bachelor juan pablo episode TWTA: i regret nothing

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First of all: The Bachelor made The New York Times. Meredith gave me the heads up, and while she was initially aghast, I think we can all agree: it’s about time.

Second: Sean and Catherine. MAKE IT STOP. Is it just me or was their body language 100% Sean is an attention-hogging goofball and now that Catherine has lost her virginity to him, she has taken the Concord jet straight to the part in a marriage where you’re constantly annoyed? I’ll pray for them. I certainly know it’s not the last time I will have to see them on tv.

But also, BANGS. Catherine is rocking hers. My heart was happy for her; my cowlick was flicking her off.

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Quick fireworks.

I am not totally against cross-promotions but you know how I feel about my beloved Muppets and this. Can a puppet get an STD?

The Oscars finally got it last night that there should not be a clapping popularity contest over dead people. I would like to propose the same egalitarian mute treatment to the rejects during Women/Men Tell All.

Renee looks hotter than ever. Kelly the Dog Lover gets to bring Molly into the studio. I am still confused about her and that.

I like how all the girls are psyched to trash Juan Pablo and how bad he was at conversation and how little he asked questions of the women, and yet NONE of them except Sharleen and Andi chose to leave on their own volition. I call total bullshit on this disingenuous bitch sesh.

Cassandra basically has drag queen make-up on. She is reversing the advantage of being in her early 20s compared to the rest of the girls, and aging herself like a decade or two. It’s pretty bad. Cassandra, you’re on high-definition tv, not center court in hot pants and go go boots!

Kelly also asserts that Juan Pablo wasn’t consistent in his claims of being fair because he was physically attracted to Cassandra and so would kiss her, but wouldn’t kiss Renee and told her it’s because he had too much respect for her being a single mom. I agree that it’s hypocritical, but I think Kelly missed something important: Juan Pablo was physically attracted to Cassandra, yes, but that was all. He sent her home on her birthday, for the love. I think he knew early on that he had deeper feelings for Renee and more long-term potential with her, and that actually gave him pause on going for it physically. It’s like he had more “mom respect” for her than Cassandra, which in itself is shameful.

Sharleen in hot seat: We are treated to a montage of their journey together and are reminded once again that Sharleen is stunning, has great taste in backless clothes, and she and Juan Pablo did a loooooot of kissing.

Sharleen is just classy, articulate, different, and superior to the end. Kudos to this franchise for even landing her at all. Sharleen for Bachelorette and only smart guys apply!

Renee in hot seat: I still love her, and she’s in a happy relationship! And hopefully Ben is attending regular counseling.

Andi in hot seat: Dying, dying, dying for Andi’s dress. The color, the high neck and embellishment, the long sleeves.

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Andi is blowing up the secret of the fantasy suite- that Juan Pablo was negative about the whole Bachelor process, and was bragging about what a good Bachelor he is. Andi also explains a little more that Juan Pablo was never mean to her, and also that she swept certain things under the rug and didn’t get more upset until the morning.

I love hearing a lawyer say: “intent.”

I wish I could transcribe Chris Harrison’s exact words in grilling Andi about whether still believes her great love exists, and whether she is going to keep searching for him. CHRIS HARRISON, WE’RE NOT DUMB, SPIT IT OUT: Andi is going to be the next Bachelorette.

Juan Pablo in the hot seat

“I’m not here to kiss 27 women…” Just 25.

Every single issue brought up reveals even more that if you look up “diplomatic” in the dictionary, Juan Pablo’s picture will be under the antonym section.

Kelly revs up the tears to attack Juan Pablo for CALLING GAYS PERVET.

Juan Pablo, majorly to his credit, says he can’t respond in 4 minutes and would rather explain to her for an hour after the show how his words were taken out of context. BUT KELLY HAS A GAY PARENT + WANTS SCREEN TIME. Kelly, January called – it wants its boring news stories back.

Soooo, I guess that’s it?  Next week two blonde girls cry.

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5 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

5 responses to “bachelor juan pablo episode TWTA: i regret nothing

  1. Elizabeth

    I have to say, this was the most emotionally mature group of women we have ever seen on the Bachelor. And Sharleen was glorious.

    • yael

      I keep thinking about this, and you are so right. Ironic isn’t even word for the caliber of the women this season vs the man.

  2. Sonjey

    Sharleen, he questioned you and had real conversations with you because, besides Renee, you are the only girl with some substance!

  3. Teresa

    I was not a Sharlene fan through the entire show. I could not get down with her difference and was ultimately happy she left. She was the only woman who defended JP and resisted any urge to be a bitter annoying wench. I regret not being a Sharlene fan earlier.

  4. yael

    Yeah, agree with you both. Sharleen rocks. But ultimately she knew better from Day 1 and kept making out. I guess that’s real life!

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