Chris Harrison promises this will be the Most Controversial Finale in Bachelor History. For once, they deliver on the hyperbole. Although, it feels like a spoiler.
Juan Pablo promised a surprise at ATFR. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
After some ominous sound effects of hyperventilating crying in a jungle, Chris Harrison joins us live from a studio audience, and with stars from Bachelors past. Wait, does that always happen? I can’t remember, but I don’t think so.
Once upon a time, there was an infinitesimal chance that a friend could get me tickets to this finale. It didn’t work out and as the season went on, I just kept feeling I had dodged a bullet because it was all such a flop. But now I am re-thinking…
Clare meets the family
Cute that Juan Pablo’s whole family is in St Lucia together, from all points Miami and Venezuela. They are obviously psyched to be getting this reunion on ABC’s dime, but all have IQs high enough to know that their cad-about-town, Juan Pablo, is not serious about this or the girls.
Finally they edit in the fact that Clare’s mom is Mexican and the whole family speaks Spanish but her. Weird.
Juan Pablo looks a lot like his mom.
His mom, Nelly, and Clare bond over the fact that Juan Pablo can be rude and make them both cry. This is super healthy.
Pervert Cousin Rodolfo takes some 1 on 1 time with Clare. Her answer to whether she is in love with Juan Pablo, is “I’m falling in love with him.” Usually the girls are more sure by now. And now the cousin is carrying on the theme of hinting that Juan Pablo has anger and coping issues.
Juan Pablo’s father, on the hand, is not afraid of the L word. In a Bachelor first, he says to the bachelorette: “I love you.”
When Clare left, surprise surprise, she and Juan Pablo just made out for a while. Cause that’s how they do.
Nikki meets the family
Oh yeah, Nikki already met the parents. Today, she should just come naked. Juan Pablo’s reaction to her arrival makes it seem like he wants her to be the one.
It’s weird that Nikki adores being a pediatric nurse, but it never seems like she’s that attentive or demonstrative to/with Cameeeela.
Juan Pablo’s dad to Nikki: “He’s [Juan Pablo] not an easy guy. He thinks he knows he truth in everything.” These girls can never say they weren’t warned.
And then Juan Pablo’s mom, basically, in a nutshell, I think, says that Juan Pablo spends his entire weekends watching tv. And then says she’s “pretty sure” he’s ready to get married.
Then the cousin asks: “How much fighting can you take? I mean, I love the guy, but…” Um.
I love these Venezuelans. So honest.
Juan Pablo to the camera/universe: “Can I keep both?”
Live Studio Audience pointlessness
I think Catherine is already doing the whole post-wedding Freshman 15 thing. Not that I am hating. I am a huge fan of the lifelong Freshman 15 thing. Just observing, y’all. I’m a famous blogger. I have responsibilities.
Everyone else says boring crap. Kelly the Dog Lover gets invited, and gets to speak. If she’s the next Bachelorette, I am done forever with this show. Mark my words. I will go on hiatus.
Clare’s Last Date
A helicopter over St Lucia. Clare says a lot of philosophical stuff about the mountains and the view. Juan Pablo says: “She’s very hot. She’s very sexy.”
Then Juan Pablo says something even less inspired and base when they land, and it upsets Clare. She tells the camera
“he whispered something to me… I’m just shocked. It’s something he said in that moment to me. It’s…I don’t have words for it, how I feel right now. He chose to tell me something no woman wants to hear. That he doesn’t really know me, and some sexual thing – I don’t even want to repeat. It was insulting. It was offensive. It just made me feel awful.”
Clare says “I’m not an object – maybe he doesn’t really know me.” Girl, the slut-shaming after the ocean thing could have told you that.
What’s weird though is that they then spend the entire rest of the day together. Ok, fine, we see them when they’re ready for dinner and Clare is upset. But what about the entire day? Probably the acted fine and the giggled and kissed. Girls are just the worst sometimes.
(ANDI FOR PRESIDENT!)
It grosses me out that Juan Pablo keeps asking for a “besito”. I feel super dirty. I have never liked selective bilinguality.
“Things that happen in private stay in private.”
The way Juan Pablo gets defensive in his tone and facial expressions and body language when he is confronted about anything, is so telling and scary. I feel like his ex should have been invited to counsel the girls too this season.
I am reading Tweets as I watch, and I agree with Possessionista that I have total confusion over why Clare still shows up on proposal day in a dress after this convo.
Ohhh… He ropes Clare back in via her ovaries. The old biological clock trick! “I know if we end up together, you’ll be pregnant with a baby in two months.” Her: “Twins?!” (That’s not how it works, Clare) And then he says something about moving to Sacramento.
So, JP, you would leave your daughter on the other side of the country? #stayclassy
Back to the studio audience
Oh yay Hi Sharleen!!!
Nikki’s Last Date
Nikki: “Juan Pablo is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life.” And this is a girl who works with surgeons who are saving children’s lives every day.
So they take a catamaran and lay sexily on a beach and when they try to imagine life together, Juan Pablo says to Nikki that he likes to watch tv and needs a good amount of alone time. She remains undeterred. Because tv is awesome.
I get so stressed out during this season- you should see the amount of popcorn I am shoveling in my mouth right now.
Nikki has really, really good handwriting.
She gives Juan Pablo a framed photo and letter professing her love. He doesn’t react too excitedly at all, takes his stuff and eventually leaves. She sits and cries. Naturally she wakes up the next morning as sure as ever she wants a proposal.
Oh yeah, we never saw the Neil Lane part.
Juan Pablo is a gross human being, but that navy suit looks fiiiiiiine on him.
No musical accompaniment to this part. Clare comes up to the beach off a boat and Chris escorts her up to Juan Pablo at the ?altar.
Clare gives her whole love speech and no one has the grace to preempt it because Juan Pablo. Then Juan Pablo gives zero eloquence to his dumping her. Clare calls him out on his lead-ons about having babies and living in Sacramento. She even reminds him that Sharleen and Andi left him. She redeems herself and this season by calling him out one last time. She says she doesn’t care when he made his decision to send her home and that she lost all respect for him this moment.
Walks away, turns, hand out, gesturing and pointing, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were. What you just made me go through- I would never want my children having a father like you.”
It’s weird that in these sad and embarrassing public life moments, the girls can’t run into the arms of their mom, or bestie, or therapist but into a car or boat, and today, Chris Harrison.
Juan Pablo to the cameras, with a smirk: “Ooo, I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” (I don’t know at this point if he ends up with Nikki, but her watching him deliver that quote alone should make her want out.)
Then Clare leaves on a boat. I hope her scary oldest sister / Momma’s bodyguard kicks Juan Pablo’s ass.
Now it’s scowly Nikki’s turn.
Oh I see, now he’s actually at the “altar” now and there is dramatic music playing while her boats comes ashore. It’s very Titanic, except Nikki is somehow wearing a dress that makes her look naked from the waxed privates down.
Juan Pablo says “I’m not sure I want to propose, but I like you a lot.” Winks. And then offers her a rose. And she says absolutely and accepts it. And they kiss, and everyone is confused, and then he tells her not to get cranky.
After the Final Rose
CLARE comes out. Hey, extensions!
I want her to get a standing ovation. Although, hindsight is 20-20 and she only asserted herself because she got dumped.
Clare talks to Chris Harrison, holds herself high, and says she had her closure in St Lucia and has nothing left to say to Juan Pablo. She declines a face to face with him, “does not want to get fed any more BS.”
In a shocking twist, the producers respect her wishes and don’t make them do a face-to-face.
JUAN PABLO comes out, and the musical accompaniment is a little eerie.
Juan Pablo says he is relieved to be in the real world and is worried for the news in his country, Venezuela. Do you guys think our national dislike for this guy will strain any diplomatic relations?
JP has a new, fancy haircut, it’s kind of the Euro soccer thing of longish in back and fauxhawk on top.
Juan Pablo says he has no regrets for anything he did or handled on the show. Is this a surprise? This is not a guy that has, or understands the concept of, regrets.
NIKKI comes out. Unfortunately is not the word to describe the fact that Nikki and Juan Pablo are still dating. And he still hasn’t said I Love You and Nikki can’t even answer definitely if he’s in love with her. All she knows is that he cares about her a lot.
They’ve had a hidden relationship for 4 months.
AWKWARD AWKWARDNESS: Chris Harrison says Juan Pablo told producers he had a big surprise for the show, and JP says no. This is not the second time that Nikki has gotten the female equivalent of emotional blue balls.
Juan Pablo should just suck it up and say “I love her” when asked to get Chris’s weird, obsessive attention off him. It’s different from IN love. I mean, I love my dry cleaner. It’s not that big a deal.
Juan Pablo: “We are so done with this show.” So JP will not feature in any future wedding audiences or all-star shows in this series?
Juan Pablo repeatedly talks about wanting to have respect for Nikki’s dad. I’m not surprised he singled one random person out to respect, at the expense of everyone else. I would love to hear him say he is also careful with Nikki because he respects HER MOM, but that would be asking a lot of a misogynist.
I have never seen Chris Harrison do that: He actually peaces out offstage before the commercial even started!
I totally dislike Juan Pablo, but Chris Harrison needs to LET IT GO, LET IT GO… (cue Adele Dazeem). Unless they need filler for this episode. But I mean, they could just usher the couple out and hear from the studio audience instead of the repetition about why Juan Pablo won’t say I Love You. Or, in fact, it would have been way more awesome to straight up ask Nikki what she thought watching back the show, and how she explains her best friend hating Juan Pablo, the crassness and bad decision-making he displayed, the hypocrisy, and the general disrespect for women.
Catherine: “Don’t slap the hand that fed you.”
I did notice Andi was conspicuously absent from the all-star audience.
ANDI IS BACHELORETTE! The first she-lawyer as star. #heart
Andi is wearing the sparkliest dress I have possibly ever seen in my life. Which for 12 years of The Bachelor is saying a lot.
Can’t wait for the scenes with her dad.
Right before the show faded to over, Andi was working the room giving hugs and she gave Arie one. And it occurred to me, what if she falls in love before filming? #becausearie
Peace out until May. Relief washes over me.