I keep forgetting this show even airs. I am so disappointed in myself.
The one thing I will say about this Least Dramatic Season of The Bachelorette Ever is that I realllllly like the guys. When they showed scenes from the last 3 years, I mean weeks, I was thinking that I would totally date like a number of these guys. And I mean we can all agree: I am the barometer.
Pause: Isn’t it weird we have never spoken about how Ron’s friend died and he left the show? Un-pause.
If this was an accurate portrayal of France (why has Andi never been there before?), there would be a lot of chain-smoking and mediocre street quiche.
Voyons si notre amour peut tenir le cap … date with Josh
I minored in French in college and have no idea what the date card says.
Chris Harrison sits down at an outdoor cafe with Andi and asks her if she’s fallen in love and she says Yes, with more than one person/man.
Cue: date with Josh. It wouldn’t be a good Euro cinematic shot without some laundry hanging on a line out the window. They walk around Marseilles, get some sammies, say Merci and board a boat and discuss Josh’s jock past while striking a Titanic pose.
Josh claims he stopped playing professional baseball because he wanted a family.
I have nothing to say.
Their boat stops somewhere in the Calanques rocky hilly formation and it’s the off-season so they’re wearing sweaters in the wind and talking more about Josh’s jock past. Andi doesn’t make eye contact when they talk. Andi claims she is gun shy now because of Juan Pablo, ie hot jock = the wrong match.
Meanwhile the guys are sitting the hotel talking about why Andrew is a bad guy. 1. the phone number from the waitress incident 2. at a Rose Ceremony Andrew said something like “wow, she have a rose to the two Blackies.” Even if he said “Black guys,” that is super inappropriate, embarrassing, and pathetic. Blackie? I’m sorry, JJ, I don’t believe that even lose cleft chin guy used a word last heard in 1951. Marquel is smart enough to know this is hearsay.
Marquel cries into the camera and basically in few words imparts to the millions watching the painful reality of living and breathing racism directed at you daily. I am not sure there has been a more authentic or poignant moment ever in this series, and since I read Twitter spoilers, it looks like all around it’s not Marquel’s night.
Dinner for Andi and Josh is inside a castle? I actually don’t know – all European buildings look like castles. This could be the DMV for all we know.
Andi is bitching that she doesn’t yet have an emotional, mental connection with Josh. I think she is over-thinking it because honestly, Josh has been willing to talk about anything Andi brings up. It’s not like JP where he grins and then starts french kissing. PUN. ?
They’re just two kids from Atlanta, y’all. Rose.
Gross, they go dance to a private concert by someone- who cares. Private concerts are the new helicopter.
[blank] group date
The boyz II men gather in a Marseilles square and head to a dance studio to learn how to MIME. A good French stereotype, so why not.
The thing about the white face paint is it brings out the yellow in the teeth.
JJ: “Am I an amazing mime-person? No.” I think the word is just mime. It’s one of those awesome noun/verbs.
They all go to perform before a street audience. I kind of like their mime outfits – stripes, suspenders. The crowd, or lack thereof, is not into it. THAT’S BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES MIMES. And also because French people are super mean. Marquel mimes with a little boy, JJ mimes his past date with Andi. Etc. The point is, all the guys stepped up. Except Salty Nick. Nick hates group dates and he’s not afraid to show it.
For the After Party they’re in some kind of catacombs-style lounge VIP space. JJ steals Andi away and they walk to the lit up ferris wheel and take a spin. Heyyyy yoooo!
The guys are all left bored and gossipy. They all gang up on Nick for thinking he is the frontrunner, and a bunch of people said stuff. Then cutie farm boy Chris reveals to Andi about Nick being a jerk. Cody follows up on the same topic during his 1-on-1. When Nick then gets time with Andi, well- she is not happy that “two of the nicest guys in the house” aren’t feelin’ Nick.
But then, 180 because NICK WROTE A POEM! I think it’s a poem. Andi: “Are you going to kiss me or what?” That ruckus-causing scoundrel!
Marcus Gosling is a breath of fresh hair because he is good-looking but just calm and drama-free.
Marquel uh oh, decides to confront Andrew about the “blackie” comment in front of other guys. Andrew is, understandably, flabbergasted. He is probably a dick, yes, but even I don’t believe he used the term “blackie”.
I’ve Got the Recipe for Love date with Brian
There is a cross-promotion with The 100 Foot Journey and so Andi and Brian watch it as part of their date. Then they walk around to various markets to get the ingredients to cook something. They eat sea urchin, and buy frog legs. I’ve eaten them- they – you guessed it – taste like chicken.
According to Andi, Brian turns into a jerk when they start cooking in the kitchen. According to me, yes that’s true. Weird. They ditch their meal, even though it looks pretty, to go eat al fresco at a cafe. They do big, loud smooches and Andi gives him the date rose.
Cocktail Party JK, Rose Ceremony
Andi is SO SURE who she wants to cut, she won’t even do the sit-downs. I can’t decide if that’s more or less embarrassing for the rejects.
And hands out remaining roses in order of her faves:
Cody (say what you will about his hair, but he’s nice and fun and good-natured and I am glad he’s still around)
The two cleft chin guys get the boot (one who has been told by numerous women he is the total package), and Marquel. WHO IF HE IS THE NEXT BACHELOR, I AM SUING MIKE FLEISS.
The city that climate change will begin. The boys arrive on a pirate ship and Andi on a gondola. Can we talk about their outfits? Nick V looks appropriately European in his scarf and leather jacket. Marcus Gosling is wearing a bright red windbreaker.
Andi breaks Cody’s heart in half by announcing her 1-on-1 starts immediately and it’s with Nick, even though the only person who has never had a solo date is Cody. He’s the “pet dog of the group.”
Call me crazy but I don’t think the dudes are actually staying on Venice. I looked on a map and it’s actually super far away in Padua. Ha ha ha ha ha budget.
Date with Nick
Andi and Nick stroll around the city and then get in a gondola and Nick apologizes for being a D last week. For dinner Nick dons a tuxedo and Andi arrives via gondola with an evening dress on and Eyes Wide Shut masquerade mask. Because … they eat dinner in a masquerade hall. I like Andi’s eyeshadow.
Nick basically tells Andi why he thinks he’s a “front-runner” (hint: because there is noooo way anyone else has the connection they do. HA! Nick has never seen the The Bachelor/ette before).
Nick tells Andi he is falling in love with her, and gets the date rose. They go outside in their masks and dance to an orchestral trio.
I’m Looking for True Love group date
Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and Chris get the group date in Monselice, Italy. (It’s obvious Cody is a good guy because all the guys are happy for him once they realize he gets the next 1-on-1 in Venice).
Andi gets a Secret Admirer letter.
“I’ve asked y’all to be honest…” so the date involves a lie detector test. And all the guys look crestfallen. Which is funny, and, um, not ideal. Me: I am an open book!
Josh: “If you have trust in somebody, then why do you need to do something like this?” And then: “How correct are these machines?” Finally: “What if you want to explain something?” Josh can’t handle the truth.
Side note: JJ says he’s good in bed.
This process makes Dylan sick in the stomach and head so he goes back to the hotel. Um?
3 men told no lies. One man told 2 lies, and two men told 3 lies. And then, total stunt. Andi rips up the results and never sees which guys lie. LAME.
Brian gives Andi a pretend lie detector test with their hands and then does those aggressive, short, totally unromantic loud kisses with her. Marcus Gosling is his usual, calm, kind self. And he tells Andi he almost left early on, but stayed and that he’s in love with her. And then they do intense tonguing and THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT, Brian. Take notes. Josh can’t let anything go and has to chastise Andi for giving lie detector tests, even though she ripped up the results. Andi guesses correctly that Chris is the Secret Admirer.
Group date rose to: Chris.
JJ’s uglee side comes out and he throws a little tantrum because the guys are actual collegial and support one another when they get a rose or a date or something good happens.
Verona, Italy date with Cody
Andi goes into this date emotionally drained. But Cody has the best eyes she has ever seen in her life, so…
They go to all the sights involved in Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet and then the Club di Gulietta, where they answer letters people from all over the world send to “Juliet” with love questions. Cody reads a staged letter from a guy in love with a “Sarah”.
I like Cody, so I wish he hadn’t worn such a deep V under his sport coat. It’s so deep, I am worried about what might pop out- besides his smooth, shaved chest. Then Cody reads a letter he wrote to “Juliet” about Andi. Then he basically leans in to her (Sheryl Sandberg would be so proud) and gives her a litany of things he’s feeling. To the tune of:
Andi, I wanna, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you. I want to bring you home to meet my family. The more you are around me, you’re in trouble because you’re going to fall in love with me. And on and on without taking a breath, while leaning dangerously with his deep V, and with zero awareness of Andi’s horrendous body language (eg frowning, wiping mascara). Cody will not feel good when he watches this back IRL tonight and it’s too bad, because he shoulda gone out a little better.
The second Andi tells Cody she isn’t feeling it with him, he turns back into a normal, cute guy. “We can’t always get what we want.”
The men are all POed because before Andi can even walk in to the oldest winery in Somewhere, Nick secretes her away for a make-out sesh. Andi is DELIGHTED. She gives the camera a post-coital look and says “That’s a man!” To be fair, Andi has always been consistent that she is looking for someone hyper-masculine aka alpha and assertive in romance and physicality. So Farmer Nick et al, with their preoccupation with gentlemanliness, while adorable and lovely, is not doing favors in the race against Nick.
Dylan goes to interrupt. Oy, the non-masculine stomach virus guy who has to interrupt Andi with her favorite.
The boys are pulling out all their little stops tonight. Pleas, gimmicks, love letters… Josh and his continued fixation with trust and honesty.
I tune out the entirety of Andi’s sit-down with Chris Harrison.
Roses beyond Nick and Chris t0: Dylan, Brian, Marcus Gosling, and Josh.
I’m not saying JJ should have gotten a rose, but keeping Josh around for another week of their inane conversations about lying and trust and not hurting… blech.
I liked the Pantspreneur. Andi has major side boob tonight.
Next week in Brussels: Andi wears gowns at the nadir of bedazzlement.