Andi gets to stay at the Bacara Resort & Spa in Santa Barbara and have her boy toys come to her. I see each season they get out of LA quicker.
Let’s Ride Off Into the Sunset date with Nick V
“What are the chances things are going to work out between us?” – Nick
Wha? I actually had to rewind that. V.confused.
They bike around blah blah blah, while the guys back at the house analyze Nick. I love when the guys have to get in touch with their inner estrogen to stave off house arrest boredom.
Nick tells Andi he has a crush on her, which is kind of super adorable. Then they rock scramble.
At dinner that night, I am confused. Here is why: Andi is in cocktail attire, including hair and accessories. Nick V is wearing a hybrid military/bomber/mini trench jacket with popped collar over a v-neck tea and v-neck sweater. I know layering is in (or at least was in 2012), but I keep thinking he is about to leave the date.
He gets the rose anyway, and they smooch overlooking Santa Barbara. In the voiceover Andi says “if I develop real feelings for Nick…” which I’m hoping was an editing trick of chronological time manipulation since Andi and Nick just made out for a while.
Let’s Start Things Off on the Right Note group date
I know Andi has baby teeth but have you guys noticed they slope unevenly? Like they are slightly shorter on her left side (right side when you’re looking directly at her)?
The men go into Hahn Hall to learn they are going to sing with Boyz II Men. Boyz II Men are sacred, so the only reason I don’t punch these yahoo Bachelor guys in their nut sacks for trying to yuk it up with them, is because I believe in my heart some of them are the right age cohort to revere them too. The guys all practice, as does Andi, and most of them suck. Then they learn they will be singing “I’ll Make Love to You” at a Boyz II Men concert later that day. Which turns out to be at an outdoor shopping center.
At the After Party, we could all relax. Andi played a trick on Cody, and Ryan Gosling went in for a kiss. Andi kept her hand on his face and her nose squished against him, and looked super happy. Ryan Gosling for the win. But then comes Josh the ex-athlete with the ultra white teeth and Andi pulls him in to her asymmetrical teeth lair. They whisper and smooch. And Josh gets the rose! And Marcus Gosling gets the sads.
Love is Timeless date with JJ
JJ the Pantspreneur and Andi get old age make-up and go out into Santa Barbara and walk around and pretend to be old. They even adopt old people voices- impressive! Best part is they get to ride motorized scooters. Then they pull a Bad Grandpa and start doing cartwheels and playing football. Andi says she’s never dated anyone as fun as JJ before.
JJ says what he finds most attractive about Andi is not her looks. And it actually is probably genuine coming from him.
JJ keeps asking Andi if “he can steal a kiss”, which makes me feel bad because I read in a tabloid interview with Andi that can’t stand when guys ask permission first before trying for a kiss- that it’s not manly. You know what is manly? Aggressive dry humping. I digress.
Andi and JJ are FINALLY allowed to look their age and have dinner back at the Bacara.
I’m not sure that right off the bat JJ should have shared that he was such a dorky kid in school that he was bullied and his parents had to pull him out of public school. But he gets the rose!
Ron has to leave the house because a friend dies. Bye, Ron.
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Nice Eric was trying to sit down and tell Andi for the millionth time that he liked getting the first date, and Nick had roses delivered to Andi right when she was sitting there talking to Eric. Totally romantic, but not gentlemanly timing.
JJ and Josh pull Andrew out to ask him why the other day when they were all out he hit on a waitress and bragged about getting her phone number. Andrew wasn’t too psyched about the ambush. Remaining roses to:
Andrew (how much you want to bet producers told her to give him the rose last?)
Sayanara to Brett the hairstylist and Bradley the opera singer (“I love to be loved, and I love to love” and then he cries). There is totally a girl out there for Bradley and a guy out there for Brett.
Now the pack is in Connecticut. And everyone is pretending to be excited they are in CONNECTICUT. But cute Farmer Chris is excited to be staying at Mohegan Sun and says it’s the nicest hotel he has ever stayed at. No comment.
Our Relationship is Picking Up Steam date with Dylan
This is Dylan’s “backyard” as he’s from Boston. We are all crossing our fingers he doesn’t talk on his first 1-on-1 date about how BOTH his siblings died from drugs.
The pair goes on the Essex Clipper steam train up some river. On the train Andi wishes Dylan would be comfortable to just tell her the thing that is clearly on his mind. Well, maybe when Dylan was talking about his ex and he said “the day after MY BROTHER’S FUNERAL” and you just kept nodding and then said how pretty the scenery was, maybe he didn’t feel the space was safe.
They go for dinner on the dining car and Dylan better pick up his game. He can’t help it and tells Andi that both his siblings ODed on drugs, his dad wasn’t in his life, and it was then just him and his mom.
He gets a rose, because, what else can you do.
Basketball where? Coach Brian is super pumped.
Andi walks out with some WNBA superstars and I was impressed Josh could name them. The girls school the guys and so they decide the guys will just split into two teams, Red and White and play one another for a smaller group date later in the night. Red team has Coach Brian so that will be shady if they don’t win.
In fact, Brian dominates and Andi thinks he looks hot, and the red team (the Rosebuds, gross) wins. The white team is pissed, and ex-baseball player Josh is not accepting defeat. I feel like the white team is sadder about losing a sports activity than not getting the extra time with Andi.
Eric, may he RIP, has a strong convo with Andi. Enough said.
Andi and Brian sneak off to play a little basketball together. She thinks he’s hot. But later goes back to her burning burning love with Nick. Luckily Brian gets the group date rose anyway.
The Sky’s the Limit date with Marcus
Marcus is super cute, but he’s going to be bald in a few years. I think it’s important to take those things into account.
They go rappel off the side of the building. The feminist in me wants to barf every time Marcus Gosling is like “Andi, look at me, lean back” and other shouty commands even though I am pretty sure he is not a professional rappeling instructor. And on cue, Andi squeals with fear.
That night, in her leather tight pants, they go eat at Griswold Inn, the oldest something in America. Marcus gets the date rose.
They go dance to a band afterwards. Who? I don’t care. Marcus whisper-shouts a bunch of things while they’re dancing, including that he is falling in love with Andi.
Andi gets a love letter delivered to her. The word “journey” is the third word of the letter, and the sentiments are very cliche. “Andi is gorgeous and her smiles lights up a room.” That letter is like the red rose of the flower kingdom. Go with me here.
Tasos gets real; Brian finally kisses Andi at center court; Marquel teaches Andi some self-defense moves; and Eric, um, RIP.
Then Chris Harrison and Andi talk about Eric. I am holding my tongue.
I would have liked to say goodbye to Tasos.
ABC wastes everyone’s time with an Andi retrospective this week (nothing like a look back at THREE episodes of a show), and because of modern technology, I used the “8x” fast forward function, and got to watch Tasos cry and leave in a limo. But first, classy Marquel hugs Tasos before collecting his rose. Tasos and his admittedly-fly earrings can, and will, do better.
(Even though Tasos says his 2 weeks in the house was the best part of his life so far. Theories on how this is possible? My best guess is he was cryogenically frozen from birth to now.)
South of France is next.