This delay time of mine… WTF. I mean, I actually type these during the show so I have no idea what my excuse is.
I have to say this week was a bit of a reprieve. The last two were SO BAD that I was beginning to question if there was a future for this franchise. I wasn’t able to articulate what was so wrong about Juan Pablo, but then my friend Kate sent me this article, and it summed it up well.
And then this week. And I felt comforted. Like, ok, it’s still the Bachelor and it’s still my one and only hobby (so proud!) and maybe people will fall in love.
The show promo lead-ins were like THE MOST SHOCKING EXIT EVER. And the verb shocking threw me off cause I was all, whoaaaaa another girl must want out, besides Sharleen! This is going to be GOOD.
Imagine my SHOCK then when they meant Sharleen after all.
Most Shocking = The Thing She Was Plotting and Verbalizing Incessantly Since Day One and Which Got a Tremendous Anount of Screen Time So That We All Knew It Was Inevitable and Imminent
The most shocking exit, you guys. So. Shocking.
Miami, babies. That was cute when Juan Pablo surprised Cameeeeeeeela with his sporadic limited joint custody. I almost cried actually. JP is human and loves his girl.
Wait, the girls get skimpy bikinis as gifts? Um.
Sharleen is not ready to introduce Juan Pablo to her family. Cut to Juan Pablo telling his papi and [whatever the Spanish word for adult cousin with braces is] about Sharleen. Which means her exit is going to be even more SHOCKING.
Come SEA My City date with Sharleen
Sharleen definitely hid her enthusiasm in getting the spontaneous first date card. It’s because she feels they are missing the “cerebral/mental connection.” Props to Sharleen as that is probably the most diplomatic way of saying she has a higher SAT score than Juan Pablo. Bonus points because Juan Pablo would never know what cerebral meant and therefore would be especially not offended.
They get to go out on a yacht. It’s balls out amazing and yet Sharleen even looks pained in the selfie they take. I mean, who cannot fake it for a selfie?
And then it gets more awkward because we all know how ill-suited they are for each other and they know it, so they start to make out. Sharleen says “I am surprised by how attracted I am to him.” I am surprised Sharleen is surprised. A hot guy wants to make out with you. It’s like Ryan Gosling 101.
They go to a private teeny island while the sun sets. Juan Pablo actually has a good technique with Sharleen. He asks her a question and then never talks so that she just keeps talking and being awkward and kissing him.
Sharleen wears a sweet white cut out dress for dinner (can someone Possessionista it for me? And then when I get my body transplant, I AM BUYING IT) on the yacht under the stars but admits to us, and herself, she is still not sure about their mental connection. And like right on cue, Juan Pablo tells Sharleen he is “learning big words” from her.
Sharleen to Juan Pablo: I wish I could be a little bit dumber.
He doesn’t understand the implications (and cruelty) of this statement but credit to Juan Pablo for telling Sharleen it’s okay if she’s just honest.
Look at Sharleen’s arse in that white dress! It’s not Pippa Middleton level but it’s pretty slammin’.
After the date, Sharleen unloads all her troubles to Renee, the house shrink.
Listen to My Heartbeat date with Nikki
So, not everyone is a fan of Nikki. 1. Clare 2. Chelsie 3. Me. So it’s extra annoying that the date is that they get to go to Cameeeeeeela’s dance recital. With Juan Pablo’s family. And JP’s ex. Wha??
Pause. I don’t really like Nikki but it’s kind of messed up to surprise her with this type of date. Like, if I knew I was meeting my boyf’s parents and his daughter’s mom for the first time, I certainly would not want to be free-boobing it in a low-cut tank top and with the shortest of possible cutoff jean shorts. She got kind of ambushed on that one. But then again it’s Miami so Juan Pablo’s parents probably thought her outfit was too conservative.
The dance recital is super cute. It’s sketch all those kids are on national tv though.
Nikki didn’t really slam dunk it with the family IMHO. Maybe it’s editing but she just didn’t seem warm, effusive, or that talkative with them. Also, did she refer to Cheddar Goldfish as Cheetos? SO not ready to be a mom.
Then at night they go to Marlins Park aka “Juan Pablo’s office”. I do like the outfit Mean Nikki has changed into- short black ruffled skirt and deep V back-less shirt. And showing off her tats. They are definitely a better intellectual match than Juan Pablo and Sharleen that’s for sure.
So shocking. So shocking. SO F*CKING SHOCKING. She’s only been talking about it literally since Day 1. I AM SHOCKED TO MY VERY CORE.
Why is Sharleen whispering while dumping Juan Pablo? Why is Juan Pablo whispering in response? This is why we need subtitles.
There’s a looooooooot of touching for a break-up.
I think deep down Sharleen wanted Juan Pablo to argue with her and convince her to stay.
Omg Juan Pablo cries. He’s real!
Fare thee well, Sharleen. I’ll miss the old girl. She definitely mixed it up.
(This was shocking.)
My Hometown for Yours group date
A seaplane takes the crew to a private beach. Juan Pablo tells the ladies that there is a date rose and whoever gets it gets a nighttime date with him.
Chelsie reads letters her parents wrote her to Juan Pablo. She’s the goner tonight, let’s be honest.
Andi immediately starts crying when they hang out. They definitely seem to have the easiest chemistry in some ways.
Him and Renee hang out or something.
Clare just cries about her dead dad.
After the auditions are over, rose goes to: Andi.
Right about now Clare wishes she and Juan Pablo had not exchanged bodily fluids two episodes ago. Cut to Andi and Juan Pablo in the ocean.
Juan Pablo and Andi go out in South Beach and Andi is appropriately wearing the de facto South Beach ensem of bandage-style dress. They go to a club and dance to some singer, maybe famous? Andi says she has never heard Latin music. But she looks Latina? Can someone explain?
The Clare Nikki Showdown
When the three group date rejects get back to the hotel suite, Clare warns us: “I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jellyfish.” Love it.
The girls are talking about Andi, I guess, and this pisses Nikki off because apparently she and Andi are BFF. So she storms off upstairs and Clare confronts her minutes later. I highly recommend watching Questlove and Black Thought reenact their convo on The Tonight Show (with Jimmy Fallon, woot!), but I’ll do my best rendition.
Nikki: I have nothing to say to you.
Clare: Well this is not your room.
Nikki: Is your stuff in here?
Clare: Did you pay for this room?
Nikki: Did you sleep here last night?
Clare: This is not your room.
Nikki: Oh, okay.
Clare: I just want to clarify that.
Nikki: Although technically this pillow smells like my morning breath.
Clare: So which credit card did you give to the front desk?
Nikki: I am just saying you may or may not find one of my pubes on the 800 thread count sheets.
Clare: I researched the commercial property title and technically Loews Resort & Hotels LLC owns this room.
Nikki: But ownership is a vague concept. And those are my Daisy Dukes over there in the corner. Just saying.
Clare: I am carrying Juan Pablo’s seaweed child. Also, this is not your room. Just saying.
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
All the girls are wearing bright colored short fitted dresses. So Miami!
Instead of the official audition couch, Juan Pablo takes Nikki to the beach so that says something.
Has Renee been to a tanning bed?
Long extended shot with no musical accompaniment (just crickets and distant waves and traffic) of Nikki and Clare sitting on the couches alone with nothing to say to one another. Andi returns. Then Renee returns. Then Chelsie returns. Everyone is miserable (except Andi).
Chris Harrison comes to get Juan Pablo. What, CHRIS HARRISON IS STILL ON THIS SHOW?!
Juan Pablo is such a doofus. He tries to act like he has a hard decision to make and fans himself. Like he is just deciding one second before the rose ceremony.
One out of five gets rejected so that is awkwardly embarrassing. The Biggest Loser is … (drumroll) … Chelsie. JP even tears a little.
Typical Juan Pablo: On the rejection walk he’s quiet so Chelsie the Dumpee has to do all the talking.
So the two night craziness next week looks AWESOME. And call me crazy but it seems like Nikki gets cut at the hometowns. I’m just trying to assess who made it into a beach shot for overnights. But I am like the Opposite of Reality Steve. I get it wrong every time.