Well, I hope the season is a good one. Because it is dedicated to someone who died tragically. And also Andi quit her ADA job. Last but not least, I AM SO TIRED OF WATCHING THESE.
I am. I’m being honest.
Hi, Andi! You are cute. As predicted, your hair has toned down the two-tone and your Jewish Shrek dad already has a starring role on the season (case in point: we never got to hear mom talk).
I like the staged entre where Chris Harrison helps Andi with her one carry-on suitcase into her rental house in LA. Andi’s sister comes to help her get ready, which is sweet and realistic. I’m also glad Andi doesn’t choose the bedazzled-on-steroids dress. Oh wait, she does. Bummer.
MARCUS, Sports Medicine Manager from TX – I don’t think a 25 year-old is ready for marriage, but maybe from Texas. Andi: “He is hot!” She reminds us of this fact later. To me he is a dead ringer for a Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling. He’s growing on me. His favorite place anywhere is Copenhagen. ROSE.
CHRIS, corn and soybean farmer from Iowa: Super eager and a little short for tv and his eyes are kind of squinty. Which means he’ll probably be my favorite and he’ll get booted Night 1. ROSE.
JJ, pantrspreneur from San Francisco in a bow tie. Dorky but probably super confident. ROSE.
MARQUEL, sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas: Normal height, from Las Vegas and not white. Three strikes for the show. But seems super sweet. His great love is cookies? You can’t make a girl who is dressed to the nines eat a bunch of cookies! What about her teeth?! ROSE.
TASOS, wedding event coordinator in Denver: Earrings, faux-hawk and um, WEDDING EVENT COORDINATOR?? He does this lock from Lovers Bridge in Paris schtick. She liked it. ROSE.
CODY, personal trainer from Chicago: Popped collar, bleached faux-hawk, pretends to push a limo. No no no no no. ROSE. Wait, what?
STEVEN, snowboard product developer from California: Kind of adorable even with the dangerously Ben Flajnikish hair. Used the word “stoked” so points detracted. SENT HOME.
RUDIE, attorney from Long Beach: Cute schtick riffing on the Fourth Amendment and criminal search warrants BUT teeth too white. We all know how that plays with me. Also, he drew a HEART OVER THE “I”. No. SENT HOME.
CARL, firefighter from Ft Lauderdale: brings a globe for her which is cute. Kinda like that his pants are tailored short at the bottom. ROSE.
JASON, urgent care physician from Wisconsin: His joke about her having a fever and being hot is so bad, you would only accept it from a nice Midwesterner. The problem is that 2002 called and it wants it’s hair back. Sorry, Jason, I can’t imagine you last until tomorrow. SENT HOME. He doesn’t know what it was. YOUR HAIR, YOUR HAIR, YOUR HAIR.NICK B, software sales in Chicago: Andi can’t get over his polka dot tie. One of eleven siblings. I don’t even understand how that works. Andi feels an instant attraction for him. And he gets the First Impression Rose. I like that he’s 33.
DYLAN, accountant from Boston: He’s her height, and cute, and nervous and is it just me or did they have like a split second intense connection when he stepped out of the limo? ROSE.
PATRICK, advertising exec from California: makes a soccer ball joke anti Juan Pablo. Tee hee hee hee. ROSE.
EMIL, helicopter pilot from California: ANAL WITH AN “M”. SENT HOME.
BRETT, hairstylist from Pennsylvania: Pretending to be straight. Brought a floor lamp he stole from the hotel for Andi. She kind of looks disgusted, but I think it’s, um, funny? ROSE.
CRAIG, tax accountant from Denver: sprays the walkway with champagne to celebrate Andi. Says “I’m a hugger” and seems super jolly. ROSE.
RON, beverage sales manager from Nashville: Has grown up all over the world and I’m stressed out that so many guys are wearing similar shirts. ROSE.
BRADLEY, opera singer from Michigan: wants to serenade her later, which is a shame since no one thinks opera music is romantic. He does it anyway. ROSE.
JOSH B, telecom marketer from Denver: cute and kind of normal. SENT HOME. Super angry that is embarrassed as f*ck and this is stupid. Yikes, dodged that one.
NICK S, pro golfer from Florida: pulls up in a golf cart. Cute. Already has a bald spot. Maybe he will remind her of her dad? ROSE.
BRIAN, basketball coach from Pennsylvania: nervous and cure because of it. ROSE.
ANDREW, social media marketer from California: annoying job title. ROSE.
MIKE, bartender from Utah with messy long hair: Bartender, Utah, Long Hair. A trifecta of disqualifications. Nonetheless, I like his laid-back vibe and how he wants to pretend he met Andi in a normal setting. Oh and he goes by Camps? SENT HOME.
ERIC, explorer from California: THIS IS THE GUY THAT DIED so I will heretofore refuse to say anything about him. According to all reports in the media, he was an amazing person. R I P. ROSE.
JOSH M, former pro baseball player in Atlanta: So given that Andi is super close with her family and lives in Atlanta, this could be perfect. Of course, it’s majorly annoying ABC is insisting on giving his job title as a passe one but fine. We all need to know he was a professional athlete for 17 minutes. Andi says he’s her type. Which definitely doesn’t bode well for the two long blond-haired guys. ROSE.
Andrew and Patrick make a love match over Formula One.
INTERLOPER = Chris Bukowski. So many questions. How did he know when filming was beginning? Doesn’t he realize his stint on Bachelor Pad will make Jewish Shrek murder him? Why is he not back in my hometown running his girls’ sports bar? Andi gives the thumbs down on meeting him. Also, it’s not creepy at all he was staying out there for 7 days waiting for the production to begin.
Some of the guys say that never got a chance to speak to Andi during the cocktail hour. That doesn’t seem right. Wouldn’t you want to talk to everyone so your decision is truly informed?
Highlights of the Season
Europe, fighting, crying, amazingness.
Fairytales DO happen, Andi!!