a horseback-riding date in the MIDDLE OF THE DR? One, you don’t fly to a tropical island to stay in the interior without easy access to the sea. Two, this is so insanely unfair. Chris is a farmer by trade and then you basically take him to an uglier agrarian part of the world to engage in an incredibly unromantic date. Also – side note – I think a new rule should be instituted that on the first night everyone has to report their dealbreakers so we don’t waste anyone’s time. Andi would never have lived in Iowa and Chris would never live outside of it. So now we have come this far and we all have the sadz.
Because: Chris is crazy cute. Right? I’m not alone here, right? Parental peer pressure is The Worst. Chris needs to move to Chicago and sow his wild oats (hahahahaha did you get what I did right there? hahahahahahaha) like this guy.
When Andi has to recap for us the three guys and what she thinks of them, the highlights are: Josh “just has that dark hair”; Chris is sweet; and Nick kisses with passion Andi has never experienced before. And honestly, I am with her on Josh’s dark hair. He’s one in a million.
Andi wears a cute tie-dye coverup and Nick has gotten a haircut. They board a helicopter to a private island and I am trying to figure out what is tucked into the side of Andi’s bikini top. Microphone? Flask? Condoms? Juicy Fruit?
Instrumental music plays while they’re in the water so they probably did it.
Later on the beach, I like how when Nick is talking about being embarrassed when his fiancée called their whole wedding and relationship off, Andi is aggressively eating chips.
Their mini love seat on the beach that night does not look comfy. I feel like I’m going to die that Nick wrote a fairy tale. But then he starts reading it, and it is kind of romantic. Right?
“Chris Harrison” provides the couple with a ginormous brass key for their fantasy suite. Nick is most excited for the overnight to “talk [Andi’s] ear off.” I don’t know if that means he is a narcissist or just annoying.
First he takes her to a tree to say I love you – just in case the cameras can’t find him there – and it is a little steamy I must admit. Andi makes her ugly frowny face when Nick tells her all the things he loves about her. It gets passionate and he lifts her up and they go to fantasy suite and make a baby with Justin Timberlake hair and chiclet teeth.
Has the bachelor or bachelorette ever picked someone they had a walking around town date with?
Andi likes that Josh speaks Spanish. Awwww look at that grass-less baseball field. I hope after producers exploited the poor Dominicans, they put some f*cking sod down.
I like that Josh talks while he kisses. TMI?
At dinner Andi’s agenda is to find Josh’s not-happy side. Andi, have you met his family?? They all have very white teeth and politician/media figure-ready personalities.
I think Andi likes the sexiness from Nick but wants to marry Josh. Chris should throw the towel in already and take his very superior haircut back to a state where I can’t believe you can get such a rad haircut.
Their fantasy suite is ridiculous. Then they make out in a pool.
Chris reject day
Andi is rocking a caftan very well.
Andi is so focused on how fun Chris’s family in Iowa was. Then they ride horses which is never romantic unless you’re in Game of Thrones. Chris is almost too polite, which makes him not able to get “There” as quick.
It’s nighttime now and I like Andi’s Roman-inspired dress.
Oh they get a bed to lounge on! Too bad Andi and Nick were on that bad loveseat and this bed is wasted on this couple and the not fun conversation they’re having about Iowa.
Kudos to Andi for not taking the easy way out with Chris and blaming it on Iowa. Although, looking at it from another angle, she’s basically like “I want to make sure you know I am rejecting you for YOU.”
But Bridges of Madison County, Andi!
As predicted, Chris is too quiet and polite even while getting dumped. He needs a Midwest girl. It would suck to be the cameraman who has to film him packing.
Chris was the hottest of the three so I look forward to seeing him again tomorrow. I’ll play Ghosts in the Graveyard with you, Chris.
How dumb was that that Chris Harrison walked aback up the stairs just to fake the guys out that he was going to get Chris so he could dramatically reveal Chris wasn’t there?
Men Tell All in just 24 hours. It will be as boring as this season, but I’m 38 and about 10 pounds overweight so I’ll probably watch it anyway.