First things first: I know who gets the boot because Twitter. Ugh.
Nick’s Hometown: Milwaukee
Nick’s most favorite place in the city is the Public Market. Andi would not wear the cheesehead thing and say Let’s Go Packers. Brewery date = always solid. And then they polka to klezmer music. I finally have Midwest friends in my life, so, I get it. This part of the country is awesome. Except for the no-coasts things.
Now they head to met Nick’s very large family. Wait, how many siblings? Why couldn’t brother Sam make it? Sister Maria’s opinion matters the most. Andi’s serious listening face is very frowny. Also, Nick has a verrry little sister, Bella. There is some Duggar sh*t going on here. Mom has had 17 kids and looks crazy young with a rad haircut and still wears some fierce boots! I have two kids, and it’s frump city around here. Sad face.
Chris’ Hometown: Arlington, Iowa
Population: 758. PASS!
Soooo I don’t even need to watch this segment to know Andi will never live here, or anywhere near a farm. But maybe The Pioneer Woman has a different opinion.
You know how Andi says: “Shut. Up. Shuuuuuut. Up.” when something is fun or surprising to her? It’s the worst. Chris drives a combine or tractor, or whatever it is. Even though the promo made it seem like Chris tells Andi she could be a homemaker in Iowa, it turns out he follows it quickly with, she could be a DA in Cedar Rapids. That was unnecessarily provocative, ABC.
Chris gets a cropduster plane to carry “Chris Loves Andi” banner above them. She calls it “sweet” so uh oh.
Then they head to mom and dad’s house. I love when people squeal when the Bachelor/ette walks in. My in-laws definitely did not squeal when they met me for the first time.
Poor, sweet mom seems worried that Chris might move out of Iowa. All the adult siblings went and played Ghost in the Graveyard. It would be cool if this turned into a horror movie. Do you think all the cameramen will give away their location?
Josh’s Hometown: Tampa
Tampa is one of those places I don’t believe people are from. Whatever, Tampa.
What is Josh’s current job? Why are we not allowed to know? They go play baseball on Josh’s old baseball diamond stomping grounds. Andi broke a bat, which is all kinds of awesome.
Josh: “My whole life I dreamed of going to the Hall of Fame, and then I realized what was important in life.” Long story short, Josh and the entire family are focused on getting the youngest, Aaron, drafted to the NFL. A connected theme is that Josh’s family is all very inter-connected and, foreshadowing, can they all handle going their separate ways?
Parents are predictably attractive. Wondering if sister Stephanie plays professional sports. Josh loves his pit bull (?) Sable. This family is very close. I cannot say anything snarky about that. Andi does not seem as happy about this. Dad: “You marry a family. We’re a unit.” But the younger sibs are more normal about Josh marrying and moving on. And then they all attractively play touch football as best friends in the backyard. This is similar to my family. Except for none of it.
Marcus’ Hometown: Dallas
Marcus is a nice guy. Probably a little boring, but it’s hard for me to put my finger on how specifically. Because he is strip teasing, for the love. Wait, is Marcus wearing like lift briefs? Like with a Spanx butt?
Andi says she is more nervous to meet Marcus’ family than any other hometown. Why? Because she is foreshadowing?
Dudes, the niece made them Rainbow Loom bracelets. I could not be more excited about that.
Whatever else happens, Marcus and his older brother got to have a great moment together (re: their dad leaving).
Marcus just has a boring delivery about him, so I am done with this segment. I’m reading people.com.
The Eric Hill Death
Apparently Chris Harrison says there is a reason they had to film and air this.
The worst part about this is you can tell some of them are straining to evoke tears and emotions. It feels like a contest of whose reaction is “most appropriate.” Crickets. Lots of crickets.
Then the crew comes out from behind the cameras and they all hug. Can’t someone de-mike Andi?
Rose Ceremony Must Go On
You are the weakest link, Marcus. Goodbye!
Does Marcus’ ass have a Twitter handle yet? What if his butt and Pippa Middleton’s butt had a baby?
Fantasy Suite dates in the DR. Andi’s head and heart don’t match up.