bachelor juan pablo episode 9: badgering the witness


If only a room this nice was the Fantasy Suite. Default.

St. Lucia’s pretty dope, eh?

Juan Pablo: “Oh St. Lucia, you are so pretty.”

Clare’s Overnight

They take a little wooden boat to a yacht. It’s funny how when Clare is ruminating on a voicever, she says “Back in Vietnam…” which, while accurate, is still just hilarious to me. It’s like your war vet uncle OR a scene from The Bachelor.

I think Clare’s teeth might be new.

They talk about the “freakin’ beautiful” view but it’s, of course, super overcast. Off-season, baby! Then they plunge into the sea from the yacht. How many times have we seen this exact montage on The Bachelor?

Sometimes Juan Pablo sounds like a Venezuelan-turned-American Kermit the Frog and it makes me so sad.

Clare’s long white ruffled beach dress is gorgeous. But she has to ask Juan Pablo if he likes it and he just smiles and grunts and keeps looking at her chest. He has such bizarro Neanderthal tendencies sometimes. Has anyone ever recorded Juan Pablo saying more than one sentence at a time? I can’t decide if I am glad he’s raising a daughter or just happy he’s not raising a son.

Clare pretends to hesitate about the Fantasy Suite invite. “Back in Vietnam…” But instead of reminding Juan Pablo he voluntarily humped her in the ocean that time and then flipped it into slut-shaming of her, she just says she wants to make sure now they’re on the same page. Juan Pablo’s penis promises, yes, same page.

The camera pans to two uneaten sliders on the table. D’OH!

The couple heads to their fantasy suite, drinks champagne, and gets to know each other better through their lips et cetera et cetera. The normal Fantasy Suite music plays while they frolic in a hot tub, and fade to a crashing wave.

Andi’s Overnight

Juan Pablo is wearing a Sean-esque melon-colored muscle tank, but it sort of works because he has the weird Euro-Latino vibe. Andi one-ups the melon color with a bright bathing suit cover up dress. It looks like it could be Old Navy?

In another typical Bach script, the couple “happens” upon a local street market replete with fresh juice and steel drums. No one else is there. I am about to snopes this Dennery Seafood Festival conspiracy. Then they play soccer on the beach with some St Lucians and I am pretty sure Juan Pablo gets his ass kicked.

The couple takes a land buggy though town, into the jungle and they head down a path to a waterfall. Andi shows off some impressive side boob. They pose behind the waterfall. Probably totally unprompted.

At dinner, Juan Pablo addresses with Andi the fact that she said she “really badly wants to fall in love”. Juan Pablo actually says a bunch of sentences in a row. In fact, the two of them proceed to have a longer conversation than all the conversations this entire season combined.

Right after sussing out all their concerns about fitting into each other’s lives, Andi opens the Fantasy Suite card. And there is an antique gold key. It’s probably the real key. Hotels are all about KEYS these days.

EW! Is it the same Fantasy Suite from the night before?

They seem pretty happy when the camera fades out.  I.  Wonder.  What.  Will.  Happen.

The Morning After Andi

Juan Pablo is giddy with happiness that they had such a great night (why is he wearing the same outfit?). He says they talked and laughed all night long.

According to Andi, though, the Fantasy Suite turned into a NIGHTMARE. Juan Pablo only talked about himself, name-dropped, and talked about his overnight with Clare.

Nikki’s Overnight

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury, I bring you: Nikki’s outfit. Fringe bikini top and Indian?-print pants. Horse-riding clothes. Nikki’s entire breasts on display. It’s going to be a great day.

Juan Pablo and his tighty tank and Nikki’s fringe (or not?) go to the beach and frolic in the ocean. Then they retire to dinner on the beach. A non-eating dinner. And then they go for total privacy in the fantasy suite.

Juan Pablo: “Nikki could be a good partner for me for the rest of my life. Because she’s honest, she’s very pretty, she’s sexy, and also because she cares about people.” Pretty and Sexy will definitely last the rest of his life.

They go into another ugly Fantasy Suite (how come the room Juan Pablo “woke up in” the other day with open walls and water view and infinity pool was 1,000 times nicer than these rooms?) and Nikki tries to open up but they’re just too busy making out hard core.

Sit down with Chris Harrison; Juan Pablo’s deliberations; Andi; Rose Ceremony

Chris cannot disguise his distaste for Juan Pablo. It comes out in his weekly blogs, his lack of screen time, and the way he handles this little sit-down. The backdrop of the mountains is so beautiful at least, I can handle any video messages to come.

Juan Pablo looks happy when Clare comes on. And tears up. And Clare seems more emotional than Nikki.

Uh oh, Andi’s video. She records herself saying she wants to share her bad thoughts in person, and right then the live Andi walks up. And as my friend Erin points out, Andi is wearing a short lace skort.

Which got me thinking: how do you plan your angry rejection tirade outfit on national tv? Do you look at a see-through silk button-down and a short lace skort and say ding, ding, ding!?

Juan Pablo is unable to listen to serious thoughts coming out of a woman’s mouth without pushing strands of her hair behind her ears or rubbing her cheek. It’s kind of textbook Player. You deflect through physicality.

When Andi first explains that she’s not feeling good about Juan Pablo anymore, he’s quickly like, “Ok, no problem, it is what it is. If you’re not feeling it.” He is so flip. It’s the same way he reacted to Sharleen when she agonized and said goodbye.

Why does Juan Pablo refer to Andi in the third person?

Juan Pablo is a shallow playboy but Andi should drop this whole thing since they have already agreed to part ways. She is being a total prosecutor right now.

The word Default.

What? I missed something. I was eating candy.

Andi is very upset that Juan Pablo has not interviewed her thoroughly. I’m inclined to agree with her, but then Juan Pablo has a somewhat reasonable response in that she didn’t offer any of her personal information up. And if it’s true, when he assessed the overnight they morning after, that they laughed incessantly, then my feeling is Andi was playing the fun easygoing girl all night long and only the next day decided Juan Pablo should have quizzed her more.

It’s okay.

It’s going to be okay.

I like that.

Juan Pablo fixes Andi’s eyebrow. (Back to his playbook.)

Ultimately, I think Juan Pablo probably had Clare and Nikki in his top two so this isn’t too crazy. We’re just all spared from a nail-biting rose ceremony.

Andi rides her minivan of anger back to the airport and cries because she wonders if her standards her are too high. Unlikely.

Clare and Nikki show up to the rose ceremony. I love when they last two are mortal enemies. Since Andi and Nikki are BFF, this feels complicated. Doesn’t Andi owe it to Nikki to quickly hashtag a bunch of stuff about Juan Pablo on Lulu and then show it to her?


Women Tell All looks juicy!

Then the finale is SHOCKING. It turns out the last two women finally realize Juan Pablo knows zero about them.




Filed under bachelor episode recap

4 responses to “bachelor juan pablo episode 9: badgering the witness

  1. Hahhahaha this was HILARIOUS!!! I can’t wait to read more recaps from this blog!!!

    I also do some recaps here and there. Check out my latest here:

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